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<Poll> MM - Description (Patreon)

Published:
2021-12-29 19:16:01
Imported:
2026-06

Content

Hello!
Many of the comments I've gotten have either hinted that the description kept readers away or that readers didn't think it was accurate, after the fact. Towards correcting that issue, I would like to ask you, wonderful patrons, for your thoughts.

Thank you, in advance, for your time and input!

Regards,
J.L.Mullins


Option A: (Current)
"Freshly graduated from the human magic academy, Tala is on her own in the world. In need of work to pay off her massive debts, Tala's best path seems to be magical indenture: venturing into the wilds and fighting monsters. It's too bad that the Academy didn't teach her any practical skills to speak of. Will her unusual approach to magic make up for the deficit?

One day, she might choose to join the Mages forwarding the cause of humanity and defending them from external threats, but to start, enjoying her newfound freedom, growing stronger, and finding new and exciting ways to make money is more than enough."

Option B:
"Newly graduated, and loathe to let that slow her down, Tala is forging a path for herself in this dangerous world.

In need of work to pay off her massive debt, Tala plans to venture into the wilds beyond the safe and defended human cities. Will her unorthodox approach to magic and willingness to take otherwise lethal risks pay off? Her life is her own, and while she has done much to secure it, she also refuses to waste it. Too bad the Academy didn't teach her any practical skills to speak of."


Option C:
"The world is wild, untamed. Humanity thrives, but only in isolated, well defended cites, ever shrinking as the wilds slowly reclaim all that was taken. The most capable magic users are raised up as Mages, to serve mankind, to further their cause and defend them. 

Enter Tala, a young Mage, determined to make her own way in the world. She just graduated from the magic academy, and is determined to pay off her massive debts, quickly, and live her life to the fullest. Too bad the Academy didn't teach her any practical skills to speak of. Even so, she has developed an unorthodox means for her magic to preserve her life, allowing her to take greater risks, much to the surprise of all around her. She is determined to learn and improve, as quickly as she can."

Comments

noëlle

I like option C but if you remove the “, allowing her to take lethal risks,” I like it a lot more. otherwise it’s a close call with B bc B doesn’t make it seem like she’ll be unscathed.

Timothy Alexander

Option C, swap "higher" for "lethal" before risks, and swap "student" for "massive" before debts.

william wallace

Option C. I concur with the two comments above.

Kristof Dohrmann

While I generally think that C is the most accurate as to what the story is (and that might be the best for a Web novel), but it doesn't have the same flow as A and B, it sounds a bit more awkward imo. That being said, it's not at all bad and I'm not a writer, so what do I know?

J.L.Mullins

Thank you all, for the feedback! (And it's not done, yet!) I imagine I'll take the "winning" one and refine it further, as well. :)

foldedcorners

“She just graduated from the magic academy, and is determined“ &gt; “As a new graduate from the magic academy, she is determined”.. you might want to use a different adjective than determined because it’s used multiple times already

J.L.Mullins
>>74593537

Hah! You're right... I definitely need to hit Option C with a thesaurus, if it wins (which seems likely).

Archivist0

I almost didn't read this. The title just made no sense to the description and still doesn't with any of the above options.

J.L.Mullins
>>74594304

I'm glad to have you reading now! :) Hmmm... Can't fundamentally change the title, now. At least not easily. I've seen some other stories have a "()" after the title. What about a slight alteration to the title? "Millennial Mage (A Secondary World Fantasy)"

Sebastian Viller

Option C, no contest. Something this poll has made me want though is more exposition from Tala on her casual willingness to put her life in danger. It's been touched at and can be assumed from the tidbits of backstory we've gotten, but I feel like it could be directly addressed to clarify and also flesh out more of her pre-story character? I feel like I know a lot about what kind of person Tala is right now, but I have little idea how she came to be the way she is. You probably have some flashbacks planned, or further exposition in dialogue with other characters, but regardless this poll made me need to know lol

Alex

I feel the transition in Option C is of putting, though it is a close call with B

Anonymous

C doesn't work bc it says the most capable magic users are raised up as mages well Tala was just sold to the academy, nothing was said about her being recruited to the academy bc she was talented.

Derik Botha

C works the best out of these. That said, I do have some thoughts. Nothing in the story thus far suggests that there are human magic users who aren't Mages (unless I've missed something), so I'd probably change that bit to read that the most capable mages are the ones making the dangerous journeys between cities escorting the caravans (this also sets up the first arc nicely). I also wouldn't mention her taking lethal risks. While she does, the description makes it come across as much more calculating than it reads. She reads like a high Int, low Wis character. More "Oops, I didn't know that would blow up in my face" and less "I'm doing this because my magic will protect me if it blows up in my face." I'd also change the bit about practical skills. I get what you're going for, but I think it would be much more accurate to say that the academy doesn't prepare mages for the dangers of venturing outside of cities. It becomes clear quickly in the story that the Mage/Mageling relationship is meant to do that. I get why she'd complain about practical skills, but what the academy taught her clearly was practical since it's that education that allows her to charge the cargo containers and let her kill the magic arcanous beast. I do agree that both the name and current description doesn't actually describe the story very well. It also makes the story sound like it's going to be a parody or satire.

Megacheez
>>74601784

well in the most recent chapter se sais it herself that to be sold to the academy "takes a union of large debts and magical aptitude for such to happen, usually.” also in the previous chapters there was talk about people missing magic entirely, and it being quite rare and considered sort of a deformity. just realised that if you havent got a high enough tier i kinda gave a little spoiler here... hope i dotn get smacked for that.

Alex Scriber

C is a great description for a different story, one more focused on swords and sorcery adventure and less concerned with the economic motives of those involved than MM has been so far.

Kirvin

C seems like a better description. I've also thought that the title is a bit odd in the impression it gives, since fresh college graduate being referred to as a Millennial is like 5-10 years ago at this point, and that's not really what is associated with the term these days.

Seth Richter

I think one of the big appeals of the story is the unique world setup of humans hiding in fading cities from the untamed magical wilderness (also the magic system is another part of that cool uniqueness, though not sure how you could fit that into the description). And option c is the one that best captures that. Also if you're accepting suggestions, it feels like one of the big hooks of the story is how she managed to skip her apprenticeship in order to start making money immediately... Maybe work that in somehow? I feel like that conveys her desperation for money, willingness to take risks, and her unconventional approach to magic.

Perf

Not B. Don’t ask rhetorical questions in the story synopsis. I notice that most of the really awful RR authors do that; it’s like a small sign that signals the writer isn’t good.

David Turner

I really liked not knowing about the cities and slowly figuring out as the story progresses. Despite the popularity of option c it feels like a spoiler

Anonymous

I really like "C" minus the second to last sentence that starts with "even so" . I think it is just a bit too much information. Otherwise, it is a wonderful synopsis.