Reflections After 10 Episodes (Patreon)

The last two months have been a whirlwind. The busiest, craziest, and most tiring of my life.

Funny thing is, the last two months of my life have also been the most exhilarating and rewarding I’ve experienced in my 32 years on this planet. I’ve never felt so creative, so excited, and so personally and professionally fulfilled.

Life comes at you like that, sometimes. With highs and lows, sometimes in extremes, stitched together just-so in order to create a new tapestry you couldn’t imagine possible even days and weeks earlier.

Moving on from my old life wasn’t easy, nor intuitive. It was overtly frightening, leaping without looking. I wrote about, made videos concerning, and podcasted on video games for a staggering 18 years of my life. I started from the most embryonic state imaginable, with nothing but a ton of free time allotted only to bored teenagers, and an insatiable appetite for the craft. I had no expectations of (or much desire for) success or fame. But I became one of the lucky ones. My hard work and determination paid off. It is a classic bootstraps story, a classic midnight oil story, a classic burning both ends story. It is all the proof you need that you are the captain of your own ship, and you play a major, central role in charting your own course.

But the story doesn’t start and stop there. I’ll always be the first to tell you that, without the kindness and belief of those around me, and the opportunities they provided for me, I would have never risen from freelancer and intern to Associate Editor to Editor to Senior Editor of the world’s biggest video game website. I would have never co-hosted one of the most famous, popular, and beloved gaming podcasts the world has ever seen. Likewise, without the love, support, and kindness of those who followed me for those many years, I wouldn’t have been able to walk away from that situation strictly on my own terms. I could have stayed -- I’d still be there right now, had I chosen a different path -- but I saw opportunity. Something new beckoning on the horizon.

I knew that next endeavor would also ultimately end for me -- nothing is permanent -- though I didn’t anticipate I’d choose to walk away after only a couple of years. But I did, once again on my own terms, and once again because of the strength provided to me by the thousands upon thousands upon thousands of you out there who, somehow, some way, became my ardent fans and supporters. Somewhere along the way -- in a million different ways, at a million different moments in time -- you and I became intrinsically linked. That fact, and that fact alone, has been one of the truest, realest blessings of my life. If my mind is the engine, and my heart the compass, then you guys an gals are undoubtedly the fuel.

Jumping into the abyss was scary. It still is, actually. But we all deserve an opportunity for true happiness. Not just contentment or “this is what I do, so I guess I’ll do it forever,” but actual happiness. A reason to wake up in the morning, to excitedly approach each day with an authentic eagerness. I hadn’t had that in years. It’s hard to explain to an outside observer how lost, lonely, trapped, and depressed I had become. I kept telling myself, “this is who you are, and this is what you do,” but in reality, I am who I am, and I can do whatever I set my mind to. (That’s true for all of us, by the way.)

Colin’s Last Stand is the result of an internal and external maelstrom, a tugging of the heart and the mind, the creation of something out of a raging wildfire. I didn’t know if it’d work. I didn’t know if anyone would care. And those remain open questions: I still don’t know if it’ll ultimately work, and I still know if anyone will ultimately care. But the signs sure are positive, aren’t they? My modest financial goals were eclipsed many times over. My estimates for how many views my videos would get, how positive the interactions would be on YouTube, what the like-to-dislike ratio was, how Reddit and Twitter and Facebook would respond. all blown to smithereens. It turns out there’s an appetite out there for something with actual heft and meaning, and all of you out there determined the barometer’s incredibly positive reading.

I’ve never worked this hard in my life, and that says something, not only to me, but to family and close friends, who know that there were many times in my life when I was nothing but a workaholic. I’ve given myself one real day off since my resignation; otherwise, I’ve worked my ass off. I’m sleeping less than I’ve ever slept. I’ve lost weight. I’m up at weird hours, writing a script, or jotting down some notes, or interacting with CLS’ amazing fanbase across the Internet.

I’ve never been this happy, because I’m doing exactly what it is I want to do. I’ve never felt this fulfilled, because I wasn’t only able to live my dream once, through my 20’s, but twice, into my 30’s. And even if it all falls apart and it all goes away, I will know that I tried, that I gave it my all, that I left it all out on the field. Every ounce of me has gone into this. I’ve given it everything. And I hope it shows, even if there’s so much left for me to learn, to figure out, and to improve at. I am a one man army, and I’m doing my absolute best, each and every day. I will never, ever mail it in.

I lost a lot these past couple of months. Friends I thought were friends weren’t. Allies I had assisted didn’t return the favor. I barely stepped foot in my own apartment that I had once adored, and a city that I had spent so much time in and learned to love ended up a cold husk I no longer wanted to be anywhere near.

But in that destruction came a sort of beautiful awakening. I moved to a new city, one that feels so welcoming, so different, and so unique. I got a new apartment in a new building, blocks from the beach (I need to connect to my LI roots, after all). New friends and allies appeared and extended a hand. My oldest friends -- the Ramons and Mike Popes of the world -- reaffirmed their love and affection for me. My family -- my father and mother, my sisters and brother, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, my cousins, my nieces and nephews, down to the absolute last person -- showed their undying affection for me. Old friends, acquaintances, and faces I hadn’t heard from in years patted me on the back and reminded me they knew who I really was.

And my girlfriend -- my fucking unmovable rock of a woman -- stayed in my corner and vigilantly watched my back. You want to talk about loyalty? You want to talk about thick and thin? You want to talk about utter devotion? You have your definition in Erin.

Never before had I seen where so many people stood. And while it was painful in many ways, it was incredible in others. The cast of characters I have in my life today are nothing short of incredible, and the opportunities being presented to me to this day, even outside of Colin’s Last Stand, are extraordinary.

But, as always, it circles right on back to all of you. The fuel. You stood by me, too. You had my back, too. You were as eager to support me, watch my videos, and show your love as I was to move on with my life, to try something new, and to hope above all else that it’d succeed. None of you out there -- whether you watch an occasional video or support me at the highest level on Patreon, or anywhere in between -- can truly fathom how much I owe you. Nothing is lost on me there. Not a damn thing. You and I? We have a bond. The proof, as it turns out, is in the pudding.

Colin’s Last Stand continues to evolve, to (I hope) get better, and to -- above all else -- inform, educate, and catalyze a little bit of thought. In a world full of so much filler and so much bullshit, I want CLS to provide a respite. I hope it’s working. You’ll be the judge of that.

I thank you from the very bottom of my heart for what you’ve done for me. I won’t let you down.

Your friend, -Colin