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I have no idea who did it, (Patreon)

Published:
2024-11-01 01:28:38
Imported:
2024-11
Tags:

Content

but SOMEONE revealed our story room’s location! They published in your unholy lowfolk Book of Faces and also on "The X That Used to Be Birdsong" (darkest Unseelie sorcery, both of them!) saying that I could conjure endless stores of candy from thin air. Normally I’d tell these mooching lowfolk children to take a hike, but not on this night! The ancient tradition of Tricks-and-Treats is protected by the Harvest Spirit on the night of All Hallows’ Eve. I'm completely frazzled from running to the door all night! I don't think I'll be able to tell you any of my story tonight - although it seems that most of you have been reading it somewhere else anyway.. but since you're here, why not make yourselves useful and grab a bag of candy. You can help me pacify the ravening hordes outside, lest we all be cursed by the Harvest Spirit. Hark! There's a knock-knocking at the door right now!

(Outside) >TRICK OR TREAT!

They haven't given me a minute's peace since sundown! Who could be responsible for this??

(Rude Pumpkin) >Heh heh heh...

YOU!! You have a guilty look about you. Are you the one who sicced this army of candy-crazed munchkins on me?

(Rude Pumpkin) >Brilliant deduction there, Sherlock. It's about as obvious as the stink on a skunk-elf. While yer standin' there piecing clues together, let me remind you: I said "Trick or Treat" and that means you owe me something.

Au contraire, you already pulled a trick, which means I owe you nothing. But you know what? I'm feeling generous. As a treat, just for you I'm going to continue my story, right from where I left off last week.

(Rude Pumpkin) >Well whoop-de-doo.

Listen closely; you don't want to miss a single detail. Burnside deftly slipped the knife out from between her teeth and with a single motion sliced all the buttons off of my coat. Then she turned the blade and -

(Rude Pumpkin) >Wait a second! Stop! I don't want to hear this!

TOO BAD! The bargain has been struck! You asked for Tricks or Treats. Do you know what the Harvest Spirit will do if you refuse the sacred treat once it has been offered? YOU WILL SIT THERE, AND YOU WILL LISTEN.

(Rude Pumpkin) >You don't have to -

I insist. Burnside inserted the knife into the collar of her dress and ...

(This portion redacted by order of the Surgeon General)

Afterward, I lay there with my head propped against a log as Burnside cuddled me and I concentrated all of my will on breathing. Oh stop that sobbing; you only had to LISTEN to it. I had to EXPERIENCE it. You're not allowed to trick me again tonight, so I expect you to clean up that puddle of pumpkin muck you heaved onto my doorstep. Anyway, what was I ..? oh yes, as I lay there trying to remember to breathe, I began to hear the far-off sound of Rebecca and the witches returning. I couldn't let them see me like this! But at the moment I couldn't even move. The louder you retch, the louder I'm going to have to talk. And no, you can't leave until you've had your ENTIRE treat.

PREV www.patreon.com/posts/114661076

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Comments

Walter Reimer

Cthulhu's Center Front Nad, Adler, it surely could not have been THAT bad . . . And if it WAS, you'd better never tell Burnside she's a bad lay.

Rick2tails

the fellow there doesnt even appreciate the hot blessing Fuma provided him there! some of us would appreciate a hot raccoon babe

typeandkey

Ha! Serves him right.

Katfeathers

Hope everyone had a happy Halloween / blessed Samhain

Decadent Arsenic

I'm trying to run any possibility of what could be mentally scarring bedroom acts that Burnside would instigate that would be considered a bridge too far in this situation, and I gotta say that unless there are stains and smells that you can't clean up in time, which I doubt, then the real reason it would be uncomfortable is that Adler's butt was any focus. Or Adler and the Pumpkin are speciest against raccoons or just really don't like Burnside (both points of which are unfair)

typeandkey

You probably wouldn't survive her brand of "love".

Katfeathers

I suspect between His Young Majesty recovering from isolation, and Burnside getting creative (as well as the knife being present), well there are bits of the Internet where some folk have gotten more creative than should be directly mentioned.

typeandkey

>Adler: You wipe the sweat from your brow and let out a long sigh. You’ve spent most of last week cleaning up pumpkin sludge, candy wrappers, and someone also egged and covered the building with toilet paper. Why are lowfolk holidays all so exhausting and horrible? You’ll thank Fuma if you never have to lay eyes on a pumpkin or piece of candy again… As for the story, quiet a few of the listeners are clamoring to hear ALL the details of your encounter with Burnside. It would seem their secret source doesn’t have everything. However, your legal team has advised you not to share the gory details, pun not intended, and you assure the listeners that they are better off not knowing. Just to give them an idea of WHY they’re better off knowing; everything, and you mean absolutely EVERYTHING, Burnside subjected you to that day involved that Fuma damned knife of hers. The entire time you were a razor’s edge from death. LITERALLY! Now then, let’s move on… >Adler: You desperately try to find your voice, as it was hoarse and weak from constantly screaming, and you weakly wheeze to Burnside that the Rebecca and the girls are coming back. The two of you need to put yourselves together immediately. >Burnside: Why? Rebecca’s an adult, and all you have to do is tell the girls you ain’t decent and they’ll keep away. >Adler: It’s not that… Rebecca asked you for venery earlier and you turned her down because it would have been inappropriate. She may react badly if she sees you had nightmarish, painful, scarring venery with Burnside after denying her… >Burnside: What?? Why didn’t he say so earlier?? >Adler: She didn’t give you the chance! You both need to gather your shredded clothes together so you can magick them back into one piece. You need to get dressed before Rebecca and the girls get back. NOW. >Burnside: You scurry around the clearing gather every shred of cloth and every button you can as Adler struggles to barely sit up. >Adler: Burnside dumps the entire pile into your lap without separating the different pieces. You grumble as you try to sort and enchant the pieces as fast as you can. By the time you finish, the outfits are sort-of whole again. They both are missing big patches and look like you dragged them through a thicket full of thorns. You both slide your ruined clothes on as fast as you can as you hear Rebecca and her witches getting closer and closer. Burnside has to help you get dressed since you are still so out of sorts. >Rebecca: You call out joyfully as you enter the clearing. Everything went smoothly! The girls all have permission, so you can leave as soon as- You look around. Where are they? >Adler: You weakly stumble out into the open towards Rebecca, Burnside has to prop you up the entire time. You try to greet Rebecca casually, but your voice cracks like that of a man who’s dying of thirst. >Rebecca: You run towards Adler in alarm. “My lord, are you alright?? you look and sound terrible! What happened to you??” >Adler: Oh, you don’t want her to worry about you. You’re just really, really tired after some exercise… (technically true.) Unfortunately, your constitution gives out and Burnside yelps as you collapse on top of her. You pass out. Naturally you have a horrific nightmare. >Adler: You are wading through an ocean of bones as the sky breaks open above you. You hear hellish screaming everywhere. Skeletal hands reach up and pull you under. The light vanishes as you are buried in the bones of everyone you indirectly killed. You still hear the screaming. You can’t breath. The screaming gets louder. You’re suffocating. The screaming keeps getting louder. >Adler: Your eyes snap open and you see the ceiling of the coven’s humble shack. You can feel that you are in a bed. It would seem in an ironic, uh, POETIC twist, that you have taken Rebecca’s place recuperating in bed. You can hear shouting outside. It’s muffled, but you can tell it’s Burnside and Rebecca loudly arguing outside. Without understanding a word of it, you already know what they’re arguing about. You turn your head to see the three junior witches standing at your bedside. Their eyes, however, are focused on the door as they listen to the argument outside. Their expressions are that of nervous children listening to their parents argue for the thousandth time. You stare at the ceiling again. Great, just great. You did it again. One of your idiotic plans backfired and made everything worse again. Burnside and Rebacca probably hate each other now and it’s your fault. Fuma’s blessing of luck feels more like a curse. Perhaps you should just lay in this bed forever and everything will fall into place around you since your direct involvement just makes the world crumble...

typeandkey

*better off not knowing