Unorthodox farming: Chapter 22 (Patreon)

Chapter 22

Local Slang

Torvac took over from my bodyguards the moment we returned to the Capitol. His friends had been away from home for over a week and wanted to see their families. Torvac didn't know anyone else who lived in the Capitol that he could trust not to be tempted to kill me. The keyword there being tempted. Torvac was overly protective of his friends, but all my bodyguards agreed that once you had proven you were worth his trust, there wasn't a better man to have your back.

I'd thanked my bodyguards for everything they'd done while we were away, told Torvac we had a mission, and then headed for the noble ladies' boarding house where Emily lived.

Before leaving Longhill, Jeric had taken me into a quiet room and handed me all the experience we'd received from the nobles, with instructions not to do anything else until Emily had it in her hands. I hadn't planned for this. Jeric hadn't warned me. Every conversation between him and Nobleman Briston, involving the experience, repeatedly said it would stay in his vault until Emily came to collect it.

It was the safest option.

Noble experience wasn't just one of the rarest types of experience. It was also one of the few that had no law against stealing and absorbing it. The lack of legal protection stemmed from many nobles being willing to go down fighting when defending their city, and the last thing they thought about in that situation was the experience they had stored in their vaults. Enough innocent people had been forced into hard labour trying to protect that experience for future generations through theft that most kingdoms no longer gave it legal protection.

Radian was one of them.

Jeric didn't trust Nobleman Briston. He didn't trust my bodyguards. But he trusted me to get the experience out of Longhill before Nobleman Briston discovered the fake experience crystals he'd placed in his vault.

However, when I arrived at the boarding house just before sunset, Emily was nowhere to be found. The woman in charge of the boarding house wouldn't allow me up the stairs but was kind enough to let us wait for Emily in the large communal area on the ground floor. The young noblewomen who lived with Emily were also kind enough to keep me company, so despite the inconvenience, I tried to make the best of the situation.

The following morning, as their cooks prepared breakfast, I spotted Emily approaching the boarding house entrance through the front window. Her eyes were darting from window to window when she noticed me looking in her direction.

I wasn't wearing a shirt, and I was playing a guitar that Noblewoman Lasa had lent me, so it took her a moment to process what she was seeing. The young noble ladies from her boarding house had filled me in on why she was absent. Clearly, her date with the young adventurer had gone better than expected.

I flashed her a grin.

Emily noticed the crowd around me and began miming sneaking in. The boarding house rules said she had to be back before midnight, and she was clearly not back before midnight, so she wanted me to cover for her. She seemed to be assuming that I just arrived and was waiting for her to come down. Which also meant that she assumed I was the sort of person who would just randomly take their shirt off in a room full of young women while they were waiting for someone.

It was a little insulting.

However, this wasn't the time to be offended. The owner of the boarding house had already had the servants pack up Emily's things. She didn't know it, but she'd already been kicked out. There was no reason to sneak in.

I flashed the noblewomen around me a smile. "Thank you all for keeping me company while I waited. Lady Emily appears to have arrived. I just need a moment to speak with her."

I cut off the music and jumped off the couch. There was a lot of giggling as I made my way to the front door. Torvac rose from his couch and walked over, handing me my luggage.

I opened the front door and stepped outside, leaving Torvac to check for threats.

Emily was in the process of slipping off her shoes to sneak in. She scowled the moment she noticed it was me. "You're supposed to be covering for me?"

"I've been here all night. You've been kicked out for not adhering to the boarding house's rules."

Emily's scowl turned to annoyance. "Why did you have to stay all night?"

I placed my luggage on the ground, opened the buckles for the top compartment, and then pulled out the pouch with the experience crystal. There were still more farmers who needed to be leveled, but this experience crystal would get her to level 100. There were two more. One which would get Rina to her third threshold if Emily was interested in the idea.

I untied the string and pulled out the crystal. "Because of this."

Emily's eyes widened, and her head turned on a swivel, checking if anyone was close. "Why isn't that in Longhill?"

"Your father doesn't trust anyone with this much experience, so let's do this quickly."

I stepped forward and swept Emily off her feet, making sure her dress didn't hang down and touch the ground. Emily understood why I was holding her without needing to be told. She threw an arm over my shoulder to support her weight while her other hand darted towards the crystal.

My farm manor ring meant I was always on my farm, which was in Blackwood, which meant that Emily would gain her levels and go through her second threshold while in Blackwood. It would earn Blackwood more village points.

Torvac had gone on high alert the moment the crystal had appeared and was holding the front door shut while eyeing everywhere and everything all at once.

Emily absorbed the crystal without hesitation. Light enveloped her, giving her a sunny glow that grew brighter as she passed through her second threshold.

I grinned at her, and she grinned back as her body changed with the flood of attributes. She'd always been pretty, but many of the small imperfections vanished before my eyes. Her limbs lengthened to slightly more Vitruvian proportions, and her eyes became a little more vibrant, more emerald-like.

This was a big moment for her.

It was a big moment for Blackwood.

Most nobles took a century to pass through their second threshold. But she was already through it. It opened up all sorts of possibilities. Her promotions before level 50 only affected her, but from now on, they would affect Blackwood as well. It would change everything.

This moment should have been shared with her parents. She should have been surrounded by friends. Instead, she got a shirtless farmer and his adventurer friend outside of a boarding house that she'd just been kicked out of.

That didn't seem to bother her. She continued to grin as the light began to fade. "Why are you shirtless?"

"A few of your friends were a little clumsy with their wine. After the third one was sent away with wine stains, I decided I didn't want to keep burning money."

At one point, they had started a competition to see who could accidentally spill the most wine on me. The last shirt was so heavily stained I wasn't sure if it was salvageable. That was also why I hadn't retrieved a replacement from my luggage. 

"They're not my friends. Most of them are entitled brats whose only accomplishment in life will be marrying a noble they can support with their promotions."

"That's not what they told me."

Emily raised an eyebrow and then scoffed dramatically. "I wonder why?"

I laughed as the light faded and then placed her on her feet. "Why do you live here if you don't like most of them?"

"Because the ones who aren't entitled are going to be some of the most important noblewomen of my generation. Rina advised me to establish a relationship with them before I need it."

I knew that they'd been writing to each other per our agreement. "How's that going?"

"Now that I've been kicked out, I imagine things will go much more smoothly. Though it is sooner than I planned."

I frowned, not understanding where she was coming from. "What?"

Emily rolled her eyes. "Arnold, this is the most restrictive boarding house in the Capitol. It's impossible to sneak a boy up that staircase, and our bedroom windows have alarms. Do you have any idea how many friends I'm going to make once I leave here and start throwing parties?"

Emily was starting her own frat house by the sounds of it. A frat house that would establish a strong network of noble connections. Considering how well that usually worked at Ivy League colleges, it wasn't a bad plan.

I chuckled. "If you need a musician-"

Emily rolled her eyes again. "I'll find someone who doesn't turn my party into a one-man ogling show. You make men my age far too self-conscious when you're around."

"And way too many women drool, right?"

Emily laughed and playfully punched my arm. "Thank you for delivering the experience. Sorry, I kept you waiting all night, but now kindly vacate the area so I can move ahead with my plan."

She was experiencing an attribute high, so gaining so many so quickly.

"What about my shirts?"

"Your luggage is sitting right at your feet. If you need one, I'm sure you can find it in there."

"Torvac want to suggest this many times. Friend Arnold was very cold in there."

Emily giggled.

I bent down and started looking for a shirt. "Come and visit me when you're free. I want to discuss something your dad suggested."

"Can it wait until after my threshold party?"

"Only if it's going to be a good one."

Emily smiled. "It's going to be the biggest party the academy has seen in years."

***

Nobles gained a promotion at level 10, which gave them a stipend from the system. This stipend offered them one crown per month for each level they had in the noble class. Emily had been gaining twenty-five crowns a month for a while now, so she was far from broke. Now that she was level 74, she had the sort of money that let her live extravagantly, which is why she was renting a fifteen-bedroom mansion near the academy.

Thousands of students and hundreds of young adventurers had shown up for her threshold party. It wasn't a noble event but a full-blown rager, and it went on for two straight days. Emily had hired wizards from the local academy to cast noise-dampening spells to hide the music coming from the bards and shouts and cheers coming from the students. Caterers from all over the city delivered food and kegs at all hours of the day, so people kept coming in and out.

I'd only seen Emily a handful of times as I went from room to room enjoying the festivities. Not being able to get drunk kind of sucked when you were at a college party, but my Socialite ability didn't let that dampen my mood.

In the early hours of the morning, when those with lower attributes were stumbling home to bed or passing out where they sat, I stepped onto a balcony to get some air, nodding to my bodyguard. They had been with me the entire time, helping me whenever someone wouldn't take no for an answer. Alcohol, hormones, and extremely high charisma didn't mix well. I'd ended up having to spend most of my time with the rich kids, because they had experience being around people with charisma as high as mine.

On the street below, students stumbled home, arms over their friends' shoulders, singing unfamiliar tunes. Despite the unfamiliar music, it was a familiar sight. One that transcended worlds and reminded me of home.

The party would end in a few hours when the sun rose, but it was already dying down. Only a handful of people were still going hard, and they'd either arrived late or had the attributes to keep going indefinitely.

Anyone could see that most were over it.

Emily's threshold party had been fun, but it didn't hold a candle to Ranic's threshold party with all those crazy scholars. Being in a potion-fuelled haze for a week wasn't something you could replicate, though.

I wanted to keep going, but I was thinking of heading back to Farentine's place. Those left inside couldn't match my energy, so I might as well get some sleep.

The balcony door opened behind me.

I turned.

Sasha stepped onto the balcony wearing a stunning red dress and flashed me a smile. "Have you slept since the party started?"

I shook my head. "I can go a week without sleeping if I want to. I'll sleep when it's over."

Sasha walked over and leaned against the railing next to me. "That must be nice."

"Most of the time it's not something you want to do, but at times like this it's great. Unless everyone can't keep up with your energy."

Sasha looked back. "Is it getting too quiet in there for you?"

"Yeah, everyone's too drunk or too tired."

"Did you have fun?"

"I love it. Second-best party I've ever been to."

"What was the best?"

"The scholar's party in Weldon. The one where I got my Socialite ability. Wildest week of my life."

Sasha smirked. "I remember you mentioning that. If you're bored and want to get a little wild, I know about a scholar party happening nearby. Emily went to bed a while ago, so we won't be missed."

I glanced back inside, looking through the windows. There were even fewer people than when I'd come out here. This party was dead. Since I was thinking of leaving anyway, I didn't feel bad about jumping ship.

"Lead the way."

***

An hour later, I was lying on the couch in Emily's house-sized bedroom, staring at the ceiling while she laughed uncontrollably from an armchair beside me. I'd desperately needed her to clarify something for me, and I wasn't willing to wait until morning, knocking on her bedroom door until she finally woke up. The ramifications of my miscommunication were simply too huge if I was right.

Judging by her response, it was as bad as I feared.

Soft, magical crystals lit the room as I stared at her ceiling with mounting horror, not wanting to say the next words, but knowing I had to. "Just to clarify, scholar's party is the socially acceptable term for orgy in your world. It doesn't mean a party filled with scholars."

Emily laughed harder, gasping out words. "Stop it. I can't breathe. This is too much."

I was in shock, and my mouth wouldn't stop moving.

"Oh my God. I basically told you mother, I went to an orgy the first time I met her."

Emily was past the point where she was in tears, and she kept slapping the arm of her chair and kicking her feet against the ground.

"I basically told you I went to an orgy the first time we spoke."

Emily smothered her face with a pillow as she shook, trying to drown out the sound of her laughter or my voice.

"When people ask what I like most about your world, I normally respond that I love your scholar parties."

"I can't breathe," she said again, laughing through her pillow.

"No one had ever corrected me, and I bring it up a lot."

Emily tried to hit me with her hand as she continued to laugh into her pillow. She was trying to get me to stop, but my mouth wouldn't stop moving.

"I've said it in front of children, the elderly, random people I've just met." My mind was bringing up everyone I'd ever told that I loved scholar's parties. "Is why Pavatin was so sure I needed a sex dungeon? Does everyone think that the moment I leave Blackwood alone, all I do is go to orgies?"

Emily continued to howl into her pillow. "That's exactly what we think."

"I'm the bloody village pervert. Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Most of us aren't as purdish as Hamlin."

"Oh my God! Is this why he's always giving me a hard time?"

Emily continued laughing, but suddenly tossed her pillow and blanket aside and dashed across her massive bedroom to her in her nightgown to the ensuite, slamming the door behind her. I could still hear her laughing through the door.

When Sasha and I arrived at the mansion where the orgy was taking place, I hadn't noticed anything off. People were drinking and laughing near the entrance, maybe a little too close to be normal, but it was late, and parties changed when that happened. Then Sasha took me deeper into the mansion, and it dawned on me where we were.

I'd been confused why she had brought me to an orgy for a good ten seconds until a naked older woman stepped out of a room and noticed my bewildered look. She'd given me a magnetic smile and said, "First time at a scholar's party, dear?"

I had gotten out of there as fast as I could, terrified by the meaning of those words.

Emily was still laughing when she opened the ensuite door two minutes later. She pointedly didn't look at me as giggles kept escaping her lips. She collected her pillow and blanket from the floor, wrapped the blanket around her, and returned to the armchair, where she hugged the pillow to her shaking belly. She was grinning ear to ear.

She pressed her lips together, face flushed from laughter. "Just to confirm. All these years, you thought you were talking about an actual party with scholars?'

"Yes!"

Emily lifted her pillow to her face as she giggled violently. It took her another minute to calm down.

She lowered the pillow and looked at me. "Also, just to confirm. You've never actually been to a scholar's party."

"Not until tonight."

Emily howled with laughter. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?"

"Every conversation I've ever had where I mention scholar parties is currently playing in my head on repeat, so yes, I understand how ridiculous this sounds."

Emily was having far too much fun. "I've heard you talk about how much you love them so many times that I just ignore it now. My father even sat me down before we went back to Blackwood and explained that your passion for scholar parties was your only major character flaw and was why he never wanted me to marry you. He also said not to take it too seriously, because you weren't trying to throw them in Blackwood. I've had to repeat this to others. A lot. I'm not the only one."

It was much worse than I thought.

Emily broke into another giggle fit when she saw my expression.

"Gretel once asked me if I wanted to pay her to organise a scholar party at her inn," I said, as another memory came up. "I told her Blackwood didn't have what we needed for a real wild party, so it wasn't worth the money."

Emily covered her face with her pillow as she lost it again.

"I'm going to have to explain myself to everyone."

Emily howled with laughter.

As the truth of my own words hit me, I realised who I had to start with, and I pushed myself off the couch. I had something I needed to do.

Emily tried to grab me. "Where are you going! I need more information. This is the funniest thing I've ever heard."

"I ran out of the scholar's party so fast that I left what I now realise was my date behind. I need to go and apologise."

Emily pointed to her door and then pointed left. "Sasha's bedroom is three doors down on the right."

"You knew who took me?"

"It's not hard to work out. Sasha is the only one of my friends who thinks you love orgies. And the fact you didn't mention who took you told me I knew her."

"Don't tell her I gave it away."

Emily grinned. "I'm not promising that. I am going to tell her every detail of this conversation the moment she comes in here to find out if you're lying to her. I'm not keeping something this funny to myself. This is the best end to a threshold party ever."

I left while she howled with laughter.