"Look what you did do my lute!" (Patreon)

I shouted indignantly.

"Go away and leave me alone, you bastard!" Zandar shouted back, shooing me with her hands as if I was a feral animal.

"Fine, if that's how you feel," I sulked, and pooked away to another tree where I could continue to watch unobserved.

"Beautiful elf," Sir Conrad sobbed as he stared up into the tree where I had been a moment ago. "Beautiful song. Gone..."

"Come away from there, Sir Conrad," Zandar sighed, letting her coat fall open. "Am I not also beautiful and soft and snuggly?"

"If you were a boy, I would worship you," Sir Conrad admitted.

"You still might," she said, and reached up to scratch the back of his head.

I wrinkled my nose in disgust at the fox's moans of pleasure. Zandar was using the simplest of Wiles to seduce the poor fool, yet she had the nerve to insinuate that I was an abuser and a manipulator!

"I can show you pleasures such as no mortal has ever known," she promised him. "If you tell me the White Elf's name."

So, this was her game, was it? I decided I'd continue playing along, if only for the sake of keeping her distracted. I pooked quietly to the ground and drew my bow.

"Gladly!" Sir Conrad exclaimed. "It's -"

And that's when I elfshot him.

Zandar let loose with a stream of most unladylike profanity, and then tried to attack me. Her feeble blows were easily deflected, but the sheer insolence of it was making me start to lose my temper. I grabbed her wrist as she swung at me.

"I've been patient with you because you are pretty, and the mother of my child," I snarled. "But you are beginning to exhaust the goodwill I have toward you. I can't kill you, but I CAN make you very, very uncomfortable."

I squeezed her wrist. She gasped and writhed with pain. Just as her knees began to buckle, I let go. Despicable as she was, I still didn't want to hurt Zandar.

"I'll allow you to go," I said. "But I do not like these mysterious entities sending their lackeys to fetch you," I added, pointing to Sir Conrad, who was humming tunelessly and dancing around in an elfshot daze.

"That's what you did," Zandar stated accusingly as she got up and walked over to the capering tod. "Come along, Sir Conrad," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"NO," I yelled. "I sang him! I shot him! That mortal is mine by right! You may go, but he stays." If we were playing the name game, I couldn't allow Conrad to spill the beans as soon as the elfshot effects wore off. Besides, I wanted to question him.

It didn't take long after Zandar left for Conrad's wits to return.

"I can't believe it!" he gushed. "Am I really in the presence of His Lordship? Or should I say, Adler Young? Ever since I was a kit at my grandmother's knee, I loved hearing stories about elfland! Is it true that I get a wish if I braid your hair?"

"No," I sighed. "That's not true. Where do you people come up with this stuff?"

"May I braid your hair anyway?"

"NO!"

"Well, do I get a wish for knowing your name? It is Adler Young, isn't it? I know so much about you. I've devoted much of my life, you see, to studying the local fairy-lore. And my word, I thought I knew how fair you were to behold, but the stories don't do you justice! Did I mention that I know nearly everything there is to know about you? I even know the tales about you disguising yourself as a vixen numerous times! Is that true? And it's fairly well substantiated that you once turned a brutish, crass mercenary into a dainty little girl! Oh, how that tale in particular sparked my young imagination! The bit about her golden curls was my favorite part! And your alchemical experiment of trying to steam gun powder, that was BRILLIANT! I simply can't believe no one else had ever thought of it! I even know about that weird mole you have on your -"

"Incessant babblers do not get a wish," I blurted, cutting his monologue short. "Where did you obtain all this information?"

"I was born and raised in Ballynure, not far from here," Conrad explained. "I have collected local lore, as well as numerous rare books on the subject. I am lucky enough to possess one of the few surviving copies of le Gobelet's 'Confederacy of Fairies and Elves' which contains the most detailed information ... including your lineage and your name ... Adler Young."

"Yes, yes, you know my name, congratulations," I muttered. This was more than a little disturbing, to learn that Percy Junior's tell-all book still existed in some form. There was much to do. I needed to finish up with this weirdo and send him on his way. "So what's your wish?"

"Ah yes," Conrad chuckled, giving me a strange, sultry look. "My wish ..."

What was this? Was he trying to use Wiles on me?

"I already mentioned what were my favorite parts of your story..." Conrad purred as he stepped close and gazed longingly into my eyes. "Surely you can guess what my wish would be, you gorgeous creature you."

"Let it be so," I hastily declared, stepping back and quickly transmogrifying him into a femme.

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