“You mean that rock the pumpkin is sitting on?” (Patreon)

Rebecca asked.

“What pumpkin?” I replied, squinting.

“That one right there, sitting on the rock you pointed at.”

“Oh,” I said, blinking. Pumpkins, like mushrooms, were sometimes easy to miss ... but this was ridiculous. "Where did that come from?"

“One of our new recruits must have brought it…” a nearby Shrub Knight theorized.

“Okay well, wherever it came from, it's better than a rock, so Rebecca: Name that pumpkin. Don’t just give it a silly random name,” I echoed my mother’s teachings. “Name it what it is, what you feel deep within your heart that its name should be.”

Rebecca leaned forward and concentrated on the pumpkin, clenching her jaw and making her eyes bug out in a most unsettling manner. “Okay, I have it!” she exclaimed at last. “The pumpkin’s name is Richard Neil Bluerose Cleveland Silica-Quartzite Jr. He was named after his adopted father, the stone he is sitting on.”

“Ugh, pumpkins and their fancy names,” the Shrub Knight groaned.

“Sure," I shrugged after blinking at Rebecca for a few seconds. "Why not? Since you seem to be a fast learner and are actually somewhat ahead of me when I started, let's try something more complex than commanding the pumpkin to just sit and be orange. Let's start right off with something interesting. Use the pumpkin’s name and command it - in proper Gramarye - to do something that pumpkins don’t normally do.”

“Okay! I love making pumpkin lanterns, but I hate seeing them decay and fall apart, so: Richard Neil Bluerose Cleveland Silica-Quartzite Jr, never rot. Be fresh forever! … Did it work?”

“I like your ambition," I nodded, "but maybe try commanding it to do something that we don’t have to wait a month to verify.”

“Okay. Well, I hate it when bratty kids come along and smash the pumpkin lanterns my coven worked so hard on, so: Richard Neil Bluerose Cleveland Silica-Quartzite Jr, be smash proof, but you can still be carved into a pumpkin lantern… Did it work?”

"Let's find out," I said, and then addressed the Shrub Knight. “Hey, smash that pumpkin with your spear.”

“Sorry, your majesty, that just isn’t possible. This Stab-O-Matic 5000 Summer model spear is only built for jabbing and stabbing. Using it to smash something would void the warranty.”

That bordered on insubordination, but I didn't feel like making a scene (and I also didn't want to smash the pumpkin myself) so I turned back to Rebecca. “Try commanding the pumpkin to do something that we can see and immediately verify if it worked. Keep it simple. Think maybe a state change, like its color or its size ...”

"I know!" Rebecca declared excitedly. "Richard Neil Bluerose Cleveland Silica-Quartzite Jr, start talking!"

“Oh wow, lady, you must be some kinda frikkin’ genius!" the pumpkin sneered. "Telling a pumpkin to start talking! What’s next? A spittin’ scarecrow? A sassy snowman? Wow! I bet you were the top of your class! Dumb broad. Nice rack; too bad you skipped brain day.”

“Hey!” Rebecca snapped indignantly.

“Now see here!" I scolded. "I am the crowned Emperor Adler Young, ruler of all of Faerie! You can’t talk to my student like that! Apologize at once!”

“He won’t," the Shrub Knight rustled. "Typical pumpkin behavior.”

“Well la-dee-dah!" the pumpkin scoffed. "So you’re an emperor? Well, you smell like a typical dirty, stinky skunk-elf to me. I don’t even have a nose and I can still smell you all the way from over here! You want ME to apologize while assaulting me with a stink like that? HAH! Try asking again while you’re standing downwind and maybe I’ll think about it.”

“Why you little!" I snarled, rolling up my sleeves in indignation. "I’ll show you what for!”

“Get him, my liege!" the Shrub Knight cheered. "Don’t take any guff from that grumpy gourd!”

I strode forward resolutely, and using Adoyret Sam's martial training, I dealt the pumpkin a mighty blow.

The insolent oversized squash was unfazed. “Heh-heh-heh. I’m smash proof, stink-head! And even if I wasn't, I would have barely even felt that! I bet Bunny Bimbo over there could slug harder than you. You hit like a little girl with noodle arms.”

“I am NOT a little girl!!!” I screeched, suddenly enraged. I gave the pumpkin a roundhouse kick which sent it flying through the air towards a distant Gap.

"I'll remember this, stinkface!" the pumpkin yelled as it sailed out of sight. “I know your name!”

“You did what had to be done, my lord,” the Shrub Knight rustled with a note of admiration.

I turned back to see Rebecca scratching her head in confusion over what just happened. I took a deep breath to calm down. "You show great talent for a novice," I told her. "However I'm reminded of my mother’s warning: Unexpected outcomes are seldom pleasant. Gramarye has to be carefully formulated to account for every possibility and rule out mishaps like that from occurring. Let's back up and start again with something a bit safer. How about chairs?”

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