silver dollar inn (2023) (Patreon)

The Silver Dollar Inn in Haugan, MT, is a 40-room hotel off of Exit 16 on I-90. It has an associated gas station, and so I have stopped there repeatedly on my many travels between Idaho and Seattle.  It is sort of a halfway point (about six hours from Seattle, which puts it at five from Salmon; the two-and-a-half hours from Missoula to Salmon are always the hardest part of the trip, however, and so when I reach the Silver Dollar, I feel like it is the difficulty halfway point). 

Have you ever looked at a picture of an old apartment you rented with an ex you don't really speak to and just cried? That's this image for me. I have no fondness for this rest stop, but I feel conflicted knowing I probably won't see it again. 

I don't know how to feel about a lot of things like this. Even when I think a move has been good for me - and I truly believe this is a good move for me - I find myself wistful for the past, like the mere act of recollection makes me tear up. 

I always wondered if that was something related to the lost chances to fix things, to get the do-over that finally makes it right, that makes me thrive in a place I never could thrive in, but I know there's nothing else I could have done for the past year. I stuck it out much longer than I should have and I tried as much as I could have to make Idaho work. It clear was never going to. Why do I still feel somewhat sad about moving on?

It's not sad enough to not want to move on, mind you. It's just like there's so much emotion that there's sadness in the mix - just as there's joy, fear, excitement, novelty, etc. And I guess it's weird. I think I just feel viscerally opposite of dissociated, and I had been dissociating a lot to make Idaho not kill me for a very long time, and the surge of emotion is almost as alien as not having had any.