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I rubbed my face (Patreon)

Published:
2024-03-08 03:18:55
Edited:
2024-03-15 01:50:03
Imported:
2026-08
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with an exasperated gesture.  I wasn't sure what "Penny Stocks" were, but it sounded frivolous and highly speculative.

"Are you all right, sir?" the Ixie asked solicitously.

"Yes, I'll be fine," I sighed.  "You mentioned Uncle Ash.  Is that Ash Marten, the Unseelie old fox ever ready with a devious scheme and a sinister plot?"

"The very one," she confirmed.

"Then I suppose he survived and Burnside did not," I muttered ruefully, not sure which of the two outcomes would have been preferable.

"Do you mean Burnside the Raccoon Monster, sir?  The famous assassin?"

"Yes," I nodded sadly.

"Ash had to evade her for a long time until he could prove he wasn't a traitor," the Ixie informed me.  "After that they formed an Uneasy Alliance, which I'm told is a time-honored Unseelie tradition."

"What about Rebecca the witch?" I asked, hopefully.  "Did she turn out to be a Changeling elf after all?  Oh, and there was a skunk femme, Vernier, married a chap by the name of O'Dor ..."

"No offense, sir, but there will be ample time to catch up on all of this after you've seen to your guests and their undoubtedly Vital Mission."

"Oh yes," I replied, returning my focus to the Business At Hand.  "There is something the Ominous Orse may be able to help me with, pertaining to that."  (I gave her the address in Londinium.)  "Can you see to it that the place is empty when my lowfolk agents arrive?  And can you tail them while they carry out their assignment?"

"Consider it done, sir," the Ixie responded with a confident thumbs-up gesture.  I dismissed her.  She saluted and flew off into the forest.

After that, I strolled around the dolmen, back to where Venatrix and Barkinghtwaite were still waiting.

"Sorry about the delay," I started to say.

"My love for you is equal to the mass of the earth divided by the circumference of the moon multiplied by the distance between Mars and Saturn," Barkingthwaite murmured (not in response to me, of course.)

"Yes, well," Venatrix sighed.  "The volume of the ocean added to the mass of the Earth multiplied by the circumference of the sun is not even equal to one-eight of a fraction of the amount of love I feel for you, my darling."

What a bunch of fanciful nonsense!  I certainly was glad that elvish courtship was nothing like this.

"AHEM!" I barked loudly, and the two of them sprung apart as if they had been zapped with an electrical cantrip.

"Ah, er," Barkingthwaite stammered, adjusting his tie.  "Did everything come out all right, my lord?"

"The inhabitants at the address I gave you are going to be dealt with by other means," I informed them.  "All you will have to do is go there, carry out my instructions, and bring Zandar back here to me.  Is there any additional clarification you require?"

They said that they understood the assignment, but I explained it again just in case their love-addled brains had missed any important details.  Then I sent them on their way.

After that, I sat down to wait ... or at least I tried.  I found it almost impossible to relax with the final realization of my goal so close at last!

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Walter Reimer

(Adler): "I won't be stopped! I'm too near my goal!" (Bluebottle, blows whistle): "OFFSIDE!"

typeandkey

>Adler: Time passes and you wait. Days, weeks? It doesn't matter. You have waited entire lifetimes for this moment, you can wait a few hours more... >Adler: As you meditate inside the mezzanine you hear rustling in the trees and approaching footsteps. Excellent! They're here! You're finally getting out! After so long, you're finally going to be free! >???: "What is this place?" >Adler: You don't recognize that voice. That must be her. Quickly compose yourself. You'll need to put on a good show for this one, especially if you're going to get her to free you. Thankfully all the time you spent talking to Roger and Pellia worked wonders on helping you get your faculties back. You feel fully in control in your thoughts and you feel assured that you won't act like a goofy idiot that doesn't know how to talk to people. >Roger: "It's a gateway to his Lordship's domain." >Adler: Ah-ha. That's Roger. Well, time to make a dignified, calm entrance worthy of an emperor- *CRACK!* A stone pelts you right between the eyes with the force of a rocket. That Roger has a really good throwing arm. >Adler: "Buh..." Your thoughts become a jumbled mess again as the haze of brain damage takes hold. >Adler: "Whuh happened?" Why are your ears ringing? Oh, well, time to make your dignified, regel entrance to convince Zandar that you are a sane and trustworthy individual. *deep breath* "WHO DISTURBS THE TRANQUILITY!!!" There, that'll show her how reasonable and even tempered you are. >Pellia: "Your servants Pellia and Roger, my lord, come to report the successful completion of their task." >Adler: Those crazy love-birds actually did it! This is the best day ever! Truly you are a wise leader indeed, you have an eye for talent. Don't lay the congratulations on too thick, though. Ease them into it. "Ah good. You'll have brought the woman, haven't you?" Oh, that's a good line. Be mysterious about it. >Roger: "We have, my lord." >Adler: Alright, time for your entrance. Don't blow it. You stumble forward, still feeling a little loopy and brain-addled from whatever happened a minute before. You probably stood up too fast. You decide to ride the mysterious persona you just now decided you have and approach the entrance in a shadowy manner. Mysterious AND Dignified. You wish you thought of this kind of schtick before. As you step into the light, you decide to give another dignified, mysterious line. "Excellent." *You make sure to accentuate every syllable so they all know just how mysterious you are.* >Adler: You step into the light and see Zandar for the first time. Your very first face-to-face communication. You must say something to gain her trust. Something meaningful to let her know that she is expected to let her guard down around you. "Yes, looking good." You say in a mysteriously regal, but trustworthy way. You would have also added, 'have you lost weight?', but that wouldn't make sense since you've never met before. >Zandar: Is this guy for real? Did these two bring you all the way out here to meet a simpleton? >Adler: That look she's giving you. She's already smitten with you. With only a few words she is already like putty in your hands. Time to reward the best agents/servants/minions you've ever had. "Arise my children, delight of my old age." By Fuma, you are KILLING it with this mysterious schtick.