I tried to make it through without crying, but I couldn't. (Patreon)

Trigger Warning: Please note that this post is going to discuss some personal and heavier topics that could be triggering, including anxiety, depression and complex migraine symptoms. Do not read this post if this isn’t the right time for this sort of thing. Also, this post is a lot if you’re new here, so you might want to save it until you know me a bit better through my training :)

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Hey ya’ll. I tried to do this a few times on video, but I just couldn’t get through it without crying and each attempt was worse than the last, so because I am now a red blubbery mess of gratitude, here’s what I was trying to say:

For those of you who are new this year, and for those that have been with me since the beginning of Patreon, nearly 3 years ago now, today I wanted to say think you and tell you about what life was like for me this time last year, and what you’ve given me through your support this year.

Last year at this time, I made the incredibly difficult decision to quit my job as a guide dog instructor and placement specialist. I was severely depressed, stressed out of my mind, sick constantly, migraines 3-4 times a week, throwing up before work nearly every day, and crying in the car on my way to and from placements.

Depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are something I’ve lived with for a long time. But in early 2020, after a particularly stressful placement, I ended up having a complex episode where my brain shut down and my husband found me unresponsive one morning before work, staring out the window. I was hospitalized for 3 days and wasn’t able to speak, or communicate, or tell you who my husband was when I was staring directly at him. I wasn’t functionally there for three days, and only have a recollection of waking up in the hospital with days of my life missing. I had missed my grandma’s passing, a woman who had taken care of me most of my childhood, and who I had moved in with and taken care of as she aged. I was too sick to travel home from Denver to Connecticut to attend her funeral. It made me incredibly sad. And the episode also scared the crap out of my family, and honestly, it scared the crap out of me. Coming out of that episode, I didn’t know when it would happen again, and, as I travel alone frequently, that was something scary I simply had to live with.

In December of 2022 I knew where I was mentally, and I knew that that type of episode could easily happen again with me alone in a hotel room in Massachusetts, without anyone but CoolWhip knowing. That fear was compounded by my deep depression, and also this huge weight I was feeling, because I simultaneously loved working with my clients, and also was just so very ill from doing it. I was becoming the most afraid I’ve been of my own brain in a long time and I was struggling. One night of my last placement, I was at the point where I knew that if I didn’t quit that night, I was afraid I wasn't going to make it to morning. So I called my boss and I quit.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I loved working guide dogs, and not only that, I was good at my job. I was really good at being a placement specialist and training people how to use their guide dogs. And on top of that, my dad was a guide dog user and on his second dog from the company I worked for. Most of my friends were also guide dog trainers, so I'd be losing my social network too. That's all to say that leaving was a big deal, especially since I wasn’t going to another steady paycheck, and at the time, DOGGY•U was just a passion project and not a source of any sustainable income.

The only thing I was holding onto at the time was Patreon, and I know that sounds dramatic. But that was very real at the time. I had these people (you) who believed in what I was doing and had monetarily supported my work for the last couple years as I tried to do a thing that I wasn’t really sure I could do. I had people here on Patreon, outside of the guide dog world, that believed in me, and thought that what I had to say was helpful and valuable. I held onto the fact that I could be useful to others in a different way than I was as a guide dog instructor.

And knowing that made all of the difference.

I wanted to create resources that were free and/or low cost enough that most people would be able to afford them, even if they were on a tight budget. Because, when I started my training journey, I was finishing up my master’s degree, making $28k a year as a guide dog apprentice, living with a roommate, and eating rice and beans and ramen. And I was also determined to be the best dog trainer I could be for Jake, the scared and abused dog I had just rescued at the time. I wanted to do right by him.

I was consuming every YouTube video I could from Emily Larlham at Kikopup and Tab at Training Positive, taking Kyra Sundances trick books out of the library, volunteering at local training classes so I could learn for free. I knew what it was like to be hungry to learn, and to be scraping every penny together to do it. I couldn’t get enough of it, and I still can’t.

I was so grateful for those people who had made those free and low cost resources available for me. So, I wanted to figure out how I could do the same for others, especially in the service dog community, while also being able to make a living. I basically wanted to crowd-source my income. And that’s where you all come in. All 500 of you that financially support my work, make it possible for me to make the free resources I make, for those people, who are just like me when I was starting my training journey. I literally couldn’t do it without you.

I know there’s this misconception out there that YouTubers make a lot of money. And that’s just not the case, at least for small-timers like myself. In December I made about $600 on YouTube through ads. It’s not nothing, but I can’t live off of it, and it comes out to a few cents an hour for the work I do writing scripts, shooting, and editing the videos. Patreon and courses are what makes up the difference for me. And October was the first month that I was able to replace my (very modest) guide dog salary, which was a huge accomplishment for me after 9 months of dedicated daily work to build DOGGY•U into a community I’m proud of. I remember looking at my income spreadsheet and thinking “holy sh*t! I think I can actually do this! It actually might work!”

Patreon also allows me to give you more. There are certain kinds of videos that work for YouTube, but most of the videos I want to put out aren’t conducive to that format. I wanted to be able to give more in-depth information, and answer questions more thoroughly. I also wanted to put out short exercises, or longer uncut training sessions that don’t have a place on a public platform. I wanted to put them in a safe place where people were choosing to be there and I didn’t have to be afraid of some of the nastiness that can befall some comments sections. This community has given me a place for that. To share my training and mistakes and victories, and to build community. And I appreciate you all so much for it!

So, I thought I’d do a recap of things I’m proud to have accomplished in the dog-realm in 2023, as well as things I’m working towards in 2024. I invite you to do the same in the comments if you’re so inclined!

2023 Accomplishments

- Earned my Atlas Certified Service Dog Trainer certification after 6 months and 26 courses

- Sat for and earned my CPDT-KA, which I had been putting off for years, with scores I’m proud of

- Put a bunch of titles on CoolWhip because when I went to build my website, I realized she had very few titles compared to her older brother (2nd child syndrome!). She is now CoolWhip RN DDB CGCA CGCU TKA

- Figured out a 3 point lighting design for my videos, as well as *generally* working audio  (tech stuff is hard!)

- Created my first online course (huge learning curve!) Service Dog 101 and successfully launched it.

- Created my first free online mini-course (Training Foundations) to help people better understand the training concepts that can help build a better relationship with their dog.

- YouTube: Released 44 YouTube videos, 3 YouTube livestreams, and 185 shorts

- Patreon: Completed 12 live Deep Dives, 12 live Q&As, and 50 additional Patreon videos and resources.

- Worked really hard at just showing up, being consistent, and getting the work done

Things I’m Working on for 2024

- I’ve always valued continuing education, but I’ve always done it intermittently and whenever I wasn’t super busy. That being said, this year I’m committing to doing some form of structured continuing education for a minimum of a 90 minutes a week. It literally gets put into my calendar every week and I have a few different courses I’ve purchased and am working through. I’ll always bring you my biggest takeaways!

- Finish and launch my next course: Service Dog Training: Behavior Interruptions and Alerts in, hopefully, late February!

- Create a second course for 2024 (TBD)

- Write and prep for my new train-along puppy courses so they’re easy to video and launch once puppy gets here

- Branch out in my Deep Dives to include some more interactive portions, starting with my January Deep Dive which will have a human participatory component!

- Finally get my much-awaited puppy and service dog prospect!

I’m really excited for what the future holds for DOGGY•U and the DOGGY•U community, and I am so grateful to be here with you all.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your support. I’m not here without you. <3