Some time passed. (Patreon)

I tried not to cringe as I observed Eltsac Mailliw in a full body cast, lying on a makeshift hospital bed and being attended by a Shrub field medic.

"Well then," I said, clearing my throat. “I’m sure we can all agree that things got a little out of hand back there. It escalated quickly. It really went up a notch. Even I myself got carried away in the heat of the moment. However, as I am a believer in Thorwald's Law, letting the punishment fit the crime and leaving justice in the hands of Imperial authorities, letting the Folly Gang break every bone in your body was clearly out of line. For this you have the heartfelt sympathy of the current acting emperor of Faerie.” I turned to the lowfolk youths. “Now what do you say?”

The Folly Gang shuffled their feet like a group of scolded school children and muttered, “Sorry…”

“Merthy thaketh, Thlovenly,” Folly-La croaked solemnly. The youths nodded in sad agreement.

Eltsac moaned unintelligibly.

“Do we need to apologize too, my lord?” Rebecca asked.

“No," I replied. "Ms. Thomson, as the party primarily wronged by Mr. Mailliw, was entitled to a few swings. You kicking him was an act of moral outrage by a member of the emperor's personal entourage, so that too is permissible.”

“I just like hurtin' people!” Burnside declared proudly.

“Elves do not lie," I glowered at her, "so asking you to sincerely apologize would be futile. By imperial decree, the three of you do not need to apologize. For attacking Eltsac Mailliw. Today," I added hastily, to prevent the decree from being interpreted to mean that they never had to apologize for anything ever again.

“I don’t think that actually needed to be an official decree,” Meadow opined.

"The emperor has spoken," I stated. "It can't be taken back now."

"Just be careful," Meadow said, giving me a Meaningful Look.

"Of course..." I muttered, wondering if I would come to regret bringing the Mouse Queen on staff. I turned back to the horribly injured fox on the table. “Eltsac Mailliw, your crimes are as follows: Squatting on imperial property, desecration of the dead, attempted assault of imperial subjects, attempted assault of the Imperial Person, vandalizing imperial property, driving an imperial employee to madness, and setting up an entertainment venue without proper licensing and authorization. How do you plead?”

Eltsac groaned in agony.

“Very well, I'll take that as a plea of No Contest. In light your crimes, I will now decide your punishment. I would first sentence you to be severely beaten, and er, conveniently that's already accomplished. Since your punishment has been meted out, your penance will be to clean up every piece of your horror displays and aid in the reconstruction of the city once your, ah, once your entire skeleton mends. Now then, the crown recognizes that you are an elf of rare artistic vision and incredible dedication to carrying out a project on a grand scale. It is a fine thing to support the arts, so if you impress me I may consider contracting you to redesign the imperial dungeons, to make them appropriately terrifying so that enemies of the empire will think twice before, uh, being enemies of the empire." There was a long awkward silence. “All right, Eltsac, don’t do it again without proper authorization. I shall leave you in the tender care of the Shrub Knights’ finest healing artisans.”

Which way is the elbow supposed to bend?” the Shrub medic rustled in confusion. Which fertilizer is best to use on fox? When is the best time to prune?"

“Let us all take our leave," I announced with regal finality. "There is much we must attend to.” I turned to go and everyone followed me, except for the medic's assistant, who came rustling in with some anatomical charts and a watering can clutched in its branches.

A few minutes later, we were all gathered around the Folly Gang’s Conundrum Contraption.

“That sure was a great Conundrum you helped us solve, Mr. Randall,” Ralph declared jovially.

“I’m sure you would think so,” I grumbled.

“The levels of technology you elves have boggles the mind," Maeve gushed. "I wish I had more time to study it.”

“It’s not technology," I reiterated for the umpteenth time. "Magick is real.”

"Man," Slovenly exclaimed, rubbing his belly. “All that canned elf food Folly and me ate sure was, like, delicious, but it’s like, nothing compared to my famous Mile High Everything In The Pantry Sandwich, man.”

“Merthy thaketh, Thlovenly!” Folly barked in agreement. All the lowfolk laughed.

“How are you so thin?” I wondered aloud. Slovenly was too busy guffawing to answer.

“I had a lot of fun,” Phoebe chirped vapidly.

“I had a lot of fun too," Rebecca grinned. "I’m so glad I met you all. Right, my lord?”

“It was an… Experience,” I admitted, keeping my expression blank.

“I’m plumb disappointed nobody died," Burnside shrugged. "But at least I got to hurt somebody!”

“I wish nothing but suffering on the tod that destroyed my mind,” Thomson muttered darkly while rubbing the dome of Mr. Caleveras’s skull.

“I still have no idea what’s going on," Meadow shrugged, "but at least it seems to be resolved.”

“Yes!” I exclaimed a little too loudly while clapping my hands together. “And now it’s time for all of you lowfolk youths and your talking ant to go home. Outside of Faerie. Very, very far away from me.”

I tapped my foot impatiently as the lowfolk piled into their eyesore of a carriage. The engine started with a bang and a belch of smoke, and Ralph steered the rattling machine out of the alleyway. I was prepared to guide them towards the city entrance and then to the scry tower, but Ralph immediately drove the machine into another alley directly across from the one they were parked in.

“That’s a dead end!” I shouted angrily. Hearing no response, I stomped into the alley to harangue the youths at closer range, only to see that they had vanished. The alley was empty, without a single trace that they had ever been there.

“My lord," Rebecca whispered behind me, "should we look for them?”

“No! No," I replied, shaking my head. "They're gone. That's good enough. I don’t want to know where they went, or how. Let’s just get out of here.”

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