April 2022 - $1 Apology Email (Patreon)

Hey [YOUR NAME],

So, you remember how we borrowed your dollar? And said we’d get it back to you? Well, about that…. It’s gonna take a little while longer. But once we explain, we’re sure you’ll understand.

Last night, we were in a car accident. It was really horrible. We had the accident and it was everywhere, all over the car, the seats. It will take us months to get this accident out. And wouldn’t you have it, when we had the accident, we were sitting on the dollar you loaned us. So it was completely covered in accident. We realize how unprofessional and frankly disgusting this all was, so we took the dollar to the local dry cleaners.

The dry cleaner (he wasn’t moist at all, incredibly) told us that unfortunately, due to supply-chain constraints, it would take him four years to clean your dollar. So. We’re sorry, but there’s nothing we can do. In the meantime, we’ve gone ahead and debited your card on file for one more dollar.

Thanks and we’re so proud of you and your [ACHIEVED MILESTONE IN PERSONAL LIFE].