Yes, you there in the back. (Patreon)

I assume you have a burning question that is so important it's worth interrupting my tale.

A decadent-looking individual stands up and speaks: "I'm going to venture a guess to say that Hoardblemish's formula for reproducing the Philosopher's stone has, since the time of you relating this tale, been lost to history."

That's assuming history ever had it to begin with! The procedure for obtaining the Stone is a secret that cannot be told; it can only de discovered. This is not due to obscurantism on the part of alchemists, but to the memetic nature of the secret itself which prevents anyone understanding it without doing the work of finding it on their own. I could tell you the secret right now - for all you know, I ALREADY HAVE - but to the uninitiated it would be nothing but silly nonsense having no more significance than a slapstick pie-fight.

Now then, if I may continue the story?

. . .

I was quietly pleased with how mysterious my previous statement (about Fuma's will and all) had been. It was important to be a bit theatrical during meetings, especially with lowfolk. I waited for Xavier to respond. He just sat there staring expectantly. What was he waiting for? Oh… Right… I recalled that he didn’t have all the information I did. No matter, a dramatic pause was theatrical too. I shifted in my chair and cleared my throat in a regally mysterious manner. “AHERM. Well, uh- Right. As I mentioned, I have informants that have filled me in on the Duche- uh, Herzogin’s arsenal. The one item that concerns me most is this: She has a chymical weapon, a gas that destroys the eyes, the lungs, and dissolves flesh. A terrifying, evil weapon that I have no doubt she will use. In fact, I can say with certainty that she will use it indiscriminately and without hesitation on soldiers and civilians alike."

Xavier leaned back in his chair. Even beneath its shaggy, obscuring veil of hair, his face conveyed a mix of emotions: Shock, horror, disgust, and disbelief. “That… Stars above… What kind of sadistic monster would concoct such a thing? How much of the stuff does she have?”

“My informants did not tell me an exact amount," I admitted, "but the way they described it sounds like she has massive stores of the stuff. I’m sure she views it as her ‘Ace in the hole’ that she will use as a blunt instrument to terrify rival factions into surrendering and submitting to her will.”

“I am aware that the Herzogin is an unscrupulous character," Hoardblemish muttered darkly, "but how can you be so sure of the exact way she plans to use it?”

I rubbed my chin and glared earnestly at Xavier while he leaned forward and met my gaze with a serious stare of his own. I needed to consider my next words very carefully. It was imperative to make him understand the true gravity of the situation. “Headmaster Hoardblemish, you have proven yourself to be a gifted and knowledgeable scholar many times over. Tell me, what do you know about the Duchess of Daisies?”

He visibly winced. “The name has come up many times during my research of Elven history and texts. She is a power hungry sadist to make every tyrant and warlord in Earth’s history look like schoolyard bullies in comparison. Her scorn, brutality, lust for power, and gleeful evil know no limits… Surely you are not implying that the Herzogin is-”

"I'm more than implying it," I nodded solemnly. “Herzogin Katerina von Ganzeblumchen is none other than Catherine O'Daisies, the diabolical Duchess of Daisies and onetime ruler of the Gladsome Antglade. Her plan is to conquer the lowf- erm, the Earth by any means necessary, after which I have no doubt she will use the Earth’s combined resources to march into Faerie and make it her own as well. With Faerie in the weakened and shattered state it is presently in, it would be child’s play.”

Xavier look down at his desk, in deep thought for a moment. He looked back up at me. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, sir… but extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. How are you so certain that the infamous villain from Elvish ancient history is alive and well, somehow took over an entire Earthly nation, and is hellbent on global dominion?”

Reluctantly I decided it was time for a big dramatic reveal. It wasn't very elfly to reveal my nature twice in the same day, but drastic times called for drastic measures. Xavier had proven himself to be reliable and discreet. I placed one hand upon my breast and raised another in the air, in the universal gesture of absolute candor and sincerity. “My word is my bond, Mr. Hoardblemish, and elves do not lie.”

I waited for the desired effect.

A few moments passed.

“And?” Hoardblemish finally asked, apparently expecting something more.

“And?” I repeated in some slight confusion.

“Well, it was obvious from the start that you were an elf," Xavier shrugged. "Showing up out of nowhere, with knowledge you shouldn’t posses, and offering aid in a time of need ... all classic elf behaviors. Their - I mean your - love of making deals and playing games is proverbial. Also, you posses an astounding mastery and knowledge of magick for one as young as you appear to be. The gold you donated was all coins minted with the faces of elven kings and emperors on them. You also keep deliberately almost allowing yourself to refer to people as lowfolk, a common name elves use for mundane folk. The way Queen Edessa spoke to you made it clear that you two have a history. And that bodymagick professor you recommended, Zandar Skönk, is an elf as well. Obviously these were all deliberately laid clues to test my reliability and loyalty in keeping your secret. Rest assured, I have told no-one. Even exchanging the gold was less of a problem than I thought it would be. No awkward questions were ever asked ... at least none that I couldn't easily deflect.”

I sat there stunned for a moment, chilled to my core by the realization that I had been FAR less subtle than I had thought all along. “Well…" I managed to drawl in a convincingly casual tone, "Good. You passed the test. You are reliable and loyal. Thank you for keeping my secret.”

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