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A Girl Named Sue pg23 WIP (Patreon)

Published:
2018-12-05 19:47:15
Edited:
2018-12-05 19:48:17
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

Wrapping the chapter here! Now comes the nitty gritty work :D

I'd like some feedback on Sue's inner thoughts during this chapter...do they work to support what's going on or do people think the chapter would work better without the narration...I'm open to your thoughts about it.

Files

Comments

AlecWhitacreVO

I think it's important to the story, you're seeing the loss of control over her thoughts, but as the other chapters haven't quite fleshed out more lore yet, It could play a part in later chapters or such. Or depends really on what direction you're taking Sue's werewolf lore. There's different branches people are familiar with such as, random character from some ancient or Indian culture that somehow knows Sue is a Lycan/were and teaches or warns her to connect to her inner wolf kinda thing. Then there's like the ones that don't remember anything and have to find out by news and here-say in town to track what they have done while wolf. Or if Sue is transformed by the moon or if it's some supernatural force that controls her transformations, or emotion driven, who knows 🤷🏻‍♂️ the story is still new. But coming full circle, they could be a cool thing that could lead to something in the future or just good writer detailing the loss of her humanity during the change.

Agent00Soul

I like the inner narration and if I have any suggestions: a) You could easily add more, especially during the meatiest portions of the change, where now she is just screaming. b) She doesn't really lose her human brain until the transformation is over. It might be interesting to have that start changing earlier and happen more gradually. Just my opinions, but since you asked...

Zockereinstein

For me, the separation between the two sides of a werewolf is the main key for the monster depiction. You have your body changed, and so your mind, otherwise the horror effect gets diminished if the original self remains. The body change is horrifying, but there is nothing compared to the loss of your mind, and if that loss is represented by her inner thoughts, then it is more than welcome.

Kerlem

Perhaps the ultimate horror is, on top of a horrific physical change, changing mentally - while at the same time being fully sentient of what one is doing and delighting in it: "But I see a different law in the parts of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and taking me prisoner to the law of sin in the parts of my body. What a wretched man I am!" - Romans 7:23-24