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Xavier Hoardblemish (Patreon)

Published:
2026-09-08 01:15:16
Imported:
2026-09
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intensely studied me for an uncomfortable amount of time. The bizarre effect of his hairy visage without his customary wizard hat (which he had hung on a rack before sitting behind his desk) was quite unnerving. He certainly had the traditional look of a sorceror down pat. Was he trying to use Elfmind? Was it even possible for a lowfolk to do that? I did my best to mute my thoughts, just in case. As he continued to peer at me, I became increasingly self-conscious. Was there something on my face? There shouldn’t be; I had just had a shower. Was it my pores? Skincare hadn't been a priority for a long time, and- wait, how could he see my pores through my fur? WAS I GOING BALD?? I could not resist nervously patting my face and scalp, just to be sure...

“It’s nothing serious, Mr. Young," Hoarblemish finally sighed, leaning back in his chair. "I'm somewhat astonished that anyone would know of this matter, but more than that, I'm disappointed. I was hoping to save my most impressive discovery for the last leg of the tour, when it would produce the greatest effect - right after I showed you my personal relic collection, the new wall sconces, and all the new chairs in the classrooms.”

I paused mid-pat with my hands hovering near my head. His tour had already included chairs and potted plants, and he was planning to show me all the remaining chairs and sconces? How long was this tour supposed to take??

With one final pat (just to be sure) I spoke: “Rest assured that no one in your employ, nor social circle, told me of your discovery. I have in MY employ people who may or may not - I haven’t decided yet - see more than ordinary people do. I was told that in your alembic you possessed a stone, but I can at least assure you that I don’t know specifically what this stone might be.”

“Your source does indeed see more than most," Xavier admitted. "For my part, I see no need to beat about the bush any longer, sir: I have completed the Great Work, the fabled Magnum Opus in the original sense of the phrase. Through a lifetime of research, trial and error, and a few lucky breaks, I have discovered The Philosopher’s Stone.”

“You actually found it?” I gasped in astonishment. "THE Philosopher’s Stone?" I was stunned. This elusive artifact was something that many elves had also spent their entire lives chasing. A lowfolk alchemist making this breakthrough was monumental. Perhaps the lowfolk truly were more capable than we elves had given them credit for…

“As a scholar of the arcane arts yourself," Hoardblemish continued, "I’m sure you are already aware, but the Philosopher’s Stone is not actually a stone, nor even an object you can find. It is an alchemical process that produces a substance - Perfected Matter - which can be used for nearly anything: Turning lead into gold, reversing aging, curing any disease, completely changing the chemical makeup of any substance it touches. The Stone itself is unlike anything the modern sciences can quantify. Naturally, being magickal, it defies the mundane understanding of matter, elements, and chemistry. It somehow hovers in a state between a liquid and the finest powder imaginable. Imagine flour ground so fine that it runs like a near-weightless fluid. Its color is difficult to perceive. After hours of observing it, the best I can describe is that it manages to be the deepest red and purest white at the same time. Not mixed together, but two distinct colors occupying the same space and retaining their hue without blending. I have done some limited experiments. I de-aged myself about 3 to 5 years just to see what would happen. I deliberately infected myself with influenza and then cured myself. I cured a man of his tuberculosis and then had him swear to secrecy, and I turned a few metals into other metals .. not gold of course .. but my supply of the substance is limited and the process to make it is lengthy and difficult to reproduce. The Philosopher’s Stone is powerful indeed, but exactly how do you think it will be able to stop, or as you said, limit the damage of the Herzogin’s entire war machine?”

I pondered for a few moments. My Ixies had informed me that the Duchess’s most devastating and terrifying weapon was a gas that very, very painfully dissolved flesh. The exact wording of Thomson’s (or should I say Mr. Calaveras'?) prophecy was that I would "find in the headmaster's alembic the mystical stone that turns the stench of death into the fragrance of spring." It seemed like divine providence that the headmaster's discovery was the exact do-anything tincture that alchemists had been seeking since the dawn of time.

“Fuma works in mysterious ways, my friend," I chuckled mysteriously, "and I believe we are both doing the Lady’s will…”

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Comments

Decadent Arsenic

I'm going to venture a guess to say that Hoardblemish's formulae for reproducing the Philosopher's stone has, since the time of Adler's relating this tale, been lost to history.

Walter Reimer

A counter to a gas that dissolves flesh . . . HE'S DISCOVERED BEANO!

tegerio

That's assuming history ever had it to begin with! The procedure for obtaining the Stone is a secret that cannot be told; it can only de discovered. This is not due to obscurantism on the part of alchemists, but to the memetic nature of the secret itself which prevents anyone understanding it without doing the work of finding it on their own. FROM SCRATCH

typeandkey

>An audience member raises their hand and speaks up. (Decadent): I'm going to venture a guess to say that Hoardblemish's formulae for reproducing the Philosopher's stone has, since the time of Adler's relating this tale, been lost to history. >Present Day Adler: You are suddenly dressed like Wise Professor Skunk and tap the blackboard with a pointer stick as you give a technical and informative answer. (Tegerio): That's assuming history ever had it to begin with! The procedure for obtaining the Stone is a secret that cannot be told; it can only de discovered. This is not due to obscurantism on the part of alchemists, but to the memetic nature of the secret itself which prevents anyone understanding it without doing the work of finding it on their own. FROM SCRATCH. . . . >Adler: You are quietly pleased with how mysterious your previous statement was. It was important to be a bit theatrical during meetings. You waited for Xaiver to respond. He just sat there waiting expectantly. Why was he- Oh… Right… He doesn’t have all the information you do. Well, a dramatic pause is theatrical too. You try to clear your throat in a regally mysterious manner. “Well, uh- Right. As I mentioned, I have informants that have filled me in on the Duche- uh, Herzogen’s arsenal. The one that concerns me most… She has a chemical weapon, a gas that destroys the eyes, the lungs, and dissolves flesh. A terrifying, evil weapon that I have no doubt she will use. In fact, I can say with certainty that she will use it with impunity on soldiers and civilians alike. >Xavier: You lean back in your chair. Your face is a mix of emotions: shock, horror, disgust, and disbelief. “That… Stars above… What kind of sadistic monster would concoct such a thing? How much of the stuff does she have?” >Adler: “My informants did not give me an exact amount, but they described it like she had massive stores of the stuff. I’m sure she views it as her ‘Ace in the hole’ that she will use as a blunt instrument to terrify rival factions into surrendering and submitting to her will.” >Xavier: You tilt your head. “I am aware that the Herzogen is an unscrupulous character, but how can you be so sure on exactly how she plans to use it?” >Adler: You steeple your fingers and glance upward at the ceiling, you need to consider your words carefully. It is imperative that Xavier understands the true gravity of the situation. The Duchess is an existential threat to both worlds. You can feel in your gut that there is an invisible clock ticking down to what may well be doomsday. There is no time to drip feed information, you’re just going to have to be blunt. Yo look back at Xavier. “You have proven yourself to be a gifted and knowledgeable scholar many times over… Tell me, what do you know about the Duchess of Daises?” >Xavier: You visibly wince at the name. “Her name has come up many times during my research of Elven history and texts. She is a power hungry sadist the likes of which makes every tyrant and warlord in Earth’s history look like schoolyard bullies in comparison. Her scorn, brutality, lust for power, and gleeful evil knows no limits… Surely you are not implying that the Herzogen is-” >Adler: “Yes.” You nod solemnly. “The Herzogen is none other then the Duchess of Daisies. Her plan is to conquer the lowf- erm, the Earth by any means necessary, and then I have no doubt she will use the Earth’s combined resources to march into Faerie and make it her own as well. With Faerie in the weakened and shattered state it is, it would be child’s play.” >Xavier: You look down at your desk, your face a mask of deep cogitation. You look back up to Adler. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but… Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. How is it that you are so certain that the infamous villain from the elves ancient history is alive and well, took over an entire Earthly nation, and is hellbent on global domination?” >Adler: Time for the big dramatic reveal. It’s not very elfly to reveal your nature twice in the same day, but Xavier has proven himself to be reliable and discrete. You lean forward as if to reveal the plot twist of the century. “My word is my bond, Mr. Hoardblemish, and elves do not lie.” You wait for the desired effect. >Xavier: You once again wait expectantly… A few moments pass. “And?” You ask, still waiting for the big reveal. >Adler: You blink, visible deflated. “And?” You repeat back in confusion. >Xavier: “Well, it was obvious from the start that you are an elf. Showing up out of nowhere, with knowledge you shouldn’t posses, and offering aid in a time of need is a classic elf thing to do. They love making deals and playing games. Also, you posses an astounding mastery and knowledge of magick for one that appears to be as young as you are. The gold you donated was all coins minted with the faces of elven kings and emperors on them. You also keep deliberately almost allowing yourself to refer to people as lowfolk, a comman name elves use for mundane folk. And, the way Edessa spoke to you made it clear that you two have a history. Obviously these were all deliberately laid clues to test my reliability and loyalty in keeping your secret.” >Adler: You sit there for a moment. “Well… Good. You are reliable and loyal. Thank you for keeping my secret.”