"Please enlighten us," (Patreon)

I said, once everyone was back in the entry hall, "on this brilliant plan of yours.”

“Well, Mister Lord Randall Sir," Ralph explained giddily. "It’s a genius strategy of utilizing our surroundings and what he have available to us. We all pitched in on this and we’re really proud of it. First, we scatter a bunch of rounded pebbles at the entrance of the palace, which will cause the dullahan to slip and stumble. A few feet past the pebbles we’ll set up a trip wire that will - and this is the clever part - cause the dullahan to trip.”

“Tell him about the serving cart, Ralph," Phoebe squawked while her whole body vibrated with excitement.

“Right!” Ralph nodded. “The dullahan will land on a serving cart we’ll get from the palace kitchen, and that will carry him forward. As the dullahan is traveling forward at high speed he will move through a framework of ropes and hooks that will dis-armor him. After he is stripped of his gear, the cart will ram into a road block-”

“Technically a hall block,” Maeve interjected knowledgeably.

“The cart will ram into a hall block," Ralph continued with an affirming nod. "His momentum will send the dullahan flying across the room. He’ll land on a pressure plate that will trigger a mechanism to drop an entire sheet of that inflatable rubber stuff on top of him, thus completely trapping him and solving this mystery once and for all. And we’ll lure him into this trap by sending Slovenly and Folly out as bait. He will chase them, and they will lead him into the jaws of our iron-clad, fool-proof trap. It can't fail!”

All of the lowfolk youths began clapping after Ralph’s stalwart presentation.

“And then, like, we eat, man!” Slovenly cheered.

“Merthy thaketh, Thlovenly!” Folly-la chattered while excitedly dancing around. All of the youths laughed uproariously.

I stared in sheer disbelief at the torrential river of idiotic drivel that had just washed over me. I tried to compose myself to speak, but my mind was struggling to even put into words how stupid all of that was. “What- You- That- This- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? None of that made any sense whatsoever! How could you even begin to think any of that would work? First of all, sending Slovenly and Folly out alone is a terrible idea! We just got finished being chased around town by the dullahan. HE HAS A WEAPON! He can just use his mace to cave Slovenly’s head in! Secondly, scattering round stones right at the entrance of the palace, an entrance that has steps that put the floor at eye-level as you approach, would be completely noticeable and only an idiot would fall for it! And even if the dullahan was fooled and stumbled around, what makes you think he would move in the direction of your tripwire? He could fall to the side! Or more likely, just regain his footing and step around the stones! Even if he did hit the tripwire, he would have to be moving at a monumental speed for the cart to roll forward more than a foot or two! Plus those carts have casters! They won't roll in a straight line without someone deliberately steering them. If, even though he won’t, but IF he did go careening down the hall, the framework of ropes and hooks tugging at his armor would just stop his inertia! He’d come to a full stop at the first hook! If the laws of nature suddenly stopped working and he somehow DID get all his armor stripped off AND continued moving at a breakneck speed, when the cart hits the road block-"

“Hall block,” Maeve reminded me.

"Hall block, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT, he will not be launched in the air and go flying across the room! He’ll slide off the cart and go skidding across the floor! The odds are astronomically against him landing in the precise spot to trigger this pressure plate ... and you also want to make a complex mechanism in the ceiling?? You're going to hoist a huge load of rubber up there so it will drop on the dullahan? Do you know how much that stuff weighs? How much time are you planning on spending making this thing? Where are the materials coming from? This whole set up will take AGES! We’ll waste hours of our lives making a trap that won’t even work! AND FINALLY! Since you want to send Slovenly and Folly into the ant-lion’s den to lure the dullahan to this trap, what makes you think they won’t just fall victim to this trap themselves? Will they stop or dodge in time while running? If the dullahan sees them jump to the side, he’ll either follow them, thereby ALSO evading the trap - or else he'll realize something is amiss and break off the chase! This whole thing is needlessly complicated and has too many steps that are too likely to fail! The more steps a plan has, the more room it has to go wrong! Here’s a better idea: Counting your ant there are a total of eight of us. We can easily overpower the dullahan if we coordinate our efforts. He’s armed, but so is Burnside. She and I are trained fighters that have seen combat before. We go out and find the dullahan, and since we are absolutely sure he is fake, we can stand and face him like any normal adversary. When we find him, Burnside and I will distract him. While he is dealing with us, everyone else can jump him all at once and overpower him. When he is pinned on the ground, we can disarm him and start pulling his costume off. This plan is simpler, smarter, and unlike yours, has a chance of actually working.”

The Folly-La Gang all stared at me with wide eyes. I could see a glimmer of understanding sparking within them. They were about to have an epiphany! Suddenly their eyes glazed over in unison, and their mouths opened and closed like landed fish. I permitted myself a tiny triumphant smirk as I waited for one of them to admit, "Golly, Mister Randall, you're right."

“Okay, so we should start construction immediately," Ralph declared instead, as if I hadn't said anything at all. "I’ll go gather the round stones.”

“I’ll start building the pressure plate,” Maeve announced.

“I’ll get the ropes and hooks,” Phoebe twittered excitedly.

“Like, Folly and me will go to the kitchen and get the cart, man,” Slovenly proposed, licking his lips.

“Merthy thaketh, Thlovenly,” Folly-la concurred, as he skittered around underfoot.

“Oh boy, oh boy!” Burnside cackled maliciously, rubbing her hands together. “This here is just TOO good. I can't wait to see how it all goes wrong. Lemme go cut up some sheets o’ that inflatable rubber fer yall!” She whipped out a knife and scampered off to help.

“It may not be the best plan, my lord," Rebecca said, soothingly. "But maybe we can help make it work with some elfly magick? It would be good practice for me. Plus, if it does work, the spectacle would be really fun to see.”

I looked at Rebecca with slowly dawning horror. The Folly Gang’s buffoonery was spreading! This was exactly how it happened last time! Full-grown adults who should have known better got swept up in the madness and wound up playing along with the most preposterous idiocy! Was there some kind of aura around these lowfolk that made people abandon all sense??

“Fine!” I barked, throwing up my hands in surrender. “Let’s do it! I’ll even help! Why not? Who cares if there are other, faster, safer ways to do this!? Would you like me to sing a song while we work??”

“There’s no need,” Ralph explained pleasantly. “We’ve got you covered.”

The lowfolk youths began singing their trademark song while they set to work on their moronic trap: “Fa-la-la-la-la, Where art thou?”

I covered my ears and groaned helplessly.

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