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Do I really have to do this? (Patreon)

Published:
2024-12-20 02:06:39
Imported:
2024-12
Tags:

Content

I wanted to be Tiny Tim.

“Well you definitely can’t be Tiny Tim now," Lana scolds, "after that stunt you pulled with the protective ward.”

“Zat vardt," the Director snarls, "iz ze only zink keepink ze Krinkle from draggink every elf in ze buildink to Frostheim!”

“If we hadn’t put fresh chalk on the spot you touched," Lana explained, "we would have been in serious trouble! He could have come down that chimney in an instant and stuffed us in his jolly sack of despair and toil!”

Hey! I said I was sorry about that!

“No you didn’t!" Tiny T- (I mean the Ghost of Christmas Past, played by Alexia Minkworthy) snaps. "You got mad and said they should’ve told us earlier!”

“And they did tell us earlier," someone else added. "You just didn’t hear them because you wouldn’t put down your phone!”

I have a social media presence to maintain! If I don’t post something at least every ninety seconds my fans will start to worry!”

“Quit mit ze chatter! Just read ze cue cards!"

Sure thing, boss! Uhh ... Shout and be jolly: Come in! and know me better, Mel! Who's Mel? I am the Ghost of Kringlemas Present! Kringlemas? It’s called Christmas, you odd silly Frenchy.

“READ ZE CUE CARDS ONLY!!! NO EXTRA KOMMENTARY! Und I am not French!”

Eep! Okay, okay! Um, Look upon me! You have never seen the like of me before!

“This story has been done to death," Alexia grumbles. "They probably have seen- OW! What’d I do?”

I come to you now in this present moment to discuss - no, DISCLOSE the secrets of the present to you. Ugh, who wrote this? For in this season of joy, generosity, and merrymaking not all are as fortunate as you. Look around you! What do you see? You are in a cozy place with a roaring lion - no, sorry, fire ... warm drinks, and Five-Star entertainment. Oh please, this is barely two and a half-stars, and it’s only that high because I’m in it.

“VAT DID I ZAY ABOUT KOMMENTARY!?!”

The one you have betrayed so callously, at this very moment, could be hiding in a forsaken pine box in some forgotten corner of the world! Denied the festive pleasures that you take for granted at this VERY moment! Cold and alone with no one to share the season. Have you no shame? No pity? No decency? Did you plan to betray your wise and handsome elf lord again this year? Wise AND handsome? I can't wait to meet this guy, when's he supposed to be back? I KNOW, NO COMMENTARY! Lessee ... you betray him for what? Another whistle? Really? Whistle? That's what it says. You are taking this moment for granted! SHAME OF THE HIGHEST MAGNITUDE BE UPON YOU! Is Adler Young not allowed to have a peaceful holiday as well? Will you turn your back on his generosity again this year? Mayhaps you should look in the mirror and wonder if you are deserting such constellations.

“Ze line iz: DEZERVINK ZUCH CONZIDERATIONZ! Vhat iz wronk mit you?”

Hey! It’s not my fault! The stage hand isn’t holding the cue cards steady!

“Vait… Who iz zat?”

“What the-?" Lana bellows. "INTERN!!! What in Fuma’s name are you doing here??”

“I accidentally violated twelve of my restraining orders," the Intern explains sheepishly, "when I went Christmas shopping at the mall. I decided to lay low here until the heat dies down.”

“Hey! Back off, buddy!" the clapboard operator snaps. "This here is my gig! I’m under contract!”

“Vhat kontrakt?? I zigned notzink!”

“Aaaargh!" Lana bleats miserably. "It’s these DAMN lowfolk unions! Intern! Get out of here and go do something useful! Fetch me a coffee! I need a warm drink.”

“Sure thing, boss lady!”

“And this time make sure it's JUST coffee!”

“Vhy must I be made to zuffer zo…”

“Aw, quitcher bellyachin," the clapboard girl grumbles. "We’ve all got problems.”

“No zatz out of you, STAGE HANT! Just give ze Geist of Present ze schtory book!”

Okay, um… The start-

“UND SCHTART FROM ZE BOOKMARK!”

I did!

. . .

The start of the journey was fairly uneventful. There was a handful of townsfolk who asked Rebecca if she had any remedies to sell, but they were disappointed to learn that she was leaving for a while. Adler asked if they should head to Percysthorpe by train. Wow, that’s a silly name for a town. Couldn't you come up with something believable like Nether Wallop, now THAT’S a nice solid town name. But, uhhh, where was I? AH! He was informed that the little farming town they were in had no railway station, and unless they wanted to ride in a cart full of grain, they were walking until they hit a town that did have one. Wow, life before everyone had a car really sucked. So they walked.

While they were walking along they saw a strange mel on the side of the road. Lots of blokes named Mel in this story.

. . .

Bella's reading is interrupted by a loud thump on the roof.

“Vhat vas zat??”

“It came from up on the housetop!" Lana exclaimed nervously. "Where’s the intern? Send him out to check! Also, where's my coffee??

“The two-tailed guy is outside snogging with a vaguely female shaped snowman. Oh, never mind, he’s taking his pants off now."

“GAH! Close the blinds!”

“Stage hant, go outzide und check vhat it vas zat lanted mit zuch a loud ZZUMP on ze roof.”

“Sorry, I’m on break.”

“YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE UND USELETZ!!!”

PREV www.patreon.com/posts/117869235

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Comments

Rick2tails

I feel implying Id shag a snowwoman is grounds for slander. First of all I wouldnt leave a room with that many babes in it ;p

Rick2tails

also I need to give Lana her spiked. er hot coffee without delay

Roo_CatUK

I don't think that's how you plough snow 😸

Walter Reimer

"There's a thump on the roof." "A thump? What sort of creature is that?"

Rick2tails

I certainly wouldnt. extreme cold is not a turn on its the exact opposite XD

Rick2tails

sounds like little hooves and some boots walking on the roof

Walter Reimer

Worse than I thought. (cocks his shotgun)

Decadent Arsenic

Of course the director didn't sign the contract! Aelfig did by forging the director's signature. :3c Cool payday if she's able to help the gang out of this sticky wicket with her river witch powers (read as: Ol'Misty's Blessin'), as long as they are within 5 miles of flowing water.

Mondegreen

I think thumps are related to crows, judging by the sounds the latter make on my roof.

typeandkey

>We see the third and final Minkworthy sister dressed as the third and final Kringlemas ghost. She is wearing a flowing black cloak with a hood that casts a shadow on her face. She might actually look intimidating if the cloak wasn’t a size or two too large for her. We can hear fearful whispers in the background. >Lana: “He’s not going to come back, right? The ward will keep him out, right? We’re safe in here, right?” >Director: You try to sound confident, but there is a fearful tremor in your voice. “He haz no reazon to come back, Kringlemaz iz over… But keep that two-tailed pervert on lookout at the windowz juzt to be zafe…” >Minkworthy 3: “So… What am I supposed to be doing? I read the script, but there was nothing about my part.” >Lana: “After careful consideration, we decided your talents are best used in a non-speaking role.” >Minkworthy 3: “What?? That’s SO unfair! My sisters both got speaking parts!” >Director: “Yez, and zey vere very bad at it.” >Minkworthy 1 and 2: “HEY!” >Director: “Elvez do not lie! If you want to come back next time, take zome achting lezzonz!” >Lana: “Can we just get this over with? I’m sick and tired of being trapped in this building all month.” >Director: “Fine-fine! Okay, Geizt of Future, do your part. ACTION!” >Minkworthy 3: “Gladly, but WOT am I supposed to do?” >Director: “Juzt point at ze vizual aidz! Zis iz ze eaziezt part!” >Minkworthy 3: “There are no visual aids.” >Director: “Grrrr! ZTAGE HANDT! Vere are ze vizual aidz??” >Aelfig: “I couldn’t find them.” >Directorr: “YOU COULDN’T FIND ZEM?? VHY DIDN’T YOU ZAY ZO EARLIER??” >Aelfig: “I was on break.” >Director: “ZOMEBODY GO FIND ZEM!!! I am zurrounded by imbecilez! >Rick: “Oh… Those were important? We were running low on firewood, and I found these painted sheets of plywood… I kinda… Chopped them up and put them in the fireplace.” >Lana: “INTERN!!!” >Director: “Ugggh…” You sigh in defeat. “I zhould have expected this… Pure optimizm that anything vould go zmoothly… Ze zhow muzt go on… Just… Just everyone get up there und pantomim ze vizual aide.” >Everyone: The Minkworthys, Lana, Rick, and Aelfig shuffle up on stage and look around awkwardly. “Now what?” >Director: “Mime out a zcene of torment und hellfire! You are in ze deepezt pit of ze Netherhellz! Zis is ze ultimate fate of all greedy traitorz! You muzt ztrike FEAR into ze audienze zo they never betray zere elf lord again!” >Everyone badly mimes out something that could conceivably be a scene of hellish torment. If you squint and tilt your head. Sort of. >Director: “Alright! Geist, now point!” >All the Minkworthys point. >Director: “JUZT ZE GEIZT OF FUTURE!” >The other two Minkworthys drop their arms and the Ghost of Kringlemas Future points at the laughably bad scene of hellish torment in as intimidatingly as she can. They all stand there for an awkward minute. “Is that it?” >Director: “It iz now.” You ssay in annoyance. “Now everyone elze get out of there. Geizt of future, read ze book.” >Minkworthy 3: You hold the book up and point at it. >Director: “Vat are you doingk? I zaid, READ ZE BOOK!” >Minkworthy 3: “You said this was a non-speaking part.” >Director: “Zat part iz over! You are ze narrator now! READ ZE FUMA DAMNED BOOK!” >Minkworthy 2: “Okay, okay. Sheesh.” You straighten up and begin reading. “And that's how I stabilized the empire. The End.” >Director: “TOO FAR! Zat iz too far! Zere iz a big bookmark right zere, schticking out of it! How can you mizz it??” >Minkworthy 3: “This is where the page was folded!” >Director: “For ze final time! Zart from ze BOOKMARK!” >Minkworthy 3: “Okay! As they approached the strange mel, they heard that he was mumbling to himself-” >Suddenly the door flies open and a quartet of weirdos amble into the room. >Lana: “Oh come on! What are you idiots doing out of the Jokes Room??” >One of the “Jokesters” speaks up: “You forgot to feed us, so we gnawed through the door. We didn’t know where else to go.” >The one wearing the thick pair of glasses and a dime-store suit shambles up to the Director: “And it’s a good thing we got here too! We know just the thing to spice up your little community theater here! Instead of doing a boring ol’ book reading, you should do a creative spin on The Christmas Carol! No one’s ever done it before! It’s brilliant!” >Director: You glare at the wannabe comedian. “Ve already vere doingk- Vhy in Fuma’s name are you drezzed like zat?” >Wannabe Loser Comedian: “It let’s me piggyback off someone else’s reputation and legacy. It also lets me get away with blatant plagiarism.” >Director: It's obvious this charlatan can’t even write a sentence without copying someone else’s work. “GET ZIS HACK OUT OF HERE! Zrow him out!” >The hack writer is grabbed by Lana, the intern and the stage hand and is thrown out the door into the snow. They also beat him up a little too. >Director: “No more interruptionz! Please juzt read the schtory before zomething elze happenz.” >Suddenly a bunch of Lana’s other employees march into the story room, each one stepping on the hack writer as he lies in the snow, all joyously singing a classic carol. “Hark the herald Angels sing!” >Director: “Fuma in himmel! Vat now??” >Lana: “What are you all doing here?? This is a private gathering!” >Kangy: “We heard your Christmas party wasn’t going so well, so we came here to liven things up! Joyful all ye nations rise!” >Lana: “WHO TOLD YOU THAT??” >Rude Pumpkin: “Heh heh heh.” >Director: “ZIS IZ A MADHOUSE! I can’t do zis anymore!” You step forward to reveal the shocking truth that you were actually Adler in disguise this whole time. >Adler: You are wearing an old timey director’s costume. You pull off your fake mustache and glare at the audience. “Show’s over! You can all pile out! This is why I stay away from show business. I guess I’m just doomed to have you all putting a target on my back every winter.” >An icy gust of wind blows down the chimney and douses the fire. In a flurry of snowflakes, the Kringle himself materializes from the fireplace. He stands there in all of hiss nightmarish festive glory. A hard silence falls over the room. >Adler: As Lana screams in horror you stumble back. “No! It can’t be! The ward! Kringlemas is over!” >Lana: “Why can’t I pook away??” >Adler: “Why in fuma’s name did I make this STUPID building pook proof?? Please, Kringlemas is over! You have no reason to take us now!” >Kringle: “Your ward was a fake, your helper used a false source by mistake. The season's not over, and there’s always so much to do: cleaning up production, setting up for next year, and shoveling the reindeer stable’s piles of doo.” With a malevolently cheerful twinkle in his eye, he adds, “Rudolph has been hitting the Sugarplum-chili nog extra hard this year too.” >Adler: His kingly dignity tossed aside, he falls to hiss knees. “Please have mercy! I’ll do anything else! I’ll hand out cards and donate to charity! Just please don’t take us to Frostheim!” >Kringle: He throws back his head and gives a jolly laugh, his belly shaking like a bowl of jelly. “Ho ho ho! Easy now, Adler, you’ve nothing to fear. You’ve been a good boy, you’re on the nice list this year.” >Adler: “I- uh- Huh??” >Everyone: “What??” >Kringle: “Your listeners betrayed you for my sake, this much is true, but instead of revenge you sought to gently teach them a lessen, this was a very thoughtful and merciful thing to do.” >Adler: You shakily stand up and dust yourself off. You can hardly believe what you’re hearing. >Kringle: “And so, I come bearing neither coal nor thistle, you’ve earned a gift, and so I am pleased to present you with your very own Oscar Mayer Wiener Whistle.” >Adler: You stare at the trinket in your hand in bewilderment. “Um… Thanks?” >Kringle: “Keep up the good work, bringing goodwill and cheer. Never forget, there’s always next year.” >Lana: “So, we’re both on your nice list?” >Kringle: “Ho ho! Oh, no. Just Adler.” In a single lightning fast move, he throws his sack over Lana, capturing her with ease. >Lana: “AAAAHHHH!!! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!” >With a jolly laugh the Kringle puts his finger on the side of his nose and begins to rise up the chimney. >Rick: “My Queen! Don’t leave me!” He grabs onto the Kringle’s sack and is pulled up the chimney along with them. >A deafening silence dominates the story room as everyone stands in shock over what just happened. And then- >Everyone: “Joy to the world, the Lord is come, let Earth receive her king!” >Everyone sings in a joyous chorus and Adler is showered with praise and well-wishes. “Good job!” “I didn’t know you had it in you!” “This is a huge step forward for you!” >A few members of the audience bashfully approach Adler. “You production over thiss last month really spoke to us. We’re sorry for betraying you like we did. Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive us?” One by one, they present Adler with gifts. >The singing continues and someone pops open a bottle of champagne. >Adler: You look around you as a smile slowly creeps onto your face. You turn to face the viewers at home. “Never in all my years did I think I’d ever say this, but… Merry Kringlemas! Fuma bless us, everyone!” You accept a glass of champagne and join in the singing. >Meanwhile, while Adler is having the greatest Kringlemas of his life… >Somewhere in Frostheim. >Lana: “Rrrrrgh! How can only nine reindeer make THIS much crap??” >Rick: “You know, if you need a break, I know the perfect wat we can unwind.” >Lana: “INTERN! Shut up and keep shoveling!” Merry Christmas, Everyone!