10/1/2018 Updates + Diary Entry (Patreon)

This shot is from a set that will be going live on Patreon this weekend for $10+ patrons. It is from my trip to Virginia a month or so ago when I played with Sonnie Marie Slagle - an incredible model and shining photographer. Her witchy appearance kills and could silence a room! Plus she has a cute dog - win win.

 But do not feel left out if you are pledging a little lower; this month I will be releasing a small, but sweet, instax set for ALL patrons as a late new years celebration. Let's keep the ball rollin'.

In other celebratory news, as you know I hit my 2nd goal last month and have yet to create another - I feel swamped lately. But closing the middle of the month (when I send out this month's goodies), I will begin looking at purchasing the reward and setting up our next little goal. Slowly but surely you all help me better my craft. The more I can produce, the more I can reach and dive into other avenues and show you the journey.

Now let's explore my brain a little bit.....

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I had promised a little something to you all a week or so ago mid-tour. As some of you recall, I met up with my brother for the first time in years; for those that want a little sneak peak into my personal life, this one is for you.

The first spot Madison and I were hitting in our trip was Louisville, Kentucky. I had never toured or spent much time there (I try to avoid Kentucky after some boring family visits as a kid). My older brother of 18 years saw my notice and asked if we could grab lunch before I headed to Indiana. Having not seen him in more days than I could count, I obliged.

Madison was with us, but she is quiet and finds my family amusing (ha, thanks Madi.) She attended lunch with us at a little Mexican joint about fifteen minutes out from Louisville. She mostly listened, sometimes added her own facts and we discussed some of her life stories, and sometimes she spent prolonged periods outside smoking her cigarettes so we could have a moment.

We drank beer and margaritas (well, my brother and I did. Madi is underage) and talked about the past and dreamed about the future possibilities while trying to ignore the present. We were kind of similar that way.

I do not think he would mind, but I wanted to share some heavy material here tonight.

I asked how our father was doing (I knew he spoke to him more than I did, for sure). His reply was more or less, "the same as always. Pack and a half a day." He meant beer. I do not ever remember my birth father being anything other than an alcoholic. Neither of us cared for him much which was well of our father's own doing.

We discussed some things in the past regarding our little messed up family that I will not say here at this time or place, but it was nostalgic. 

It was nostalgic in a way that made me uncomfortable. Nostalgia brings many joy, but there can also be underlying pain in it. There can be a world that is nostalgic but shakes you to the core. This was kind of it for me.

He had quit smoking (thank goodness), though he did give in to one of Madison's cigarettes. He told me he had been vaping (ha), but it helped and that made me feel good. I remember being with him as a kid and noticing he couldn't seem to go an hour without a puff.

We talked about mental illness, too. Not in a way such as, "well I am still depressed, are you still fucked up?" But in a way that echoed the past and somehow still clarifying that it never quite left. I want to go more into detail here as well but I cannot quite yet gauge how freely I want to speak on patreon. Maybe time will tell.

We both have hurt ourselves on purpose. This I can say. Though I do think we are both actively trying to improve our own existence as well as our own persons, neither of us will ever quite shake what we always seem to feel.

He did not need to say it. If we are anything alike, which I think we are, I know this could be said for us both.

We ended the conversation much lighter, talking about how hot Taylor Momsen and Lizzy Hale are. We talked about our dreams in music (apparently my brother played in high school with Chris Stapleton - - who knew?). I hope one of us gets there (I hope it is me, because I am selfish). 

I love my brother, and I missed him more than I realized.

Thanks for listening. It was concise, but it was real.

Lilith xx