Request: Cursed Monkey Paw (Patreon)

You can ask the monkey paw

 ONE wish but you get one funny curse

-you smell slightly sweaty all the time-you fart when you sneeze

- you scream in your sleep

or

 3 wishes with ALL the funny side effects plus

- you shit yourself whenever someone calls your name (can't use nicknames, smartass!)

what will it be chief? What wish? What curse?