Sex History: Getting Catfished in 16th and 17th Century Europe (Patreon)

Back in the day of grand ol monarchies, marriages often occurred between two people who had never met before. In order for Kings to choose their long-distance fiancee, ambassadors from foreign lands would bring portraits of prospective ladies. Often times, these portraits would be so inaccurate, Kings would be repulsed by their ACTUAL selections. Here's some famous examples.

In 1540, Henry VIII selected the dainty and smooth faced portrait of Anne of Cleves. When the actual Anne of Cleves arrived, she was actually a tall and clunky woman with a poor face. When realizing he had made a grave mistake in choosing to marry her, the sullen King said the following two days before his wedding to his Valkyrie bride; "If it were not that she had come so far into my realm, and the great preparations and state that my people have made for her, and for fear of making a ruffle in the world and of driving her rather into the arms of the Emperor and the French King, I would not now marry her. But now it is too far gone, wherefore I am sorry." The wedding night was a disaster, as the next day Henry complained of her "evil smells" and the "looseness of her breasts." 

Joseph II of Austria's wifey showed up and he was so repulsed that they never had sex. "Her figure is short... thickset without a vestige of charm. Her face is covered with spots and pimples. Her teeth are horrible." he complained. In a letter to a friend, he complained that "They want me to have children. How can one have them? If I could put the tip of my finger on the tiniest part of her body which was not covered by pimples, I would try to have a child." 

Young Prince George (the future George IV of Great Britain) was too broke to turn down a bride and a dowry, so he was bribed by his advisors and royal father to marry Princess Caroline of Brunswick. She was a filthy abomination of a woman, who had no regards for dress or personal hygiene. When the prince first met his fiancee, he was so horrified that he wiped his brow, whispered "I am not well", and ordered a shot of brandy to quell his faintness. Apparently, Princess Caroline was also disgusted, for she later asked her ladies maid "Is the Prince always like that? I find him very fat and not nearly so handsome as his portrait." Despite this, the couple managed to have sex three times within the first 48 hours of marriage. George wrote to a friend "She showed... such marks of filth both in the fore and hind part of her... that she turned my stomach and from that moment I made a vow to never touch her again." Luckily, he had made her pregnant within those first three times and he never had sex with her again. 

In 1670, German bride Elizabeth Charlotte arrived to France to marry Louis XIV's brother, Phillipe duc d'Orleans. She had no idea that when she showed up, she would be greeted by such a flamboyant man. Her new husband stood before her in rouge, diamond earrings, high heeled shoes, cascading ruffles and lace, and a monstrous cloud of perfume. Neither were taken with each other, as the plain-faced and boxy-shaped Elizabeth didn't have a penis and Phillipe had no masculine traits. He whispered to his gentlemen "Oh, how can I sleep with that!" They would be married for thirty years- he stealing her dresses and diamonds for himself and his male lovers- and she pushing out three of his children.