Talkin' Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (Patreon)

Good day, Traxians. Kevin here with a new episode of Talkin' RiffTrax.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, frankly, made us angry. And it wasn’t simply because they backfilled the entire Jurassic Universe with a new, unheard-of foundational character, or that the franchise seems obsessed with endangering children. It isn’t merely because the filmmakers simply fall back on the same gags that pack the very first movie, or that Jeff Goldblum’s entire role is simply to be interviewed for bookends.

Oh no, it takes more than that to cheese us off.

How do you cheese us off? You demonstrate that you simply don’t care. These people didn’t care. Clichés? Grab a handful outa petty cash. Hacky subplots? How many do ya want? What kind of chemistry would you like between your main characters? None? Done.

I call this Bay-ing. After Michael Bay, who continues to demonstrate in film after film that he simply doesn’t give a hoot in Hell.  And he has no reason to, it doesn’t slow the money train.

But WE care. I think you care. Even in our favorite horrible titles — your Feeders, your Karate Cops, your Space Mutinies, your Birdemics — the filmmakers cared. They’re just not very good. I mean really not very good at all. But they cared.

And this is why Jurassic Blah: Blah Blah Blahblah made us angry. But our gift to you is that we turn that anger into jokes so you can safely screen this uncaring pile of dross and enjoy it. Personally, I’m over it. It’s a fine and funny riff, and I can’t wait to sink our teeth into our next title, Robo Vampire. Oh, it’s a disaster, but a disaster made with care. 

-kwm

You can download this video here.