“Mercy sakes," (Patreon)

Burnside cackled as she looked over the pile of weapons. "What am I gonna name the one I pick? If it’s an axe I’ll name it Mr. Choppy, if it’s a sword I’ll name it Sir Slash-A-Mel, if it’s a dagger I’ll name it Herr Prostate, and if it’s a paring knife I’ll name it Banana Peeler.”

"Ahem," I reminded Rebecca. "That chair needs a name too."

Rebecca's expression immediately brightened. She began to wave her hands and wiggle her fingers over the chair while making the mystical noise "Woo-Woo-Woooo-Woo-WOOOO!"

“You don’t really need to do all th-” I started to protest.

“I have it!" she exclaimed. "The chair’s name is Tedifer Chairface Gorgonzola Chippendale Butts III!”

“Okay, yeah," I replied skeptically. "That’s a name all right… Now, this time be very specific in what you tell the chair to do. Think everything through completely. Leave nothing to chance and nothing to error. You do not want any unpleasant surprises like with that pumpkin. Also, you do not need to say it out loud. If you’re in a tight spot and need to whip up some magick without anyone noticing, you can compose Gramarye silently. Give it a try.”

Rebecca stood quietly and stared at the chair for about a minute. “Okay! I’m done. Give it a try, my lord. Sit down and take a load off.”

“Er, is it safe?”

“I haven’t told it to do anything dangerous, my lord. Trust me,” Rebecca beamed.

I very nervously and gingerly sat on the chair, and immediately was swaddled in absolute comfort. By Fuma! This was the comfiest chair I ever sat in! Without even thinking, I summoned a fruity drink with a tiny umbrella in it out of the aether. I was too overcome with relaxation to put my approval into words, so I just gave Rebecca a languid thumbs-up while I sipped my drink.

“It’s not just comfy, my lord," Rebecca smiled proudly. "It can do one more thing. Think of someplace you’d like to go.”

I immediately thought back to my time spent at the Winter Palace in Persoc Tor. This chair would have been perfect for lounging next to the pool...

Suddenly the chair began to walk at a brisk pace, with me still sitting on it! I jumped off in surprise. “Goodness!" I exclaimed. "Rebecca, I’m really impressed. That amount of sensitive context is amazing for only your second try. Is there a way to get it to stop before it reaches its destination?”

“Oops…” Rebecca muttered, with downcast eyes.

“Well," I shrugged as we watched the chair stroll vigorously away. "I suppose Hoardblemish's magick school will be surprised when they see a chair walking around. Or maybe they won't.”

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