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"Quit pullin' on Mister Choppy!" (Patreon)

Published:
2025-08-18 23:25:07
Imported:
2025-08
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Content

Burnside bristled. "I found him first!”

"Its name is Sun-and-Moon," Meadow snapped. “And I’ve been using it for nearly 200 years!”

"Shoulda kept better track of it then," Burnside sneered. “Finders keepers!”

“It is magickally bound to me!" Meadow insisted. "It is mine to use by divine right! Why do you think it’s floating to me?”

"Could be some kinda Gramarye," Burnside theorized. “Whadda you mean, divine right?”

“I’m the current acting Wolf, I mean, Mouse Queen!" Meadow declared. "This holy weapon is a symbol of Seelieness and goodness!”

“Goodness?? Seelieness??” Burnside suddenly let go of the bardiche as if it was red-hot. “Mister Choppy is a symbol of Seelieness??!!” She begin frantically shaking her hands and rubbing them on her shirt. “EW! EW! EW! I touched somethin' Seelie! I need to wash! My Unseelie aura has done been soiled! I think I’m fixin' to be sick!” She dropped to her hands and knees and began retching.

Rebecca lunged forward and put a quick Whammy on Burnside, knocking her out.

"I think that was probably unnecessary,” I remarked.

“Probably," Rebecca grinned, "but I need the practice.”

“Adler," Meadow called imperiously. "We need to talk. Is that raccoon femme the same Burnside who was a changeling at the very last Ferifax festival? Who went on to become the Duchess' most dreaded handmaiden? What is her relationship to you? Why is there someone so Unseelie hanging around you? And what's with the rabbit witch?”

"Well, uh," I stated incisively. "Burnside is kinda ... my personal bodyguard, and..."

"Should I be sitting down for this?" Meadow asked unhappily.

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Comments

Katfeathers

At least for the length and ramble of it.

Walter Reimer

May want to get refreshments as well, also, too.

Rick2tails

its a long complicated story...she should sit (in my lap? XD) for it

Mondegreen

Cmon, Adler, it doesn’t have to be a long story. Burnside promised to obey you, so her unseelieness is checked. Her murder, I mean, fighting skills make her very useful as a bodyguard. And has Meadow never heard of good witches? ;D

typeandkey

>Adler: “It’s a long story, you probably should sit down.” >Meadow: You look around for a place to sit, finding none you shrug and sit on the unconscious Burnside. >Adler: “Let’s see, where should I start.” >Meadow: “Probably from the beginning.” >Adler: “Well, the earliest thing I can remember is waving to my-” >Meadow: “Skip to the part after we separated, please.” >Adler: “Well, after you left I was in dire need of a lawyer, I had three options: a love-struck and brain-dead doe, a ridiculous old fox shamelessly pretending to be the Wolf Queen, or an actual professional lawyer. Naturally I picked the lawyer. Unfortunately for me, she was a Sisterhood agent and she failed to defend me in anyway. Later she admitted that she botched the trial on purpose as part of the Sisterhood’s plan to get me out of the way for their nefarious plans. Later down the line she forsook her allegiance to the Sisterhood and promised to only work for me.” >Rebecca: “Oh, how did you manage that? Did you enlighten her with Fuma’s gifts?” You ask innocently. >Adler: You blush. “Uuuuh- something like that. Yeah.” >Meadow: You snicker at Adler. “Still pretty bashful for a self-proclaimed ‘wiles master’. I remember how beet red you turned at the idea of closing that gap with me after we got back into Faerie all those years ago.” >Adler: “As I recall, you were just as bashful as I was if not more-so.” You sniff. >Meadow: It’s your turn to blush. >Rebecca: And it’s your turn to snicker. >Adler: “Anyway, skipping ahead, I was stationed at the Antglade outpost ass a dignitary. You were right in your assumption, executing me was the last thing on my brother’s mind. He actually thought he was giving me a vacation… He was such a lummox… By Fuma I miss him…” >There is a heavy moment of silence. >Adler: Ahem. “Well, the Duchess had a plan worked out without my consent. She somehow got word out that I was raising an army to overthrow my brother, and since Estmere did, erm, less than a stellar job running the empire, there were more than enough angry elves to rally behind my apparent ‘cause’. The Duchess made it very clear that my choices were limited, so I had to go along with her plan at least for a while. She also gave me the plague of battles, making it clear that I had no choice at all in taking it. Burnside was sent with me as a ‘diplomat’, more of a thug to make sure I did as the Duchess wanted, but I was eventually able to win her over. Well, win her over partially. She did try to assassinate me later, but I was able to win her over for real the second time.” >Meadow: “For real, huh?” >Rebecca: “It’s true! My lord was able to win Burnside’s heart and she swore an oath to serve and protect him! It’s so romantic.” You say dreamily. >Meadow: “And she swore this oath to you after she betrayed your trust and tried to kill you?” You say while eyeing your current seat suspiciously. >Adler: “Burnside is an elf, and an elf’s word is her bond. Burnside may be a little- Okay, no. Burnside is completely unseelie and may also be completely mentally unstable-” >Rebecca: “She is. I once asked a Psychologist, a budding new field of study in the lowfolk world, fascinating stuff, to interview her. He wanted to write a paper on her, but I had to help him escape before Burnside gutted him and used his scalp to make a hat.” >Adler: “Uh, okay well, She may be unseelie and mad, but she is an excellent fighter, and what emperor turns down a valuable asset? She’s already proven to be a good bodyguard.” >Meadow: “An asset, huh? How long until she become a liability? If even half the things I’ve heard of her are true, she’s crossed the threshold of a murderer and become a walking war crime.” >Rebecca: “Burnside is dangerous, unseelie, and possibly even evil, but she is not beyond redemption. She’s if nothing else, she’s proven that she does value the virtue of loyalty. For 200 years she’s protected me and the various charges in my coven all while valiantly waiting for my lord to return to us. I think with time and patience we can put her on the right track to Fuma’s embrace.” >Meadow: You stare at Rebecca in confusion. “Are you a witch or a missionary?” >Rebecca: “Haven’t you ever heard of ‘good witches’?” You huff in mild indignation. “Witches can be good! They make herbal remedies to heal the sick and help expecting mothers give birth! I’ve done that and more.” >Meadow: “The textbook definition of a witch is a person that makes unholy pacts with demons! What you described are herb farmers and midwives. As an elf you should understand the dangers of changing the meaning of words!” >Adler: You try to diffuse the situation. “Now, let’s no get too hasty. Rebecca is as Seelie as they come. She is a kind and gentle soul that only wants to do good. All her actions are done to spread the love and glory of Fuma. What does it matter if she likes to wear black and enjoy the occasional cackling fit? Even I enjoy a good cackle on occasion.” >Meadow: “The problem is labeling herself a witch! What type of message does that put out? She could very well be a walking gateway to darkness and unseelieness. Some poor, uneducated sap could see her going around claiming to be a witch while doing her good deeds then want to be a witch too! I can just see it now: ‘It’s okay to sell my soul to a demon because witches are good now.’ 200 years ago I wouldn’t have cared, but as the acting arbiter of seelieness in Faerie it is my duty to protest this dangerous game she’s playing.” >Rebecca: “Ugh! Your just like all the other closed-minded fools I’ve had to deal with in my life! Fuma loves everyone, and my tastes don’t change any part of her divine plan in the slightest!” >Adler: It’s time to put your status as emperor to work. Diffuse the situation with tactfully forceful diplomacy. “Okay, everyone simmer down. Meadow, Rebecca has proven herself to be a kind, seelie soul that would never dream of breaking away from Fuma’s light, and anyone who knows her and wants to follow her example would never consider such unseelie acts either. I’ve met a number of Rebecca’s coven members, and they were all stellar examples of morally upright and scholarly minds. This line were on right now is not helping anything. We can discuss semantics another time.” >Rebecca: You smile at Adler jumping to your defense. >Burnside: You break the tension by mumbling incoherently. “I’ll take mah cackle-berries over-easy, thanks.” >Well, my dear listeners. What happened next? What did Meadow say or ask after that? Or perhaps did something completely different happen?