Two Songs of the Summer - By Conor Lastowka (Patreon)

Summer has ended in Vermont. This may not come as a surprise to you ivory tower elite with functioning page-a-day calendars (David voice: “A new page every day? What do you think we are, millionaires?!”) but to me, who naively assumes that the blissful two weeks of happiness and hope we call “Summer” in VT will last forever, it is a rude awakening. Nevertheless, I’d like to share with you two events that bookended my summer.

The first occurred when I ventured out to the Walmart Garden Center in mid-may. I’d recently purchased a ten dollar assortment of seeds from the Pucker Butt Pepper Company that purported to be the world’s hottest chiles. I do not regularly consume novelty foods that clearly only exist to be eaten in youtube videos where the host almost dies, but I do work with a few people who enjoy such things, so I thought I would attempt to grow my own peppers and bring them to the next live show, where Mike would use it as a palate cleanser after eating pickled turkey wattle or whatever the hell he’s pretending to enjoy.

I’ve always found big box store garden centers vaguely comforting. I tell myself that it’s because the promise of creation wafting through the air, the allure of Doing It Yourself, of rebirth and new starts. Actually, it is the smell of manure. And it was strong on this fine May day. But there was something else in the air, something that made me stop in my tracks. 

It was a voice.

It was not a pleasant voice, closer to “screaming goat” than “Metropolitan opera”, but nevertheless I stood there, transfixed. I did not like this song that was playing softly over the PA, but why did it feel as if it were embedded in my soul? I gripped my tomato seeds tightly as I tried to figure it out. And then the chorus hit.

“KEEEEEEEEP HOLDING ONNNNNNNNNN!”

It was the Avril Lavigne song that played over the end credits of the terrible 2006 movie Eragon. We released a RiffTrax for Eragon on May 11, 2007. A few days before we recorded it, Mike had asked me, a fresh-faced 26 year old, if I wanted to “sing” the credits as Disembaudio. Some of you have heard Disembaudio sing before and probably assume I am “hamming it up” or “shredding my vocal chords on purpose”. I am not. That’s just how it goes for me when I step up to the mic.

But I was determined not to blow this newly granted opportunity. Professional pride, and all that but more importantly, going to a recording meant drinking beer after the recordings.  So I did my homework. I prepped. I listened to Keep Holding On on repeat on my drive to and from the office until I knew every tic, every breath, every inflection. And frankly, I nailed it. 

Months later, after our Giant Spider Invasion live show, I flew out of Nashville and met my wife Lauren in Colorado. Our plan was to do some backpacking and then meet friends in a ski town for some more outdoor activities. One of these activities was mountain biking, and I nearly killed myself, (I will release the gnarly photo of my bruise as a Kickstarter Stretch Goal next year) causing us to seek more relaxed activities for the next day. So we found a place that rents pontoon boats.

Pontoon boats are essentially floating couches, so this was appealing to me, someone whose post-accident gait now resembled a guy whose foot was stuck in an extremely heavy bucket. Plus the lake was surrounded by majestic mountains, and it was a beautiful sunny day.

In fact, it was the perfect day for a wedding! As we enjoyed a lakeside picnic, people in suits and dresses started to file onto the small landing next to us. Music played over a small PA, and once again I found myself transfixed by a song that I hated, but somehow knew every word to. 

This one didn’t come as easily as Avril. Where had I heard this before? I had to Google some lyrics. “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri. AKA the song they play over the end credits of Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2: Ecks Vs Sever: The Harpo-ing.

I tried explaining to Lauren and our friends why I had been hit like Proust with a Madeleine. They smiled politely, no doubt still resentful of the expensive bikes we’d rented and quickly abandoned the day before. But I made a mental note that once I regained the ability to walk like a human, I would recount this experience for you guys. I’m lucky to be able to have these extremely dumb experiences, and grateful that you all are around to share them with me. Now can we please start ending our movies with GOOD songs!

 (And by the way, the pepper plant just flowered. See you in a few months, Mike!)