Cor blimey! (Patreon)

I’m Tiny Tim, I am! 'Astur bless us, everyone!

The mysterious voice bellows “Cut-cut-CUT! Vhat are you doink?”

I’m playing my part?

“Why does she get to be Tiny Tim?” someone asks.

“She’s not zuppozed to be Tiny Tim!” the mysterious Director exclaims.

Another voice asks excitedly “OH! Can I be Tiny Tim then?”

“No, you can’t, I asked first!”

“No you didn’t! Plus you got to pick what we had for breakfast! Fair is fair!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“SCHUT OPP!" the Director commands. "Ve need to get zis back on track!”

So, can I do my song and dance number now?

“Zong und dance num- ZERE IZ NO ZONG UND DANCE NUMBER! Did you even read ze shcript??”

There’s a script?

“Rrrrrgh! LANA! Vhere did you find zese three?? You zaid you vorked mit zem before!”

“I said I worked with them, yes," Lana declares, "but I never said they were actors.”

“Zen vhy in Fuma’s name did you brink zem???”

Lana shrugged. “They’re the only ones who agreed to do this for no additional fee.”

What exactly am I supposed to be doing?

“You are zuppozed to be ze Geist of Kringlemass past! You are zupposed to be forcingk ze audience to reflect on betrayink zeir benevolent elven Lord Adler Younk und makink zem to feel ze shame about it zo zey vill change zeir vays! Not playink Tiny Tim DOINGK ZONG UND DANCE NUMBERZ!!!”

OH! You mean shallow, insincere moralizing! I do that all the time to get out of trouble. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

Hey everyone, I’ve heard that you’ve done some bad stuff in the past. I won’t judge you for it, because sometimes doing bad stuff is really fun and profitable, like pirating movies and hiding pink dye in your sister’s shampoo-

“THAT WAS YOU??” someone screeches offstage.

But at the end of the day, doing bad stuff is bad, and if you do bad stuff, then you’re bad, and it’s bad to be bad. If you want to stop being bad then you should stop doing bad things so that you can stop being bad and become good. It’s bad to be bad, and it’s good to be good. I hope I got through to you today.

“Ugh!" the Director groans. "I need ein drink. Chust read ze schtory from ze book…”

Oh, this thing? Sure. Ahem. "The earliest thing I can remember is waving to my father on the balcony as my mother carried me out of the palace one day..."

"SCHKIP TO ZE BOOKMARK!!!”

Oh. All right.

. . .

So, everyone ate multiple bowls of Adler’s stew because it was just that good. Burnside gorged herself like a tick ... ew, and Rebecca got all nostalgic about the stew and how it reminded her of the early days when she first joined Adler’s hairdresser cult. Whoah! I’d love to be in a hairdresser cult, sign me up! OW! Why’d you throw that? Rude! The three junior witches were really impressed that Adler made something so delicious out in the woods. Most of their rations were just dried meat, bread, and some bland cheese. Adler explained that he made the stew out of their rations, but he apported, what does that mean? It's like a magical delivery from Tesco? Neat! He apported other ingredients to spice it up, things like wild herbs and juicy grubs. Eww, that’s disgusting! For some reason the witches were impressed that he made something so delicious from such loathsome ingredients. Some people have no standards. Give me boiled leeks, mushy peas, and eel pie over that rubbish any day. Anyway, that adorable wolf princess started gushing about how elves can turn anything humble into a treasure. Adler was pleased to see all the ... femmes? Are you French or something? Why not just say girls, or women? It's an elf thing? Okay ... after everyone ate, Adler packed the leftovers into his elfintory. Hey, I thought this was a true story. Why does he have video game pockets? That's an elf thing too? Whatever. After all of that was done, they grabbed their bags and hit the road.

. . .

“Hey, what’s this weird symbol on the chimney?” someone asks offstage.

“DON’T TOUCH THAT!!!” Lana exclaims.

“FUMA IN HIMMEL! ZOMEBODY GRAB HER!!!”

PREV www.patreon.com/posts/117408465