Unorthodox Farming: Chapter 15 (Patreon)

Chapter 15

A Champion's Physique

As I followed Torvac through the restaurant, I noticed they offered two meal options for their customers. That wasn't normal from my experience. I'd travelled a bit, and every inn and restaurant I'd been to in Radian had a set menu with no substitutions. They were take it or leave it places.

"Torvac, has your wife always offered two meal options?"

Torvac nodded. "Orlana get bored cooking same thing every day, so Orlana offer special to go with braised lamb. Special change every sixth day, though customers must make reservation for special."

"It seems like everyone is eating the special."

Torvac turned and led me down a hallway. "Orlana's orange duck very famous and Orlana only make six days each year. Customers here today reserved tables four years ago."

"Your wife's restaurant is booked out four years in advance?"

Torvac pushed open the door at the end of the hallway, and we entered the kitchen. "Only some weeks."

Glowing crystals lit three long benches that ran down the centre of the room. Eight chefs stood at the benches, wielding shortswords to chop vegetables and meat with frightening precision and speed.

Along the right wall was a set of double doors that I assumed led to where they did the cooking, because nothing in the prep kitchen could be used to cook, and the left wall held a massive table that was likely where they ate their lunch. The back wall had another set of double doors, but based on how far we had travelled, it likely led outside.

I stared at the armed chefs. "Why are they using swords?" As the words left my mouth, everyone looked over and froze.

"Swordman class offer special promotion if make million cuts. Torvac's children and grandchildren get special promotion from working in Orlana's restaurant."

Smiles appeared on every face as they got over their shock. They put down the swords and rushed over with open arms.

"Dad!"

"Grandpa!"

Torvac was clearly loved.

The man at the front of the hug line looked exactly like Torvac, only younger. Torvac cracked his spine as he hugged him and then grinned in my direction.

"This Torvac's eldest child, Travic. Travic, this Friend Arnold."

Travic stepped away from his father and offered me his left hand while looking down. "So, you're the reason the old man is on the front page of every newspaper this year."

Even with the Ambidextrous ability, it felt weird to shake with my left hand. "What do you mean by this year?"

"The old man's constantly causing trouble when mum isn't there to supervise him."

"Torvac not cause trouble. Orlana forbid Torvac from doing so. Torvac listens."

"So, you weren't the reason Mum rushed out here?"

Torvac played dumb and motioned to the woman beside him. "Friend Arnold, this Torvac's second child, Nita, who Little Nita is named after. Little Nita is Travic's second daughter and fourth child. Travic only named Little Nita, Little Nita, because Travic lost bet with Nita."

Travic groaned. "You don't have to tell everyone that when I first meet them, Dad. It makes me sound like a terrible father."

"Travic get revenge on Nita for holding him to bet by naming second daughter Little Nita, not first like Nita wants, because Travic say Nita only good name for second daughter."

Travic groaned louder. "Dad!"

"Friend Arnold only champion in name. You need not impress."

Nita shoved her brother aside and offered me her hand. She took after her father as well, so our eye height was even. She had a slim, muscular build despite being pregnant. Her features were more like her mother's, though, with the same disapproving gaze. "One would think a champion could deal with dwarves on their own."

I took her hand, but Torvac replied before I could.

"Friend Arnold farmer with champion mark. Friend Arnold die without Torvac and Friend Misk's help."

Travic scratched the back of his head. "How the hell does a farmer gain a champion's mark?"

"Friend Arnold, explain after introductions. Friend Arnold, this Torvac's third child, Oliver. Oliver terrible swordsman and wishes to become wizard like Friend Misk. Oliver, good son. Provide Torvac with eight grandchildren to spoil."

Unlike his older brother and sister, Oliver took after his mother. He stood at five feet six and had a lot more muscle than everyone else. His hand swallowed mine as we shook, but he gave me a friendly smile as he stepped away.

"This Torvac's youngest child, Arina. Arina second-best swordswoman in Torvac's family, but like love of Torvac's life, prefers cooking. Torvac forgive Arina for this betrayal because also gives Torvac eight grandchildren to spoil."

She laughed as she offered me her hand. "What did Dad do to upset Mum this time?"

"He gave Nita an entire swordsman experience crystal."

"You did what!" Travic yelled.

"Torvac trip and fall. It accident."

"I don't believe that for a second, Old Man. Where's my daughter now?"

"Orlana ban her from working at restaurant."

Travic hurried out of the kitchen while Oliver turned to his father and scowled. "Nita is only fourteen! You're not supposed to be giving her experience yet."

The kitchen door flew open, and Orlana marched in, followed by the line of waiters and waitresses who ranged in ages between twelve and twenty-five. One look at them told me that they were all related to Torvac.

"Keep your voice down, or you will disturb my customers," Orlana snapped, before turning the glare at her husband. "You see what you've done. You've upset your son. Oliver's children were supposed to get experience first. But you disregarded my rules, and now your children and grandchildren think you have a favourite."

Torvac scoffed. "Torvac has no favourites."

Orlana's grip tightened on her rolling pin, cracking the wood.

Torvac paused and seemed to decide that lying was not going to work. "Torvac only give Nita experience because Nita very good with sword, so need more attributes to train."

"That's not what it looks like. It looks like you've given your favourite granddaughter experience while your other grandchildren are still waiting to receive their birthday presents."

Torvac sighed. "Grandpa Torvac does not want grandchildren or Orlana to think this."

"Then you shouldn't have broken my rules and given her experience. How are you going to fix this?"

Torvac pulled off his backpack like a man burdened by heartache and then reached inside like he was searching for hope. He shuffled the contents around for a few seconds and then started tossing experience crystals to his grandchildren like they were apples he'd bought at the market.

He'd clearly been waiting for this moment.

Oliver, Nita, and Arina leapt across the room, intercepting the crystals before their children could catch them.

The moment his grandchildren realised what their parents were holding they erupted in laughter. Like everyone else, defending Blackwood from the monster waves had offered Torvac a horrendous amount of experience. Orlana stared at the experience crystals in stunned silence.

Torvac wiped the grin off his face before standing up and looking at her. "Torvac now understand why Orlana upset with Torvac. Torvac hope Torvac forgiven."

The glare she was giving before was gone, but now she looked annoyed. "You're forgiven for playing favourites, but not for breaking my rules. You're still not allowed to eat my braised lamb unless Nita buys it for you."

Torvac gave his first honest reaction since we'd entered the restaurant. "What?"

"I will not let you turn my grandchildren into useless spoiled brats, no matter how much you want to."

"Orlana, love of Torvac's life."

"Anyone who feeds him braised lamb will no longer work here."

Torvac looked honestly heartbroken as he reached into his backpack. Then he tossed another experience crystal to each of his children. "Torvac wants children have early inheritance."

He then tried to toss a crystal to his grandchildren.

Orlana jumped and caught the crystal as it went over her head. "You are not giving my grandchildren a fortune just so Nita can afford to pay for your lunch. They are spoiled enough as it is."

His grandchildren continued to laugh.

***

Nothing is quite as awkward as having lunch with a friend who is arguing with their spouse. Especially when that friend is in the wrong and using you as a human shield.

I sat in the corner of Orlana's kitchen, minding my own business, trying to display through my posture that nothing Torvac had done had anything to do with me. That's a hard thing to express in body language, especially when you're eating what is quite easily the greatest salad of your life.

It was honestly amazing.

The crunchy crispiness of the lettuce. The boundless flavour of the dressing. The precision cuts of vegetables. It all came together to make a dish that was perfectly balanced and a wonderful experience with every bite.

Eating it also added another layer to my concerns.

What if Orlana didn't like me? What if she barred me from her restaurant? I'd only just discovered how good her family could cook, and I wasn't willing to give it up just because Torvac wanted to be the fun grandpa.

Torvac sat beside me, picking at his salad, while eyeing the lamb his son was cutting up with a shortsword. Every time he did, Orlana would point to his salad with her new rolling pin, and Torvac would drop his gaze.

When she'd crushed the first one into wood chips, I'd found myself grateful she didn't carry a shortsword to prepare meat and vegetables like the rest of her family. Someone that small and angry should not be walking around armed. Especially when she had a husband who seemed to love to provoke her.

Torvac lifted a piece of lettuce to his mouth and gave the lamb another sullen look. The handle of her new rolling pin began to creak as her grip tightened. Torvac immediately dropped his gaze and wisely began chewing, not willing to provoke her anymore than he already had.

Orlana placed the mishappen rolling pin on the table while glaring at her husband. Torvac's daughter, Nita, passed her a new one as she went by. Torvac had said his wife's restaurant was a family business, but he'd failed to mention that of the three generations who worked there, many of them level 100 grandmaster swordsmen who had multi-classed into merchant so they could become better chefs.

The attributes they'd gained from their swordsman class allowed them to act with speed and precision. Each one of them could perform the work of a dozen individuals, allowing them to supply a constant stream of dishes to grandchildren, who carried them into the restaurant for the hundreds of customers that were spread across the five floors.

You had to be a well-oiled machine to run such a large restaurant with so few staff, and Torvac's antics made their job harder. Orlana seemed to know this because her menu allowed for interruptions, but it also reflected her personality.

It wasn't showy or complex, but every dish on it had earned its place and was refined to perfection. She treated her children and grandchildren the same. Every misstep was critiqued, but a job well done was praised.

Torvac was the complete opposite. He hadn't been here for more than five minutes before he'd spoiled all his children and grandchildren rotten, handing out fortunes worth of experience just to see them smile and his wife's blood boil.  

While she was chasing him around the kitchen with her rolling pin, I'd realised that Torvac hadn't spent three days hiding from his wife, but three days orchestrating his plan to power level his grandchildren and give his children an early inheritance against his wife's wishes.

It was also when I realised that he wasn't jokingly using me as a human shield. He really did need a witness to remain by his side until she calmed down.

Orlana was tiny, but fierce.

And there was no doubt in my mind that he would have got a much harsher tongue lashing if I wasn't around.

Torvac finished eating a single piece of lettuce and gave his wife a kicked puppy look.

Orlana wasn't buying it. "Eat your salad."

Torvac sighed and started eating again. He took one bite and then made a face. "Torvac want to invite Friend Arnold stay for few days."

Orlana groaned. "Your granddaughters will be insufferable. Do you remember what happened the last time we allowed a bard to stay who had charisma as high as his?"

"Orlana invited bard to stay because of pretty voice. Not Torvac's fault."

"I wasn't saying it was, but I thought we learned our lesson after watching our granddaughters fighting each other for his attention with sharpened blades."

I finished off my salad, wishing there was more, and wiped my mouth with the napkin. "I'm planning to find accommodation."

Orlana gave me a grateful smile, potentially securing me a chance to return to her fine establishment and distancing me from her husband's actions.

Then Torvac took away the goodwill I'd just earned. "Friend Arnold in danger."

Orlana's smile vanished. "Then he can stay as long as he needs."

I stared at her for a second, surprised by the switch. It was very matter-of-fact. The kind of response I'd come to expect from Torvac.

I pushed my plate away. "I don't want to endanger your family."

Orlana smiled again and reached across the table to pat my hand. "Arnold, I have never turned away any of my husband's friends when they needed my help, and I have no intention of starting now."

I opened my mouth to object.

Orlana raised her finger and glared. "After the Wizard's Academy and the palace, our home is the safest location in the Capitol."

"It soon be safest. Torvac inviting Friend Misk to stay."

Orlana frowned at her husband's statement. "This isn't about the dwarves, is it?"

"Orlana, remember customer named Alistrin?"

"The headmaster's familiar."

Torvac nodded. "Friend Arnold has Alistrin's familiar mark now. Demon lord knows Friend Arnold has too. Alistrin comes to protect Friend Arnold but called Salem now. We protect until Salem arrives. Friend Arnold safe after that."

Orlana scowled at her husband. "Why haven't you sent someone to collect, Misk?"

"Friend Misk too busy for lunch but promised to come when free. Torvac expect Misk arrive shortly."

I saw several of Torvac's children press their lips together to stop themselves from laughing. They knew their father had tried to use Misk as a shield against their mother, and he'd gotten out of it. Several of them turned to me and shook their heads like I should have known better.

I sighed and leaned back.

The moment I did, my salad plate was replaced with braised lamb. Whoever replaced the plate moved so quickly that I didn't even see them. I tried to figure out who had replaced it and received a lot of mischievous grins.

These people were clearly related to Torvac.

I gave up and looked down. There was no knife to cut the lamb, only a fork. The fork turned out to be enough. It cut through the meat like it was soft butter.

Orlana reached over the table and caught my wrist, stopping the food inches from my mouth. "Is this the first time you have eaten perfect meat to recover?"

I nodded. "I've been told what to expect."

"Did you fully recover after gaining your mark?"

"I'm not sure what you mean?"

"Your body transforms when you gain a champion's mark. This transformation causes injuries that require perfect food to recover from."

"I've eaten perfect food, but not the sort of perfect food you need to recover."

"I need a dozen extra orders of braised lamb now. Arnold is about to experience the most aggressive form of recovery." She turned to Torvac. "Why didn't you warn him or me?  

Torvac stared at my plate enviously. "Torvac not insult Orlana's intelligence."

Orlana scowled.

"Torvac also not expect Friend Arnold arrive injured. Torvac expected Friend Arnold have normal recovery."  

"Does he have any additional requirements?"

Torvac shook his head. "Friend Arnold's strength not above 100. Braised lamb enough with bone marrow and broth."

Orlana sighed and let go of my wrist. "The moment you put that fork in your mouth, you will lose all self-control and go into a frenzy. There is nothing any of us can do to stop it, so try not to let it bother you."

The braised lamb had touched my tongue the moment she released my wrist. I barely heard what she said, because I understood how Torvac could be so upset at only being able to eat her salad. Even the greatest salad I'd ever eaten, which I had just finished, couldn't compare.

The dwarven banquet had been amazing, but this was something else. It was on the same level of perfection, but it was made for a human palate.

My body began to crave what was in front of me in an almost feral way. It was a violent, all-consuming feeling I'd never encountered before. I shovelled the next bite into my mouth, barely chewing the first. I couldn't have stopped myself even if I wanted to. It was like I was standing in the desert, and I'd found an oasis. My very survival depended on me eating what lay in front of me.

The moment my plate was empty, it was replaced with another serving of braised lamb. The next plate vanished faster than the first. Another plate took its place. And then another, and another, and another. At some point, someone said they needed to purchase more lamb, but the food kept coming, and I kept eating. I was in a frenzy, and I didn't stop gorging myself for an hour.

When I finally slowed down, my stomach was protruding, but far smaller than it should have been. I'd eaten twenty pounds of meat.

After a few seconds of confusion, I realised that the meat that wasn't sitting in my stomach was sitting on my body. It had filled out, regaining some of the muscle I'd lost when Farentine helped stabilise me. However, my arm hadn't healed at all.

My stomach gurgled loudly, informing me I needed to go to the bathroom, which was the only reason I didn't keep eating. I quickly asked one of Torvac's grandchildren where the nearest one was. The restaurant turned out to have several, all of the magical variety. Travic overheard my request and gave me a friendly warning, saying that everything that was about to happen was perfectly normal.

Fifteen scary minutes later, I rushed back into the kitchen to find a mountain of bones filled with bone marrow that had been cooked to perfection. Next to the mountain was a massive tankard of broth with a gravy consistency. It had a murky white colour and a smell that made me pick it up without giving it a second thought.

While I guzzle it like Gatorade, Oliver informed me that the colour was from powdered bone. I didn't care. When I emptied the tankard, it was replaced with another, but by then I'd already started on the bone marrow.

Eating bone marrow wasn't something I'd ever done. However, my body seems to be craving it after the broth. When the bone marrow was finished, more braised lamb appeared.

Torvac's family seemed to know exactly what my body needed and when it needed it, because every time my cravings switched, what I now wanted was sitting in front of me. While I ate, my shoulder and missing ribs began to regrow, but I didn't notice until my fourth bathroom trip when I opened the door with my right hand.

However, it wasn't until after the ninth bathroom trip that I finally felt satisfied, and the frenzy receded.

The world came back into focus, and a wave of exhaustion washed over me. Half a plate of braised lamb sat before me, but I couldn't bring myself to lift my hand and eat.

I sat there frozen for nearly a minute before leaning back to pat my stomach. It felt like I'd beaten a buffet, so I needed to congratulate it on a job well done. My fingers met taut, defined muscles, and I took a proper look at my body.

I looked like I belonged on the cover of a fitness magazine. I wasn't massive like Torvac or Oliver, but I had the sort of body you only saw on professional athletes. I was covered in muscle, but none of those muscles were big enough to affect my range of movement.

I had no idea when it had all appeared.

Everything since I'd first tasted the braised lamb was a frenzied blur. As I went back through my memory, I realised why the kitchen was mostly empty. Orlana had closed up shop hours ago and gone home for Nita's threshold party. Misk had arrived in the middle of the afternoon and was in the dining area drinking with Torvac, leaving two of his children and three of his oldest grandchildren to supply me with food.

The chefs saw me stop eating and began packing away, moving incredibly fast.

I wiped the sauce from my face with my napkin. "Sorry to keep you all here."

Oliver snorted as he wiped down his bench. "We've done this for our father and his friends countless times. A warrior's body can go far beyond the point where it should collapse, but when it is given a chance to recover, it lets its needs be known and will not be quiet until those needs are satisfied. I'll get your bill."

He came over a minute later and placed it on the table.

It was perfectly itemised.

It showed 1 salad, 518 servings of braised lamb, 192 servings of bone marrow, and 37 tankards of bone broth. The salad cost a whopping 48 coppers, while each serving of lamb and bone marrow cost 2 nobles and 16 coppers each. With the bone broth costing 18 nobles a tankard, my bill was over 20 crowns.

That was once enough money for me to live at Gretel's inn for a decade. It was insane.

Oliver saw me wince and chuckled. "My father said you're staying with us. Tell him we'll catch up after we're done cleaning."

"I will," I said, trying to remain calm at my bill. "Is recovering always this expensive?"

"This is considered cheap for a champion. Once you raise your attributes, you'll be paying a lot more."

I scowled as I pulled out my bank purse and paid my bill. The money I gave Oliver increased by 50% before he transferred it into his own bank purse.

I stared at the half-eaten plate of lamb and then forced myself to eat. Without the frenzy, the flavour and texture of the meal washed away any hard feelings and made me realise I'd be coming back here no matter how expensive their food was.

***

By the time we reached Torvac's, Nita's threshold party was in full swing. Guests crowded every room and hallway, laughing and playing games or listening to bards perform. Torvac left Misk and me at the door to play host to his guests, and Misk took me on a tour of the mansion, introducing me to people he knew while commenting on the bards we passed.

Playing at Orlana's was considered a way for bards to enter wealthier circles, so all she had to do was send an invitation, and dozens would show up to play for guests, hoping it would lead to playing at her restaurant. I found this fact interesting while we toured the massive mansion.

It was five times larger than Ranic's manor, and that was without including the training ground in the basement. However, the size had little to do with displaying their family's wealth. They needed that much space to comfortably house all four generations of their family.

To my surprise, our tour ended in a guest bedroom.

Misk understood how tired I was without needing to be told. Regrowing a limb had left me exhausted, and I felt like I hadn't slept in days. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep, so I didn't even try to be polite and insist we return to the festivities. I just flopped onto the covers and passed out.

In the early hours of the morning, a light knock on my door woke me. I knew that knock. I'd gotten used to that knock while living in Blackwood. I sighed, hoping that knock would go away, so I could sleep.

It didn't.

After the third knock, I rolled onto my back and glanced at Misk.

He was meditating in the corner of the room and making no move to shoo away my nighttime visitor. I took a deep breath and then tried to stop feeling annoyed at being woken. It was much harder while half asleep.

"Put all your points into charisma, because it will help you to get laid," I whispered patronisingly to myself. "It will be as easy as being a hot chick. You will just have to put out the offer, and they'll form a line. There won't be any downsides."

I gave up on trying to repress my annoyance, climbed off the bed, crossed the room, opened the door, and thanked whatever god was looking out for me that she wasn't naked.

One of Nita's teenage girlfriends stood at my door smiling and trying to pose provocatively in a night gown. "We're playing find and catch. Do you mind if I hide in your room?"

She didn't blush, only squinted to try to see me better in the dark. The other girls had always blushed. My charisma had left them giddy and adventurous, willing to do something they normally wouldn't.

Ilia had warned to be concerned when that stopped. It meant that my charisma was beginning to impinge on their free will and charm them. Thankfully, she'd taught me how to react in this situation.     

"Yes, I do mind. Goodnight."

You had to shut them down hard and then leave the conversation. They weren't truly charmed like I had been by Ilia, so an abrupt rejection was enough to break the effect.

I closed the door, locked it, and then walked back to bed, deeply regretting letting Farentine convince me to raise my charisma. If I had known I hadn't recovered from gaining my champion's mark, I would have held off. I'd been dealing with this enough in Blackwood.

As I pulled the covers over my head, Misk whispered. "What would you like me to do about the others?"