My mind raced. (Patreon)

With Slovenly and Folly's enhanced speed I had no hope of intercepting them, and I didn’t have the time to weave a gramarye to give myself super speed as well. Time slowed down as the hapless pair approached the palace entrance. Everything seemed to move at a crawl, except for Slovenly and Folly, who were moving at normal speed. I feebly lunged forward, my limbs flailing as if I was wading through molasses while I called out in impotent panic, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

In their panicked state the two idiots dashed into the entrance without a thought, seemingly forgetting the trap they themselves had helped to make. Predictably, they began slipping and stumbling on the round stones covering the floor. “WOOOOAAAAAH!!” Slovenly yelled.

“OH NO!" Ralph exclaimed in completely sincere shock. "Who could have predicted this??”

It all happened in the blink of an eye, but it seemed to go on forever. Slovenly and Folly stumbled forward right into the trip wire. Somehow Folly somersaulted up into the air and landed on Slovenly’s shoulders as he crashed face-first onto the serving cart. Their momentum immediately transferred to the cart and it leaped forward, its speed multiplied by the gramarye Rebecca and I had put on it. As the cart shot forward like a cannonball, it struck a crack in the floor and one of its wheels came flying off. Despite the magick trying to force the cart to move in a straight line, the laws of physics ultimately prevailed. With a wild trail of sparks flying up from metal dragging against stone, the cart began to deviate to the right.

Burnside clapped her hands and laughed uproariously.

The dullahan stood in the palace entrance and observed the spectacle within, scratching its billowing neck flame with its severed head in apparent confusion.

Because the cart had veered too much to the side, it crashed into the wooden frame instead of passing under the hooks hanging in the center. The flimsy, ancient wood splintered like toothpicks, and a mass of ropes with hooks dangling from the ends wrapped around Folly, Slovenly, and the cart. This should have stopped the cart's progress, but because of the magicks we had applied to counter that expected effect, it actually picked up speed.

“All of our careful planning, laid to ruin!" Maeve wailed. "I can’t believe this happened!”

The dullahan carefully tiptoed around the stones covering the floor, and casually stepped over the tripwire.

Somehow the hooks and ropes dragging behind the cart caused it to correct its course as it approached the pressure plate. However the cart’s excessive speed caused it to roll over the plate and fly past before the sheet of rubber could land on it and its riders. This was supposed to be the end of the whole ridiculous process, at which point the cart would stop. Instead the rubber landed on the hooks dragging behind the cart.

"My lord!" Rebecca shouted. "We have to do something!"

I realized that I didn’t have to move in slow motion any more, and broke into a sprint.

The dullahan stepped into an alcove to watch the chaos from a safe distance.

Burnside, realizing that the dullahan was standing next to her, jumped away instinctively. As she leaped into the passageway, a stray rope wrapped around her ankle, yanking her off her feet and towing her behind the runaway cart. “Aw, come on!” she whined.

As the cart continued to build up speed, the rubber sheet being dragged by the hooks began to catch air and billow up like a sail. For a second I hoped this would slow the contraption down, but instead it lifted the cart into the air, while somehow still maintaining its speed and trajectory.

“That’s not how flight works!!!" I protested indignantly. "We didn’t magick it to do that!!”

The cart flew around the room, knocking everything over and completely trashing the place. Burnside and Slovenly screamed helplessly as they spun around in the air. The ant squawked “MERTHY THAKETH, THLOVENLY!!!” and for once, nobody laughed.

“Hold on!" Phoebe declared. "I’ll fly up and undo the hooks!”

“Stop!" I warned. "That’s an idiotic idea-” Before I could finish, Phoebe flapped her wings and went airborne. She completely missed the ropes, and was immediately enveloped in the billowing rubber sheet which wrapped around her like a net.

So, I thought, that part of the plan would have actually worked.

“AHHHH!" Phoebe screeched, muffled by the entangling rubber. "Who could have foreseen this??”

The sudden weight in the makeshift rubber parasail disrupted the cart’s inexplicable aerodynamics, and it went careening into the ground. The three remaining wheels broke off, and a shower of sparks sprayed in the cart's wake as it scraped and swerved wildly across the stone floor. The sparks ignited some of the ropes, and the rubber sheet - with Phoebe still trapped inside - went tumbling away. Ralph and Maeve picked this moment to grab at the cart in an attempt to slow it down, but the sheet containing Phoebe crashed right into them, trapping all three in the clinging rubber. Rebecca managed to successfully grab the cart as it skidded past, but instead of slowing it down, she was yanked off her feet and taken along for the ride.

The cart careened into the next room which contained the talking statue. There was a resounding crash, followed by the mechanical voice announcing “I like my femmes the way I like my bones. DEAD AND CRUNCHY!”

I rushed forward to untangle the lowfolk from the rubber sheet, but suddenly a massive wad of ropes and hooks slammed into me from above. They must have come loose and fallen more slowly than the rubber sheet with Phoebe inside it. WHICH MADE NO SENSE!!!

I struggled to get out of my bonds, but somehow the ropes and hooks had landed in such a way that they completely tied me up with seemingly unbreakable knots. BLAST THOSE MEDDLING KIDS AND THEIR IDIOTIC AURA OF IDIOCY!

Then I noticed the dullahan looming over me, gloating as it raised its mace. How come the Folly Gang's stupidity didn't affect it? There was no point speculating now. My end was near. The worst part of it was that my death would be recorded in the Hall of Ancestors as the dumbest way anyone had ever died in Faerie’s history! Future generations (assuming there were any) would point at my monument and laugh!

...

Mercy Sakes, Slovenly! How will Adler get out of this one? Tune in next week for the final episode of this thrilling caper! And now for a word from our sponsors...

PREV www.patreon.com/posts/151514419