A Heart 2 Heart (Her Idol Part 7) (Patreon)

Her Idol Part 7

Feeling like I’m alone, surrounded by a sea of faces, I just stare down at the floor. My jerk of a father didn’t recognize me at all. I know I look very different, but I’m still me, and yet, my own father looked at me as if I were just another annoying stranger on the street.

“Jacky.” I look down at her as we remain in the coffee line, holding everyone up. “I umm. Can we take a rain check on this for now?” I once again look around for my mother, but she’s not here. “I-I…I was shopping with my mother, and I really should find her.”

“Oh...” Jacky ruffles her hair and sorta frowns. “Y-Yeah, that’s cool.” She looks up at me, disappointed at first, but quickly smiles. “Can we talk about HRT in our next meeting? See, my mom restricts the internet at home, so I can’t really do much research on it.”

“S-Sure.” I force a smile back before turning towards the door to leave. “I need to leave this store. I feel like I’m suffocating in here.”

Agreeing with me, Jacky rushes ahead to open the café door for me. We both step outside, and I instantly lean on the shop front, catching my breath. My heart’s still racing from seeing my father just now.

“Did your father hurt you?” Jacky asks curiously, standing in front of me as I slow my breathing with techniques I’ve learnt meant to help the kids I counsel.

I shake my head as I talk. “Not physically,” I reply. “Just more emotional damage.”

“Emotional damage…” Jacky parrots, strangely putting on an odd voice as she does, like she’s mimicking something she’s seen. As I stand up straight and let out a long breath, she looks up at me once more with a curious look in her eye.

“So, back then, with your father. Is that the first time you’ve seen him in a while? Is that why he didn’t recognize you?”

“It is, yeah,” I answer. “I guess he still thinks of me as his son, Jacky. So, now I’m a woman, he doesn’t see me anymore.” I lower my head and cover my face. “Jacky, I think he still holds power over me. Annoyingly, I still want that stupid man’s approval.”

“Oh.” Jacky looks at me worried. “I get it. It’s like with my mom. I want her to see me as her daughter, but she’s resistant to it for some reason.” She softly smiles. “I get it, I really do. Even though you’re a beautiful woman, Miss, being accepted by the people we love is just as important to the process. Like feeling accepted.”

I lower my hands and give Jacky a wry smile. “Stupid, isn’t it, but yeah, I guess that’s how I feel. He wasn’t too pleased when I first came out to him as female. Deep down, I suppose, I want to show him up and prove to him that I am his daughter, whether he likes it or not.”

“I get it, Miss,” Jacky comforts me with a hand on my shoulder. A real pro move for someone so young. “That’s why I got so angry in our first meeting. I just want my mom to see who I really am and stop holding onto hope that it’s just a phase.” Jacky looks me in the eyes, and I see her starting to cry. “It’s not phase, is it, Miss? It doesn’t ever go away or get easier, does it, Miss?” She looks away, but I continue watching her. “We have to upset those around us to live as our authentic selves, right, but that guilt of knowing we’re doing that for our own gain makes us feel at fault, doesn’t it, Miss? B-But, this is what makes us strong women, isn’t it, Miss? I-I…I look at you, and you’re everything I hope to be in the future. Great relationship with my mom. Getting married and doing a job that helps people like us.”

“J-Jacky?” A tear runs down my cheek. “You really see me like that?” I point at the café. “Even when I almost broke down in there just now?”

“Yup.” Jacky nods, wiping away her own tears. “S-Seeing that just now reenforces how I feel about myself, Miss. I’m right, aren’t I? It doesn’t get easier, does it, but to even give ourselves a chance at happiness, we have to break through those barriers and potentially upset those around us.” Jacky’s voice cracks. “I just wish my mom would see how hard it is for me. I love her, and I hate that my selfishness is making her stressed, but I gotta do this. I gotta do this for me!”

I wipe both my eyes with one hand. “Y-You should tell your mother that.”

Jacky looks up, also wiping her eyes. “Miss?”

“You should tell your mom what you just told me.”

“I should? W-Won’t that upset her?”

“Maybe,” I reply with a soft smile. “It might hurt. I might be awkward, but the truth isn’t it, Jacky? She loves you; that much is obvious. I’m sure if you’re honest, truthful, and speak from your heart just like that, she’ll eventually come around and accept it. Time is the great healer, as they say.”

“M-Miss?” Jacky looks up at me, a mix of excitement and surprise. “S-Seriously. You think I should tell her how she’s making me feel!?”

I nod once. “Yeah, I do, and thank you, Jacky.”

She tilts her head to one side, confused. “Thank you? For what?”

I take a deep breath, and suddenly, things feel clearer in my mind. “You’ve helped me understand something.” I smile at her brightly. “But, let me tell you. It’s a long and hard process, but one day you’ll wake up and just go about your normal routine. Then it’ll strike you, maybe when putting on a bra or doing your makeup, you’ll realize how far you’ve come and how proud of yourself you really are.”

I reach across to her and place my hand on her shoulder, like she did to me a moment ago. “It doesn’t get easier, no, but living your truth makes it easier to love yourself and who you really are on the inside.”

“Yeah?” Jacky’s eyes are full of hope.

“Uh-huh.”

“Thanks, Miss.”

“Paulene,” I correct her, looking around the Mall. “We’re not at school, Jacky.”

“Sorry,” Jacky says with a toothy grin. “I really wish my friend Sonya would come talk to you. She really needs someone like you in her life right now.” Jacky’s smiles fade into worry. “I-I…I can see how depressed and quiet she’s becoming. It’s almost like she regrets coming out as trans and wishes it had never happened.”

“Oh, that’s sad.”

“Her entire personality has changed.” Jacky bites her bottom lip. “She’s really snappy with me for some reason. To the point, I wonder if I’ve upset her.”

“Why do you think that?”

Jacky scratches the back of her head. “I don’t know for sure what happened. I wasn’t there. But from what I do know, her family reacted very badly to her presenting as Sonya. I mean, I know how awkward it’s been with my mom kinda treating it like it’s a phase, but outright rejection, Paulene, that must be so traumatic.”

My eyes widen as my thoughts flicker to that moment years ago with my father.

“Yeah, it is very traumatic.” I shake off my own memories to remain present in the moment. “Jacky, can you tell me what Sonya’s boy's name is, please?”

“Umm, yeah. It’s Nathan.”

“Thank you.” I look off in thought. It’s the same child I’ve had reports about, but nothing confirmed.

“Why do you ask?” Jacky asks, rubbing nervously at her arm. “Is she in trouble or something?”

“No…” I shake my head several times.

“Good!” Jacky smiles. “Cos she’s one of the friends who’s coming to the beach this weekend. See, I’m in a friendship group now, and I’m really excited about it. I’ve never had more than just one friend, Paulene, and this is all thanks to me coming out as my authentic self!”

Jacky’s eyes bulge with worry, and she snatches at her phone to check the time. Awkward, she stuffs it back into her pocket.

“Paulene,” she laughs anxiously, looking around our immediate area. “I was supposed to meet with my best friend like twenty minutes ago. I’m worried he’s going to get himself in trouble or worse, lost and have fallen into the trash bins to be taken away and never seen again!”

I laugh as I watch her get a little flustered with worry.

“Don’t feel like you have to hang around with me, Jacky. I still need to find my mother!”

“Thanks!” Jacky looks at me worried, but with a sarcastic smile. “My best friends called Andrew, and he’s such a dope. I love him, and he’s great, but he’s away with the fairies… all of the time! He’d be completely lost without me.”

“Indeed.” I smile and then quip. “Lost in the garbage.”

Jacky’s face lights up in that instant. “Oh, wait, look!” she points at a boy standing in the middle of the mall walkway, staring up at the art installation hanging above. “There he is!”

“Go on.” I smile wide, fixing my hair and my outfit as I stand up straight. “I’ll see you at our next meeting, Jacky.”

About to run off to greet her friend, Jacky stops, looks back over her shoulder, and smiles. “Yeah, I can’t wait! Oh, and…” Jacky points down the corridor to the large opening at the center of the shopping mall. “If I were looking for a lost mom, I’d go there and look. There’s a platform high up that looks across the entire Mall.” She shrugs and laughs. “Or I guess you could just call her.”

And with that, Jacky smiles, waves, and skips off, leaving me alone once again with my thoughts. That’s when I reach for my phone and open my messages to Oscar.

“Do you really think my father deserves a second chance?”  I type it out and send it.

A moment later, a reply. “No, I don’t.”

He keeps typing.

“It’s not about him, Babe. I only suggest it because I know how far you’ve come, and I thought it would be a chance for him to make up for all the bullshit and give you away, treating you like the daughter you've always been. Does he deserve that chance? No! Fuck No! But you deserve the world, baby, and if he doesn’t take this second chance, then we know never to involve him in the future.”

Tears dribble from my eyes, but Oscar keeps typing away

“If you really don’t want him at the wedding, then fuck that guy, Babe. I just want you to be happy, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted!”

A tear drops onto my phone screen.

“Thanks, baby.”

He sends a heart emoji back and then follows it with an eggplant, a winky face, and the word “Later?”

I smile at the screen and laugh as tears dribble from my chin.

“Love you.” I message back

“I love you more,” Oscar replies.