The Magistrate: Chapter 135 (Patreon)

Chapter 135

An Honest Conversation

Less than a year later, Tobias was drinking tea in his private garden, cataloguing the changes his clan's realm had undergone. His grandfather had long since collected the spirit herbs from the Hidden Blossom Sect and brought them back to study. While his grandpa's passion remained tea, he was still the greatest gatherer their clan possessed. He had worked out how to influence their spirit herbs with the dao of hidden beauty, but this came at the cost of slowing their cultivation. His most successful experiments had been carried out in Tobias's and the Blossoms' gardens to help deepen their understanding of the dao. Instead of working out the way his grandpa hoped, it had boosted the Blossoms' understanding of gathering as they used his techniques to manipulate the spirit herbs further.

The Blossoms' spirit herbs grew more quickly and were more potent than his grandpa's. Understanding why and incorporating it into their clan's techniques had led to a new wave of innovation. The dao of the spirit herbs was now clearer to all who studied them, giving them insight into why some spirit herbs could ascend realms while others could not. It showed everyone that there was always more to discover, more to learn and more reasons to be excited about life.

Xu Ling walked through Tobias's open door, crossed the garden, and took a seat opposite him without saying a word. Tobias picked up an empty cup, filled it with regular Three Towns Tea, then refilled his cup and drank in silence.

It had been nearly a week since Xu Ling had undergone enlightenment for the dao of hidden beauty. During that time, she had spoken with the Blossoms, her father, and Tobias's family, studied several manuals that Hun Jia had rewritten, and meditated on everything she had learned. Tobias did not know if this would be the end of their friendship, but he had lived for over a century without her, so knew that it would not destroy him, only leave his life less rich.

When she finished her tea, Tobias refilled it, enjoying being in her presence. They had often sat in silence together, contemplating their own thoughts while enjoying each other's company. It was one of the many parts of his life that he wanted back.

Xu Ling stared at her tea. "I can see into your hidden heart. I can see that you can live without me in your life."

"I've never wanted to, though."

Xu Ling smiled. "You're different than when you left."

Tobias nodded. "I rediscovered how to be the person I was before this life wrapped me in restrictions of culture and expectation."

Xu Ling frowned, still not meeting his gaze. "You've always known who you are. It's one of your more annoying traits."

Tobias nodded again and opened his heart and his history in a way he'd never done for anyone else. "That's one of the advantages of being born remembering your past life."

Xu Ling froze.

"When I met you in Mist City, I'd already lived a mortal life of eighty-seven years. Those years were filled with all the joys and heartache mortality brings. Compared to that life, the early years of this one had been a bitter experience, one where I had to learn to conform to survive. And while I did know myself, I did not know how to be myself in the new culture I had found myself in."

Xu Ling swallowed.

"When I was younger, I thought hiding away from the world and its restrictions would make me happy. Then as I got a little older, I thought changing those restrictions might make me happy. But what I have learned from wandering is that I am happiest when I ignore those restrictions and simply be myself, dealing with the consequences."

Xu Ling sucked in a breath. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because while I wandered, I realised how poorly I had treated you. You are my closest friend, so I should have told you long ago why I ignored your affection in the beginning. Why I accepted your friendship, but not your advances. Why this distance between us exists despite you no longer wanting it. You were the first true friend I made in this life, and I have never been honest with you the way I should have been. I don't want that to continue, because you deserve better. So, if you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer. There is a saying from my old life. Better late than never."

Xu Ling did have questions, many questions. Tobias spent the afternoon answering them as best he could. She asked about his wife, where they had met, and how long they were together. She asked about his children and his career, what he studied and why. She asked about everything she could think of, taking the conversation late into the night.

As the sun rose the following morning, the questions continued. "I need to ask this."

Xu Ling had asked many questions, none of them required her to give him a warning.

Tobias nodded.

"Are you a god sent down here as punishment?"

Tobias laughed, despite knowing she was serious. "What about my experience suggests I was once a god?"

Xu Ling smiled and laughed with him. "Off the top of my head, there is the fact that you have revolutionised the cultivation world and continue to do so. The fact that you have a mortal goddess following you around, calling you "Master". And the fact that you remember your past life."

Tobias paused, giving the question some thought, before shaking his head. "No. I don't believe I'm a god who must cultivate their way back to the heavens like Hun Fen."

"It would explain a lot of your accomplishments if you were."

"My understanding of cultivation up to the core realm didn't require anything beyond my understanding of my previous life. That was all statistical probability and science. Dao has some relation to science. Understanding the chemical and mathematical properties of heavenly laws provides insights and comprehensions, but only to a limited extent. Beyond that, I think it comes down to divinity, talent, building a strong foundation, and personal interest."

"So, to be clear, you're not a god."

"Not as far as I'm aware."

Xu Ling sighed.

"Would you prefer that I was?"

"It would make it easier for me to understand why I can never keep up with you. Those feelings of insecurity bother me less since my enlightenment, but it is still a question I want answered."

"I've met many who can grasp certain aspects of the dao more easily than I can. I have met many who can grasp those aspects more deeply. My gifts do not lie in one particular area, but in how it is all related. Without enough examples, I'm as blind as everyone else. I will never be the artist or musician you are. I will never understand the dao of hidden beauty the way Hun Jia does or the sword the way Hun Fen can. I will never come close to understanding the dao of tea the way my grandpa does."

"Do you honestly believe that all of your discoveries stem from your experience as an actuary?"

"In many ways it does. When we become cultivators, our actions shape who we become. My actions in my youth and my experience from my past life shaped me into an immortal magistrate. An individual who understands and implements heavenly laws. These gifts I have match the path I walk."

"You make it sound like you don't have a choice?"

"People are not blank slates. They are not shapeless clay that is malleable. Our choices are influenced by who we are.   I can make choices that go against my nature, but they do not feel right. They lack authenticity. If I wish to feel comfortable in my own skin, I must live as an immortal magistrate does. And that life leads me to search for answers among heaven's laws, and those answers expand our understanding of cultivation and dao, which I pass on, because this also feels right."

"Hun Jia told me that she believes prodigies are immortals who have passed away and returned to the cycle of reincarnation. That the fear I felt over my feelings for you might have come from a deep trauma left over from my past life." Xu Ling took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you needed."

"I'm sorry I couldn't keep waiting until you were ready."

Xu Ling offered a sad smile. "I understand why you couldn't. Hun Jia's a wonderful woman. And she's like you in every way that matters. It broke my heart to see her sitting next to you when I came out of seclusion, because I knew when I laid eyes on her that I was looking at a woman you could fall in love with without reservation. A woman who I want in life as much as I want you."

Tobias reached out and took Xu Ling's hand, threading his fingers through hers. Xu Ling hesitated. Centuries of adherence to etiquette could not be easily overcome, but despite her discomfort, she did not pull away. "I don't want to lose you from my life, but I understand if this is too much for you."

A tear rolled down Xu Ling's cheek. "Seeing you with her hurts more than anything I've ever experienced, but then you smile at her in a way you've never smiled at me, and your happiness lessens my pain."

Tobias smiled, sharing his hidden heart and his love for her.

Xu Ling's gaze softened, and she sighed. "How can you love us equally and yet neither of you care?"

"You are new to the dao of hidden beauty. You are new to what you are now capable of. In time you will learn to love completely and uncompromisingly without taking from one to give to another."

"Does it hurt?"

"I would be lying if I said it didn't."

"Is it worth it?"

"Only time will tell. But if you stay in my life, I promise to give you the most beautiful friendship this world has ever seen."

Xu Ling smiled. "Will that make it hurt less?"

Tobias smiled back. "Only time will tell, but I hope it will."