HS3 - Commentary and Editing Notes (Patreon)

So the book is out and I hope people are digging into it and enjoying it, whether you read the early chapters or not. If you did, I hope you enjoy the changes and the chapters you didn’t see. It was nice to actually write a proper climax in a book for once (ha!).

This post will include broad commentary on Heretic Spellblade 3, including many of the editing decisions I made (and didn’t make). As such, it is loaded with massive spoilers. This is also a fairly long post.

Do not read this until you have read this post until you have read the book! I spoil everything here.

I’m trying to keep this at a level that is more interesting for people to read, rather than delving into nitty-gritty writer stuff. I don’t know whether I’ll keep this up in the future, or what format post-release commentary will take. I enjoy talking about the writing process (it's cathartic), but you might not be interested or it might end up being used in bad faith (that afterword I wrote in Demon's Throne certainly got some use).

Like everything else so far in the Patreon, this is experimental. Feedback is important.

Getting the Book Done

I’ve mentioned multiple times how much difficult I had writing this book. I bit off more than I could chew with this one, and while I feel the result is good, there are a lot of areas for improvement.

The problem was that improving the book either required writing another 30k-40k words, or starting over. I fucked up at the outline stage, and while I salvaged a lot of it, there are core plot elements that couldn’t be changed.

The solution to this is simply to git gud, outline better (and test my outlines), and write and edit in shorter timeframes. Involving beta readers and Patreon earlier should also help.

All up, this needs to be the last book that is written using my current method. The fact is that I’m exhausted from it and while the result is a quality book, the harsh reality is that I need to release faster and the way I’m currently doing things slows me down a lot. The genre doesn't support slow releases.

Demon’s Throne 2 will be done differently, and hopefully come out faster.

Act 3 Commentary

Before I go any further, I want to talk about Act 3 of the book. This includes Chapter 30 onward.

Act 3 was a ton of fun to write, even if it was a pain to finalize. There are fun twists, a huge turning point in Nathan’s character arc, some silly humor, lore drops, plenty of action, and a scene I really like and will refer back to in the future.

The early scenes break up the tension from the Spires and the confrontation with Tharban. Lots of lore and some empire building. I also decided to give Sunstorm a slow burn character arc, even though I had originally decided to leave her as a tertiary Champion who hung around Sen. Fei’s scene is an intentional call back to the same point in Book 2, but to show that while she’s now in a superior position and respected, she still has issues with what she knows.

In general, I’ll be using these sorts of alternate worries and regrets for character arcs and growth. For some strange reason, lots of people (including authors) keep expressing an opinion that character growth can only happen through growing strong, such as overcoming confidence issues and the like. There are way more character arcs possible that show real progression or dealing with real problems.

The scene where Nathan takes control over the Twins is one I really like. It’s a rare case where I don’t feel that I need to explain what’s going on, because the whole point is that you experience it exactly as Nathan does. I also enjoy writing the Twins more than I expected to. Looking at my track record, I think I like writing insane, energetic characters who are also lewd.

I’ll talk about Thanatos later. The propane trap, as well as the general scale of the battle, was something I wanted to capture. I don’t personally write straight isekai for a lot of reasons (I should, but I’m allergic to money), but I do read a lot it. The guilty pleasure of being able to include a scene where the main character uses a modern weapon against demons was too great to resist.

As for the Spires coup and the Fyre part, I will say that it felt bit like I was extending the climax. “Oh, the Messenger is dead. Wait, there’s a coup. Wait, what happened to Fyre?” And then the book just ends, because I didn’t want the denouement to go on too long with the civil war taking place and the elongated climax.

Initial Feedback and Changes

I’ll keep this fairly brief, as it’s mostly based on Patreon and beta reader input, rather than reception “in the wild.”

As a writer, when I ask for reader feedback, I’m looking for two things generally: people to bring up or confirm a suspicion I have; or for multiple readers to state the same problem.

If I receive feedback from one person that is contradicted elsewhere, or solitary feedback, it can be difficult to use it.

For example, I include a wide variety of character archetypes in my books. This includes ones that I know annoy some people, even though many of these are often left out due to vocal community reactions. I appreciate hearing why people dislike certain characters, as I can use this to mitigate reactions.

But if I satisfy the people who dislike those characters, I’ll dissatisfy those who like them. The easy solution is to stick to gentler and more popular tropes. Everybody loves Fei. Therefore, shouldn’t every character be like Fei?

God no, but that’s an easy path to tumble down if I’m not willing to accept that people will dislike parts of my books. If the cast are made up entirely of inoffensive tropes and traits, then chances are they're probably flat as fuck. For some books, that's fine, as some readers actively want the characters to be a trope with a different appearance, but I'm trying not to write that.

In summary, HS3’s feedback could be summed up as “Everybody liked it, but everyone liked and disliked different parts.” Many of these contradicted each other. I found myself stuck on the issue of pacing. A few points were raised that I tried to action, or at least will keep in mind for HS4 if they were too much work to fix.

The book definitely improved based on the feedback, although I found myself stuck on how to use some of it due to the structural issues I’ll talk about shortly.

The new first chapter was an attempt to slide people back into the series after nearly six months, and address how jarring it felt to some. The Sunstorm chapter tried to fix part of the Fyre stuff, without messing up the Spires climax pacing. I added an infodump on magic in an attempt to better cover the magic system, although I don’t think I’ll ever satisfy people who want a hard magic system (because my magic inspiration is TYPE MOON, which is the definition of crazy bullshit magic that is difficult to understand and I love it).

I'm happy with the state of the final book. I do feel that it could be improved, but not with the amount of time it would have required.

Structure and Pacing

The big problem.

When I initially plotted Heretic Spellblade, it was going to be 4 books long, with flex room for 2 more books. Book 3 could be a slower-paced book focused on the Spires and dark elves, and I’d split out the final book if sales remained good. Since then, I’ve committed to just doing 6 books and leaving the door open to a sequel series in the future, or whatever I end up doing. This change happened after HS2 came out.

That meant altering the overarching plot. I decided to write HS3 and HS4 as a two-part arc about the civil war in the Empire, instead of just doing it in one book. On top of that, I’d start building the foundations for later story elements that would take the focus in the final two books. Oh, and I’d still do the Spires stuff, because dark elves are hot.

Yeah, you can probably see the problems here already. I figured I could squeeze a lot in by having Nathan move around a lot, but that caused other problems I’ll discuss later.

The original outline had three trips to the Spires before the climax, plus three total trips to Aleich. Not to mention a very complicated plot. I was trying to combine two books into one, and it simply didn't work. The final version simplified the parts as necessary, so that they slotted together as best as possible.

The problem is length. A story with as many moving parts and characters as Heretic Spellblade has needs to be longer to handle a plot this complicated, while still giving time to everyone. Sure, lots of other books in the genre skip over a ton of details in order to rush conclusions and keep the pacing fast and loose, but I’m not those authors and I’m not writing those books. I even brought Sunstorm back in from the cold, after apologizing to people who liked her because I probably wouldn’t use her.

My personal opinion is that I probably could have improved the book with another 10 chapters or so. The visit to Aleich needed some more action and character development, rather than relying on political intrigue. I could have built over the Spires better and included some more action, and fleshed out the empire building sections to be less jarring.

In practice, a longer book isn’t really viable right now given my release pace needs to increase, not decrease. I also didn’t want to write a ton of words, only to find out that I was horribly wrong and end up ditching them (I did a lot of that as it was).

If I could do it all again, I probably would have reduced the focus on the civil war plot and moved a lot of that to Book 4. But here we are. I’ll need to think carefully about how I balance for character development, plot advancement, and all those sex scenes I owe people (there are a lot).

Character Development

I’ll be thinking carefully about how I tackle this in the next book. In Demon’s Throne, I progress character arcs through lots of dedicated scenes, because a lot of the book is about the slow corruption of the characters by Rys. But in Heretic Spellblade (and especially Book 3), I try to weave the character development into other scenes.

The downside here is that I don’t know if it works. Part of me feels that’s due to the genre norm for books to have dedicated scenes for character development. While I’m not a fan of dedicated slice of life scenes that don’t progress characters (at least outside of slice of life books), I’ll need to think carefully about whether I’ll just slap in a bunch of dedicated characters scenes in every book instead of trying to be fancy.

Villains

There are several, and they were all fun to write in their own way.

Tharban is the simplest. He presents as a dumb thug, but he’s intended to invoke Eastern European strongmen and militaristic leaders. Self-righteous, violent, passionate, and a massive raging asshole. At the same time, he exudes a serious midboss aura – his real backers (the archdukes) haven’t shown themselves, and Tharban is willing to martyr himself if it achieves his political aims. A political zealot.

He’s also super easy to write.

Thanatos is great fun. He’s a reference to shounen manga antagonists – hence why he’s Japanese, but uses the name of the Greek god of death and is a massive ham. I wanted him to try to tell Nathan his tragic backstory (which is completely fake), but it made the battle far too ridiculous. In the end, he’s defeated but not dead.

I’m unsure if his power came across in the fight, unfortunately. He’s pretty fucking broken. Short-range teleportation. Super strength. Huge wings. Powerful barriers. A sword with the ability to cut space itself. Near-immunity to spatial and mental magic. Flight. Fei’s magic-consuming flames. Can reopen closed portals. Can turn off ascended magic. If the book were a litrpg, he’d be that dude with the skill list that takes up the whole page and that everybody pretends that they read.

Finally, we have Sureev. The mystery villain. I’ll be curious how many people picked him as the cause, or feel that he’s a reasonable villain. The intention was for him to be a “the butler did it” villain. The only real hint about his motivations are in that elevator scene. Otherwise, the hints are in his omnipresence and the comments other characters make about him.

On the other hand, if you exclude the in-book hints, it’s hard for any other character to work. None of the other dark elves were established well enough. Torneus couldn’t break free. Falmir showing up would have massively complicated the plot (although it was considered, I dismissed it as doing it plus the Fyre reveal was way too fucking much). This contrasts with Book 1, where I actively tried to frame both Vera and Anna.

Gareth doesn’t really count as a villain, but he’s representing Falmir, so I guess? Anyway, I don’t think it works as well as I wanted it to, but his actual personality is much more negative and self-deprecating than how Nathan remembers him. Mentoring Nathan changed Gareth.

The biggest villains who didn’t turn up were the archdukes. They should have shown up, but who would have remembered them? They’d just be more names to remember on top of Tharban, who eats the damn scenery when he appears and is a very functional villain. I may even ditch the archdukes in favor of amping up Tharban, when I work on the Book 4 outline further.

Major Characters

Let’s start with the less controversial characters, imo. I’ll also avoid talking about the major Champions.

Ciana is young and lacks the trial by fire that forced her original version to become the hardened bodyguard we saw. Instead, she’s a clingy young girl scarred by the near death of her mentor, being cut off by Nathan, and the growing tensions of the nation she’s otherwise been sheltered from. She’ll toughen up, but that requires her to start off weak.

On a different note, I also owned my fuckup in Book 2 when I completely wrote her out of the book. While I had to soft retcon the Anna duchess thing, as it was too important to the plot to let slide and I don't want to rewrite a previous book, this was an easy one to work with.

The Twins took over Kadria’s role in this book, while Kadria did secret stuff. Sometimes there are characters whose personalities change a scene just because they are in them. Batman makes every scene moodier, for instance. Well, the Twins make every scene very silly. They’re crazy, lewd succubi. At the same time, they represent actual corruption for Nathan as he actively moves away from Omria.

It's fun to be able to do some silly stuff with them. The genre runs on isekai, where a modern character interprets the fantasy world in an easily digestible manner for readers (or more negatively, allows them to be incredibly lazy about description). But I greatly prefer actual fantasy, and writing about modern things from the perspective of someone from a fantasy world amuses me.

Alice shows up quite a bit, but the relationship remains very slow. She is desperately vying for Nathan’s attention, but doesn’t know how to make the first move. Nathan has huge hang-ups over princesses after being used by Charlotte his entire life. While I know that slow burn harem is still a controversial thing (which I find amusing given all the people who claim to want “realistic relationships” in their harem novels), it’s definitely my preference.

Also, yeah, Nathan is totally going to have sex with her on the throne. You all know it’s coming. It’s got everything. New empress having sex on her new throne? A heretic defiling a creation of Omria? The MC expressing dominance over a politically superior character? Ticks all the boxes.

Torneus didn’t really do anything. I kind of want to bring him back, but I know some people get super mad if villains are ever forgiven. Then again, I feel that the noisy people behind the push against darker morality in harem already dislike me so…

Vera got the short end of the stick in this book. There is a reason why she sorta faded away, but I won’t go into it. Suffice it to say that her scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. I’ll need to sort her out in Book 4.

Now let’s get into more controversial characters.

Astra is gruff, dominant, and violent. She has a tragic backstory and moe traits (plus the part where she has a breakdown when she’s exiled), so people might overlook her being aggressive and annoying, but she’ll rub some people the wrong way.

I mentioned there was a funny story behind her, and it happened while I listened to the audiobook. In one of the earlier chapters, Nathan mentions that Fei was his fourth trigem Champion and I went “What!?” My notes had nothing on this and no other mention was made later. Slowly, I remembered my original series plans. Nathan was supposed to have a Champion who died, and he would encounter her and it would be super weird. Astra slotted into that position neatly enough.

So that’s how Astra ended up being the character she is.

Fyre is the ascended extra. There is a duogem horsegirl that defended Terrius in Book 2. When I needed a character for the prophet role in Book 3, I checked if there was a beastkin Champion before I created one whole cloth. And there was Fyre (unnamed in the previous book) – the fact she looks the same as Ciana was a complete coincidence.

Anyway, I’m not sure how she’ll be received. Initial feedback seemed bothered she wasn’t developed enough. At least one person was annoyed that Nathan didn’t do more about her, despite him repeatedly stating why he left her alone (he didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth). She’s basically setup for Book 4. I’m not sure I’d call her the yandere character, but she has elements from one. The Sunstorm scene where she is in prophet mode might help reception, but we’ll see. Easily the character I’m most curious about.

Finally, Nurevia. A character a lot of people will dislike. Like the Twins, she corrupts Nathan. Unlike the Twins, Nathan actually likes her due to his past attachment. She’s a bit of a bitch and isn’t really intended to be a sympathetic character. I don’t know if I’ll do a Nurevia again. She's intended to end up in a subservient position to Nathan, and her being unlikeable is part of the payoff, but I probably should have put her conversion off until Book 4 in that case.

Repeating Introductions

Time for a negative topic.

You probably noticed that I reintroduce everything in each of my books. Every character, all of the concepts etc. Some people find this annoying. I actually hate doing this as a writer, and it makes starting a new novel very hard.

For my spicy take, I’m going to say that books that go through the effort to reintroduce characters and concepts, or at least nudge the memory, feel like actual books instead of serial fiction broken up into commercial chunks. Maybe that’s all harem and litrpg is to some people, but if I’m charging people for my books, shouldn’t they be getting an actual novel?

For Heretic Spellblade, it helps a lot because of the long break between each book. But I’m probably going to stop reintroducing anything except major plot points and characters. The main reason is that it takes up an increasing amount of time in each book. Also, it’s a lot of effort and words for something that may even be costing me sales.

The Soft Multiverse

The final topic is a simple one, and it relates to the magic system.

With the release of Demon’s Throne, I decided to merge my books into a “soft” multiverse. You won’t see characters appearing in other books, and overlapping plot points MCU-style. My series will remain standalone and complete.

But I am going to use the magic systems, concepts, and maybe meta-villains like Kadria’s boss (Nyarlathotep) across series.

You might have seen this in Maura’s explanation of the magic system. The magic bears a lot of similarities to what is used in Empire Reforged and Demon’s Throne. Each series will have its own special elements: Bastions and the mental stuff for Heretic; souls and the planar shenanigans in Throne. If I ever do decide to have actual crossover stuff, this makes it easier. It also means the magic systems will become more and more familiar over time, at least in my fantasy works.

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Anyway, that’s all I had to say. Which ended up being a lot.

I hope I managed to filter out any post-release bitterness from these notes. I wrote these sooner than I expected to, and simply tried to keep negativity out of it. I avoided talking about the political intrigue in the book for this reason, as I couldn’t really address it without some biting commentary. One day I might just become like MSE and speak my mind on things. For now, I remain in my shell.

Commercially, I’ll be shifting to a faster release pattern as I think my slow releases simply aren’t viable. That’s all I’ll say on the release front. I'll focus on my existing series (and plan future ones) and assess the state of things later in the year.

Otherwise, let me know if you have thoughts, questions, or comments. As I said at the start, I don’t know whether I’ll do something at this level of detail in the future. If people aren’t interested at all, I’ll likely reduce this to simple commentary on the final chapters of the book.

Also, if there's something I didn't cover and you want to ask about, bring it up.

I'll be working on the stories next. Expect them soon.