Quick & Dirty Writing Tips: The Pronoun Problem (Patreon)

The Pronoun Problem

Perhaps one of lesbian fiction’s most infamous difficulties, the dreaded “pronoun problem” arises when writing a scene between two female (or male) characters who use the same pronouns. Which ‘she’ is speaking? Who is holding whose hand? The reader may never know.

Unless, of course, you take care to make it clear where every action originates. Here’s how! (Buckle up — this is a long how-to article.)

Step 1: Eliminate Epithets

Epithets are the descriptive phrases new writers often use in place of names. In some languages, such as Italian, they are actually common, and aren’t considered the mark of an inexperienced writer. In English, they’ll get your book rejected at most publishing houses, even if it’s otherwise a fantastic manuscript.

(Also, trust me, even if the publishing house accepts it, you don’t want to go through the process of removing them with an editor… I had to do that for my first novel with Michelle Magly, Dark Horizons, and it was Not Fun™.)

Here is a written segment using epithets.

The softness in Taylor’s voice bordered on vulnerability, and it touched something within Maia. Perhaps if she had met the human under normal circumstances, in a galaxy where the Dominion was not at war with Earth, the two of them could have had a proper date. The ikthian reached up to adjust the collar around her neck. So much could have been different.

(For reference, ikthians are an alien species in Dark Horizons.)

This segment is okay, but it isn’t as clean as it could be. First of all, why would Maia think of herself as ‘the ikthian’? Do you think of yourself as ‘the human’ or ‘the woman’? Probably not. I don’t think of myself as ‘the writer’ when I go about my day.

Secondly, Taylor and Maia are lovers at this point in the novel. They’ve done the do several times. Do you think of people you’ve had sex with as ‘the human’? Unlikely. So, let’s try again.

The softness in Taylor’s voice bordered on vulnerability, and it touched something within Maia. Perhaps if she and Taylor had met under normal circumstances, in a galaxy where the Dominion was not at war with Earth, the two of them could have had a proper date. She reached up to adjust the collar around her neck. So much could have been different.

This example is better. There’s no more ‘the human’ or ‘the ikthian’. However, the ‘She’ still isn’t very clear. We are in Maia’s POV (more on that in a second), but Taylor’s name was the last one written down. Just to clarify, let’s add Maia’s name.

The softness in Taylor’s voice bordered on vulnerability, and it touched something within Maia. Perhaps if she and Taylor had met under normal circumstances, in a galaxy where the Dominion was not at war with Earth, the two of them could have had a proper date. Maia reached up to adjust the collar around her neck. So much could have been different.

There is one situation in which using epithets is very appropriate: to show that the main POV character doesn’t know someone yet. Here is a segment from Chapter One of Dark Horizons, before Maia and Taylor have learned each other’s names:

Taylor's military training took over. The seekers had her outnumbered and outgunned. She needed to run if she didn't want to end up like Jackson. She grabbed the ikthian by the arm, careful not to touch her skin, and dragged her away, out of the canyon and onto the open plain. They sprinted to the waiting shuttle, though Taylor felt the ikthian stumble more than once behind her. 

Here, using ‘the ikthian’ is okay. Taylor has just run into Maia in the middle of a warzone, and has no idea what her name might be. In this situation, the epithet serves to emphasize their unfamiliarity with each other.

Step Two: Use Names Instead

So, what are you supposed to do if you can’t use epithets? How do you differentiate between two female-identified characters? The answer is: use names. This might feel awkward for the writer at first, but after growing accustomed to it, using a character’s name more frequently becomes second-nature.

(I promise, your readers won’t notice!)

Here is an example from Dangerous Woman (yet to be released):

“Morning,” Lisa yawned, blinking sleepily in Jordan’s direction. Her face, free of make-up, was a little paler than usual, and her hands were wrapped tight around a steaming mug of coffee. Because of the cold, Jordan knew. As soon as fall had started, so had her complaints. But those complaints didn’t stop her from being adorable.

Want throbbed between Jordan’s legs at the sight of her sitting on the couch, in form-fitting navy blue leggings and an oversized sweater with a purple kitten stitched on the front. Lisa, she had learned, didn’t believe in wearing clothes at home that she couldn’t crash in comfortably.

It’s a mess, right? So let’s fix it.

“Morning,” Lisa yawned, blinking sleepily. Her face, free of make-up, was a little paler than usual, and her hands were wrapped tight around a steaming mug of coffee. Because of the cold, Jordan knew. As soon as fall had started, so had Lisa’s complaints. But those complaints didn’t stop her from being adorable.

Want throbbed between Jordan’s legs at the sight of (Lisa/her) sitting on the couch, in form-fitting navy blue leggings and an oversized sweater with a purple kitten stitched on the front. Lisa, Jordan had learned, didn’t believe in wearing clothes at home that she couldn’t crash in comfortably.

First, we took out Jordan’s name from the first sentence. Otherwise, the ‘Her’ that starts sentence number two could refer to her instead of Lisa.

Next, we’ll change the ‘her’ in the fourth sentence to ‘Lisa’s’. It’s okay to use her name twice in this paragraph — it’s better than letting the reader think we’re talking about Jordan.

In the second paragraph, we have the option of changing ‘her’ to ‘Lisa’, or leaving it as-is. (It’s already somewhat clear that Jordan is looking at someone other than herself.) Just to be safe, I prefer using the name.

Lastly, we want to change the final ‘she’ to ‘Jordan’. Lisa was the last name used, and we don’t want the ‘she’ to refer to her. (The italicized ‘she’ at the very end is okay, because Lisa is the subject of the sentence. In fact, it’s the first word! The reader isn’t likely to forget.)

Step Three: Vary Your Sentences

Using names is all well and good, but it can get annoying if it’s the first word in every paragraph, or if it’s used so frequently that it becomes an ear-worm for the reader.

The solution for this is to vary your sentences. You should start some with names, start others with different nouns, and you can even throw a few adverbs in as starters (with limits). Here is an example:

Jordan blinked at the sound of her name, sitting up straight and removing her headphones. Lisa stood a few feet away, wearing a sharp blue skirt and blazer with a pink blouse underneath. Jordan’s attention didn’t linger on the contrasting colors for long. Lisa’s face was surprisingly uncertain.

Jordan turned off her music, tucking her phone and earbuds into her purse. “Ms. Green,” she said, in a deliberately flat and uninviting voice. “You’re fifteen minutes early.”

“You were earlier,” Lisa said.

Jordan frowned. “I make a habit of it.”

Lisa sighed. “Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot the other day.”

Jordan rose from the bench, leaving her purse, thermos, and briefcase where they sat. “You made it pretty clear that you have a moral opinion about this case, and the fact that I’m prosecuting it makes you think less of me.”

Wow. Look at all these names! Let’s get rid of some, and vary the sentence structure so our sentences and paragraphs have more diversity in style.

Jordan blinked at the sound of her name, sitting up straight and removing her headphones. Lisa stood a few feet away, wearing a sharp blue skirt and blazer with a pink blouse underneath. Taken together, the two contrasting colors were meant to draw attention, but the expression on Lisa’s face was surprisingly uncertain. Perhaps regretful?

“What are you listening to?” Lisa asked, an obvious attempt to break the tension.

Jordan turned off her music, tucking her phone and earbuds into her purse. “Ms. Green,” she said, in a deliberately flat and uninviting voice. “You’re fifteen minutes early.”

“You were earlier.”

“I make a habit of it.”

There was an awkward pause, and then Lisa said, “Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot the other day.”

“Did we?” Jordan rose from the bench, leaving her purse, thermos, and briefcase where they sat. “You made it pretty clear that you have a moral opinion about this case, and the fact that I’m prosecuting it makes you think less of me.”

Here’s what we did:

Started some of the paragraphs with dialogue instead of Jordan or Lisa’s names (while still making it clear who was speaking).

Used other words and phrases (ex. ‘Taken together’, ‘There was an awkward pause’) instead of beginning every sentence with a name.

You can over-use this trick, but it helps.

Step Four: The Golden Rule

When you’re writing, always make sure you stay in one character’s point of view for the length of every scene. Otherwise, the reader will get very confused. This is called head-hopping, and here’s an example:

Taylor had no webbing between her fingers, no fringe and no gill marks, and the dark fuzz on top of her head was particularly fascinating. Unlike naledai fur, it only covered a small portion of her body. Maia bit her lower lip, suppressing the sudden urge to reach out and touch.

Unfortunately, she noticed where Maia was staring. The ikthian’s piercing gaze made her skin tingle. "You like my hair, huh?" she asked, running one of her own hands through the dark, spiky strands.

"Hair?" she repeated, studying the human's head more intently.

"Yep. We all have it." Taylor brought her hand back down. She paused for a moment, considering how friendly she should be. The ikthian was her prisoner, after all, but she didn’t seem too dangerous. Finally, she came to a decision. "Do you want to touch?"

Maia thought about her offer. Even though she knew it was irrational, she desperately wanted to touch the human. Her scientific curiosity got the better of her, and she nodded once.

Nervously, Taylor bent her head and waited. Maia reached out with one hand, gingerly touching the soft strands. Her eyes widened as she ran her fingers through them, and she gasped. She hadn’t expected it to be so soft, or so ticklish.

Well, that’s a hot mess. It’s hard to keep track of who’s thinking and doing what: the reader is bounced around like a ping pong ball. Here’s a better version, solely from Maia’s POV:

Taylor had no webbing between her fingers, no fringe and no gill marks, and the dark fuzz on top of her head was particularly fascinating. Unlike naledai fur, it only covered a small portion of her body.

Maia bit her lower lip, suppressing the sudden urge to reach out and touch. Unfortunately, Taylor noticed where she was staring. "You like my hair, huh?" the human asked, running one of her own hands through the dark, spiky strands.

"Hair?" Maia repeated, studying Taylor’s head more intently.

"Yep. We all have it." Taylor brought her hand back down. She paused for a moment, as if she were considering something, but finally seemed to come to a decision. "Do you want to touch?"

Maia thought about Taylor’s offer. Even though she knew it was irrational, she desperately wanted to touch the human. Her scientific curiosity got the better of her, and she nodded once.

Taylor bent her head. Slowly, Maia reached out with one hand, gingerly touching the soft strands. Her eyes widened as she ran her fingers through them, and she gasped. She hadn’t expected it to be so soft, or so ticklish.

By putting the entire scene in Maia’s POV, we do lose a little something: Taylor’s feelings of unease and hesitation. However, this can be explored in several of the book’s other scenes, and the extra POV clarity (see all the epithets and confusing pronouns we got rid of?) makes the scene a much easier read.

Did you make it to the end?

Your head is probably spinning. Hopefully, though, your readers’ heads won’t for much longer!

To summarize:

Stick to one point of view per scene

Only use epithets if your POV character doesn’t know another character in the scene very well yet

Use names whenever possible

Practice starting a few of your sentences in different ways so there isn’t a name at the front of every single one

Good luck, and happy writing!