I Knew You Were Trouble - 11 (Patreon)

So... Is everyone ready for the month to be over?!

I won't make you wait -

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Part Eleven

Autumn glanced out of the corner of her eye at Charlotte, who was in a very good mood.

And not like one of the moods she would get into where she was thrilled because something good happened at work, or she made a good deal, or secured a partnership or got funding – it was something that went much deeper. She seemed happy on an intrinsic level.

Clearly, whatever had happened with Sutton last night had gone very well.

And wow, was that just yesterday?

That realization landed inside of her with the weight of an anvil.

Had it really been only twenty-four hours ago that she’d had her own conversation with Maya? Had it truly only been a day since Maya had confessed she wanted more from Autumn?

Because it did not feel that way. Not at all.

In fact, Autumn felt like it had been weeks. She felt like she’d been weighed down by this, dealing with it, for far, far longer than a day.

Her eyes felt gritty and her stomach ached, and it had only been a single day. Ugh.

Charlotte glanced back at her, catching her eye. “Everything all right?”

Autumn smiled tightly, nodding. “Of course. Yes. Just… wondering why it seems we’re heading in the direction of where I live before dropping you off?”

It was the end of the work day, and Charlotte didn’t have anything else on the docket this evening, so she couldn’t imagine why else they’d be heading in the direction of Autumn’s apartment.

Charlotte slowly arched an eyebrow at her. “Yes, I’d asked Hamish to drop you off first when we’d gotten back to the car.”

“Oh,” she breathed back, feeling herself blush. “Must have missed that.”

After all, she’d also missed the fact that they were close to her place until they were only minutes away.

She tapped lightly at her tablet, having just put it away. “I was answering the communications from the afternoon, after that meeting. First official day back into the office, and more intense than ever.”

Not hyperbolic in the least; since she’d gotten into the office at five-thirty this morning, she’d come close to emptying Charlotte’s inbox a couple of times, but hadn’t quite managed to get through everything before new missives came in.

And the great thing about Autumn was that she had an impeccable ability to channel her focus.

Going through emotional turmoil only made her focus more intently.

Not that she was in turmoil.

Was she happy about this development with Maya? No, of course not. She wouldn’t lie to herself like that and pretend she was.

But could she accept it and power through? Of course. And she would.

Everything got better with time.

“Are you all right today, Autumn?” Charlotte asked, her voice a little softer, more personal, than it typically was during the work day.

Must be residual from yesterday.

Autumn wished she could allow herself to enjoy it the way she would have been able to if it wasn’t today. On the heels of her… thing… with Maya imploding.

Despite all of the sharing they’d done yesterday, though, Autumn definitely wouldn’t be sharing that with Charlotte.

She wouldn’t be sharing the fact that she felt like the softest, most vulnerable parts of her heart were under some sort of lock that she simply didn’t have the key to. Even when her heart felt like it had expanded, beating hard, demanding freedom, the lock didn’t break open.

Like when Maya stated that they were in a relationship. Which, for the record, they couldn’t be. As far as Autumn was concerned, they couldn’t be in a real relationship unless they’d both decided on that fact.

Like when Maya pledged that she could be that person for her, if only Autumn could step up and acknowledge it, too.

Even then, when she’d felt her heart slamming against that locked door, it didn’t open. It left her momentarily paralyzed, instead, and then resulted in her doing the only thing she could do.

Accept what Maya was telling her.

“I’m fine,” she managed to answer under Charlotte’s scrutinizing gaze, rolling her shoulders back.

Charlotte hummed, a sound that said she didn’t believe Autumn. Regardless, Charlotte was Charlotte, and she didn’t push. They might be… friendly? Friend-adjacent? But they were still boss and employee, and today wasn’t yesterday. Today, they were at work.

At least, they were until they pulled up in front of Autumn’s apartment a minute later.

She gathered her things, glancing at Charlotte again. “I’m glad that things seemed to have gone well for you,” she said, sincerely.

Charlotte’s gaze turned back to her, and… yeah. That small smile that played on her lips was so real. Whatever the conclusion she’d worked through with Sutton yesterday had shifted something inside of her, and Autumn could literally see it.

“I am, too. And I hope the same for you,” Charlotte returned, mildly. Knowingly.

She gave Charlotte a tight smile, before she looked up at the front of the car. “Have a good night, Hamish. Thank you for the ride.”

He met her eyes in the mirror, giving her a nod and a smile that was – similarly to Charlotte’s – far too knowing for her liking. But – similarly to Charlotte – he didn’t say anything, other than, “Of course. See you tomorrow.”

She made her way up to her apartment, rolling around Charlotte’s words. She hoped the same for Autumn. As in… the same outcome? As in, she hoped things worked out between her and Maya? Or as in, she hoped Autumn managed to find a place that gave her the same inner-peace she’d seemed to find?

The reality was, for as emotionally stunted as Charlotte possibly thought she was, she had nothing on Autumn. And even then, for Charlotte to get to where she was now in her life, it had taken her into her forties.

Autumn… she didn’t want to be alone for another decade while she tried to work on how to be comfortable opening up to someone. To someone like Maya, especially, who felt so openly and freely.

She let out a deep sigh as stared intently at her fish tank, because she needed something else to focus on, right now.

She absolutely wasn’t going to be alone with her thoughts – inevitably going to think about Maya – all evening, that was for sure. She could clean the tank, then maybe go for a run, and hopefully after that, she’d manage to fall into a dreamless sleep. She figured there were decent odds of that, given that she’d barely managed a wink last night. When she’d managed to doze off, she’d woken up with her heart racing, soaked with sweat, and that had been enough of that.

The tank had been deep cleaned only last week, because she’d been looking to occupy her time while Maya had been out of town with her family.

But, it could never be too clean, right?

These fish, they were Autumn’s family.

She reached down and started to roll up her sleeves, only to pause when she felt her phone vibrating in her back pocket.

And when she saw Maya’s name on the screen, her heart flip-flopped, and – immediately – she went to answer. It was automatic, now.

Only to hesitate, her thumb pausing over the icon.

She shouldn’t answer. They were technically no longer working, and before everything between them had shifted, they didn’t talk if they weren’t at work.

So, Maya shouldn’t be calling her after hours. In fact, it frustrated her, exasperated her, confused her. Maya had been the one to decide they weren’t going to have their personal… thing, anymore. So, what right did she have to call Autumn, now?

But… Autumn fucking missed her, all day long. She missed Maya, like she hadn’t missed anyone in a very long time. Because Autumn had fortified herself – the best she could – from missing people. Aching from missing people did absolutely nothing.

The worst thing of it all was that Maya hadn’t gone anywhere. She hadn’t been torn away from Autumn. She was still right here in her life. She’d seen her this very morning.

But she thought about the way Maya had looked at her this morning from across the office, and it was the opposite of accessible.

So, what did she want from Autumn, now?

Had she changed her mind?

The thought slashed through Autumn like a bolt of lightning, making her hand tremble. She wanted it. She did. She wanted, badly, for Maya to be telling her that actually, no. She wanted to keep doing what they were doing, and that it was okay to do it on Autumn’s terms.

Even though she knew it was dumb, and Autumn wasn’t dumb.

Even though she knew it was irrational, and Autumn wasn’t irrational.

Her heart pounded, knocking on that locked door, and it still didn’t open.

And before she realized it, she missed the call.

Closing her eyes, she blew out a long, low breath.

That was good, that was for the best.

Immediately, though, she received a text, which she opened just as quickly. Self-control be damned, at least, in this moment.

Maya Lindsay – 5:41P.M.Hey. Something… has come up… at the office. Where are you?

Whatever that odd, hopeful feeling had been – it popped. This was work related, then.

Irritated with herself – and a little with Maya, which she fucking knew was also irrational – she took a long, deep breath, reaching up to grasp at the necklace. Rubbing her thumb over the smooth surface, in a way that really did provide her with a deep, subconscious comfort.

She’d tried to take the necklace off this morning, when she’d looked at herself in the mirror. But it felt so right, around her neck. It felt like it belonged there. She’d only realized how bare she’d felt without this kind of instinctive physical comfort when Maya had given her this.

Shaking her head, she refocused. Focusing on work-related emergencies was Autumn’s specialty. And Maya had told her that she wanted to be able to still work with Autumn; at the root of everything, Autumn wanted that, too. So, she was determined to do her damn job. To do it the same way Maya seemed to be able to.  

And, as she focused on reality, she realized that if Maya was texting her about this instead of handling it herself, it was probably a big issue. Because Maya was very capable of handling things on her own.

Autumn Alton – 5:42P.M.What happened? I’m at my apartment. I can be back at the office ASAP, though

The timing wasn’t ideal with traffic, but – it would be fine. She was already walking back to where she’d placed her jacket and bag down, when she received Maya’s next message.

Maya Lindsay – 5:42P.M.No, don’t come to the office. I’m leaving now, and I’ll come to you

Are you alone?

What in the world kind of question was that?

Baffled, and concerned, and – okay, maybe a little hopeful again – Autumn answered.

Autumn Alton – 5:43P.M.Yes…?

She watched as Maya’s texting bubbles popped up, then disappeared. Then popped up, then disappeared. Then popped up again for a final time, before she sent –

I’ll be there soon.

“You’ll be here soon?” Autumn asked, exasperatedly, under her breath, tossing her hand into the air.

What was going on? Was it work related?

Or was it personal?

And why was Maya being so damn cryptic? That was so unlike her, it only made the situation even more muddled for Autumn.

She couldn’t blame herself for losing any potential edge in the conversation when she texted once more, after not receiving any other clarification from Maya.

Autumn Alton – 5:46P.M.Maya?? What is going on? Can you at least tell me what level of DEFCON we’re in so I can prepare?

If Maya was coming to her apartment and it was, indeed, about work… what was going on at the office? She immediately searched for any possible political news, anything happening in D.C. – nothing.

There was also nothing from Charlotte, so…

Maya Lindsay – 5:51P.M.On the road. Driving to yours. Can’t really tell you what level of DEFCON tbh

She spent the next thirty minutes pacing through her apartment, running through all possible scenarios in her mind.

This wasn’t normal behavior for Maya, not in any way. Not professionally, not when it came to their sexual relationship, not at all. So, Autumn had no framework for this. She had no reference of what to expect when Maya arrived.

But she wasn’t going to blow up her phone like an insane person; Autumn was better than that. Both for safety reasons, and because the very idea of it galled her.

It just – it wasn’t like Maya to be like this. It wasn’t like Maya to be cagey or evasive. It was something Autumn both liked about her and, given the way everything had played out between them, also something that plagued her.

By the time Maya texted her again, she’d run through the gamut of possibilities, and with it, a whole range of emotions. Vexation, concern, anticipation, and everything in between.

Maya Lindsay – 6:22P.M.I’m here and coming up. And… frankly, I don’t know how to say this?

I’m not alone

But I didn’t know how to tell you about this over a text, and I didn’t want to do it at the office, either. I can’t say for certain, because I don’t really know any details, but I think it’s going to be a big deal

Just… idk. Brace yourself? See you in a minute

She wasn’t alone?!

Brace yourself?!

What in the fuck was Maya doing that Autumn would have to brace herself for?

And what did – who could Maya possibly be with? Who would she be bringing to Autumn’s apartment? The only thing Autumn could imagine was that it was one of Maya’s family members, but that also made no freaking sense.

She didn’t wait for Maya to knock – she didn’t have that in her anymore, because her nerves felt fried – and instead, she was already at the door when she heard footsteps approaching.

If there was something Autumn didn’t love, it was surprises. And today, of all days, was not when she was expecting one from Maya.

She opened the door, already exasperatedly asking, “Why are you being so weird? Weren’t you the one that said you wanted–”

She cut herself off, sharply, when she heard gasps. Twin gasps.

They were only gasps, only the quietest of sounds, but they whipped through Autumn like lightning. Like she’d been electrocuted. Because they sounded so incredibly familiar, just the very tone.

She looked beyond Maya, already shaking her head at herself. Because she knew she was crazy to think that she could identify people she hadn’t seen in years from a gasp.

Everything inside of Autumn went numb as she focused on the two girls standing behind Maya. Huddled behind Maya, really.

The blood rushed through her veins in a way that made her lightheaded, and she could no longer feel her legs, and she was – she was hallucinating.

She had to be.

Because she darted her eyes back and forth between eyes that looked the exact same as her own. The same color blue.

Honor. Haven.

It had to be them, because even if Autumn hadn’t seen them in years, hadn’t seen them since before they’d hit double digits, she knew those faces. She’d changed their diapers. She’d rocked them to sleep. She’d taken them to their first day of school.

This couldn’t be real. They couldn’t be real.

She’d dreamed a variation of this so many times. Thought about it so often, until she’d had to force herself to stop, because she had to keep living her life and stop living in a fantasy world in which she’d ever see any of her siblings – let alone the twins – ever again.

She was having some sort of breakdown. Some sort of out of body experience. Because she didn’t feel present in her body, at all.

Only, she did.

She felt hyper-aware of everything, and none of it made any sense.

The tension zipped through Autumn, leaving her vibrating with it, and the twins seemed to be the same way. Standing there, behind Maya of all people, like a shield. Like they didn’t know what to do.

How could they? Autumn didn’t know what to do, either, because this… it didn’t…

“What…” She trailed off, her voice hoarse, because it was all she could get out. Her lips continued to move, mouthing nonsensical questions, before she snapped her jaw shut. “How…?”

“They showed up at the office. Looking for you,” Maya somewhat explained, quietly.

Autumn turned her attention to Maya, finding it easier to focus on the lines of her beautiful face. The face that Autumn had traced to her memory, committed every single freckle and shape of her features.

Maya was real. Maya was the present, and she was real, and she wasn’t looking at Autumn the way she had last night – devastated and hurt – or even this morning – withdrawn and guarded in a way she’d never seen before.

She looked… sympathetic. Wide-eyed and knowing, in a way Autumn had never allowed her to be. Never allowed anyone to be.

Those brown eyes were focused on Autumn with a look so gentle, she swore she could break from that alone. With an understanding that she had no reason to have. Not before – this.

Which meant that it was real.

The twins were real.

She heard something shatter inside of her, at the same time she felt it, even if she didn’t know what it was. But it was broken, and she felt boneless while also pumped full of adrenaline in the most confounding cocktail, and she rushed forward with it, her knees feeling weak and wobbly.

She reached out, pulling them both to her, an arm around both of their shoulders. Solid. They were solid and here.

Clearly, they’d been waiting on her, because they both wrapped an arm around her waist and held, so tightly. Gripped at the back of her shirt in their fists, and it was the same hold she had on them.

Her breathing was labored, and she didn’t understand, but –

But it was real.

They were so much bigger than the last time she’d been able to hold them like this, and she ached with it. She ached with not having been there to see it all. Ached with the memories that flooded her, with all of the things she’d said to them that had never been realized.  

They were so different now, and yet they felt the same.

Her mind was whirling a mile a minute, and nothing made sense.

But they were standing in the hallway, and

“Why don’t you move this inside? So everyone can have some privacy?” Maya softly suggested, her hand just barely brushing against Autumn’s shoulder. The barest hint of a touch, but it grounded her.

She managed in a long, deep breath, forcing herself to open her arms. “Come–” She needed to pause, to clear her throat, before she was able to gesture into her open apartment door. “Do you want to come inside?”

Both Honor and Haven nodded quickly at her, before they looked over their shoulders down the hallway. Almost paranoid, but then again – she knew they were most likely looking around for their father.

Who Autumn knew couldn’t have approved or sanctioned them being here. The twins were only fifteen, and there was not a single chance in hell her father had loosened the grip on the control he held over their family. Not a since chance.

Still, they hesitated until she managed a tight smile. “Go on in. You can set your bags down anywhere.”

She’d hardly remembered to tack that comment on, but she remembered. There were some things you could never forget, and one of them was the strict rules about where you were allowed to place your belongings so that you didn’t receive a punishment for dirtying the house.

The twins walked by her, and into her apartment – the twins were here? In her apartment? – and for a long moment, she stared after them. Just… trying to make sense of it all.

“I’m, uh, I’m going to head out,” Maya said, her voice low and soothing and quiet.

And her tone didn’t matter, because her words were so jarring to Autumn. She snapped around to look at Maya, confusion coursing through her. “You’re leaving?”

Maya’s returning stare was just as quizzical as Autumn felt as she slowly lifted an eyebrow at her. “… yes? This–” she gestured at Autumn’s open apartment door, keeping her voice down. “Seems like a very private thing for you. And, historically, you don’t want me to be there for personal moments.”

While there was a hurt edge in her voice, she wasn’t accusatory. No, she was so very matter-of-fact.

Autumn could only blink at her, her stomach churning so intently from – from everything.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Maya asked, searching her gaze. “I assumed you’d want me to leave.”

“Well, I don’t,” the words shot out of her before she could truly consider them.

But, as confounding and contrary as it was to the way Autumn typically felt, it was true.

Honor and Haven were here. They were, somehow, here, and Autumn was spinning out.

She was elated, and she wanted to cry, and she was so confused, and everything ached, and nothing made sense, and Maya –

Maya made sense to her. Maya was a constant, even if she was a constant Autumn wasn’t prepared to face in a romantic sense.

The idea of Maya leaving right now made Autumn, quite simply, feel wrong. That was it.

She had no idea what she was about to face, inside of her apartment. She’d made peace with the fact that she’d likely never see her siblings again, and she’d had to wall that part of herself off. But that wall had just been bulldozed, and she was left with this scrambling uncertainty.

“Just to be clear, you want me to stay? Like, you want me to come inside of your apartment with your sisters?” Maya said, slowly. Like she had to be missing something.

“Yes, Maya, that’s what I said.”

“I’m not being an ass, I swear.” Maya held her hands up, palm out, honesty etched into her expression. “I’m just – confused.”

“So am I,” her own aching vulnerability, the place she’d kept all to herself, spilled over into her words. “I’m so confused, and I don’t – please. Stay.”

It was shocking to her to realize in this moment that Maya likely had ideas or theories about how big of a deal it was to Autumn to have Honor and Haven showing up here. But she didn’t know anything, not really. Coming face to face with how well she’d kept those parts – her past and her present – separate was… it added a whole other layer that Autumn wasn’t ready to deal with right now.

And, there it was, on Maya’s face.

That gentle look, like she knew so many parts of Autumn were systematically breaking down inside.

“Okay. Let’s go in, then,” Maya agreed, holding her arm out to gesture for Autumn to walk in first.

Still, she couldn’t make her feet move.

Her heart was still pounding so hard in her chest – hadn’t stopped – and she wanted so badly to be inside, to talk to her sisters, to be with them. And yet.

Maya, disarmingly aware of her, tentatively reached out to touch her arm. “Are you doing all right? Shit. Was it okay that I brought them here?” She hissed in a whisper, darting her gaze from the apartment to Autumn in concern.

She flipped her hand over to grip at Maya’s arm, firmly. Grounding herself with it. “Yes. Absolutely, yes,” she confirmed, without a doubt. Only to let out a trembling breath, the doubt clawing inside of her. “But I haven’t seen them in so long, Maya. It’s been years. I don’t know – I don’t know what they want. Or how they even found out I’m here? Or… I… I’m not the person they–”

The words choked her before she could finish, the truth of it all paralyzing her,

She wasn’t the person Honor and Haven knew from their memories, not at all.

She’d had to break that person down to the very fundamentals and rebuild herself – to find her real self, underneath everything she’d been trained and molded to be. And a lot of what she’d had to painstakingly build wasn’t going to be familiar to them.

The older sister she’d been to them had been so warm and loving and soft and maternal. In many, many ways, she’d been more of a mom to the twins than their mother had been.

Autumn… she didn’t really know if she had that person inside of her, anymore.

It had been the basis of what she’d had to face with Maya, romantically. Did she even have soft and loving pieces left inside of her? Because, so often, she felt brittle and hard.

Maya squeezed her arm, bringing her back to the moment.

And Autumn could see it in her face, that she knew where Autumn had gone. Even if she didn’t know all of the details, she knew Autumn.

“I don’t know what they’re doing here, either. Obviously. But… they came here to find you because they trust you. Maybe it’s been years since you’ve seen them, and you’re all different in some ways, but I don’t think that their trust in you is misplaced. Right?”

Autumn was already shaking her head, Maya’s words settling through her.

Obviously, they’d come here to seek Autumn out for something. She could place some guesses as to what, but it was all bad.

And no matter how different she was now, she still loved them. She’d never stopped.

“Maybe you’re different than they’ll remember, but,” Maya hesitated, seeming like she was debating whether or not to voice her thoughts. She shrugged, as if deciding to give in, before she finished, “I’m guessing you might have been in a similar situation to what they’re doing through right now? Because of…” She gestured around them. “So, if you’re feeling unsure of what to do, just, just be who you needed.”

The advice snapped something in place in Autumn’s mind, then worked to her nervous system, and she finally felt like she was able to take a deep breath.

“You’re right,” she breathed back, drawing in a full, deep breath.

Okay. She was ready.

Because the person Autumn had wished she’d had when she’d struck out on her own? Was Autumn.

Someone to be calm. Someone to listen. Someone to find solutions. Someone to be reliable.

She flicked her gaze to Maya, nodding, as she rolled her shoulders back.

Things may have changed, years may have passed, but Autumn was still the older sister, here. The twins came to her, but they needed her to take control here.

Maya nodded back at her, that look on her face so – yeah, Autumn couldn’t look for too long. Definitely not right now.

She led the way inside, feeling Maya’s presence a few feet behind her.

The girls were standing in the living room, shoulder to shoulder, standing in front of the fish tank. The sight of it momentarily tripped her up.

But she regained a hold over herself – she needed to get all of the details, needed to figure everything out – and she walked over to them. Approaching slowly, as she asked, “Do you want something to drink? To eat?”

She ran her eyes critically over the girls. Both stood so tall now, almost her height. The only things they’d had with them were those backpacks, and – how long had it been since they’d left home?

Both Honor and Haven spun to face here, looking at her the same way she looked at them. Like she was both home and a stranger.

“We’re okay,” Honor answered, darting her eyes over to Maya. “Um, Maya got us some stuff before we came here.”

Of course she had. God, she had to be grateful to Maya. So grateful that it was Maya who’d found them at… at her work.

As that thought struck through her, really settling in, she reached up to rub at her temple. “Why don’t we sit down? And you can tell me…” What they were doing here? How they’d gotten here? Who knew they were here? How did they know she was here? “Everything.”

She instinctively reached out for their hands, like a muscle memory that hadn’t quite left her, to lead the way. She only realized what she was doing a second before she made contact, and she froze.

Only for both of the girls to reach out and finish the contact, like they, too, remembered it so well.

This rush of warmth shot through her, as she brought them over to the couch. She had them both sit next to one another, conscientious of how they leaned into one another for support, before she moved to sit next to them.

“Do you two mind if Maya stays?” She only remembered to ask when she noted Maya leaning against the doorway into the living room.

Somehow, she managed to look so casual in a moment that felt anything but. And it was comforting to see, almost. Almost like it made things feel more normal than they were.

“I can go,” Maya offered, easily, looking at Honor and Haven. “No worries.”

Again, Autumn didn’t want that. But right now, she needed the twins to be more comfortable than she was. She needed them to know that it was okay for them to be here, that they were safe here.

The twins looked at one another, but it was only for a second, before Haven said, so softly, “No, you, um, you can stay.”

“You sure? I don’t mind,” Maya was using that same, coaxing, sweet tone.

The talking to a scared animal tone that Autumn was entirely too familiar with.

Honor nodded. “Yeah. Stay.”

Despite the confidence she was trying to put on, Autumn could see right through it. She could see right through to the uncertainty that rippled through both of them.

Keeping her voice low and level, she asked, “How did you know where I was?”

Because, in this moment, she realized that was the most pressing thing for her. She’d had no contact with her entire family since she’d lived in Ohio. She’d then moved to Rhode Island, and then D.C., she had no social media.

Unsurprisingly, it was Honor who answered, after letting a beat go by. “Well. For a really long time, we thought you were dead.”

Despite the demeanor Autumn wanted to maintain – cool, calm, collected. Safe – she couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped her. Because that statement sent a stabbing pain through her, so unexpectedly painful, she could hardly breathe.

They’d thought she was dead? “Is that what they said?” The words were choked as they escaped her, her throat tight. “Is that what Mom and Dad told you?”

Her hands were shaking, and she had to press them so tightly against her knees, tensing her muscles to keep herself together.

“They didn’t tell us anything,” Haven said, barely above a whisper, her own aching pain evident in her voice. “You – you went to the hospital that day, and then you never came back.”

“And Mom was crying all of the time,” Honor added, folding her own arms around her waist tightly. “And Dad was so… mad? And he told us not to talk about you, anymore.”

They’d – they’d really acted like she’d died. They’d never talked about her? Never –

Autumn hadn’t really known what to believe about her parents, what they’d have used to explain her absence. And she’d thought she’d been over it, over the pain they’d made her feel.

But this hurt in a way she’d never fathomed. She’d never believed they’d just move on, quite literally as though she’d never even existed.

“And we couldn’t imagine – we didn’t believe you’d ever leave us,” Haven finished, her tone so raw.

A rawness Autumn felt, sharply, biting into her, as she brought her hand up to her lips, pressing tightly. Holding back any possible sounds, any sniffles.

We didn’t believe you’d ever leave us.

Fuck.

She needed this to be for them, though. Because Autumn… she’d had years to process and grieve. The twins were going through their own journey, right now, in this moment.

She startled slightly, when she felt Maya come over and sit on the arm of the couch next to her, her hand landing firmly against Autumn’s spine. Offering a steadiness, a warmth, that she hadn’t known she’d need.

But, oh, she did.

“Okay. Ah – yeah,” she managed, working out a long, low breath. “So, how did you…?”

She couldn’t bring herself to ask how did they find out she wasn’t dead.

“We’re taking a civics class this year,” Honor answered, dutifully. “And Mr. Conklin was showing us a clip, and we saw Senator Thompson. And then we saw you,” she breathed out the word like she still couldn’t believe it.

“Just, like, for a second,” Haven added, and they glanced at one another, nodding quickly. Like they could both remember feeling so fucking floored. “But we were sure it was you.”

“So over Christmas break, we…” Honor trailed off, worrying at her bottom lip, as she stared at Autumn with questioning eyes.

Like she wasn’t sure she was allowed to say what was on her mind. Autumn could see the way she gripped tightly at her shirt, clearly wrestling with herself.

“It’s okay,” she assured, knowing. “You’re not going to get into any trouble here, with me. You can tell me anything.” She looked them both in the eyes, from Honor to Haven, “I promise.”

And Autumn had taught the twins the sanctity of her promise long ago. She hoped, somewhere inside of them, they still believed in it.

Honor nodded, but it was Haven that answered, “We… broke into the phone drawer,” she confessed in a whisper.

Ah, yes. Where their parents kept electronics under literal lock and key.

“We knew where Dad kept the keys. So, after they went to bed, we snuck down and used our phone to look you up. And we found you. You weren’t dead,” there it was, that mystified, amazed tone echoed through Honor’s voice.

“No, I’m not,” she confirmed, shakily.

Now that they’d started – now that they had someone that was willing to listen to them – it seemed like they couldn’t stop talking. Autumn very much understood, because she remembered the day she’d broken open to her parents. Once the pressure top had been popped, she’d been unable to hold herself back.

Honor nodded, leaning a little closer, a little farther into Autumn. “We broke into the drawer again, last week, to look up bus routes. Because the Circle of Mercy Youth Group was happening in Buffalo, and Pastor Seth was bringing us all. So – so we knew that was when we could leave,” the words stumbled into each other, like she couldn’t get them out fast enough.

Pastor Seth. It had been so, so long since she’d heard that name, and she instinctively recoiled from it.

“And we snuck away right at the beginning of the first event, and went to the bus station,” Honor continued. “We got a ticket to New York City, and then one from there to here.”

God, they must have been terrified to do that. Living under their father’s watchful eye, his rules, they’d never done something like that on their own. Never.

“When was this?” She rasped out, trying to keep her thoughts organized, trying to keep herself on target before she could possibly give in to the emotions gripping her.

Because unless their father had kicked them out – which didn’t seem to be the case – there was no way he wouldn’t be looking for them. And she needed to figure out their timeline, as soon as possible.

Honor frowned slightly, the little pout so reminiscent of when she was little, Autumn had to stop herself from reaching out for her. “We were on the busses for…”

“The one to Manhattan was eight hours,” Haven filled in, “And then we had to wait for another three hours at the bus station, then a four-hour bus here. So, we arrived here yesterday morning.”

“And then we went to the building Senator Thompson works in when we got here yesterday, but you weren’t there.”

She ran the quick math in her head, figuring that they’d been away from the Circle of Mercy event for two days, now. They’d definitely been reported missing. Her mind snagged on a detail –

“What did you do last night?”

They exchanged a look, and it said all she needed to know. And all she could think about were her sisters, her baby sisters, spending the night out on the street in D.C., and…

She couldn’t stop herself from reaching out, landing a hand on both of their knees, squeezing gently. Solidly. And she hoped – desperately – they could feel what she was feeling. Hoped they could feel that they would never have to do that again.

In unison, both Honor and Haven dropped their hands to Autumn’s, and held. Held in that clinging, desperate way, the way they’d had when they’d been little, and scared of whatever their father was raving about.

“He’s trying to make us get married,” Haven said, her grip painfully tight on Autumn’s hand. Like now that she had an anchor, she could speak the full truth.

Maya choked on a breath, and they all turned to look at her. She was shaking her head, her hand on her chest. “I’m sorry. I… you two are fifteen.”

She sounded like she was breathless, so baffled, and – yeah. Autumn understood why Maya would be baffled by it.

Because it was absurd. It was insane. When you weren’t living in that world, where things like this were made normal, it was insane.

Autumn wished she felt as surprised as Maya did. Instead, she just felt this stomach-curling dread, so strong, it made her feel nauseous.

“Not married, technically,” Honor hedged in with a heavy, hopeless shrug. “But–” She flicked her gaze to Autumn, holding there as she explained, “It’s different, now, than when you were younger. You didn’t have to get engaged to Seth until you were eighteen. It’s sixteen now.”

“Oh my god,” Maya breathed out, sounding so distraught.

Autumn shared in that feeling, she really, really did. But she didn’t share in any surprise.

“Engaged at sixteen, and… married at eighteen,” she surmised, quietly.

Both of the twins nodded at her.

“And your sixteenth birthday is coming up in a few months,” she continued, everything clicking right into place in her mind, making her want to be sick at the thought.

But she couldn’t. There was no place for her to fall apart, here.

Not when Honor and Haven were staring at her with wide, scared eyes. Desperate and unsure, seeking salvation here with Autumn on a hope and a prayer.

“He picked out the Nicholas Patterson for me, and John Kirk for Haven,” Honor said, pulling a face that said she might be sick.

Haven, for her part, blanched, going so pale.

Autumn reeled back. “John Kirk is already in his twenties.”

Both of the girls nodded, jerkily, obviously riddles with anxiety.

“We can’t – we can’t do it, Autumn. We can’t,” Honor’s fingers dug into Autumn’s hand. “And you’re the only person we know that isn’t there.”

“Please don’t make us go back,” Haven added in a whisper, a pleading whisper. “Please.”

There was a resolve that settled through Autumn, stronger than steel, and she felt it with every beat of her heart.

“You’re never going back,” she promised, her voice shaking slightly with the emotion – the white-hot outrage and anger at her parents, her sympathy for the twins, and the ache she felt in the back of her throat for what this meant for her other sisters. For Cindy and Daisy and Florence, who’d certainly all been made to endure even worse circumstances than Autumn, herself, had.

It would be over her literal dead body that Honor and Haven would go back to their parents.

“We know that – that you have a whole new life and we don’t want to, we’re not trying to bother you–” Honor started, and Autumn had to cut her off.

Had to, because she couldn’t stand to hear even another second of it.

“I have never stopped loving both of you. I’ve never stopped thinking about you,” she swore, the intensity burning through her. “I…”

She – she couldn’t tell them her whole story, not right now. She wasn’t sure of how stable and secure any of them were feeling in this moment.

So she settled on a shortened version of the truth.

“Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me come back from the hospital that day, because I wouldn’t marry Seth. If I’d had a way to contact you sooner, I would have. But… you’re here now. And you’re staying.”

She’d wished there had been a way. She wished it even more now than she’d ever had in the past. But she’d been twenty-one and completely, utterly on her own. No job, no place to live, no phone, no – nothing. Just the clothes on her back, as she’d left the hospital that day. And the twins hadn’t even been ten years old; what could she have done for them?

But her life wasn’t like that, anymore. She could do this, now.

She hadn’t expected both of them to essentially fall into her – well, Haven fell into Honor, and Honor fell into her – like all of the energy, the fight, the adrenaline that had gotten them to her zapped from their bodies.

She huffed out a surprised breath at the weight of them, falling back against the cushion behind her, trapping Maya’s hand there. Which felt… nice.

Having the weight of the twins against her felt good. It made her feel like she had a purpose. Like she was able to actually support them in a way they needed so desperately.

Maybe this had been what it was all for, then. Everything she’d gone through had paved the way for her to be in this position, right here.

***

Autumn peeked at both of the twins through the crack on her bedroom door as she closed it behind her an hour later.

Honor and Haven had both taken showers, before they’d changed into some clean pajamas Autumn gave them, and talked them both into taking her bed to sleep. Something they both very clearly needed, with the bags under their eyes.

She’d then fussed over them a little bit, tucking them under her blanket as she’d smoothed their fine, blonde hair back against their respective pillows. It was like she was living in a memory from ten years ago that stitched together with the present, and it was so – surreal.

Everything felt surreal, but also startingly, shockingly, real.

In just the span of a couple of hours, her entire world was completely different.

This had happened to her once before, when she’d been kicked out of the family. But she’d never imagined it happening this way, in the reverse.

“Are they asleep?” Maya asked, quietly, from where she sat on the couch.

She glanced back into the bedroom, watching the slow rise and fall of Honor and Haven’s backs from her bed, as she nodded. “Out like lights.”

The literal second she’d managed to convince them to take the bed, when their heads had hit the pillows, they’d been in a dead sleep.

Because they’d barely slept for two days. On multiple busses, then on the fucking street.

Letting out a sigh from the very depths of her body, Autumn collapsed onto the couch next to Maya. She dropped her head back against the cushion, closing her eyes.

Honor and Haven were here.

She had so much she had to figure out.

It was incredible. It made her feel complete in ways she hadn’t in so long. It was overwhelming. It was… it was all a lot.

And that wasn’t even to name the actual complications –

“My father has definitely filed police reports,” she muttered, reaching up and rubbing over her closed eyes. “I need…”

She trailed off, unsure of where to even start in this moment, her thoughts moving a mile a minute.

“I’m harboring teenage runaways, who crossed multiple state lines.” A ludicrous, mirthless laugh escaped her. “How much trouble am I in, legally?”

She didn’t lift her head up, but turned where she was laying back to look at Maya.

“Legally, it’s… complicated,” Maya answered. Her dark eyes ran over Autumn’s face, slowly, like she was taking her in for the first time. “Your parents are actively engaging in a serious human rights issue. Flagrant child abuse. If there’s already a precedent of behavior, and multiple victims–”

“There isn’t a precedent,” Autumn cut her off, darkly. Derisively.

Not directed at Maya, but at her fucking parents.

Maya was quiet for a few seconds, before she hesitantly asked, “Honor and Haven made it sound like this is something they’ve done… before? For other siblings?”

She understood Maya’s hesitation. Because any other time Maya would have ever asked personal questions – something about Autumn’s family – it would be a total shut-out.

But that was over, now. In the blink of an eye, Honor and Haven had changed not only Autumn’s trajectory, but they’d also changed what was going on with Maya.

Maya was here. She’d heard everything the twins had gone through. There was no more barrier, because Autumn couldn’t try to figure out how to juggle that in the face of the events from today.

It turned out, there was a way to rip that wall inside of her down. She’d just never known how it would happen.

Feeling so raw, so wrung out, she shook her head, staring up at the ceiling. “Yes, they’ve done it, before. But no one would ever say that to the police. No one that knows the truth would ever report my father to the authorities.” She heaved another tired breath. “So, no. There’s no legal precedent, like that.”

Maya went quiet again, and Autumn’s eyes slipped closed.

She hadn’t slept last night, either.

Honor and Haven were here, sleeping in her bed.

She had so much to work through.

And Maya smelled so good, and she was so warm, and she was pressed right against Autumn’s side, and she was so comfortable, and she didn’t want to think about all of the messiness between them. She just couldn’t.

“Autumn?” Maya asked, and there it was again. That hesitation.

Autumn sat with it for a beat, but the truth of it all – feeling stripped right to her core – was that Maya was the person she trusted most.

Somehow, she’d climbed every defense Autumn could hold, and Autumn trusted her.

It was terrifying how much.

It was terrifying, how comforted she’d been just knowing Maya was sitting quietly at her side. But it didn’t mean it wasn’t the truth.

She hadn’t been able to face it last night, to face it romantically. But… right now, in this surreal shift of the world, things were different.

“You can ask me questions,” she said, the words rough in her throat, and she knew they didn’t sound like much.

But it was the biggest gesture she’d ever given. To anyone. The biggest leap of faith she’d ever taken.

It made her heart pound, but she wouldn’t take it back. She hadn’t planned this, but Maya was now a part of this. Maya was now in this with her, simply by virtue of Honor and Haven coming into contact with her.

“Why did your sisters think you…” Maya trailed off, rolling her lips, looking pained. “You were in the hospital? What – what happened?”

A breath shuddered out of her, and – yeah. She should have maybe expected this. No, she definitely should have, but she hadn’t really been able to think about it, holistically, yet.  

“Ah,” she breathed back, and the laxness in her body that had been brought on by sheer exhaustion dissipated. She pushed herself up on instinct, her spine straightening, shoulders rolling back, like she was a puppet on a marionette.

“A…” she had to pause, to clear her throat. “A similar story to the twins. I was engaged to Seth on my eighteenth birthday. At the very least, he was my age,” she muttered, feeling sick all over again at both the thought of the twins, and the memories of her past life. “He’d been my pre-approved boyfriend since we’d been sixteen. It was his goal to become a pastor at the church. At…” She hesitated again because it was instinctive.

But… Maya was here. She was involved now in potentially harboring teenage runaways for Autumn, for fuck’s sake.

She, at the very least, had the right to know what she might be getting embroiled in.

“At my father’s church. My dad is – he’s… Maya, to understand the twins – to understand me,” god, she almost choked on that, because she wasn’t sure anyone could fully understand her. Sometimes Autumn barely understood herself. “You need to understand my father. In the town where Honor and Haven and I are from, it’s… it’s a rural area, population fewer than a thousand people. And most of the people who still live there are members of the Circle of Mercy. Of my father’s congregation. In Millsted, Ohio, he’s essentially the king.”

That reality had caused such complicated feelings for Autumn throughout her entire life. In town, she’d often been deeply respected. Sometimes revered. Held to the highest of rigorous standards, and if she failed to meet one of those standards, there would be a swift punishment.

She tightened her hands where they rested on her knees, the floodgates opening inside of her mind and her nervous system, the anxiety sliding through her.

“I’ve known I was a lesbian for a long, long time,” she confessed, only it wasn’t technically a confession.

Maya knew she was a lesbian, obviously.

But she didn’t know everything behind it.

“Since I was a teenager, I – I feared it was the truth. Part of my father’s congregation runs a youth program, where other children are sent for… sinful behavior,” she whispered, the memories racing through her, making her heart race with them. “My father had my siblings and I “volunteer” there, to run different groups. To serve as examples of what the people sent to us should be.”

It made her sick, thinking about everything she knew. Everything she’d encountered there. And she had to try to swallow it all back.

“So, I was exposed to – to depravity. But I – it resonated inside of me. And that was petrifying,” the words left her in a whisper, the terror she’d felt as a teenager at how much she identified with those girls who were sent to Circle of Mercy’s program.

“Autumn…” Maya breathed out, sounding strangled, herself.

But Autumn couldn’t look at her. She just couldn’t.

“I shouldered my sexuality as my burden. So many devout people have to face their tests, you know?” She rolled her eyes at herself so hard it hurt. She’d learned through a lot of her therapy not to be upset with herself; she couldn’t have known better. But she did hold it against her family, against the entire congregation of Millsted and beyond. “I did my best to work through it, to ignore it. To be the best partner to Seth, to be the best daughter to my parents, to be the best example to my siblings and to our church.”

And every day that had ticked by had put her more on edge, closer and closer to the brink.

“But you didn’t get married to Seth… right?” Maya asked, softly, coaxingly.

She lowered her hand to rest, tentatively, on top of Autumn’s. Like she wasn’t sure her closeness would be tolerated or welcome, and why wouldn’t she be unsure?

If everything hadn’t happened today, it wouldn’t be welcome. Autumn would be shattering in a whole different way at Maya learning this about her.

Right now, with the twins sleeping in her bedroom, that thing inside of her had completely shifted. She had a different purpose, now. And if she was going to be able to fight for the twins, she had to be able to disclose her own story.

Maya… Maya was the safest person for that.

“No, I didn’t. I’d gotten into Ohio State – about an hour away from Millsted, so I was allowed to commute. My father had agreed to allow me to go to college before I had to get married.”

And she’d been desperate for it. She hadn’t begged or pleaded, because that got nowhere with her father. But she’d stayed calm and rational and had proposed the idea in a way that sounded beneficial to him and Seth.

“I’m shocked he let you go to college.” The disgust was dripping from Maya’s tone.

Autumn slowly nodded as she flattened her lips tightly. “He wasn’t worried I would ever choose something other than him or the life he indoctrinated me into.”

That was the root of it all. She was able to understand that, now.

“You’ve never known true hubris until you know someone who truly believes God is behind them.” And she knew from Maya, from open, uncomplicated, authentic Maya, that she’d never dealt with that kind of person. Autumn was happy for that. “Someone that truly believes he is the most righteous person. My father… he has never doubted himself. He believes he is the truth. And I was his shining example.”

“I was the most dutiful daughter. I helped my mother. I’m the oldest of ten children, and I was the second parent to most of them. Sometimes the first.” Especially once she’d turned fifteen/sixteen.

“Jesus,” Maya muttered, stroking her thumb over Autumn’s hand softly. Comfortingly.

“Literally, yes,” she grimly confirmed.

Maya let out a shaky laugh, and it bolstered Autumn to continue.

“I did everything I could to throw myself into college. To stay busy, to not think about Seth or my impending future. I double majored in communications and economics. I parented the twins, and Isaiah – my youngest siblings. But… it was happening. My college graduation was baring down on me, and–” She cut herself off, so clearly able to feel the sheer panic of what that had felt like for her, years ago.

“Autumn, what happened? How did you get to where you are?” Maya asked, sounding absolutely amazed.

She had to take a beat, to stare down at their intertwined hands. At the way Maya’s leg pressed into hers, and her shoulder. How Maya offered her this easy support. It was so at-odds with her past, because nothing had been easy, then.

“My senior year of college, I was starting to have panic attacks.” She scoffed, rolling her eyes at herself. “Of course, I didn’t know what they were. I could hardly sleep. I felt like my nervous system was constantly on alert. Seth was…”

She rolled her lips, shaking her head. No, she wasn’t able to go into those details.

“Eager. Ready,” she settled on. “And I was so conflicted. So scared. I knew it was what I should do, what I was supposed to do, what I’d promised to do. But…”

She shook her head, pivoting, because the way her thoughts hit her from the past was – messy. Non-linear.

And, really, it all came back to Honor and Haven.

“When the twins were born, I was fourteen. At that point, I was already the go-to person for most of my siblings, especially if our mother was busy. Because I was my mom’s second-in-command. I was her best friend, her main support system.”

As an adult, she knew how fucked up it had all been. She’d worked through how wrong it was, for her mother to have relied on her so much, to have put so much on her shoulders.

But when she’d been living it, she’d felt special. She’d felt trusted and responsible, like she’d gotten the highest seal of approval. For as much as she’d feared her father, she’d loved her mother. Two sides of the coin.

“When Honor and Haven were born, I was there. I was the one with my mom in the hospital. I held her hand. I was the first person to hold them.” And amidst all of the ugliness in her past, that was a moment she remembered with utter clarity, one that stayed so golden and bright for her.

The twins had always been special for her, starting from the moment they’d been born. And she had them again. She could help them. She could make it so they didn’t have to live the live their father decided, and they wouldn’t have to struggle the way she’d struggled.

Everything was different, now, she thought again, jarringly.

“Wow,” Maya said softly, seeming to understand the significance of that memory for her.

She nodded, managing in a long, deep breath. “So, I was the person in the room when the doctor told my mother about how critical her reproductive health was. When he said that if she experienced another pregnancy, another birth, that there was a very high chance for mortality. I was there when she gripped my hand, and looked so – scared.”

She looked down at that same hand. The one Maya was now holding, in a touch that didn’t ask anything of Autumn, a touch that only gave.

It was what made Maya so terrifying for her. Because Autumn had never experienced someone like that before.

“And only six months later, I was right there with my mother, when she announced she was pregnant with Isaiah. I was dumbfounded. I’d been so sure that my father couldn’t have known, and I begged her to tell him what the doctor had said.”

She’d been so terrified that she’d lose her mom, that all of her siblings would lose her. And she’d been so sure that her father would pick her mother’s life over having her die to have a tenth child.

“She told me that he knew. And that there was nothing they could do, because using birth control was a sin.”

Yeah, her stomach roiled in disgust the same way it had back then. It was the first time she’d been slapped in the face with how appalled she was by her father, by their religion. The first time she hadn’t been able to reconcile and make peace with the things that didn’t feel right.

Maya quietly exhaled, the sound just as heavy as Autumn felt.

She blinked back the burning behind her eyes, swallowing thickly. “The pregnancy was so hard on her. She was bed bound for most of it. She almost died giving birth. And… who was in the room with her, holding her hand?”

Her voice shook, beyond her control, at the thought. At how fucking terrified she’d been, not even sixteen, holding her mom’s hand until she’d been taken out of the delivery room.

Maya’s hand tightened on hers, her other arm coming to wrap around Autumn’s waist. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

Autumn leaned against her, tightly closing her eyes. “My dad… he didn’t even care. He wasn’t there.”

And when he’d shown up, he’d been happy-go-lucky. We have another baby boy! A blessing, he’d said, smiling down at her in celebration, as she’d stared up at him, horrified and unable to speak.

“My mom wasn’t ever the same after that. I didn’t know, then, but she fell into a major depressive episode. For years. So… whatever the twins needed, I took care of it. Isaiah, too, but…” She trailed off, pursing her lips.

But Isaiah was the baby boy. The miracle. She’d helped to take care of him, but he’d had love and attention showered onto him, always.

“And when I was in that final year of college, all I could think of was myself in my mother’s shoes. No birth control. Married to Seth,” she shuddered. “And what I wanted didn’t matter. My life wouldn’t matter.”

Queue the panic attacks that she’d been unable to quell.

“Over the holiday break, they were talking about my wedding in the summer. But… I’d applied to grad schools. And I’d gotten into Brown. I thought – I thought it could be this last-ditch effort to stave off the wedding for another couple of years. A way that I wouldn’t have to make my father angry or go against what I had to do, but just to put it off a little while longer.”

It was desperate, but it made sense to her.

She turned to look at Maya, desperate in this moment for her to understand, too. Where Autumn had come from, to understand how much it had taken for Honor and Haven to do what they’d done.

“I couldn’t fathom a life without my family. Just – leaving? It wasn’t an option. We didn’t even really know anyone outside of Millsted. Even when I was attending Ohio State, I wasn’t permitted to join clubs or organizations. My parents and Seth had my full schedule and knew all of my comings and goings.”

There was no judgment in Maya’s eyes, though. Just that soft, aching sympathy and understanding as she nodded.

“I had a panic attack, when we were talking about the wedding. A big one. A huge one. I thought I was dying; everyone thought I was having a heart attack.”

She’d believed it. She could still see her mother’s panicked expression.

“I passed out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. My mom was with me.”

That had been her moment. It was the moment of no return for her. When the doctor had explained, gently, what a panic attack was.

“She looked at me, the way she always did. Like we were in this together. Like she could help me, if I could just get the words out. And… I did. If there was one person I trusted, it was my mom. And she was begging to know what was going on, inside my head. So I told her. I told her about by depravity that I had to fight every day. And I told her I’d keep doing it. That I just wasn’t ready, yet, to marry Seth. I would, I promised I would, eventually. I just needed more time. I begged her to help me, to have her try to allow my father to let me to go to Brown. She told me it was going to be okay.”

Autumn’s breath left her in a rush, feeling like something heavy was on her chest, as she stared blankly forward. Remembering this all so clearly.

“But it wasn’t okay. Because she came back that night with my father, and she’d told him everything.”

God, she felt sucker-punched with the pain. The betrayal. How could her mom do that to her? She’d trusted her, after all her mom had entrusted Autumn to do over the years, and…

“No,” Maya whispered, squeezing her hand again.

She nodded, that hollow, aching weight inside of her.

“Yes. And… he told me. I could drop out of Ohio State, go through the Circle of Mercy program, and marry Seth, now. Or I would have nothing. They’d leave the hospital and leave me there – no family, no money, no support. Alone.”

She didn’t know what strength she’d had in that moment, but she’d found some inner-well of it. She’d found the shred of the thing she’d built her entire adult foundation on.

Before she even realized what was happening, Maya exhaled sharply and stood.

And she took Autumn with her, grabbing her hands and tugging her up. She followed without thinking, only to find herself wrapped up in Maya.

It wasn’t a hug, not really. It was too whole to be called a simple hug.

It was an embrace, and Autumn felt it all over. She felt comforted, all over. Supported. Held, in the truest sense of the word. Held, beyond the physical.

And Autumn… up until a couple of months ago, she didn’t even allow herself to be held, physically. But when she had, it was with Maya.

It seemed appropriate now that it was Maya that held her together as she fell apart.

Because she did.

She fucking broke apart.

The dam that she’d held together burst, and she sagged heavily against Maya, leaning her whole weight into her. She didn’t realize she was crying until she felt how wet Maya’s shirt was against her face, and she still couldn’t stop.

It was everything.

It was seeing Honor and Haven again. It was reliving her past. It was having Maya here, after everything that had happened just last night.

She shuddered with it as Maya rubbed her back, softly rocking them back and forth.

“I’m sorry,” she rasped out, holding tightly to Maya, pressing into her.

“It’s okay, I don’t even like this shirt,” Maya assured her, keeping her tone light.

Autumn hiccupped a laugh, even as it made her cry even harder. “Not for that. I’m sorry, Maya.” The words scraped against her throat, feeling so enormous. “For last night. For…”

She couldn’t even verbalize it all. For shutting her out at every turn, when Maya had constantly tried to show up for her. No, not tried. Had.

For knowing that Maya had wanted more, and keeping her as distant as Autumn could manage.

For leaving yesterday morning, when all Maya had wanted was for her to have breakfast with her. Because right now, given so much unexpected perspective, it was so small. Maya’s ask had been so small, and she’d been so in her head and…

“It’s okay,” Maya said, keeping her voice soft and soothing, continuing to rub Autumn’s back. “You aren’t responsible for my feelings, Autumn. I am. It’s okay.”

It wasn’t, but of course Maya said it was.

Of course Maya would still be able to look at her the way she was looking at her, Autumn realized as she pulled back just enough to look at her face. Without resentment or anger.

It was okay.

Maya hadn’t abandoned her. It didn’t have to be all or nothing with Maya, the way it had been in her past, with her family. Maya understood her, she was here for her. She was holding Autumn, and…

And Autumn just… she needed –

She leaned in, feeling this same desperation meld with want. With need. Want and need for Maya, specifically. To be as close to her as possible. To have her here, by her side.

It was messy and it wasn’t okay but it also was, and –

She reached up to cup Maya’s jaw, her kiss hard and intense, and she hadn’t gotten to kiss Maya last night. They’d ended things before Autumn had gotten to have just another taste, and the thought of it had haunted her all night.

The kiss only lasted for a few seconds – far, far too short, and she wasn’t near sated – before Maya shook her head, swiftly breaking the kiss.

She reached up and grasped at Autumn’s hand, tugging it away from her jaw to break the contact, before she angled her body back, so they weren’t touching in the same way.

Autumn felt the absence of her body like she’d jumped into a polar plunge.

“I’m here for you, Autumn. I am here, okay?” She squeezed Autumn’s hand in hers. “I care about you, like on a deep, fundamental level. And I think you’re brave and so strong and brilliant, and you’ve turned yourself into a diamond.”

There was a strength, a ferocity, in her voice that reflected in her gaze, and it gripped Autumn. Maya really did feel that way about her, that she was a diamond.

All Autumn could do in this moment was stare back at her, breathing heavily from their kiss and from the emotions pummeling her at all angles.

“I’m not going to desert you, when I think you’re going to need someone to lean on the most.” There was a sweet, melancholic smile on Maya’s full lips, as she gently reached up with her free hand and tucked Autumn’s hair behind her ear. “Romantically, this seems like it might be the worst time for something… more.”

She didn’t linger, as she finished pushing Autumn’s hair back. Not the way she would have, before.

“So, I’m here. But, I’m here like this.” She lifted their hands up, giving Autumn another reassuring squeeze. “Not… like this,” she gestured with her free hand up between their faces. “I’m here as your friend. If you want that.”

No, she didn’t want that, a voice called out from the very depths of her soul. She wanted so much more than that.

But she also didn’t not want it.

More than that, she… she thought she might need Maya.

Which had been the thing that had scared her the most, but she couldn’t outrun it.

If there was anything she’d learned today, it was that there was very little you could outrun forever. And maybe it was time to stop trying.

“I do want it.”

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