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Unable to resist my curiosity, (Patreon)

Published:
2026-02-10 02:41:26
Imported:
2026-02
Tags:

Content

I pushed the button.

The imposing statue began to move around in a stiff, jerky manner. The arm holding Estmere’s fake head slowly bobbed up and down in a lazy attempt at showing off a war trophy. The arm holding the Plague vial started to move, but the elbow didn't bend, making it look like a crude schoolyard mockery of avians flapping their wings. The head (of me,not of Estmere) began slowly turning left and right as the mouth opened and closed. As I watched, I realized that no, the mouth was NOT moving. The lips and jaw remained stationary, while the teeth clacked open and closed in a very weird-looking gnashing motion. Was this supposed to be scary? I began to feel insulted, not so much by the statue itself as by how cheap and fake it looked compared to the very realistic dullahan that had been chasing us.

Suddenly a voice emanated hollowly from somewhere within the statue. It spoke in a thick Vulpitanian accent: “I hate happinetz und protzperity! Mass death is all zat can slake mine NEFFERENDINK BLOOTLUST! BLARGHeRAWR!!!”

“That sounds nothing like me!” I protested. Despite the flattering portrayal of my strapping elfly physique, this thing was clearly intended as an insult. Whoever built this entire weird setup had devoted a lot of time and resources to turn the city into a giant maze of horrors, but then had gone as cheap as possible for the construction of my statue, which should have been the centerpiece of the whole show. Someone would pay for this outrage! “Those foxes are definitely behind this," I declared. "It reeks of their blatant Unseelie propaganda! But why? Why set this up here if they’re trying to keep people out? This doesn’t make any sense! Now I understand why the Folly-La youths were drawn here. Senseless idiocy wrapped in pointless mystery is like a siren’s call to them.”

”Death to all who oppose me!" the statue proclaimed. "FEMMES UND KINDER FIRST!!”

“I know a little about these Vulpitanians from what Burnside told me," Rebecca muttered, shaking her head at the statue's outburst. "But the, ah, ‘colorful’ language she used made me doubt her objectivity. I understand they are long-time enemies of the Empire. Does this seem like something they would do?”

”I luff der smell of plague in der mornink!" the statue announced. "Smells like PLAGUE!!”

“Well, yes and no," I explained. "It's typical for their schemes to be needlessly complicated and overly elaborate, but they are not known for grotesque horror nightmare-type stuff. They usually prefer juvenile pranks, and a type of cheesy espionage involving cloak-and-dagger tactics that seem to be done as much for the fun of doing them as for concealing or obtaining any actual information. Once, I very easily uncovered a plot of theirs that involved a ghost and later a zombie that was meant to cover up the assassination of one of their own agents .. at least I think that's what it was about. It's hard to understand the point of a Vulpitanian spy operation even when it's fresh in your mind, and this happened a long time ago. I never knew for sure why they did it the way they did, and honestly I don’t think they knew either.”

”I drink blood und eat zufferink!" the statue gloated. "I also burp DESPAIR!!”

“A ghost and a zombie?" Rebecca exclaimed. "Wouldn’t that just draw even more attention to the agent's death?”

”I vill use der marrow of all good volk as der tile grout for mine floors of SLAUGHTER in mine palace of MURDER!!” the statue boasted.

“That’s why the plot was so easy to uncover,” I explained. “The more I think about it, the more I am astounded they were such a thorn in the Empire’s side for so long. Did you know that their national game is something called Frontgammon? The board is sealed inside a briefcase so none of the players can see it. There may not be an elf alive today who actually knows what a Frontgammon board looks like. You roll dice and move according to rules you make up as you go, but you have to keep track of everything mentally. A game can go on for hours until one player can declare victory, or - as happens more often - a player earns defeat by forgetting some detail of the game and making an illegal move (meaning a move you cannot justify by any ruse or crafty argument) according to the current state of play. I actually got pretty good at it, and was able to force one of their best players to a draw.”

”Let der people come to me zo I can KILL ZEM," the statue cackled mechanically, "und LAUGH at zeir veepink KINDER! Zen I’ll KICK zem mit mine FEETS OF EVIL!!”

“Well, hopefully that means they won’t be difficult for your new Empire to deal with,” Rebecca said, suitably impressed by my tale of Frontgammon prowess.

”If - und zis is ein BIG if," the statue babbled. "If I ever did bathe, I vould bathe in TORMENT und ZUFFERINK! Und I vould use zoap made of ANGVISH!!”

“Never underestimate a Vulpitanian," I cautioned. "At least a quarter of the time their idiocy is a ruse to put you off guard.”

”Commemoratif shirts und mugs are available in der gift shop," the statue announced. "Der gift shop of SLAUGHTER!!”

“Burnside, will you stop that!” I snapped, finally noticing that she was standing there and pressing the button repeatedly.

“But he says the purdiest thangs,” she giggled girlishly. “I like this version o' you. You oughtta keep it for press conferences an diplomatic summits.”

“Of course you would think so,” I grumbled. Burnside tried to push the button again, but I lunged forward and yanked it out of the stand.

“Aw… You broke him,” she whined petulantly. "He was handsome, an a sweet talker! Still handsome, I reckon..."

Before I could scold her further, I heard the Folly Gang call out from the doorway.

“Mister Lord Randall!" Ralph declared. "We’ve got a brilliant plan on how to catch this Dreadful Dullahan!”

"Like, who's the statue of, man?" Slovenly asked. "Like some ancient elvish war hero?"

"He cuts quite the imposing figure, whoever he is," Maeve observed.

“You have a plan, do you?” I prompted, steering them back out into the entry hall and away from discussing the monument. “Well, let’s not keep the Conundrum Experts waiting."

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Comments

Vet

Frontgammon. Interesting game. In the Army we played Atomic Chess. At any time the player could call “Nuke”. Promptly slamming the board knocking all the pieces off effectively ending the game. No winners in a Nuke war. Yea we be dark humor back then.

typeandkey

♪He ain't gonna jump no more♫

Walter Reimer

"I also burp DESPAIR!" (giggles) Kinda makes you wonder what he farts. Certainly not butterflies; only alicorns fart butterflies.

Decadent Arsenic

Gathering all the rubber shoggoths and making a pitfall trap that lands the dullahan past a set framework of ropes aimed to disarmor it. Burnside, Folly-la and... i forget the shaggy stand in's name.... can be the bait.

Walter Reimer

"How in the heck Can he break his neck If he ain't gonna jump no more?"

typeandkey

>Adler: With everyone out in the entry hall, you address the Folly Gang. They claim to have a brilliant plan, this outta be good. “So, please enlighten us on this ‘brilliant plan’ you have.” >Ralph: You are giddy with barely restrained excitement. All the other members of the Conundrum Crew nod their heads as you explain. “Well, Mister Lord Randal Sir, It’s a genius strategy of utilizing our surroundings and what he have available to us. We all pitched in on this and we’re really proud of it. First we scatter a bunch of rounded pebbles at the entrance of the palace which will cause the Dullahan to slip and stumble, a few feet past the pebbles we’ll set up a trip wire that will, and this is the clever part, cause the Dullahan to trip.” >Phoebe: “Tell him about the serving cart, Ralph.” You say while your whole body is vibrating with excitement. >Ralph: “Right!” You nod sagely. “The Dullahan will trip onto a serving cart we’ll get from the palace kitchen and that will wheel him forward. As the Dullahan is traveling forward at high speed he will move a framework of ropes and hooks that will dis-armor it. After he is stripped of his terrible visage the cart will ram into a road block-” >Maeve: “Technically a hall block.” You say knowledgeably. >Ralph: “Of course!” You clap your hands decisivley. You love it when a plan takes shape. “The cart will ram into a hall block that will send the Dullahan flying across the room. He’ll land on a pressure plate that will trigger a complex mechanism to drop an entire sheet of that inflatable rubber stuff on top of him, thus completely trapping him and solving this mystery once and for all. And we’ll lure him into this trap by sending Slovenly and Folly out to lure the Dullahan into this iron-clad, fool-proof trap.” All of the lowfolk youths begin clapping at Ralph’s stalwart presentation. >Slovenly: “And then, like, we eat, man!” You cheer. >Folly-La: “Merthy thaketh, Thlovenly!” You are so excited that you are dancing around, all the youths laugh uproariously. >Adler: You stare in sheer disbelief at the torrential river of idiotic drivel that just washed over you. You try to compose yourself to speak, but your mind is struggling to even put into words how stupid all of that was. “What- You- That- This- WHAT ARE YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT?? None of that made any sense whatsoever! How could you all even begin to think any of that would work? First of all, sending Slovenly and Folly out alone is a terrible idea! We just got finished being chased around by the Dullahan, HE HAS A WEAPON! He can just use his mace to cave Slovenly’s head in! Secondly, scattering round stones right at the entrance of the palace, an entrance that has inclining steps that put the floor at eye-level, would be completely noticeable and only an idiot would fall for it! And even if the Dullahan was fooled and stumbled around, what makes you think he would move in the direction of your tripwire? He could fall to the side! Or more likely just regain his footing and step around the stones! Even if he did hit the tripwire, he would have to be moving at a monumental speed for the cart to wheel forward more than a foot or two! If, even though he won’t, IF he did get sent careening down the hall, the framework of ropes and hooks would just stop his inertia! He’d come to a full stop at the first hook! If the laws of nature suddenly stopped working and he did get all his armor stripped off and continue moving at a breakneck speed, when the cart hits the road block- >Maeve: “Hall block.” You politely correct him. >Adler: Hall block, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT, he will not be launched in the air and go flying across the room! He’ll slide off the cart and go skidding across the floor! You also want to make a complex mechanism too?? How much time are you planning on spending making this thing? This whole set up will take hours! We’ll waste hours making a trap that won’t even work! AND FINALLY! Since you want to send Slovenly and Folly into the Ant-Lion’s den and lure the Dullahan to this trap, what makes you think they won’t just fall victim to this trap themselves? Will they stop or dodge in time while running? If the Dullahan sees them jump to the side, he’ll surely know something is amiss and break off his chase! This whole thing is needlessly complicated and has too many steps that won’t work in the first place! The more steps a plan has the more room it has to go wrong! Here’s a counter idea: counting your ant there are a total of 8 in our group, we can easily overpower the Dullahan if we combine our efforts. He’s armed but Burnside and I are trained fighters that have seen combat before. We go out and find the Dullahan, and since we are absolutely sure he is fake we have no reason to run away, and when we find him Burnside and I will disarm him, once he is disarmed everyone can jump him all at once and overpower him, when he is pinned on the ground we can collectively start pulling his costume off. It’s safer, smarter, and can actually work.” >Adler: The Folly-La Gang all collectively stare at you with wide eyes. You can see it, there is a glimmer of understanding sparking between them. They are about to have an epiphany! Suddenly their eyes glaze over and their mouths gape open and closed like a fish’s. They come to a moment later and look like the stern dressing down you just gave them never happened. >Ralph: “Okay, so we should start construction immediately. I’ll go gather the round stones.” >Maeve: “I’ll start constructing the pressure plate.” >Pheobe: “I’ll get the ropes and hooks.” >Slovenly: “Like, Folly and me will go to the kitchen and get the cart, man.” You lick your lips. >Folly: “Merthy thaketh, Thlovenly.” >Burnside: “Oh boy, oh boy!” You cackle maliciously. “This is too perfect. I just gotta see how this goes wrong. I’ll go cut up some sheets o’ that inflatable rubber for ya’!” You announce. >Rebecca: “It’s maybe not the best plan, my lord… But maybe we can make it work with some elfly magick? It would be good practice for me… Plus, if it does work, the spectacle would be really fun to see.” You say to Adler hopefully. >Adler: You look at Rebecca and Burnside in horror. The Folly Gang’s buffoonery is spreading! This is how it happened last time! Is there some kind of aura around these lowfolk that makes people abandon all sense?? “Fine!” You throw up your hands in surrender. “Let’s do it! I’ll even help! Why not? Who cares if there are other faster and safer ways to do this! Would you like me to sing a song wile we work??” >Ralph: “There’s no need.” You say pleasantly. “We’ve got you covered.” All the lowfolk youths begin singing their trademark song while they set to work on their moronic trap. “Fa-la-la-la-la Where art thou?” >Adler: You cover your ears and groan helplessly.