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I can hear you all snickering back there. And before you ask, I’m still wearing the antler as a punishment for failing my mission. I wasn’t able to find this Kathy-Slou Drew person. It turns out tracking down the Kringle’s best operative is a lot harder than anyone predicted, even for the Sisterhood’s top agent. HOWEVER, the failure wasn’t entirely my fault! I had inadequate information and resources! The bad intel I received had me scouring the same derelict Kringle-themed amusement park for months! And furthermore-

A mysterious voice calls out from somewhere out of sight: “ZAY YOUR LINEZ!!!”

(Lana lets out a long sigh and begins theatrically rattling her chains.)

HARK! Hark and gaze upon me, ye lowfolk mortals! For I represent a fate that awaits you at the end of life’s journey. It is said that the deepest circle of the Netherhells is the final destination for traitors and schemers, and lo, many of you are guilty of this and much more! Scheming, treason, and greed are the sins that stain your WRETCHED souls! And yet, the magnanimous elf you have so callously betrayed for your own selfish gain is offering you a way to avoid the abysmal fate that awaits you when your short lives finally burn out! WOOOOO!!! On this dark winter month you shall be visited by THREE spirits that will show you the error of your ways and how to change course. Let it never be said that your audacious-

“Auzpiciouz!!!” the mysterious voice bellows.

Uh- Auspicious Lord is without mercy. Now that you have been given fair warning of what is to come, let us continue the story until our next fateful meeting!

 How was that?

“Don’t schpeak to me! You’re breaking ze immerzion!” the voice insists.

Hey, that ward is still working, right? We're sitting ducks for the Kringle here, and I don't want to get dragged off.

“Ach! Juzt read ze schtory!”

Can’t read the Ballad if I’m toiling away in Frostheim, now can I?

. . .

As Adler stirred the simmering stew, he tried to plan out how he was going to deal with the recent situation involving both Burnside and Rebecca. He would have to have Burnside trained in the protocol and etiquette that was expected from an imperial bodyguard and concubine. He might also need to look into giving her a crash course in being a Floozy. HA! As if that uncouth Antglade bumpkin could ever learn our ways! It would be like training a rabid wild animal to eat with table manners. A futile endeavor! As for Rebecca - Even though, on the surface, she seemed less dangerous and less traumatic, the mess Adler had made with her was a lot more complicated. He of course had known she was interested in him since he first took her on as a student ... ugh, who wrote this? I'm breaking out with secondhand embarrassment from the finishing-school drama.

"Read ze schtory und schtop mit ze editorializink!"

All right, all right. Thinking back on it, Adler should have know that difficulties would arise. He simply could not allow things to go further while she was still his student; that would be a morally reprehensible thing to do! Are you serious? See, that's why it is better to be Unseelie. We don't agonize about such things. But to get back to the story: That added tension in his relationship with Rebecca would undoubtedly be a distraction. It could even grow into some kind of emotional festering wound. Maybe he could offer her venery as some kind of reward when she finished her studies? That's a pretty good idea! Wait, no, it says here, "That would feel wrong." For Fuma's sake. It pains me to know that he had the best Wiles training in the world, from Sheila Na Gig HERSELF, but still thought for some reason that he had to consider people’s delicate, inner feelings! Let's see ... Estvan may have had it rough teaching him as a mentor, but at least he didn’t have to deal with Adler harboring romantic feelings for him, thank Fuma. I dunno, I think that would have been very entertaining to see.

Moving on ... Adler looked up and was surprised to see the sun peeking over the horizon. He had spent all night grappling with his thoughts, just like a real Emperor. The stew was ready and it was time to wake the lowfolk femmes up. He loudly beat the ladle against the side of the cauldron and called out: “Wakey-wakey! Soup’s- er, Stew’s on! Breakfast time!”

He had to stop himself from smirking as the witches shuffled drowsily out of the cabin. Basil had the most ridiculous case of bed-head he had ever seen. Harriet was wearing some goofy pajamas emblazoned with some silly looking cartoon character, and Fiona was wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday, but they were wrinkled and disheveled from her obviously sleeping in them. This one was going to be the problem child in this group.

Burnside came tearing out of the underbrush like her tail was on fire, hollering “Stew?? Did you make stew??”

Rebecca peeked around the cabin with a surprised look on her face. “My lord, you made stew? It’s been so long, but I still remember that heavenly bug and moss stew you made so many years ago.”

"Bug and moss?" Harriet yawned.

Adler was quietly pleased to see Burnside and Rebecca in a less moody state. Perhaps he really was over-stressing things. Perhaps they just needed a little time to sort their thoughts out. Maybe he could still make this trip fun for everyone.

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