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seem to believe that I sidestepped the issue, distracting Burnside by making her my official bodyguard and concubine ... which of course is absolutely correct.

This is uncanny. I’m going to have to organize a task force to find out if someone else is publishing my life story without my permission. This has to be a violation of one of your convoluted lowfolk laws regarding trade-mark or copying rights, and I won’t stand for it. Meanwhile, let's continue the story.

Where was I? Oh yes:

.....

My mind raced, trying to think of some way to resolve this situation in a way that wouldn’t end with my entrails festooning the nearby trees. My Ixies were somewhere nearby, watching. Should I summon them? What exactly could they do if I did? And what were the odds that Burnside could gut me before they reached us?

I glanced at Burnside. She stared up at me expectantly, her ironclad grip not loosening for a moment. Obviously she was waiting for me to work my Wiles on her. Wait ... WILES! That was the answer! I could use some of the more complicated Wiles to butter her up and steer her mind away from romantic topics.

“Congratulations!” I exclaimed.

"Huh?" she countered strategically.

"After spending so long guarding Rebecca and her various covens," I continued magnanimously, "the fact that you never abandoned your post while awaiting my return, and your mostly-loyal service in past years despite being originally an Antglade agent, it is clear to me that your services are invaluable. Therefore it is only fitting that, acting in my official capacity as High King and Emperor of Faerie, I reward you for your past dedication while simultaneously claiming your loyalty for future labors. As you know, I am married to a skunk of noble blood, but the union is far from a happy one. Therefore, it is only fitting that I exercise my royal prerogative to bestow upon you the combined office of Imperial Bodyguard and Personal Concubine."

Burnside loosened her grip and stared at me, spellbound.

"No foolin?" she asked.

"Elves do not lie, my dear," I chuckled regally as I wriggled out of her now-loosened grip. "It is clear to me that this is the only way forward. However, such responsibility does not come lightly. I must be able to rely on your absolute loyalty. All of my enemies will become your enemies, including the Duchess of Daisies. Can you commit to that?"

"Yer durn tootin!" she blurted almost immediately. "The Duchess plum forgot about me, I reckon. All these years an nary a word. Nobody come lookin' for me to see how I was doin, nor give me any orders nor collect my report. I don't owe the Duchess nothin. Her an me is quits, an I'm a hunnerd percent yo servant."

"Excellent," I beamed, not expecting her to agree quite so fast. I reached into my Elfintory and pulled out a bundle of twisted willow withies (from a point in my long, boring exile when I tried actually MAKING baskets instead of magickally apporting them.) Wielding this object as a scepter, I gently tapped once on each of Burnside’s shoulders. "By my authority as the official acting Emperor over all of Faerie, I dub thee Lady Burnside, my official bodyguard and concubine."

"Golly," Burnside gasped, and I hoped she might faint. "I'm a Lady!? I got me a boss who likes me enough not to send me away in disgust?!? I ain't just some filthy Antglade-trash no more?! My pappy said I’d never amount to nothin. Almost wish I hadn't kilt him, so's I could see his face now! This here means more to me than ... than ANYTHANG, Adler honey. Sire. Yer Highness. Yer darlin Majesty."

This worked out even better than I thought it would. Excellent. I leaned back and silently congratulated myself as I began to wonder when Rebecca and the others would get back.

Burnside suddenly latched onto me again.

"You done made me a right happy critter," she purred around the knife clenched between her teeth. "I may not know much about fancy rituals for royalty, but I do know what a concubine does. Now that it's official, I reckon it’s high time I show you some grade-A Burnside lovin. I went easy on ya when we had venery before, but now ... brace yerself for the full ride! Don’t worry bout shuckin yo clothes, they’ll take care o themselves."

“Dear merciful Fuma," I whimpered. "Please protect and preserve me this day, for lo, I walk through the valley of the shadow of AAAAGHH!!"

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