December 2021 - $1 Tier Apology Email (Patreon)

Hello [YOUR NAME],

Greetings and a very happy New Year! We hope that [YEAR NUMBER] is a great year for you and your family / home / street gang of residence. Thanks again for the dollar you loaned us last month. We were really looking forward to returning it to you - do you have CashApp by the way? - but unfortunately there’s been one small issue. We were at a New Year’s Eve Party in the local sewers, as is New Year’s Tradition in our part of the country (California) and we were partying the night away, dollar in hand, so excited to return it to you! But just then, we were approached by a woman. That’s right.

She came right up to us, and let me tell you, [YOUR NAME], she was beautiful. She was 11 feet tall and made completely of steel and carbon fiber and had to have had the brightest eyes we’d ever seen. We were immediately entranced by her beauty. She told us, in her own language which consisted of honking and engine revving - epic, right? - that she’d like to be our New Year’s Kiss. But there was one catch, and it was that she needed the dollar in our hands. So we made the executive decision to hand it over. We had an amazing night, and then she drove away. We never got her name.

Anyways, we’ve gone ahead and debited your card on file for another dollar. Also, do you know anything about how to look up license plates for sentient semi-truck women? Drop us a line. Thanks.

Happy New Year, [YOUR NAME].