Xavier picked up a strange pair of goggles (Patreon)

with attachments that allowed multiple lenses to be positioned in front of the eyes. He fiddled with them for a few seconds, then handed them to me.

I slid the goggles on and gazed at the Philosopher’s Stone once more. It looked exactly the same, but now I could stare at it without straining my eyes. While continuing to gaze, I asked, “I know the nature of the Stone prevents you from telling me the process, but what was the breakthrough that led you to this?”

“Well, it was actually you who gave me the idea," Xavier replied, beaming with barely constrained scholarly pride. "You see, when we first met I was at the end of my rope. I had spent my entire adult life chasing the Stone with little to show for it. As you know, the hunt for the Stone is well documented by countless alchemists since written word first began, but the nature of the Stone prevents people from openly sharing the secret. I can tell you quite plainly that the marriage of sulphur and mercury must take place within the vessel, and their resultant offspring, the mystical hermaphrodite, must be killed, buried, and resurrected. Every alchemist knows this, but only those who have carried out the operation successfully will understand what it means. What is clear as day - now - to me will be impenetrably cryptic to anyone not, ah, shall we say 'initiated.' And no matter how clearly I try to explain, it will still seem like nonsense to them. I have spent a considerable portion of my mortal life conducting my own research, yet I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have spent less time searching than most. Of course,” he coughed, holding up his hands in a show of humility, “I am not implying myself to be above my fellows in the craft. What I mean to say is that I found a shortcut.”

"A shortcut?" I asked, lifting the goggles from my eyes and looking at Xavier skeptically. “How can there be shortcuts in alchemy? I would have thought the nature of the Stone prevents all attempts at corner cutting.”

“Well, shortcut, perhaps, is not the right word," Hoardblemish waffled. "Loophole, let's say. I found a loophole that was critical in expediting the process. As you also know, the identity of the Prima Materia is the first mystery that any aspiring alchemist must solve. What is the 'common substance' one starts with? Can it truly be anything? I am of the opinion that it can, but some materials are much more difficult to start with than others. The magickal nature of the stone prevents the exact recipe from being shared freely with anyone who doesn’t already know, but I realized that the Stone’s nature does not prevent people from recording what the recipe isn’t. There are countless texts documenting the many, many failures of others seeking the process. I took note of these failures and used them to focus my search while avoiding those already-documented dead ends. This cut years, perhaps decades off my experiments.”

I raised my eyebrows. Leave it to a lowfolk to find a way to game the system. “Where do I come in? In what way did I inspire your breakthrough?”

“As I said, when we first met, I had exhausted every avenue of study, or so I thought. I could accurately tell you every detail of what the Philosopher’s Stone isn’t and how it is not made. Following that line of experimentation, knowing what methods were guaranteed to fail beforehand and avoiding them, I made many promising discoveries of materials that were close to, but not THE Philosopher’s Stone. Some of these materials had fascinating properties, but they were not the true Philosopher’s Stone. I had tried every logical route my studies took me, but every time the final product was an imperfect copy of but a single facet of the true Stone. I kept hammering away at the problem, but with an increasing sense of futility. When you and I met, you mentioned to me that you dabbled a little in alchemy. As I recall, your approximate words were, ‘All I know is that you should not steam gunpowder.’ At first, I merely took your statement as a humble anecdote, but as time went on and more and more failures filled up my lab, I kept thinking back to what you said. I had every reason to suspect you were an elf; was this a hint from a mysteriously benevolent magickal being? I was in the final phase of discovery, the phase in which most alchemists give up, or spend their lives floundering without ever breaking through. The Stone was nearly in my grasp, but all the logical methods and applications were failing. Then I considered something I hadn’t before. What if the final step wasn’t anything logical, but something completely spontaneous and, if you’ll excuse me for saying so, completely foolish? Explosives have been around for as long as civilization, but their application to firearms is, in historic terms, a recent development. The method for creating black powder has remained mostly unchanged since its discovery centuries ago. I decided there was no harm in trying. At the very least, I would have a humorous anecdote like yours to share afterwards ... but to my utter amazement, it worked. The key to understanding the entire process, the secret ingredient that makes everything click in the mind, the foundation, the signpost that points the correct route to its discovery ...” he paused for dramatic effect. “The key is steaming gunpowder.”

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