hello. (Patreon)

Hello. this is Saya. You are probably already tired of these explanatory posts about where I disappear and why I don’t publish anything? I'm sorry... I'll try to make post like this as rare as possible... I want to tell you about my latest six months. I think you need to know because you support me so much. At the beginning of this year, I was followed by a stalker. somebody illegally found out my home address, and also, some stranger sealed up the peephole on my front door, so I developed a new phobia. and I was afraid to being at home. it was scary to find out that some stranger knows your home address and pretends to be you on the Internet. so staying in Russia became even more scary for me... you know, I never felt Russia as my home - it was a bit difficult for me to be here and I liked coming here as a tourist place. but because of the virus, I became locked up here. so I decided to save money, moved to another apartment and I want to make money by all means to move to Japan, where I feel at home. (I'm embarrassed to say this because I'm not Japanese,so I’m sorry for this… but these are my real feelings.). I wanted to do my best, I spent a lot of energy moving alone and I was going to work hard. (indeed, I tried to do regular streams and many photo shoots, which I still haven’t published and shown to you). but there were many problems that made it difficult for me to live and work. (I always publish all the information on the Internet later, cause I’m afraid that people may track me or know too much about me..) in the spring my mother and my younger sister came to visit me, but my mother was in intensive care, so for a while I had to give up most of my affairs and look after my sister. after their departure, I had asthma for a whole month (I’ve had this disease since childhood), I couldn’t sleep normally and I was suffocating all day. I cried every night because I couldn't sleep. no medicine helped, only now I feel better (but sometimes there is a slight cough). and recently there was an incident that killed me. I lost the closest and dearest creature to me - my cat, which was everything for me in this world. my friend opened the window and I didn't notice it because I wasn't there. my cat just fell out the window. I cremated her at the same day. I can't blame my friend for this, because not all people have cats at home and they don’t know about it, but I will never forget her empty eyes. I love her so much that I'm ready to scream about it. I think you should know that this street cat came to me three years ago - when I wanted to end my life. I tried different methods of suicide (after which I started to be treated by a psychotherapist, but I didn’t finish the treatment), and this cat saved me. At first it was very difficult for us together, but after some months we became the closest in the whole world. I wanted to talk about it, but I don't want to see different advice or reproaches, so I decided to talk about it here. I want to go through this grief and fight it, and even if I cry every day, I will continue to work hard. I will do my best to leave here and leave all the dark past. so that you believe in me, I will show you the number of photo shoots that I have done lately. I try to make more content so that I can continue to share it with you even when I move to Japan (or any other country in case of problems) and if I’ll be too busy to take new photos and videos for you.

thanks for supporting me all this time! please continue to support me from now on too!