Book 8, chapters 23 and 24 (Patreon)

Hello, everyone! Reminder! We have the kickstarter for volumes 2 & 3 of DCC going. Thank you for all so much for your support. We are out of the signed and numbered book 1s, but you can still get the Quest Failed Bitchmeat edition of book 1. It's an add-on. If you've already backed and you want that edition, you can edit your pledge to grab it. Or grab it during the surveys. And, of course, the Florin Backerkit is available right now still too. I got to hang out with Brett Bean and the Vault team during NYCC, and they're all awesome dudes.

The amount of support is truly daunting. And honestly, it's almost embarrassing how awesome it's doing. I've made it no secret I didn't want two of these at the same time, but because of this crazy scheduling stuff, it was out of my control. I was worried they would cannibalize each other, but it seems the opposite is happening. The people at the coffee shop are looking at me funny. I feel like blurting "You know I don't actually get this money, right? We pretty much broke even on the last kickstarter, and books cost the same amount this time. I'm just happy it's available." But that would be weird.In case you didn't know, the paperback of the Ace edition of DCC will come on December 30th. I will be doing two signings to support it. Both are local to me. One at Barnes and Noble in Lakewood on 1/3 and another at We Book Book'n in Monroe on 1/10. Both are just signings, not talks. I mean, I will talk to you. Just not all of you at the same time. Lakewood, WA, Barnes & Noble: https://stores.barnesandnoble.com/event/9780062197173-0

We Be Book’N signing slots:

4PM signing slot = https://square.link/u/UNMMURuS

5PM signing slot = https://square.link/u/kAg6iYBI

6PM signing slot = https://square.link/u/oBXaa2HC

Anyway, onto the chapters!

Chapter 23

I seethed.

Akuma. The leader of the War Mage rebellion from Faction Wars. The magic-based creature who’d almost ruined everything. He’d killed Stalwart and had stolen the Gate of the Feral Gods. He’d somehow disappeared after they’d taken the castle and had tasked me with killing Agatha.

He’d also claimed to have found the Scavenger’s Daughter in the castle. I’d made a mental note to have a conversation with Mordecai and Rosetta about that, but I hadn’t had time. I still had no idea what anything of it had to do with all of this.

I watched Samantha hop up and down as Jasha poured beer into her mouth. I remembered that whole business with her sand ooze daughter that had supposedly been hiding in the castle. The same castle the war mages had been searching.

Samantha. Her daughter. The Scavenger. Emberus. The murder of his son, Geyrun. The god Hellik, who I was supposed to kill. The memorial crystal Prepotente now had.

It was all connected somehow, and I had no idea what the fuck any of it meant.

I re-read the note, putting the words into my notepad before crumpling the paper up and pulling it into my inventory.   

I can smuggle friends to the Pineapple Cabaret.

I’d only heard that term one time before. The Pineapple Cabaret. What was it? It wasn’t mentioned anywhere in the cookbook that I could recall. The AI, in possession of Growler Gary’s body, had offered the orc princess Formidable “Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret” as one of the location options for her banishment after she’d tried to trigger the failsafe.

She’d ended up choosing the Earth’s surface, and apparently the AI had dropped her in the ocean somewhere, implying all the locations on that list had been bad choices.

The war mage wanted me to kill two opposing teams. I didn’t know why, and if I didn’t know why, I wasn’t going to do it. At least not deliberately.

My thoughts were interrupted by shouting.

“Dong! Dong!” It was Splash Zone.  

I looked up to see the three strippers still on the driveway of the Lady Dominators. The garage door hadn’t opened, but Dong was on his hands and knees with a health bar. Bucket Boy was over him, giving him a health potion.

What now? I rushed up.

Dong moved to a sitting position in the driveway, looking pale. I examined him, but there was nothing that indicated what had hurt him.

“I do not feel so well,” Dong said. “Corcunda!” he called, reaching for the garage door. “Do you hear me!”

“Go away, you freak!” came a shout from inside the garage. That was Genesis.

“Yeah, he says he hates you now,” came Rapture. This was followed by peals of laughter.  

“I can’t tell what’s wrong,” Bucket Boy said. “We need Imani. My Triage spell is only level 5, and it says his ailment is hidden.”

“They did it,” Splash Zone said, glaring at the closed garage door. “We can’t fight back because we’re standing in a safe zone, but they ain’t.”

Donut came rushing up. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?”

“Let’s get him back to our garage,” I said, picking the old stripper up.

“But he’s right inside,” Dong said. Bucket Boy had given him a Fine Healing potion, and it was keeping his health stable, but there was clearly something wrong. “Do you think he hasn’t forgiven me? Do you think that’s it? Do you think he truly hates me?”

“Come on,” I said.

From inside the closed garage door, I heard another, faint shout. This was followed by a distinctive slap and Rapture shouting, “Shut up!”

Quest Complete! I have dreamed thee too long.  

Okay, okay, technically you were supposed to “reunite” them. This is close enough. We’ll say it’s complete.

Reward: No reward yet. That was only part one. Be patient.  

New Quest! Half a prayer, half a song.

Part two of two.

Dong Quixote and his best friend in the world, Corcunda, are now aware that each other still live, despite terrible forces—looking at you, Carl—trying to keep them apart.

But now there’s a serious conundrum. Corcunda is on another team. Before we’re done here on the 10th floor, he’s going to be dead. Or you, Carl and Donut, will be dead. I know that little brain of yours is trying to figure out ways to fix things like we did at the end of the 8th floor. That’s not going to happen this time. Not on a large scale, at least. We will have some wiggle room here and there on a case-by-case basis, rules and entertainment value permitting. But let’s be honest here. Too many of the fan favorites survived the last floor. That whole Li Jun dying instead of Zhang thing was a nice twist, but, to quote a guy more mentally ill than even you, you gotta be realistic about these things.

Luckily there’s a solution when it comes to our third-favorite stripper and his lover. (And yes, they’re lovers. I don’t know why we’ve all been collectively pussy footing around it. It’s almost like you’re afraid people are going to get mad if you say it out loud, and it’s only okay if we imply it. Get over it. Corcunda and Dong used to fuck like the gayest gays who ever gayed. You wouldn’t believe their chemistry on stage.)

It’s perfectly normal as long as you don’t think too hard about what needs to happen for a man and a half mantaur in a body containment suit to actually do the deed. Stuff...spills if they’re not careful.

Corcunda, a long time ago, and before he became close with Dong, was hit with a spell called Split Personality. Both halves were, thankfully, put into gimp suits in time. So both halves live.

Both halves have the same memories up until the time of the split. You’d think that would result to two very similar personalities, but it’s kinda interesting how quickly people change once they’re split off. It’s a truly an interesting study on nature versus nurture.

ANYWAY. Corcunda exists in two halves. Before the split, the mantaur had a pair of dreams. He wanted to be a dancer, and he wanted to be a singer. One half remained at the club and continued to dance. That’s the half that became quite close to Dong.

The other half, called “Porky” by some of his friends, has a strong dislike for Dong and all the other strippers. He has moved on to a position where he can fulfill his other dream, to be a singer.

If you find a fleshmancer and combine the two, the newly-reformed Corcunda will no longer be a part of Lady Dominators. But which of the two personalities will remain?

That’s an interesting question even I want to know the answer to. It’s not like the entire fate of all biological life in the universe hinges on what happens or anything, so don’t worry about that. That’s just silly. It’s not even the same thing.

Anyway, reunite the two halves using a Fleshmancer, and Corcunda will be removed from his obligation to race for the Lady Dominators.

Bonus difficulty: If Dong Quixote dies before this quest is complete, it fails. That might be a problem considering his current ailment.

Here’s the reward again in case you forgot: If you successfully complete this quest, two NPCs of your party’s choosing will be automatically sent to the parade on the 11th floor along with a pair of stand-ins of your collective choosing.

The stand-ins can be anyone within my sphere of influence.

When was the last time you looked at a map?

Before my brain could even dissect that message, Donut turned to Splash Zone.

“You said the other half of Corcunda is in a guild somewhere. Do you remember where?”

“Uh,” Splash Zone said as we carried Dong back into our own garage. The otter gave me a sidelong glance before he answered Donut. “He works a singing guild. There’s a couple different kinds. It’s not the bard magic one, which is for a bunch of different spells. It’s a performance based one.”

Donut gasped. “Do you know where it is?”

The otter shrugged. “I know it ain’t ever in the Desperado club. It’ll be hidden somewhere, but it’s not there. Probably not in Club Vanquisher, either, since they have a stick up their asses about everything.”    

We gently set the groaning Dong on the floor. But it seemed whatever they’d cast on him was already dissipating. Imani said she was on her way to check him out, as her Triage spell was at level 12. She could enter our garage through our saferoom.

“Do you think he hates me?” Dong asked again as Bucket Boy handed him a cup of something.

“What happened?” Donut asked. “How did you two get separated?”

“It started several seasons back,” Splash Zone said. “There was a fight in the Desperado Club between two crawlers, and it spilled into the Penis Parade. One cast a spell that ended up hitting Corcunda while he was on stage. Luckily, the Pony Boy guild was attached to the club that year and we got them both in gimp suits. For a while, both Corky and Porky worked the club, but when Corky started getting close to Dong, Porky got mad and left. So it was just Corky and Dong for a while. But then one day Corky said he wanted to go find his other half and left, and we hadn’t seen him since.”

Dong already was clearly feeling better. He was now sitting on his giant, stinking nickel sock, muttering something about IRAs.  

I was still reeling over the whole “It’s not like the entire fate of all biological life in the universe hinges on what happens or anything” line from the AI description.  

“Dong, darling, I’m sure Corcunda doesn’t hate you. The women who have him are clearly keeping you two apart, and we will get to the bottom of it,” Donut said. “But we must do it quickly. It sounds like we have a way to get the two pieces back together. If we do that, then he won’t be a part of the Lady Dominator team, and then we can kill the ladies.”

Imani came into the garage. She paused at the sight of me. “Carl, what the hell are you wearing?”

I looked down at the costume, which reminded me that I really had to use the restroom.

“Don’t ask,” I said.

She just shook her head and patted me on the shoulder before kneeling down in front of Dong. Without another word, she took her wings and wrapped them around him. She nodded and stepped back.

“There’s nothing wrong with you now,” she said. “But I added some buffs that’ll help replenish your energy.”

“Good, good,” he said. “I feel much better. Thank you, Imani.” He turned his attention back to Donut. “I have been so selfish. I didn’t want him to go back to his other half. Porky didn’t like me, and I was afraid once the two pieces were reunited, the whole wouldn’t like me anymore, either. It’s why we fought. It’s why he left.” Dong paused. “He asked me to go with him. I didn’t. It is my greatest shame.”

Jamal clanked up. He’d been in the back of the garage, inspecting the repair of the truck while walking vertically along the wall of the garage with his mechanical legs. “Jamal thinks there is no shame in what you have done. It is no small thing, leaving everything you know. Jamal left the water, and after a great battle, Jamal died. But what a final battle it was! It is how I became a tattoo. It was only through the benevolence of Miss Signet does Jamal still live on, even if I am but a memory of who Jamal once was.”

“Thank you for your kind words, Jamal,” Dong said.

Imani was still staring at Dong. She had a puzzled look on her face.

Carl: What’s up?

Imani: When he was outside, did he have that sock with him?

Donut: OH, NO.  

Carl: No. He left it here in the garage.

Imani: I don’t think the other team cast anything on him. I think it’s the sock. He’s getting actively healed by its proximity, but his health isn’t actually going up, which implies it’s sustaining him. Rosetta and Mordecai were worried about that thing. Neither have good things to say about sapient weapons. But if he’s addicted to it, I don’t know what to do about it yet.

Donut: I KNEW THAT DISGUSTING THING WAS BAD NEWS. IT GETS BIGGER EVERY DAY, TOO. IT SMELLS WORSE THAN CARL’S COSTUME. DO YOU THINK HE’LL DIE IF WE TAKE IT AWAY?

Imani: I have no idea, but we probably shouldn’t tell him yet until we have a plan. We don’t want the sock to panic. Also, I have a theory I need to investigate further because I think you might be right about Britney. And maybe Florin, too. I’ve been keeping a careful eye on both.    

“Imani!” Bigs shouted as she returned to the garage. “Whoop, whoop bitch!” The slug was followed by Samantha, Mongo, and Rend. All of them except for Samantha were stumbling. All had the Inebriated debuff over them. Samantha was chatting about her “ex-boyfriend Charles” who’d been the best bartender she’d ever met.

“Mongo!” Donut shouted. “I told you not to drink! You’re going to turn into an alcoholic!”

Mongo screeched and waved both of his wings joyfully.

Rend giggled and turned back toward the food truck, which continued to swarm with gremlins.

Carl: I agree. Let’s keep an eye on him and make sure he’s safe. We still can’t let him go on races. And we gotta find both a fleshmancer and that guy’s other half. I need to talk to Chiyome and the bugbears and convince them that we should focus on another team this next heat. But this is now a priority.

Donut: A PRIORITY? SO NOW YOU WANT TO DO THE DONG QUEST?

I had another window open. The illegal implant I’d gotten from Paulie at the homeless shelter had stopped working when I’d disconnected the containment. But the map of the solar system had still worked. I hadn’t thought to look at it in a while. I looked now.

That map wasn’t of just the solar system anymore. I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing. It...it looked like noodles. Not a huge pile, not quite as chaotic as the map of the Iron Tangle, but it was a lot.

Holy shit. Holy shit

I re-read that last part of the reward for this quest.  

The stand-ins can be anyone within my sphere of influence.

Carl: Yes, it’s a priority now. After surviving the next race, it’s priority number one.

“Speaking of surviving the next race,” Imani said out loud as she inspected our truck. “Did you guys get notice that there will be ‘waves’ of mobs? What defenses do you guys have? Also, why does that gremlin keep flipping you off?”

Hedy popped her head out the driver’s door. “New chair is installed!”

Chapter 24

We ended up sending Rosetta and Tipid into Hungry Eyes to grab a mercenary—if any were left—while Donut and I returned to the saferoom to quickly open our boxes. My blood bar had refilled with the death of the kangaroo, but Donut’s had barely budged up, and we needed to make sure it didn’t run too low. So we planned on eating, resetting our buffs, stepping over the rest table, showering, and opening our boxes before we moved back to the garage.

I kept thinking about the AI’s message regarding the Dong quest. I sent messages out to look for the Stage Performance guild. And a fleshmancer.

I also started to compose a message to Florin regarding sapient weapons, but I stopped myself. It still wasn’t clear if his shotgun was sapient. He never said anything about it. I worried that it might work like the cookbook. If someone mentioned it, it would go away. And if Florin lost his shotgun, it would be like killing him. We needed to brainstorm a plan.

I ended up telling Florin not about the Dong issue, but about what had happened with Akuma. He said he’d try to scope out the “C&W&U” store and get more intel, but it wouldn’t open until the next race. That didn’t mean it couldn’t get broken into. Or maybe it did. I wasn’t sure. I just knew I wasn’t going to be breaking into anything while I stuck in this goddamned kangaroo costume.  

We only had a few hours. We didn’t have time for any of this.

The safe room was completely spotless now that the cleaner bot had finished sorting through all the crap I’d received from my fan box. He’d sucked up most everything, but there was a small pile of items of interest that we had in the corner. One was a broken communication device, there were multiple items of makeup that Samantha had already routed through, a few random odds and ends, and there was a pile of papers that looked like legal documents. Some were scorched and in a language I didn’t understand. Tipid had been in the process of sorting through them when we’d sent him and Rosetta into town.

The other cleaner bot was now active and working in the main guildhall, but I hadn’t gone out there to check it out yet. Apparently it had the same grumpy attitude as our unit.

Doctor Bones, Splash Zone, a group of sluggalos, Gluteus Max, Samantha, and a few others circled around the view screen. They were taking turns playing the Wii version of Mario Kart, all screeching, laughing their heads off as they had four players on at once. Bucket Boy sat on the couch with Dong, watching the tv with an unreadable look on his face. Bigs was in the corner vomiting while the cleaner bot shrilled at her. Mongo and Rend remained in the garage, guarding. We also left Jamal out there as an extra guard until the two pets sobered up.  

Samantha was controlling one of the cars. She was playing Princess Peach on a pink motorcycle. She had the controller in her mouth and was hovering just a foot off the ground, spinning back and forth. She was literally pressing buttons with her tongue from what I could see. She made muffled zooming noises as she played.  

She was also dominating. It wasn’t even close. Apparently Tipid and one of the larger sluggalos were the only ones who could come close to beating her. But I just sat there and watched for a few minutes. Right now it was Samantha versus Doctor Bones, Splash Zone, and a pair of smaller level-10 slugs who worked in tandem with a classic controller. They were playing Wario and cursing up a storm as they kept running off the road and hitting the wall.    

Some of the other mercenaries who had elected to stay after Faction Wars, but were currently residing with other teams, were also slated to come and practice their skills with the games. We had another game system hooked up in the main guild hall. Bodi, the quiet, deadly colonel who’d dominated Land War, was currently with Louis in Katia’s former saferoom. He was supposedly taking very well to the game Forza on the X-box.  

Mordecai was still glued to his alchemy table, but now we set him on an emergency task. Because we still didn’t have any built-in defenses for the truck, we were going to need a lot of help keeping ourselves safe.

It wasn’t clear yet if the mobs were going to be coming at the sides, if we’d be plowing through them—like when we had Katia strapped to the front of the train—or if they’d be coming from behind. Nor was it clear what sort of mobs they would be, either. So we had to assume the worst.  

This next race was going to go quick. We had to be ready for anything.

“It’s absolutely appalling,” Donut was saying as I tried to grab something out of my broken food box. She was talking about the lack of good prizes in her loot boxes.

“You’re already pretty strong,” I said, trying not to choke. I still had to eat something at least once a day to keep the buffs, but the systems were completely broken. Every time we received an “optional” food box upgrade, it wasn’t really optional. Everything that came out of the boxes now was liquified, fish-smelling, and burned to a crisp. To make matters worse, I wouldn’t be able to reset my foot buff in the kangaroo suit, so it would expire. Nor could I brush my hair as the hood was firmly attached to my head.

I could, however, pee. I didn’t even look. I just hopped into the bathroom, pulled down the boxers, and prayed I wasn’t wetting myself. It worked.

I didn’t want it to work because that came with a ton of really uncomfortable implications. But it did.

Or, at least, it worked once I hit level five in my new “fursona” skill.

With each new skill level, the sensation that the suit was my actual body increased, which was terrifying.

Even now as I ate and watched Donut hiss her way through her loot boxes, it kept increasing on its own.

Your Fursona skill is now level 8!

Yiffing is unlocked!

I didn’t know what “yiffing” was, and I didn’t want to know.  

I still had to hop everywhere, but I now had much better dexterity with my claws.

We’d replaced the broken kitchen table with a bar counter that Elle had in her inventory. We sat at it now as Donut powered through her boxes. She’d received multiple achievements and prizes, including a “Last Place” achievement she was grumbling about, but it wasn’t anything too exciting. Most of the scrolls we received were more of the Emergency Gremlin ones.

For the platinum boss box she received four scrolls, which was unusual. Each was a scroll called Enfant Terrible.

It was a strange spell.

“Carl, it says because my Charisma is so high, if I read this scroll, the effects are permanent! My goodness. What a strange little spell. Why did I receive scrolls and not a spellbook?”  

I grabbed one, spilling a little soup on it in the process.

Enfant Terrible

This is a charm scroll.

This may only be cast on NPCs or fellow crawlers. This will not work on red-tagged mobs.   

Enfant Terrible causes a target to “forget” one of their ten most advanced skills for a specific amount of time. The forgotten skill will be randomly chosen.

Time of effect depends on multiple factors, but this is considered a charm debuff.

This spell will only be successful if caster’s charisma plus intelligence is equal to or higher than the constitution plus intelligence of target.       

Imani remained in here with us. She said she couldn’t handle another minute of Elle’s fan group guy Linus hanging around their garage and wanted to stay here with us for just a little longer. But, like usual whenever Imani was here, multiple sluggalos had come out to say hello. She was studiously ignoring them while she examined the Enfant Terrible scroll.

“One of my top-ten skills is breathing,” she said, turning the scroll over in her hand. “If your breathing skill is lowered to one, you’ll probably drop unconscious and not wake up.”

“I think they might be a little overpowered,” I said. “They didn’t want you to turn it into a regular spell.”

“Overpowered?” Donut asked. “I think your top skill is pooping since you do it so much. If you went down to a level one...” she paused. “You know what, I think you might be right.” She turned to Imani. “Wait, what skill level is your breathing at? Mine is only five. I have dozens that are higher than that!”

“That’s because you’re a Persian cat,” I said as I tried to shovel down the last bite of my scorched fish and sausage soup. “You snore like an outboard motor.”

“Why do you keep saying that? I absolutely do not snore, Carl. That is slander. And what does being a Persian have to do with anything?”

“Have you ever seen the skull of a Persian? There’s a reason why there were protestors sometimes at those cat shows. Some people don’t think it’s ethical to breed Persian cats.”

“Well I don’t think it’s ethical for people who wear socks with sandals to breed, either, but you don’t see me calling for genocide. You don’t see me protesting outside of vegan yoga studios or wherever else they gather. I mean, really.”

“You literally talk about eradicating random dog and cat breeds all the time. Just yesterday you were saying something about force-neutering all ragamuffins or whatever they’re called.”

“It’s for their own good, Carl. I’d be protecting them from themselves. It’s hardly the same thing.”

“Is this how you two always talk to each other?” Imani asked.     

“Victorious again!” Samantha announced, spitting the Wii controller out. She turned to the two level-10 slugs. “We had a deal. I now own you both as slaves, and you must do my bidding for all of eternity.”

“Yo, that wasn’t the bet,” one of the sluggalos said.

“Yeah,” said the other. “You said the loser has to pay the winner a sick compliment.”

“Oh, yes, yes, that is correct,” Samantha said. “Well?”

“Uh,” the first said. “You’re not as psychotic as I first thought you were.”

“Yeah, you smell good, too. If you was a strawberry, I’d nibble you right up,” the second said.

Samantha made a little grunt. “There’s a difference between complimenting and shameless flirting, but I suppose it will do.” She turned to Splash Zone. “And you?”

“I didn’t make a bet,” he said, crossing his arms.

“Nor did I,” said Doctor Bones.

“Well, I didn’t promise not to kill your mothers, either, then,” Samantha said.

“Samantha,” I warned. “No threatening.”

The sex doll head turned toward us, struggled to hover as high as the bar, made it, and settled on the surface. She growled at Imani and then rolled to a stop in front of me. “I have proven that I’m the best driver, so I want to race.”

“Absolutely not,” I said.

“What? Why not? Is it because I broke up with you?”

“Because if you wander off, and you always wander off, we can’t cross the finish line unless you’re in the truck or if you’re dead. And since you can’t die, that means we’ll end up dying.”       

She scoffed. “I won’t wander off. Probably not. Like a fifty-fifty chance.”

I patted her on the head. Behind me, a new race started with two more sluggalos and Gluteus Max playing. The fuzzy Gluteus was playing Luigi, and he was pretty good, too.  

“Yo, you gonna give it a go?” one of the sluggalos asked Imani. He’d climbed up the side of her leg and had made it all the way to her waist. This one had a bunch of little daggers sticking out of his eye stalks.  

“No,” she said, flicking the slug off. “I played enough against my brothers back home. I don’t need to play that anymore.”

“Brothers?” Donut asked. “How many do you have?”

We all cringed a little at Donut’s use of the present tense. I remembered that moment when I was briefly connected with Imani’s mind. I remembered how invasive it’d felt that I could see her thoughts. But I also remembered that deep sadness she had when it came to her own family. I opened my mouth to change the subject, but Imani answered before I could.  

“Good question,” she said to Donut. “But full siblings. I had three. I was the youngest and only girl.”

“I have multiple older brothers, too,” Donut said. “All were scattered all over the place. The Queen Anne Cattery sure loved selling off the boys to other families. Miss Beatrice’s mother always said boys were meant to be used as a means to an end and never as the end, whatever that means. I had this one brother, named Charleston Chew, who got sent all the way to Australia, and the people who bought him used a private jet to...”  

“Carl,” Imani said, interrupting. “You should open your boxes. We don’t want Donut’s blood bar to drain too much. You know what. I think I will play a round or two before I go back. Guys, move aside. We gotta unlock Funky Kong if you want to beat Samantha.” She moved to the group while the sluggalos started chanting her name.

Donut: DID I SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE IMANI MAD AT ME? I DIDN’T MEAN TO.

I reached over and gave Donut a pat.

Carl: No, it’s okay. I don’t think she likes talking about her family. That’s all.

Donut: I WONDER WHY.

Carl: Sometimes we don’t need to know someone’s full life story to understand them. With her, I think it’s something she’d rather leave buried. I don’t think she wants to be defined by her past.

 I turned my attention to my achievements and boxes. I was a little hesitant to open this batch because of the whole kangaroo incident, but Imani was right. We didn’t have much time. As expected. I received a few disturbing ones, including three in a row that were especially unhinged.

New Achievement! Weaseler!

You’ve donned the corpse of an enemy in an attempt to fool another creature! And then you ENTERED that creature.

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. It’s like transitory vore. This is fucking delicious.

Don’t get me wrong. The main show is on pause because of that suit you’re wearing, and I’m not a fan of that. But it’s okay to order the hamburger every now and then at the Chinese place.

Reward: Temporary classes while wearing corpse suits has been unlocked! You will now receive benefits and buffs associated with the suit you are wearing. These skills will go away once the suit is removed.  

Current temporary class: Fursuiter.

This next one, I assumed, was for going into the pouch. The AI didn’t actually say anything other than the name of the achievement, the “reward” and a few random words. I sighed.     

New Achievement! Slip-n-slide.

Uhhhhh. Warm. So warm. So tight. Uhhhhh.

Reward: Why yes. That was rewarding, wasn’t it?  

The AI’s voice in my head glitched out a few times while giving that one as well, which was doubly concerning. It was doing that more and more lately.

New Achievement! Brotein!   

You gently caressed the nipple of a male boss in the middle of a boss battle.

All right, dude. You need to calm down. Boss battles are serious business.  

Reward: Uh... I’m not so sure we should be rewarding this sort of deviancy. We all have our limitations, and I think you need to learn your own.

“That is not what happened!” I exclaimed out loud. “I barely touched it. With my hand, in this damn kangaroo suit!”

“Carl, what are you yelling at?” Donut asked.

Everyone paused to look at me. Nobody else heard the achievement other than myself, so I knew I had to look absolutely insane.

New Achievement! ‘76 Buccaneers!

So...you’re not dead. But you came in last place in your heat.

You’re not doing so great at this racing thing. You do remember this is a death game, right? Maybe you should’ve taken a deal when you could. Is it too late to consider a career change?

Reward: You’ve received a job application for a Big Shot Chicken location in Tucson, Arizona!

The reward was literally a non-magical, bent and half-shredded, stained job application for the same fast food restaurant we had the food truck for. At least I still had the Platinum boss box.

That ended up being an upgrade potion.

Skill Potion. Platinum Hotlist Expansion.

Drinking this potion will expand your 20 space hotlist into 25 spaces.

It also unlocks the Contingency skill, which allows multiple actions and reactions for items in the hotlist based on a pre-determined set of circumstances.

I sent the description to Mordecai, and then I drank the potion manually. I still had the tang of burnt sausage and fish in my mouth, and I could barely taste it. Behind us, the crowd cheered as Imani won a race. Samantha remained on the table, grumbling.   

A new tab is available in your interface. Hotlist contingencies.

“Huh,” I said, moving to the new tab. I already had something similar with my Heart Balance skill, which allowed me to set a potion to get automatically used when my health reached a certain level. This was the same thing, but much, much better and more programmable. I was pretty sure this was what Lucia Mar already had. Digging deeper, it appeared I could add up to ten automations, but those automations could utilize multiple items in my hotlist at the same time. I would need to spend some time playing with this.

The door to the garage opened, and Mongo stumbled in, screeching. He was clearly still hammered.

“Mongo, no!” Donut called. “You’re supposed to be guarding Hedy!”  

“No, Mr. Mongo,” Jamal called from behind at the same time. “You need to remain in the garage. We have been tasked with...” He grunted as he was pushed aside by Rend, who also entered the room, giggling.  

And that’s when Mordecai entered the room, holding an armful of empty potion balls. “Carl, I need you to go to your bomber’s studio and...”

The reaper paused, dropped all the potion balls, which scattered across the floor, and rose up in the air an extra few feet. He turned toward Rend and said, his voice changing deep and ominous, “And now you perish once again. The next time will herald the beginning of the end.”

Rend dropped dead right there in the saferoom.

Your pet has died!~~~~~~~~~~~Thank you again, everyone.