February 2022 - $1 Tier Apology Email (Patreon)

Hello [YOUR NAME],

This month, we were just about to mail your dollar back to you, when a gust of wind blew the doors open to our office, swept the dollar away out the door and into the streets and sky. We watched it leave us in a beautiful flurry and spent the entire afternoon and well into the evening searching the neighborhood. We asked the elderly and young alike if they had seen our dollar and they said they hadn’t, and we wondered if they’d ever lie to us, our dear neighbors, and thought better of it. Then, we went back to the office, ate seven Big and Bold Chicken Bacon Ranch Hot Pockets, and entered into a fitful sleep.

That night, a storm approached and cascaded upon us in the night and the windows shook with thunder and sometimes even lightning. In the rumbles and sometimes flashes of white-purple and downpour of sheets and sheets and rain we thought we saw something out the window, a glint of green, the stare of a disembodied George Washington, far away and yet watching. As if his paper eyes were tracking us through the windows. Something deep in our bones told us to run, to chase him, to hear of what he had discovered in the great wide world could change us. Would it be worth it to find out? Even if it cost us our sanity, or even our lives?

We decided against it, citing the cold rain, and stayed put on our office-cot, and tried to sleep again, but we couldn’t, so we listened to our favorite song (Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson) sixteen times on repeat and then fell asleep.

We wonder if your dollar will come back.

We’ve gone ahead and debited your card on file for one more dollar.

Thanks for understanding, and a have a great rest of your [UNIT OF TIME].