let’s talk about it, all of it. (Patreon)

hey. it’s a long post

you may’ve noticed i’ve been quieter these last few months. long story short, im under immense pressure irl. i’m typing this from my phone. i didn’t even have the energy to hop on my PC

when i started doro, i was going through a break up from a nearly decade-long relationship. i lived there. everything i had was there, my job was a 5 min walk from there. i had no savings, and absolutely no back-up plan

when we broke up, i couldn’t stay, i was embarrassed. i ended up having to move in with my sister, 30 minutes away from my old job

i was living in a corner in my sister’s room with my mom and cousin. all i had was my PC and a single basket of work clothes. i was on an LOA (leave of absence) from work bc i moved miles away from my old job, couldn’t afford the commute, and the store i planned to transfer to fell through

thankfully i eventually managed to get a job at a different store just 20 minutes away by bus. i loved that job. i was more inspired than ever to create, getting to the season 1 finale in record time. i was heartbroken and feeling abandoned and lost

i got my first youtube check and all that money went toward bus fare and buying new work shoes

then i was followed home from work (for the 2nd time in my life) since i was taking the bus every day. this person knew my name but i didn’t recognize them. fearing for my life i stopped taking the bus and was put on a program with Lyft and my job for rides

i suddenly became a hermit that would spend entire days and eventually weeks inside at my PC. this is when i launched Patreon

with my first patreon check i was able to pay rent and buy a new keyboard

i couldn’t wait to quit my job and never have to go outside and risk being followed again. and so i did just that, i stopped showing up

everything was super exciting, everyone was so kind and welcoming in my community and i felt safe. and i could run away from the scary outside world. i stopped going outside at all for weeks at a time, my blinds drawn so no one could see inside

i eventually unlearned how to be social. it’s been 3 years like this. most days the only socialization i have is on call with my friends. i’ve completely isolated myself. all the escape i used to get from being online has become reliance. i have a codependent relationship with my sims game and editing software. i’m terrified of eye contact. i’m anxious when people come over

i’ve been trying exposure therapy by going places, but i can’t do that at all without my siblings to accompany me

and worst of all, my sister lost her job a few months ago. i’ve been quiet because with that, all the life has been sucked from me like a deflated balloon. i pay all the bills now, alone

i’m alright

the issue now is the isolation. i can do it, sit in my chair and produce like i used to back in my doro days. but my relationship to production is so toxic. these last few months ive been trying to keep my mind in the right place

but i need to work hard now more than ever. you know me, i was a workaholic before i went full time. i was a workaholic before i was paying all the bills. now that there’s more necessity than ever, im afraid i’ll lose my mind. and in doing so, i might create the best piece of work i ever have so far. but what will it cost? who will i be on the other side

each new project since the season 1 finale of doro has resulted in me sobbing into my hands at some point during production. i’ll lock myself in my room and sit in front of my pc for 14 hrs most days

tl;dr my sister lost her job and the financial strain has put me in a state of total mental ruin. i’m working harder and losing my mind

all this to say i’ll see you very soon with something really cool

i can’t thank you enough for your support. you have all my gratitude.