Her Idol Part 8 (It's an emotional one...) (Patreon)

Well, at least I teared up a little bit near the end.Anyways, we're probably 2 or 3 parts away now from the ending of this story. I hope you've been enjoying it!Her Idol Part 8

Having said goodbye to Jacky, I start walking toward the center of the shopping mall, as she suggested. Parts of our conversation play back in my mind, but what makes me blush is the fact that Jacky saw me in that skimpy outfit.

“So unprofessional…” I mutter under my breath as I reach into my bag to pull out my phone.

I ring my mother, hoping she’ll pick it up. However, as I come to a stop in the very center of the large, three-story opening, with a glass dome that lets sunlight cascade in, the phone rings and goes to voicemail.

Letting out a sigh, I look around, trying to see her. I must look like a lost little child to everyone around me. I’m almost tempted to shout out ‘mother’ at the top of my lungs, but a few odd looks from passers make me feel a little awkward.

It took me a while to feel comfortable again in public when I first started transitioning. Although I looked passable pretty quickly, it was my voice that made it harder. A catch twenty-two of sorts. As soon as I started to relax around people, my old voice would start to come out, making me self-conscious all over again.

Awkward really. Maybe I should share my voice coach with Jacky. That might be something to talk about at our next meeting.

I ring my Mom again. No answer.

“Why?” I grumble, stuffing my phone into my bag, before marching to the elevator that’s attached to the staircase leading up to the higher levels. I press the call button and fold my arms tight. “What’s got into that woman lately!”

The doors slide open, and I step inside. The elevator’s side is made of glass, and you can see the large opening as you go up. As I press the button for the third fall, hoping I can use the height vantage to scout out my mother, a large man steps in with me.

“Ma’am,” he nods and smiles, standing beside me as the doors close.

Instantly, I feel nervous. I have to think about putting on my girl voice, and because I’ve been thinking about it, it doesn’t feel natural now. Having left it too long, I just sorta mumble a response. Without looking at the man, I can tell he thinks I’m weird or at least, rude.

Thankfully, the elevator stops on the second floor, and as the door opens, the man begins to leave.

“Daddy!” a girl, no older than eight, throws up her hands in delight. She rushes over to the man and hugs him. “Look, look!” she spins on the spot, twirling the skirt of the cute dress she’s got on. “I’m a princess, Daddy! A princess!”

“Wow, sweetheart.” The man grabs his daughter, bringing her into his hands as she smiles at her. “So pretty! Did mommy just buy it for you!?”

I watch on. My head tilts with curiosity as I just stand there in the lift, alone.

“I’m happy you like it, daddy!” the girl exclaims, throwing her arms around the man, hugging his neck. “It’s so pretty! I feel so pretty!”

As the elevator doors close, the last thing I hear is the man and his daughter laughing with each other. Standing, staring at the metal doors that closed before me, a single tear rolls down my cheek.

“That’s cute,” I mutter to myself.

Memories of wishing my father were like that stop me from wiping the tear away, so I let it fall as I sigh and turn to the glass, looking out and down at the shopping mall below.

That’s when I see my Mom. She’s standing on a crosswalk, leaning on the railing, looking down at the floor below. Not sure what she’s doing, but as soon as the elevator doors open, I start rushing over to her.

“Mom,” I call out, watching her like she’s one of my students, about to bolt at the sight of me. “Where did you go!?”

As I approach, she wipes at her face, turns away for a minute, then looks back at me with a smile.

“Hi, sweety,” she greets me with an awkward smile. “S Sorry, I just…” Her smile fades as she exhales and leans back against the railing, her shoulders slumping. I do not need my degree to know something is bothering her.

I stand by her side, resting my arms on the railing, like she is, and look out over the large opening and all the people shopping below us.

“Are you okay, Mom?” I ask, speaking softly, like I’m talking to a student.

“I’m fine,” she answers and then nudges me with her shoulder. “Don’t use that tone on me, young lady. I’m not one of your students.”

I gently laugh. “Oh? So why did you run off then, huh? That’s something one of my students would have done.”

“I didn’t ‘run away’,” she quickly dismisses. “I just. Umm….”

I turn my head to look at her; she’s just staring off into the distance.

“Mom. Did I say something wrong?” I ask, worrying I’ve upset her.

“No, sweetheart.” She replies plainly, still staring.

“So what’s going on? You’re not answering my calls, and I don’t see you with coffees in your hands. Something’s clearly wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong.” Mom snaps a stern look in my direction before looking back off into the distance.

I haven’t seen that look on her face since I borrowed her expensive high heels and scuffed them all up. I wasn’t flavour of the month then, and it seems like I’m not now. But I’m not overly sure what I’ve done.

“A-Are you upset because of the wedding?” I ask, knowing we had a small falling out before.

“Paulene,” she snaps me another stern look. “I’m not upset with you, okay?”

I look away from her. I don’t know if I can take another firm look like that from her. She makes me feel like I’m sixteen all over again.

“But you are upset.” I eventually reply, watching the elevator slowly approach the ground floor below us.

Mom sighs and lowers her forehead to the railing. “I’m just being stupid,” she says, then lifts her head. “It’s nothing to worry yourself about, Paulene. I-I…I just don’t wanna make a big deal out of it.”

As I turn to look at her, she’s forcing a big smile. “Come on. Let’s go. I’m sure Oscar will be getting worried about you.”

I don’t smile back at her. “Mom, I-I can’t just ignore the fact that something’s clearly upsetting you. If you don’t tell me what’s bothering you, I’m going to worry about it all night!”

“It’s….” she sighs, tucking hair behind one ear. “It’s nothing, sweetheart. Just something that was said that made me a little upset.”

“Something I said?!”

“Sweetheart.” She stands straight and shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter,” she tells me firmly, like I really am just a stupid kid. “Let’s go home.”

“It matters to me!” I say as she passes by me.

“Mother,” I whine out, making her stop in the middle of the walkway. “Come on. Talk to me already. If I’ve upset you, I want to know why!”

“Stop.” She holds a finger in my direction.

“What did I say?” I step closer to her, ignoring the look on her face. “Please, talk to me. I feel like you’ve been angry with me ever since the idea of Dad being at the wedding was suggested.”

I feel myself getting upset. My voice cracks, and I look at my feet. “I know you hate him, Mom, and the man doesn’t even know who I am, but Oscar’s right.” I clench my fists. “If I don’t ask him, I’ll only regret it down the line, and I don’t want that man making me feel any sort of regret.”

 “Do you hate him?” Mom questions, making me bite my lip.

“I don’t know…” I brush tears from my eyes and look away. “I guess so, yeah.”

“Well…” she says sharply. “Then we have nothing else to talk about.”

I look at her, confused. “What? Does that mean you’re upset that I’ve even considered asking him to the wedding?”

“No.” Mom answers, her expression unchanged.

“So, what have I done to upset you!?” I whine out, frustrated and upset. “I love you, Mom. But you’ve gotta move on from dad. I…I…just don’t understand why you’ve never tried to meet someone new!?”

Mom’s stern expression cracks, and I see her fighting the tears.

“S-Somone new?” She asks.

“Yes!” I look her in the eyes. “You’re clearly lonely, Mom! That’s why me talking about Dad upset you so much! I just wanna know why you won’t move on from that jerk! Cos, my dad’s a complete fucking prick, Mom, and you could totally do better!”

I start crying right there in front of her. “I just saw that asshat in that café! He didn’t even recognize me and treated me…m-me like a complete stranger!”

Mom doesn’t say anything. I just stand in front of her, sobbing, and before long, she looks me in the eyes, wipes away her tears, and forces a smile.

“How could I bring another man into our lives, Paulene, when your father hurt you as much as he did?” Mom continues, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I-I…I couldn’t bring myself to date anyone, just in case they didn’t understand you and the journey you were starting. You’re my proudest achievement, sweetheart, and your happiness is my happiness.” She smiles widely, tears still misting her eyes. “Understand, sweety?”

“Mom…?”

“I told you it was nothing.” She takes her hand from my shoulder and begins to turn around

I grab her wrist to stop her. “H-How is that nothing?” I let her go as she stops and looks back at me. “You’ve sacrificed your happiness for me!? I DID NOT ask you to do that, Mom!”

“You didn’t need to ask.” She holds my gaze, her expression torn with sadness. “You didn’t have to watch your child get savagely torn down in front of your very eyes. Paulene, d-do you forget those nights you cried? Those anxious days when you wouldn’t come out of your room! What the hell was I supposed to do!? I’ve never felt so helpless! I-I’ve never felt so….so…..”

A tear drops from her chin, and she looks down, her jaw clenched.

“I-I…didn’t know what else to do, Paulene.” She wipes at her eyes. “I just wanted to take away your pain, but I couldn’t. I just knew I had to protect you.”

She looks up at me, her eyes red with tears. “I don’t wanna talk about it anymore, Paulene. I don’t regret my decisions. I did my best.” She smiles. “You’re a good kid. Just…be happy for the both of us, yeah?”

A complete wreck of emotions, I just stare at her, tears dribbling from my eyes, unsure what I should even say. Years of training, yet I’m blubbing like a schoolgirl in front of my Mom. It’s like we’ve both regressed ten years.

“Hey…” she says softly, taking my hand. “I love you, sweetheart. I mean it when I tell you I’m proud of you and who you decided to be.”

“T-Those who mind, d-don’t matter…” I reply, recalling something I once read during my training. “And those who m-matter don’t m-mind…”

I burst into tears, unable to hold it in, guilt tangled with Jacky’s words about making those around me unhappy when we try to be our true selves.

In that moment, Mom doesn’t hesitate. She grabs me and holds me tight. Tighter than she’s ever held me. I hold her back, crying into her shoulder as she strokes my hair.

“M-Mom…” I say, through the tears.

“Yeah, sweety?”

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“Everything.”

“Don’t ever be, sweetheart. I couldn’t be more delighted that you're my daughter.”

“S-Still I’m sor—”

“Paulene.” She grabs me tighter, interrupting by pressing her head against mine. “Don’t ever be sorry for who you are. I love you, and that’ll never change.”

She begins to softly laugh as she steps away from our embrace. “W-We should probably go fix our makeup, sweetheart, huh? Got a little emotional there, didn’t it?”

“Y-Yeah…” I wipe at my eyes.

“Come on. Let’s go straighten up, and then you can let Oscar know I’m coming around for dinner, yeah?”

“Okay, Mom. I’d like that.”