The Community Writes Everyone's a Catgirl! (Patreon)

Author's Note: This was a reward from Ravyn's re:Debut stream back in May. I kept forgetting to post it until now. Enjoy!

Matt’s iPaw starts ringing. A phone call?!

Dingo!

Matt glances down at his iPaw to find Tristan’s name on the screen.

“Hewwo?” Matt answers in an UwU voice.

“Matt! There are monsters and zombies attacking my place! I need you to live up to your full-life consequences!” Tristan ejaculates.

“Oh wait,” Tristan says. The sound of screeching steel echoes on the call. Matt fervently awaits to see what happens. “Okay, false alarm. Ceres is here.”

Ceres arrives and crushes the monster and absconds with Matt. 

“My turn!” Ceres screams.

“I’ll have to call my friend John Freeman, who is Gordon Freeman’s brother. We will need his help to handle this,” says Matt.

Matt picks up the phone and calls his friend, John Feerman—who is Gordon Freeman’s brother—and screams at top of lungs, “My friend is in trouble there!”

“New phone who dis?” John Freeman replies. “Come help me, Obi-Wan Freeman, you’re our only hope.”

Matt gets another call from Matt’s mother, so he gulps and puts John Freeman on hold.

“YOU’RE STILL ALIVE? AND YOU DIDN’T COME TO MY MOTHER’S DAY PARTY?” Matt’s mother screams. “You must suck at parking with me,” Matt’s mother says. “This is because you forgot to buy me a Mother’s Day gift,” she continues.

Before Matt can answer, a raccoon bursts through the window.

“Oh shit, what’s up, Maon?” Matt fist bumps the raccoon.

The raccoon starts painting on Matt’s face with finger paint.

“What are doing?” Matt asks.

“Tasting you with my eyes,” the racoon explains, “This is where I keep the treasure. Follow the map… I drew it on your forehead!”

“But Maon, I can’t see my forehead,” Matt cries in sorrow.

Ceres is curious where the treasure is! “MY TURN!”

And OFF THEY GO!

Matt gets in motorcycle because that’s where he is.

“Matt, you baka, where is my booze?” Ravyn asks.

As Matt hugs Ceres–who is driving the motorcycle–he still hears his mother screaming from the IPAW.

“WHERE IS MY MOTHER’S DAY PRESENT?”

“Treasure can buy many booze,” Matt sagely answers.

They follow the treasure map, which leads them to a swamp. A large green man appears. “What are you DOING in my SWAMP?”

And also Twawion was there.

Ceres takes sickle and stares at the large green man.

 Matt holds out the iPaw and gives it to the green man. “Please…hold this.” And Ceres and Matt go deeper into the swamp, the green man stunned, and afraid of Matt’s Mother.

Matt sighs as his hard planes disappear when he drinks more booze.

“Make that Twawion,” Matt sighs.

“Twaiwion, what do we do?” Ceres asks, with sickle over her head.

“Oh no, my ex,” said the green man in scaredness. “I THOUGHT I GOT AWAY!”

“I’ve only been paying half attention to this chaos and lordy,” Admiral Shadow Lord of the Deepest Darkest Pit Sky says.

“She’s still after my alimony,” the green man says. “Matt, yes!”

Matt looks between all sudden players and cocks his head. 

Ceres is still ready with her sickle. Ceres cuts them both off with a shout. “Enough! Focus on the treasure!”

Ravyn finds a box. Is this a treasure? They open it and find a peice of paper which reads, ‘The real treasure is friendship,.’ “BAKA!” Ravyn’s screeches as she blows up the box in super-anger.

“No, this is Patrick!”

 Twaiwion nods at her rage. “I have a better idea, the treasure may actually be the alimony! You must work out a deal with the green man.”

Saoirse calls down from the heavens, “This has been a great entertainment, have an egg in this trying time, Cannoli.”

Cannoli, who teleports in, gasps eyes of wide. “Wow. Egg could make any woman rich beyond measure.”

Cannoli cooks the egg in pancakes. “We can find a good Alimony agreement over breakfast!”

Ai calls out from the iPaw, “Matt, I have a bonus quest for you. You must hit the griddy. Consequences of failure are death.”

Elix walks into the room. “Sorry, I had to go outside to help my father. What have I missed since the end of the reading?”

The green man pounds Elix into a pulp.

Ravyn calls, “What’s the griddy, and why are we hitting it?”

The green man stands over Elix. “MY name is Griddy! And I…” he breathes heavily, “Am your father!”

Elix looks up at him, his courage shot. “Glad I could contribute to something.”

Matt, a quirked-up white boy with a little bit of swag, busts it down sexual style. He is goated with the sauce.

Elix screams, “THEN WHO WAS OUTSIDE?!?!?”

Cailu spawns in out of sheer disappointment of Matt, hovering above him in a T-pose. “Boy, what the hell are you doin’? You are as they say, not goated with the sauce.”

“‘Twas I, your Father’s husband,” says the outside man.

The Raccoon answers Elix from the trashcan, “Sorry! I was just looking for cake.”

Ravyn asks Ryan why he hasn’t bought her books yet.

“Cake?!” Ceres’s PTSD kicks in.

Ryan’s only response is, “I should buy them.” He looks at the ground. “But Ravyn, I’m broke. You know this. Which brings us back to our original problem… So about this alimony…”

Matt regrets not putting more Levels into intelligence as his griddy save fails, and he is forced to continue hitting it while Cailu berates him with disappointment.

No, green man is Matt’s Mom’s ex.

“AND MY FATHER,” Elix says.

“The lore in this is so deep,” Caleb says.

“Hey, Mom? Can I borrow some money? I need about three fiddy,” Matt hesitantly asks.

The iPaw suddenly fries, and tentacles form from the evil of the Matt-mom-form.

“Who’s Jeff?” Cannoli says.

“Jeffather,” Saoirse replies.

“Did someone say tentacles?” YOmi says as she appears from the cabinet.

It is as they say… Goated with the sauce. 

The alimony hangs in the air like a thick fog, weighing heavy on all of their shoulders.

Tentacle Matt’s Mom is now scared after seeing YOmi appearnceing so suddenly. She is afraid of the look the dark preist’s eyes. 

“That girl ain’t right,” Ryan says. “The alimony may not be worth it.”

Bally grows to the size of Godzilla. “Squak! Am big boi!” 

But Ravyn! That’s a classic Hank Hill quote!

Cannoli’s pulls the pancakes out on a plate. But Buttons eats all the pancakes and burps flames and glitter that distills the alimony in a massive pile of Bells.

“OOOOOOOH MONEY,” everyone screams as they dive for the money and shovel it into their pockets.

“I think we’ve entered the fourth layer of hell,” Carmine says, “where cohesive thoughts go to die.” He waves a set of glowsticks.

Elix sits down, talking with the green man. “I’m just wondering what drugs I took to get here.”

“The guuuuuud stuff,” NDJackSparrow sagely says, “I can set you up with some more if you wants.”

“Where is Toast in this story?” Toast asks.

“I’m eating some toast,” Carmine says. “It’s brioch.”

“Kinky,” NDJackSparrow says.

“How meta are we getting?” Tim wonders.

Matt, Ceres, the green man, Ravyn, Cannoli, Ai, YOmi, the tentacle, and Saoirse wonder the same. 

“I spell mu bread however I damn well please,” Carmine says.

“We’re getting downright metaphysical today I’m afraid,” Twawion says.

“I’m carmine explodes leaving just a smol, chubby grey cat.”

Michael Jackson passes by. “Hee hee!” he sings. Everyone’s spirits are lifted.

Elix just starts to laugh as he slowly goes insane. A traincar filled with Bally, Ravyn, Matt, Ravyn, Bally, Matt, Ravyn, Matt, Bally, Ravyn passes by.

“Ai! Clip that!” Matt shouts.

+5 SPIRIT.

“[User Matthew], I cannot clip that, as you haven’t bought the premium subscription. Simply give me your credit card and I can sort it out.”

“Ai, show me the nearest taco hell,” Matt says as his stomach aches.

“Really Matt, a real man would go to Arbys,” Cailu judges.

“Bell card?” Toast asks.

Twaiwion begins monologuing in the background, “What is the nature of insanity? Is Fiction but an outflowing of the insanity of the tortured human mind?”

“I wants a happy meal,” Cannoli says with puppy dog eyes, looking at Matt.

Mama steals Matt’s iPaw.

Cailu–still T-posing–floats towards Matt and says, “We must go, my child,” and Lyfts Matt toward Arbys.

Matt tries to order a Happy Meal, but his Bell card is declined, as Ai syphons all Matt’s Bells into an offshore account.

“Not enough wine,” Ravyn calls.

“Cinema!” Tim says, throwing his arms into the air. “Absolute cinema!”

A single tear rolls down Matt’s cheek. In a cool, manly way—not pathetic at all. He is NOT insecure. Matt gets stuck running at thirty frames a second. 

Bally screams. 

“Ooof, ouch. My frames.” Matt looks at the sunset with a manly passion, “A real man is more than his Bells.” Not really broke at all or insecure.

Tim wonders what is happening. Bally shuts down.

“Do not cry, my boy,” Cailu says. “Real men have the meat.”

The giant Bally grabs the most important thing he can find, a box of wine, and flies away to new lands.

Matt decides this is a good time to check in on his NFT investments. Perhaps it’s time to cash in. “Oh no! My apes!” Matt cries.

The blockchain has broken, and his NFTs are leaking out. They have been Ctrl + C and then Ctrl + V all over the land!

Cailu’s face darkens. “Pathetic.”

Ceres wonders how this situation devolved in such away, and wonders if leaving with Matt such a good idea. 

“Who needs a [Cat Pack] when you can have a [Gat Pack]?” Matt says as he pulls out a glock.

Tristan come in flying a pop plane with a flag saying, “Call this number if you want me to paint you like one of my French Matt’s!”

Matt turns pale. He is deathly afraid of French people. By the way, a prop plane = a propeller plane.

“Not now, Tristan! I am trying to get a Happy Meal!” Matt cries.

“Weee wee! Sir Matt!” A random French person says, spawning in, smoking a cigarette, and speaking his incoherent language.

“AHHHHHHHH!” Matt says calmly. 

The French man saunters toward Matt confidently. Tristan pulls out his sketch book and starts drawing the scene. Matt begins foaming at the mouth, but plays it cool. The French man laughs until he cries.

“These magic mushrooms ain’t shit,” says Keke while ushering Cannoli to try one.

The French man challenges Matt to a baguette fight.

Cailu returns with the meat. “I am the meat man. My meat is delicious.”

Cannoli declinds. “The mushrooms do mix with the coke very well, Keke. It upsets my stomach.”

“Engarde!” Tim says, not realizing he was not the one challenged.

Cailu teleports to Tristan. “My boi, why doth thou mingle with these mortals…? I found another settlement that needs your help… Here, I’ll marknitnin your map.”

Epic baguette sword fight ensues.

Cailu sees the French “person,” and assumes from his strange dress that he is a noble. His eyes turn red.

Someone tell Preston Garvey to get out of here, Elix thinks.

“Settlement?” The green man turns pale. “Is the alimony catching up at last?”

“Knowing the French baguette might be a real sword if you know what I mean,” the green man says.

John Nasa crash-lands next to the group in his space moon capsule. Tee hee! He thinks. John Maden FOOTBALL!

Twaiwion continues monologuing, “What is on topic? Is it nothing but a single running theme, weaving through the incoherent nightmare? Is a topic, in the end, beyond the reach of our poor, weak minds?”

“Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law,” Carmine advises.

“Hey guys. Turns out the treasure was on the moon the whole time. Here you go,” John Nasa says.

Matt stabs the French man mortally with his baguette.

“In his baguette,” Carmine corrects.

Ravyn wakes up with a massive headache… “OH, FUCKS! TOO MUCH WINE!”

But then she turns to the window and sees the green man. DUN DUN DUN.

TO BE CONTINUED…?