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WHEW! (Patreon)

Published:
2024-11-08 02:39:58
Imported:
2024-11
Tags:

Content

I spent most of last week cleaning up pumpkin sludge and candy wrappers. Someone also egged and covered the building with toilet paper. Why are lowfolk holidays so exhausting and horrible? I’ll thank Fuma if I never have to lay eyes on a pumpkin or piece of candy again! As for the story, I see that a few of you are clamoring to hear ALL the details of my harrowing encounter with Burnside. Apparently your secret source doesn’t have everything. However, my legal team has advised me not to share the gory details (that's not a figure of speech, by the way.) Trust me, you're better off not knowing. Everything, and I do mean absolutely EVERYTHING Burnside subjected me to that day involved that damned knife of hers. The entire time, I was literally a razor’s edge from death.

Now then, let’s move on. I already told that miserable pumpkin, and I don't feel like recalling the whole scene another time.

As I lay there, I desperately tried to make a sound. My throat was hoarse and weak from constantly screaming for the past - how long had it been? An hour? Two? It seemed like it had gone on for AGES. Without turning my head, I wheezed to Burnside that Rebecca and the students were coming back. "We need to put ourselves together immediately."

"Why?" Burnside replied. "Rebecca’s a grown-ass femme, and all we gotta do is tell the gals we ain’t decent and they’ll keep away."

"It’s not that," I rasped painfully. "Rebecca asked me for venery earlier, and I turned her down because it would have been inappropriate. She may react badly if she sees I had nightmarish, painful, scarring venery with you as soon as she was gone."

"Doggone it," Burnside exclaimed. "Why didn’t you say so earlier??"

"I never had a chance! You need to gather our shredded clothes together so I can magick them back into one piece. We must get dressed before Rebecca and the girls return. Get to it!"

Burnside scurried around the clearing, gathering every shred of cloth and every button she could find, as I struggled to sit up. As soon as I got my upper body into a roughly vertical position, she dumped a mound of tattered scraps into my lap.

"Didn't you sort them?" I grumbled as I tried to separate the bits of her clothes from the bits of mine. She grabbed half of the pile and started to help, as I enchanted the pieces back together as fast as I could. After a few minutes, the outfits were sort-of whole again. They were missing big patches and looked like they had been dragged through a thorn bush. There was no more time to fix them! Burnside and I slid our ruined clothes on as fast as we could as we heard Rebecca and the witches getting closer and closer. Burnside had to help me at the end because I was so stiff and achy I could barely move.

"Hudalaleigh!" Rebecca called happily as they entered the clearing. "Everything went smoothly! The girls all have permission, and we can leave as soon as- Where are you?"

"Here," I croaked semi-audibly as I stumbled out into the open, with Burnside propping me up.

“My lord, are you all right??" Rebecca asked, darting toward me in concern. "You look and sound terrible! What happened??”

"Oh, you needn't worry about me," I wheezed nonchalantly. "I'm just tired after some strenuous exercise." (This was technically true.) Suddenly I heard Burnside yelp as the clearing tilted and the ground leaped up to smack me in the face. Everything went black.

I dreamed I was wading through an ocean of bones as the sun shone down through a thick blanket of nasty-looking greenish clouds. I could hear hellish screaming everywhere, as if an invisible battle was going on all around me. Skeletal hands reached up and pulled me under. The pale green light vanished as I was buried in the bones, but the screaming continued. I couldn’t breathe. The screaming got louder. I was suffocating. The screaming kept getting louder.

My eyes snapped open and I saw the ceiling of the coven’s humble residence hall. I slowly realized that I had taken Rebecca’s place recuperating in bed. I could hear the muffled shouting of Burnside and Rebecca arguing outside. I couldn't make out any of the words, but I had a feeling I knew what they were arguing about. I turned my head to see the three junior witches sitting on a bench at my bedside. They were all staring forlornly at the door as they listened to the argument outside. I looked back up at the ceiling.

Great, just great. I did it again. Another dumb plan backfired and made everything worse. Burnside and Rebacca probably hated each other now, and it was my fault. Fuma’s blessing of luck was starting to feel more like a curse. Perhaps if I stayed in this bed forever, everything would fall into place around me, since every attempt at direct involvement only ended in disaster.

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Comments

Rick2tails

well Burnside certainly looks satisfied

Decadent Arsenic

Certainly, if previous benchmarks regard intervention to be failure, go ahead and be a knot on a log. But you should at least go make sure burnside doesnt carve a rabbit.

Roo_CatUK

Thoroughly satisfied to the brim haha

typeandkey

>Adler: As you stare at the ceiling your mind wanders to Vernier. You remember how she told you how every time she tried to help someone it always ended in disaster. You recall what you said to her, about how she only focuses on the negative to the point that she forgot about all the times when she helped someone and it didn’t go awry. What would she say to you if she could see you right now? She’d probably say the same thing. As much as you’d like to stay in bed and wallow in self-pity, you can in fact recall plenty of times you tried to help someone and it didn’t spiral into disaster. Albeit most of those were trite and small in scope… When you hear the argument outside increase in volume you realize you need to intervene. You caused this problem, albeit indirectly since Burnside was too excited to give you a chance to object, so you need to at least try to set things right. Plus, now that a potential love triangle has been introduced, you need to make sure that Burnside doesn’t do something that she would normally do. You throw aside the blankets and rise up from bed. >Student witches: You see Adler is rousing from his fitful rest and object that he is getting out of bed so soon. It’s only been an hour and he looked like he was nearly mauled to death by a wild animal. He was also mumbling about things that sounded very distressing while he was asleep. >Adler: You’ve been through worse than this before, and your nightmare was about something unrelated. You need to deescalate this before anything bad happens. It would be best if the witches stayed in here until things are all clear. >Adler: You open the door to see Rebecca and Burnside in the midst of a shouting match. >Rebecca: He was screaming his head off the entire time and she never once thought to check that he was okay?? >Burnside: That’s normal! Most men scream when you give them your super-special brand of wiles and venery! >Rebecca: That doesn’t make it any better! Who on Earth uses a dagger for venery?? Not to mention she never once asked him if he was okay with it! >Burnside: He’s a grown man! If he wanted her to stop he coulda just said so! >Rebecca: How is he supposed to do that when there was a knife at his throat half the time?? >Adler: You try to firmly clear your throat to get their attention, however it comes out a lot more meekly than you intended. >Both women look at you in surprise. >Rebecca: “My lord! Are you sure you should be out of bed so soon? You sounded delirious when everyone put you in bed.” >Adler: You’ll be fine. First of all, it may look bad that you had venery with Burnside after she she left, but it was in no way reflective of you spurning Rebecca’s affections. >Rebecca: Well, yes, you were upset about that too, but the bulk of your anger is over the fact that Burnside nearly mauled him to death. >Adler: You appreciate Rebecca’s concern, but that is something that you must discuss with Burnside yourself. Now that she is officialy in the employ of the imperial crown, there are codes of conduct she must adhere to. You give Burnside a stern look when you say that and are silently surprised to see Burnside flatten her ears against her head and look remorseful. You only recall seing her like that when she was under the influence of some unseelie narcotic. >Rebecca: Burnside told you that Adler made her his concubine… Does that mean-? >Adler: What you said still stands. You have no objections to Rebecca’s affections, but for the time being it would be a gross misuse of you authority as her teacher and mentor to act on them at this time. All of what happened today was just unfortunate timing. All of which is best left to discuss privately when everyone’s cooled off. >Adler: You can feel the tension alleviate after you say that. Rebecca doesn’t look happy, but she’s not angry anymore. Burnside looks embarrassed and mildly ashamed. You’ll need to spend time with them one-on-one later, but you’re surprised that you actually managed to calm them both down. Thankfully you’ll have a long journey ahead to sort this out with the both of them.