Chapter: 506 - Who (Patreon)

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Tala knew who she was, and she was finally coming to understand who she was in relation to others and the world around her.

She was a Refined, gated-Mage of humanity. Defender, Protector, and source of power, shelter, and livelihood… a nurturer of magic. She was Eskau of the House of Blood, slayer of their last true inheritor. She was the blood daughter of one who had died to bring her into this world and one who had wronged her in a way that still hurt—even if she felt like it shouldn’t—and the volitional flockmate of a murderous terror bird.

She was iron, and iron was hers. From almost her earliest times as a student she had been fascinated by and used iron. To her, it was inextricably linked to her magic, to her. She was Iron.

But that was focusing only on who she was, not who she was to others and to the world.

Focusing outward once again, one relation stood out in stark relief. She was the wife of Rane.

There was so much joy in that, that she let herself just revel in the portion of her soul most closely tied to the man. It was the part from which the bond to him sprung, just as all soulbonds were anchored to a part of the soul. That stood to reason.

When she had taken the time to enjoy the focus on that bond, she moved on, and was immediately confronted with something else. It was an absence rather than the presence of something.

Mother of none.

Even though it was technically true, everything about that negative assertion hit her wrong.

She knew it was wrong too. She wasn’t the biological mother of anyone, not now and maybe not ever, but she was taking on the role of protector and nurturer.

She’d been doing it since her first caravan run. When she knew others were in need, she stepped in if she could.

She almost laughed as she considered things further. Even how she’d dealt with the would-be thieves during her first week in Bandfast had been maternal. She’d chastised them and ensured they got the proper punishment in hopes of reform.

Maternal… not a mother, maternal.

That resonated deeply with her.

Her internal visualization of herself shifted until she felt like she was looking upon a warm, springtime sun. It cast a benevolent light on all within her sphere, even while projecting a field of protection from the harsh realities that existed ‘out there.’

Even as Eskau, she’d sought to protect ‘her family’ which at the time had been the House of Blood. She’d done it mostly as a disguise, but she had gotten satisfaction from the work, the purpose. It helped that Be-thric had been a sore to be removed.

Make no mistake, she’d killed him for her own reasons—and for her own gain—but it had also been of help to the House of Blood, even if they wouldn’t see it that way, except in retrospect.

They might be seeing it that way, now. But that was likely being overly optimistic.

As flimsy as that reasoning was, it still fit—if only just—and looked at in that light, Tala actually felt herself relax into the notion.

Not a mother, but maternal. You don’t have to be a mother to be maternal, and being maternal doesn’t make you a mother. She huffed a laugh internally. Rust, being a mother doesn’t even necessarily bias you toward being maternal.

That felt right.

So, she moved on.

As Lisa had pointed out to her, she was still an Eskau of the House of Blood, at least officially.

She was of blood, but not all of it. Thus, yet again, she came back to the core of who she was, individually. She was iron.

Her soul resonated with that, a feeling of contentment spreading at the renewed acknowledgment of the long-known truth. The star that was her soul had a core of iron, even though she knew that wasn’t how stars worked in reality, it fit too well to dismiss the visualization.

As to others, her default state was maternal, not as their mother, but as one who sheltered and protected, provided and nurtured. That is where her heart lay, that is what called to her soul. She had not done as much nurturing and providing as she had sheltering and protecting, but all aspects spoke to her at a deep level.

Something to grow toward, I suppose. There was excitement in the prospect if she were being honest, and that was the whole point of this exercise.

She was supposed to be utterly honest.

Because of the required honesty, she had to continue. For, as true as her maternal and iron natures were, she was also the ravenous, jealous devourer. That was as true now as it had ever been. That hadn’t gone away. If anything, it had actually grown more true with time.

Her visualization of her own soul—her self—changed, becoming almost a hole to her introspection, but somehow with substance to it. It was as if there was a ball of matter that devoured all that touched it by default. Around that devouring substance, something like spiked chains seemed to encircle her, not binding her but instead coiled and ready to strike out in order to bind anything she set her will to and secure it as her own.

She was the ravenous, jealous devourer.

But she was maternal iron…

Her soul again appeared almost like a warm star, shining on existence around herself.

Then the chain-wielding devouring sphere.

Again, the warm star, with a core of iron.

She couldn’t find a flaw in either, except that they weren’t the other.

She was each…

She was both.

Their basic states seemed so at odds, but she connected to both deeply.

She was left with two rather well formed views of her self.

She was a devouring maw, claiming that which was hers and jealously utilizing it as she wished.

She often wished to protect and provide for those around her… no, not all those around her—not always. Generally, she wanted to protect and provide for those who were hers.

She’d had much the same realization before, but it hadn’t landed quite right.

Now, it seemingly had.

They weren’t at odds, these two visualizations of her self. They weren’t in conflict or a demonstration that she didn’t understand who she really was. That’s what she’d held onto in the back of her mind. That is what had been holding her back.

She wasn’t two different people, one that she knew well to herself, and an unknown enigma to the world.

She was herself both devouring and protecting.

The complete images were two sides of the same coin.

Tala gasped, shattering Alat’s hold over her body and senses.

She was still in the woods with Rane sitting beside her—his aura pulsing a pleasantly green yellow—and Lerra laying with her chin on her paws before them both.

The wolf raised her head, even as Tala’s aura pulled back into herself, roiling and twisting, being baptized in the revelation of Tala’s dual-unified nature.

Solidifying in the truth of who she was.

Maternal Iron and Ravenous, Jealous Devourer. She was the Iron Matriarch.

Her aura rushed out once more, true-green as her soul sang within her chest… as she resonated with knowledge of who she truly was.

A smile pulled across her lips, and she almost laughed. I did get one thing wrong though. I’m not a Refined, gated Mage of humanity.

She was a Paragon.

Existence trembled around her, and she gloried in the feeling as she expanded, settling more fully into her physical form, feeling more connected with her biology, inscriptions, and natural magics than ever before.

Rane hadn’t reacted, and that almost annoyed her, but she was well aware—and fully realized—that Enar was likely keeping him focused, and so he was unaware of her revelation and elevation.

Lerra had a wolfish half-grin on her face. “Wonderfully done, Tala, Paragon of Humanity…” The wolf cleared her throat—really, she created the sounds required to mimic the clearing of a throat—and continued, “However, that was not what we were focusing on, here. You must have been close indeed for such simple meditation—even aided by Mother—to have pushed you over the edge. Do you require time to celebrate your advancement or are you able to continue the current lesson now?”

Tala gave a sheepish grin that didn’t in any way diminish her feeling of elation. I’m a Paragon!

-...Tala. I think… I think she’s lying. I think this was the exact intention of this exercise. At least a part of it. It lined up too perfectly with what you needed.-

Yeah, I sort of figured the second part, but it is possible that she’d be used to working with those already at Paragon advancement, or whatever the Pack equivalent is. Vidarra and Anatalis would likely have known, but Lerra might not have.

-Are you going to ask?-

No. I think I’m fine not knowing for sure.

-Mature of you.-

Almost enlightened, you might say. I’m practically a paragon of politeness.

-...Fine. I’ll let that one slide.-

Lerra waited patiently.

Tala took a deep breath and let it out in a rush, refocusing on her accomplishment. She’d done it. “I’m ready to continue. Thank you.”

“Very well, then. So, we are currently—”

Rane’s aura rippled, shimmered, and then rushed back in toward his center.

Lerra growled. “By the Pack… do neither of you ever take time to actually think? How could this possibly be all that you both needed?”

Huh, maybe it was hidden from her by her parents.

-Funny way of thinking about two god-beast level beings, but sure.-

Rane’s eyes snapped open, a broad grin blossoming across his features. “Tala! I did it. I figured out…”

His eyes swept over her and their surroundings.

He then stood in a rush, catching her up and kissing her. “Congratulations, my love. I’m proud of you. I’d love to hear what you learned about yourself, when you’re ready to share.”

Lerra huffed. “Very well. We aren’t getting anything further done in this moment. We will take a one hour respite. Talk, take your time, and recenter yourselves.”

-Tala! You both did it!- Alat chuckled, leaving the theorizing behind just to express her excitement. -We’ve advanced and it was all thanks to your self-reflection.-

Yeah, well… I apologize that I haven’t just buckled down and thought this through before.

-It lies near a… difficult topic for you, right now. It’s understandable. I’m sure no one would fault you for taking a bit more time than might otherwise have been expected.-

I feel like someone might, but I take your meaning. She kissed Rane again, turning her attention to her husband. “Thank you, but you shouldn’t just change the subject. You advanced as well.”

He grinned. “I did, didn’t I?” He laughed. “I’m glad to be moving in step with you once again.”

“So? Who are you, my husband? Who are you?”

A smile pulled at his lips. “I am the sculptor of motion.”

Tala felt her eyes widen and her soul practically purred at the feeling of his soul, bound to hers. It fit him so well.

It was seemingly contradictory—much like her duality—but at the same time it was a near perfect reflection of his magic, how he used it, and who he was.

“Congratulations, my Rane.” She rested her head on his chest. “Paragon, advancing together.”

He nodded, squeezing her tightly. “Honestly, thinking back on it, at the end there, I believe that I felt you resonating with your advancement. I think our bond helped me resonate in harmony, putting the final polish on my understanding of my self. Thank you.”

She grinned without moving away. “If that is the case, I am glad to have helped nurture you toward advancement, even if not intentionally.”

Alat snorted within Tala’s head. -That’s a bit of a stretch.-

Hush you, I’m being cute with my husband. It doesn’t have to be perfectly accurate.

-Fine, fine. I’ll leave you be.- After a moment, Alat added. -Lerra seems to have left the two of you alone. Take the time to settle and reset your minds and get ready to focus. I want to learn to use our soul, our self, more completely… or really at all in more than a passive way.-

Alright. I’ll see what I can do.

-Thank you.-

Rane stood and stretched. “So, Lerra acted like we missed the point of the exercise. Do you think that is actually the case? I mean, she asked us to delve into our selves, how we see ourselves and how we relate to the world around us. That’s pretty much exactly what gated humans need to advance to Paragon.”

Tala shrugged, leaning back to look up at him. “I mean… did she? She was attempting to make us focus on our souls, and to do that, we needed to have them isolated in a sense. It’s like how I trained moving things around in my aura, or learned to use the perception mirrored from one of my bloodstars. I isolated the feel of it, then learned to utilize the new sense or ability in isolation before folding it back into everyday life.”

He grunted. “I suppose so, yeah. That is how I approach dealing with new types of attack too.”

She raised an eyebrow.

Rane grinned in return, chuckling slightly. “Well, it’s how I prefer to deal with new ones. In the heat of the moment, I’m getting much better at working on the fly.”

Thinking back on his battle with the sireling, she smiled. “Evidently.”

“So… you don’t think it was intentional? Just a byproduct of the methods?”

“Likely a mix. The greater powers here likely knew, but I feel like Lerra probably didn’t. I mean, if we were almost Fused, it likely would have allowed a similar push to advancement. We were close enough that laying out our actual understandings of our souls—our selves—was all we were missing.”

“It’s a little embarrassing, then… We were sitting that close to what we needed.”

Tala shrugged. “It doesn’t really bother me, honestly. So many things are like this. If we have the proper technique, most things become almost insultingly easy.”

“Right. Every Mage has her use, her specialty, her niche. This is just a case where the tools we were working with weren’t as well suited to the task as those the Pack had ready to hand.”

“Exactly.”

Rane regarded her for a long moment, then barked a laugh. “And, we haven’t really been taking the time for introspection. We’ve either been experimenting, training, or enjoying our honeymoon.”

Tala nodded, her smile returning in full force. “True enough. I can’t say I regret doing so either.”

“Me neither.”

They shared a… smoldering look.

A lupine cough echoed around them before Lerra faded back into existence. “My apologies, humans. It seems like you have talked through what you needed to, and we don’t have infinite time. I know I said an hour, but you can exercise your bond later, if that is acceptable.”

Tala regarded the wolf, contemplating testing her new advancement against the ancient beast, but she put that thought aside. “Very well. How much more time do we have here?”

Rane gave his wife a puzzled look, but before he could inquire, Lerra chuckled. “So, you noticed and are aware of the implications, very interesting.”

Tala shrugged. “We are stoneward of Zeme, and that means time moves faster here in comparison. The only question is how much faster?”

“A week here will be but a day on Zeme. That is actually one reason our time is limited. Human biology and spirituality is tied to Zeme in ways that we will not interfere with, and too much time in dilation such as this will inevitably lead to death.”

Rane’s eyes widened. “Time magic kills. Yeah, we’re aware.”

Lerra gave a lupine shrug. “While that is true—and somewhat related—this is not actually time magic. It is hard to classify the difference…” The wolf tilted her head to the side. “Actually, imagine a circle that is spinning. If you stop touching the circle you die. But you can still change how far you travel by moving toward the center or away. Time magic is like jumping. This is like having moved outward on the circle. You will experience more distance for the same number of rotations.”

He frowned. “I think… that does make sense, yeah. But why would it be deadly, then?”

The wolf grinned back. “Because your bodies and souls were not designed for the temporal forces involved in allowing or experiencing extra time for the same number of rotations. You can survive for brief periods every so often but not extensively or regularly.”

Tala interjected then. “Does our advancement help? Are those less advanced at greater danger?”

“No, not in this case. Advancement does not help unless you have magic specifically tuned toward dealing with such forces. Such would have no other use, and humanity’s very reasonable and logical prohibition on time magic makes it unlikely if not impossible that any of your species have such magics.”

Tala narrowed her eyes at the wolf, practically accusing, “You could make such magics.”

“Of course, but we will not. Messing with another’s temporal stability can easily have side-effects ranging from death to insanity. I will not take such a risk thousands of times for so little gain. I am very good, but that would be dancing with disaster to say the least.”

“Understandable.” Tala glanced at her husband. “Very well, then. Let’s see what we can learn with the time we have to give.”

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