what do you do when you finish waiting? (2023) (Patreon)

An (unused) shot I took in Virginia City, Montana, when shooting Self-Portraits of My Past Lives. I like this shot—I actually believe my best side is when I'm looking away from the camera, because then I become a blank slate for the viewer to project their own image onto, rather than me—but I also like it because it feels like it evokes mystery even for me, despite the fact that I took the image. My thoughts in most of these shots was "lean forward, catch the light on your cheek, eyes off the lens", etc, etc, but this one truly feels like I was thinking about something deeper.

I know I probably wasn't, but perhaps I ascribe more to this shot because I look like I'm waiting for something to happen. I feel like I've spent most of my life waiting for something to happen. I have waited to come out, to switch careers, to find love, to find the place I was meant to be, for the moment where everything would be okay.

It's not all okay and I don't know what form love will take. But I do, finally, feel like I'm mostly done waiting. There is no anticipation of what is next: I am here, I have (sort of) a career going, I am surviving, my book is in its final phases and I must push through to see it done, but that is a day-to-day process. In short, right now, there is just now. What do you do now?