February 2, 2024 Roundup (or How I Hexed Elmo) (Patreon)

After 15 thousand likes and more than 900 retweets, I have to come clean about a tweet of mine. A few days ago, I hexed Elmo.

It was a 29th of January like any other, only this one happened in 2024. It was on that fateful Monday morning, Sesame Street's overgrown child star Elmo, who has been three and a half years old for far too long, posted on the site formerly known as Twitter:

Elmo is just checking in! How is everybody doing?

About 76 thousand people proceeded to trauma dump on Elmo, waxing poetic about how depressing their lives had become. This congregating of misery made headlines and major cable networks, reminding everyone of just how sad their lives can turn out to be when a puppet checks up on them.

The next day, I saw some tweets where people said that Elmo didn't need to hear about trauma. I posted, and I quote,

Be less protective of Elmo. He has a merchandise empire and only speaks in the third person. Dude can afford a dose of reality.

Shortly afterwards, Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David assaulted Elmo on NBC's The Today Show. I took to X to distance myself from my previous statement, insisting I had no knowledge or premonition of the assault. But X users insisted that I had "manifested" the famously cantankerous Larry David's attack on Elmo, or that I was guilty of "stochastic terrorism" and could "go to court" for "spurring on violence."

And look, I offer no apologies for using my immense power. Elmo has been 3 for far too long. It's time for him to face reality and 4. He has to wake up and smell the arithmetic. By manifesting this attack, I have given Elmo his first real interpersonal challenge in decades.

In fact, Elmo's father called me this morning and thanked me for making this happen. He said "thank God someone finally stood up to him. Do you know what it's like to be the parent of a celebrity child? He's always saying 'don't you know who Elmo is?'" I rest my case.

So be careful. I have a very particular set of skills that none of you are aware of. If you cancel or drop your pledge to my Patreon, I will find you. And I will have Larry David assault you on national television.

And after all that, the headlines:

Biden has imposed sanctions on West Bank settlers who've committed violence against Palestinians (the most tautological sentence I've written in a while). This doesn't cancel out his support of Netanyahu or the staggering death rate in Gaza, but it's perhaps a sign that the pressure is getting to this administration. (Keep it up.)

The U.S. reveals in a Senate hearing that it's anxious about Chinese attacks on American infrastructure. Predictably, FBI Director Christopher Wray used the hearing to vouch for the renewal of FISA Section 702, which allows the U.S. to perform surveillance on non-Americans. I've written about this one a fair bit, and will continue to do so.

The House gave 357-70 approval to a tax bill that expands child tax credits and restores some corporate tax breaks.

The Onion reports that Elmo's hair is falling off in clumps, perhaps another consequence of my hex.

In my own city of Rochester, folks are fighting to extend a partnership with the University of Rochester that gives extensive help to local schools.

A local Pennsylvania politician is trying to primary the Squad by recruiting Hindu nationalists and Zionists to register as Democrats and vote against them. So that's fun.

A pigeon in Mumbai has been released from custody after authorities detained it for eight months on suspicions of espionage.