I Knew You Were Trouble - 19 (Patreon)

Say it together... Autumn needs to be protected...

Part Nineteen

Maya poked her head up when she realized the rays of light were coming in from Autumn’s bedroom windows.

The sun was coming up.

They’d ended up vacillating between being awake and falling asleep – mostly just silently checking in with one another – for a couple of hours. But it meant that they hadn’t yet gotten that much sleep yet.

And… they were going to be together. Which meant, ostensibly, Maya didn’t have to leave. Right? It wasn’t like the night before, when they’d had sex and she’d had to go. Autumn, by her own admission, was done running.

Bleary-eyed, she nearly laid her head back down on Autumn’s pillow. Was so close.

Until she remembered: the twins.

They didn’t know, yet, and she didn’t know when Autumn was going to be ready for that conversation with them. And it was not in Maya’s playbook today to mess this up less than twenty-four hours in.

Not that she really had a playbook where Autumn was concerned. That would, frankly, be impossible.

But she did know she had to be cautious. There was a reason Autumn had always made sure Honor and Haven didn’t know Maya was there at night.

With that, she gently leaned in and pressed a kiss to Autumn’s forehead. Taking a few seconds to breathe her in.

Autumn didn’t stir.

She didn’t let her eyes flutter closed, even though they wanted to. Because Maya knew there was a good chance that if she did that, she’d fall asleep again like this, her lips pressed to Autumn’s soft forehead.

Letting out a quiet sigh, she inched backwards, doing her very best to make sure Autumn didn’t rouse.

… damn. She’d forgotten until she was literally standing here in her underwear that she’d taken off her clothing. But she didn’t want to turn on the lights, so she started rooting around in the barely lit room with narrowed eyes, until she found her clothing.

Quickly, she tugged last night’s clothes on – she was rumpled, but she was definitely presentable – before she walked to the doorway. Pausing, to look at Autumn over her shoulder just… one more time.

This was happening between them. For real.

Biting back her smile, she opened the door and slipped into the living room, gently closing it behind her. She didn’t go far; just to the couch, grabbing one of the blankets folded over the armchair as she went.

Maya, fully dressed, in the living room? Total plausible deniability.

Plus, there was no way she was going to drive back home now, on barely any sleep, her eyes feeling gritty and exhausted.

She snuggled down on Autumn’s sofa…

And after what felt like five minutes, she blinked her eyes back open.

Immediately, she had to squint. The brightness in the room told her that it had, actually, been at least an hour or two since she’d passed out on the couch.

The light wasn’t the biggest difference, though, from when she’d fallen back asleep.

Nope, that would be the twins staring down at her.

Both still wearing flannel pajamas, their hair braided, their heads were tilted in the opposite directions. Their expressions were matching curiosity, as they both spoke:

“When did you come over?”

“What are you doing here?”

Their questions were simultaneous, and it took Maya a moment to register what, exactly, they were saying, as she attempted to wake herself up. Which was probably for the best, because she also needed to figure out the best way to play this.

Yawning, she reached up and rubbed a fist over her eyes, pushing herself to sit up a bit. Hoping it would wake her up.

“Ah – last night, after everyone officially left my place,” she answered that part honestly. “I figured it would be fun to have a, uh, sleepover. For Autumn’s birthday.”

She thought she sounded believable, but Honor frowned slightly, and Maya was pretty sure there was a fifty-fifty chance.

The great news was that she had the twins’ naiveté on her side. She was, actually, really certain that they wouldn’t believe something untoward happened, given that she was fully clothed and on the couch.

… Did that mean she was taking advantage of them? It was only with the best of intentions, so she figured it would be forgivable.

Honor huffed out a sigh. “Why did you wait until after we went to bed?” She demanded to know, sounding a little put-out.  

Honestly, Maya really liked that tone! Honor and Haven rarely ever sounded demanding in any way; nice to hear a bit of real teenager starting to seep in.

Haven nodded as well. “I – we’d have liked to have a sleepover, too.”

“The only sleepovers we ever had were… well, not great. Not, you know, with friends,” Honor informed her. “Not real friends, like you.”

Okay, damn. If there was a way to really dig right into Maya’s heart even deeper, there it was.

They both sat down on the couch, on either side of her. Even though they hadn’t discussed it, they moved in unison.

Maya breathed out a laugh, feeling squished between them, but in a nice way. “The next time we have a sleepover, we can make a whole slumber party out of it. How about that?”

***

Autumn had no idea how she was feeling when she woke up.

All she knew was that the first thing she did was reach for Maya, only to find her side of the bed resoundingly empty. That landed heavily inside of her, so strongly, it made her feel a little… hollow.

It didn’t make sense for Maya to leave. Maya didn’t leave. Maya never left.

But the night after she’d come over to see Autumn and – and say – what she’d said – she was just, gone in the morning?

This was Maya! Maya, who had wanted more time with Autumn even before all of this.

Knowing that, logically, didn’t necessarily make her feel any different. Unfortunately, Autumn knew very well that she couldn’t logic her way out of experiencing feelings. She’d tried that a lot throughout her life.

Sometimes, it got her where she needed to be, admittedly. Sometimes… sometimes it helped her keep her head held high and helped her keep moving forward, locking the emotional aspect of it all up tight.

But the emotions never went away. The last month had been a huge slap of reality for Autumn when it came to that.

All of the emotions she’d kept bottled up and pushed down, only peeking out when she discussed them – rationally as possible – in therapy… they’d been ravaging through her like a tornado.

She stared at herself in the mirror. “Even if Maya left this morning, she did not leave you,” she murmured, mindful to keep her voice down because she could hear the tv on in the living room.

Even when she decided to tell Honor and Haven about Maya, she didn’t want to discuss with them her issues regarding relationships.

Maybe Maya leaving early was, actually, a good thing?

After all, she’d probably done so because Autumn hadn’t told her to stay. And, frankly, Autumn didn’t really know how to… operate, now.

She’d been ready to move forward with Maya and admit that she had feelings for her. And then Maya confesses that she was in love with Autumn?! That hadn’t been part of Autumn’s plan.

That… okay, that actually made her feel a lot better about this situation.

Last night had been big. Huge, actually. And now, she could figure out the best way forward.

Nodding to herself, she went about getting dressed.

Even though the feeling of pulling on her clothing made her think about the sensation of Maya’s bare skin against her own.

She had to believe this would fade. Right? These were reactions from last night being so – so utterly intense.

Shaking her shoulders back, she opened the door to her bedroom, turning automatically to the spot on the couch the twins were always sitting in, always with their knees pulled up, huddled in closely.

Shock burst through her, though, when she locked eyes with Maya. The twins were both there, too, but… Maya was there.

Maya hadn’t left.

Good thing? It made her feel good.

But also made her feel – jumpy.

Literally, because she startled, jumping slightly.

“Maya!” Her name escaped Autumn in a surprised gasp, her heart turning over in her chest.

“Good morning,” Maya returned, sounding a lot more normal and relaxed than Autumn had managed.

Which was a good reminder.

She nodded, evenly. “Good morning. That is to everyone – good morning.”

Her sisters echoed the sentiment quickly, before Honor turned to look at her, leaning around Maya. “We made a list of the things we want to do the next time Maya sleeps over.”

The record-scratch inside of her felt jarring. What?! Next time Maya slept over? What… what did the twins know? What happened before she’d woken up?!

She dragged her eyes from Maya to Honor, echoing, “The… next time Maya sleeps over.”

Honor nodded, excitedly.

“Yeah,” Maya started, with a tone that regained Autumn’s attention. “I mean, it was kind of shitty of us. To exclude your sisters,” she pushed, making meaningful eye contact with Autumn. “When I came over to have this little birthday slumber party.”

Oh.

And… unsurprisingly, Maya had seemed to figure out a way to make this all very innocuous to her sisters. Because she was Maya. And – ridiculously – perfect.

“Right,” she murmured, offering a small nod.

Haven scooched in even closer to Maya on the couch, lifting up the blanket they were all sitting under. “Do you want to sit with us?”

“Yeah, sit with us,” Honor excitedly doubled-down. “We can tell you our ideas for the next sleepover.”

The next sleepover.

Autumn really had no idea what to make of that. Was it an easy way to excuse Maya spending the night? Was it something that was going to get them found out sooner rather than later? Was it too soon to introduce the concept of Maya staying over to the twins, even if they didn’t necessarily know the context?

As she hesitantly walked over to join them, sitting next to her sister – her, then Haven, then Maya, then Honor, all cuddled on one half of the large couch under the same blanket.

Honor and Haven launched into telling her their plans for the next “sleepover” and Autumn did her best to listen, but… she struggled.

Her stomach was completely unsettled, and she fidgeted slightly with her hands in her lap.

She and Maya were in a – her breath rushed out of her lungs, her cheeks heating for no outward reason – relationship. Autumn had never been in a relationship of her own choosing, before.

And simultaneously to that, Maya told her she loved her, which had sent everything inside of Autumn into a tailspin. She’d had the night and she still didn’t know quite how to process it.

Was – was she relieved? Was this relief? Was she happy? Was this what the feeling inside of her was, underneath the panic of it all?

Would she have been happier if Maya wasn’t here right now? Not that she’d have been happy about Maya being gone, but would it have been better to have some time to settle with this new reality? The reality of being loved, like outwardly, openly loved, by Maya Lindsay?

Who was just… sitting here, laughing with the twins, snuggled up on her couch… Autumn’s heart skipped a beat. Then another. And she had to work on regulating her breathing. Going on a run right now would probably be nice.

“Doesn’t that sound like a great idea?” Maya’s voice cut through the din of her racing thoughts.

She blinked widely, turning to turn and face three expectant pairs of eyes. Honor and Haven’s looking very genuine. Maya’s looking… knowing.

“Yes,” she agreed, having no idea what she was voicing agreement to. With that, she stood up. “I’m just–” She sharply cleared her throat. “I’m going to make breakfast. Omelets?”

She didn’t wait for responses before she made her way into the small, adjoined kitchen. She knew Honor and Haven would both be happy with an omelet, though, and she also knew Maya would be.

After pulling the eggs out of the fridge, she paused, staring across the open part of the kitchen, into the living room at Maya’s profile. Okay, she had to lean slightly to the side to be able to really see her properly, but…

There she was. Still sitting there. Her hair was rumpled from sleep – had it been that way when she’d left Autumn’s bed, or was it like that from having laid on the couch?

Maya, as if sensing her, turned and locked eyes with her.

Autumn sharply turned away, and continued to the counter. Was this going to be the new normal? Would it start to feel normal?

“Hey,” Maya’s voice came from her left, and Autumn startled again.

There she was, leaning against the archway in the kitchen. Looking so at-ease, so relaxed in a way Autumn desperately wished she could learn to figure out.

Maya kept her voice down even though she didn’t say anything inappropriate, “Don’t worry about an omelet for me; I think I’m going to head home.”

“Oh.” Autumn frowned, gripping the handle of the silicone spatula she’d grabbed even tighter in her hand.

Even though she’d felt that complicated mix of emotions at having Maya here, she also didn’t feel good about having her leave. It hit her like a freight train, the intensity with which she desperately wished she could just feel normal. Feel the way a typical, normal person would feel. Why did it always have to be so… complicated?

Well. She knew why. She just wished it was different.

Shaking her head slightly, she looked back down at the eggs. “I thought you’d left. When I got up.”

“Only as far as the couch,” Maya needlessly clarified. She seemed to hesitate before she pushed off from the archway and closed the distance between them. She approached slowly, laying her hand gently on the small of Autumn’s back, then paused. Waiting to see how Autumn would respond.

She released a long, low breath, not pulling away. Not even wanting to. Instead, she turned to look directly at Maya. “I…”

She didn’t even know what to say. She didn’t know how to voice the feelings inside of her when it came to Maya. Not even close.

Maya angled the slightest bit closer. Not in any way that could be seen and interpreted by the twins as romantic, but close enough that Autumn’s stomach tingled with it, which intensified as Maya stroked her thumb lightly back and forth.

 “I didn’t think you’d want to have the twins wake up and realize we’d spent the night together in your bed. I mean… we got away with the sleepover after finding me on the couch. In your bed?” She tilted her head back and forth as if weighing imaginary scales.

Autumn managed a smile in response. “Yes, I’m not sure we’d have managed to get away with that.”

Honestly, they could have tried to – if they’d been dressed.

Maya nodded, her eyes carefully trained on Autumn’s. “By the time I get home, Tort will have been alone for at least twelve hours. Plus, with all of the people over yesterday, he was mostly sequestered in my bedroom. I should spend some quality time with him today before jumping back into work tomorrow.”

Which made sense. That all made sense.

Autumn nodded. “That’s a good idea.”

Maya’s understanding was etched right into her expression. She glanced around, seemingly making sure the coast was clear, before she leaned in and pressed a kiss to Autumn’s cheek, right next to her lips. Swift and fleeting, but Autumn felt the impression of her soft lips even as she pulled back.

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

***

Autumn lifted her fist and knocked on the door. On Maya’s apartment door.

Maya had left her place two hours ago.

She’d finished making omelets.

Listened to Honor and Haven excitedly discuss the idea of sleepovers – real ones, not church events. Autumn deeply understood the difference. Not that she’d ever had sleepovers the way the twins were talking about. With friends. But she liked the theory of it for the twins, especially if they hosted it at their apartment.

And she’d thought about Maya.

About what the last twenty-four hours meant. About what Maya loving her meant.

About her own… issues.

And she’d decided before she could think twice about it that she really needed to talk to Maya today. That it couldn’t wait.

The twins were behind her, but all she was truly aware of was her heart pounding in her chest. She was doing her best to breathe through the tension that was so close to lacing through her.

That was lacing through her.

But she didn’t want it to. She didn’t want to give into it. Actually, she wouldn’t. Because she’d promised Maya that, and she was holding herself to it.

Maya opened the door only a few seconds later.

Her hair was damp from a shower, tossed into a messy bun where it would dry into cute waves, tendrils of her hair were falling down around her neck. Her cheeks looked beautifully flushed from it as well, as a slow smile curled over her perfect mouth.

Tort was in her arms, purring as Maya held him securely, rubbing under his chin.

For the craziest moment, Autumn fixated on that cat.

For the most insane moment, she thought… how lucky Tort was.

To be wrapped up with Maya, to trust her so completely, to feel so at ease with her. Even though he’d started out abandoned and scared, causing him to lash out.

The ridiculous thing was that Autumn wished she was there. She wished she was at that point.

Wouldn’t it be incredible, if she could skip past all of the hard parts and go right into the soft and easy ones? Wouldn’t life be so wonderful, if that was possible?

It would have saved her – and Maya, particularly, which was what Autumn truly wished for – a lot of time and heartache.

But that wasn’t how life really was.

“To what do I owe this unexpected visit from the Altons?” Maya drawled, cocking her hip.

“We decided to go out for ice cream,” Honor supplied.

Indeed, that was the excuse Autumn had used to leave the house. She was craving ice cream; was anyone else? And her favorite place happened to be down the street from Maya’s apartment. Also a lie; she’d had to look up the closest ice cream place to Maya’s apartment.

But it was an innocent enough lie, and the ice cream was good, so.

“We got you one,” Haven said, softly, holding out the to-go cup they’d brought.

Maya’s eyebrows furrowed – it was clear to Autumn that she easily saw through her excuse – but she didn’t voice that. Instead, she nodded, reaching out with her non-Tort-holding hand to take the ice cream. “Thanks.” She flicked her eyes to Autumn, before inviting, “Why don’t you… come in?”

Autumn nodded. Yes, that was the goal here.

As soon as they were through the threshold, she cleared her throat. “Actually, I need to talk to Maya. Privately. About… work. Some sensitive information. Would you two mind putting the ice cream in the freezer?”

Maya offered the covered cup back to Haven.

“Can I take Tort?” Honor asked with a renewed interest.

She’d very much enjoyed whenever they’d spent time here with Maya’s cat.

Maya easily agreed, leaning in so they could transfer Tort. Who pushed his head against Honor’s neck, purring even louder.

“What a traitor,” Maya muttered, but she winked at Honor, who beamed back.

It was very cute. Very sweet.

And Autumn couldn’t revel in it, because she didn’t have time to lose her nerve.

She started toward Maya’s bedroom, gripping Maya’s hand and pulling her along. Admittedly, Maya didn’t offer any resistance.

When she securely shut the bedroom door behind her, she dropped Maya’s hand, shaking her own out. As if it would held rid her of nerves.

“This is starting to feel very familiar,” Maya gently teased, obviously referencing the party the day before.

Which was fair. And kind of funny. But Autumn couldn’t really do funny right now.

“I just… want to make it very clear to you that I struggle, very much, with… love. And, ah. Abandonment. And…,” she trailed off, unable to voice everything else.

Because she needed to make no mistake – there was a lot that went into “everything else” and she was very aware of it.

Maya’s eyes were still light, turning a little soft, as she stated, “Autumn, I’m not sure how much clearer I can be without being at all insulting: I am deeply aware of this.”

She almost managed to tick her lips into a smile, but didn’t quite manage it. It was more like a grimace. “I wish everything was simple. I wish that – that now that we’re going to be…”

“Together,” Maya supplied, cautiously. Seeming like she wasn’t sure if she should allow herself the smile that tugged at her lips at the idea.

The word made Autumn’s stomach flutter in a sensation that was both pleasant and terrified at the same time. “Right.”

Because she and Maya were going to be together. For real. Actually together. Whew, that gave her another rush.

She tightly rolled her lips together, shaking her head, as she blew out a harsh breath. “Honestly, Maya, I wish for you even more than for me, that reality was like a movie. That now that you’ve told me you…”

“Love you,” Maya supplied again, this time a little softer.

Autumn swallowed thickly, her stomach clenching even tighter. “Right,” she confirmed, again. “I wish things could be simple now. Solved, because I really do believe that. I really believe you.”

She stared, intently, into Maya’s dark eyes. Needing her to understand – to see – that Autumn didn’t have doubts. She might doubt a lot in this world, but she believed in how Maya loved her.

And smile that stole over Maya’s mouth was so beautiful, it made her ache inside.

“I just – I need you to know that there’s a good chance,” Autumn cut herself off with a mirthless laugh. “Actually, there is more than a chance; there is a certainty. That more days like how I was this morning are going to happen. Days where I’m…”

She lifted her hand, waving it through the air. Silently encompassing… well, herself.

“Times where it’s harder for me to feel open or relax into this. Days where it’s more difficult for me to simply accept the kind of love you have for me.”

Wow. She’d said it. She’d said it, aloud, that Maya loved her, and she – she didn’t even know. It made her want to cry, but in a good way. In the best possible way.

But also in a way that was so… hard.

Before Maya could say anything, Autumn shook her head and cut her off. Because she knew Maya would say something wonderful and perfect and, “You’re a very patient person, Maya. I know you are. I’ve… I’ve felt it, I’ve gotten to benefit from it, for our entire relationship. Even before we were having sex.”

“I think you know that I’m not always a patient person. Just when I think something… or someone… is worth it,” Maya said, quietly. Earnestly.

“Ugh, there you go, doing it again.” Autumn turned sharply on her heel, pacing for a few seconds, before she paused a few feet farther from Maya, where it was easier for her to think. “I just – I need… I need to tell you more, about me. About…” She trailed off, feeling that kneejerk reaction inside, the one that made her want to clam up. To straighten her spine and get the hell out of a potentially sad or uncomfortable conversation. But she wouldn’t. She was done with that. Where Maya was concerned, at the very least. “I need to tell you about the people who’ve told me they love me.”

That was the thing that had circled around Autumn’s mind over and over upon Maya leaving her place earlier.

She had no idea what Maya had been preparing to say, but whatever it was very obviously fell right back down her throat, swallowed up by her surprise.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Maya said, even though she was very clearly wanted to know.

She arched her a look. “Maya, I can see it in your eyes. You want to know.”

“I want to know everything about you; that’s not really the point right now.” Maya asserted, so freely. Without any hesitation. “The point is that… we’re here. We’re doing this. We’re in a relationship. Right?”

Autumn didn’t hesitate this time. She nodded, firmly. Yes, they sure as hell were. She wasn’t going through all of this internal stress and the potential heartache and the palpitations and the sweeping emotions for anyone else, or for any other reason than to be in a relationship with Maya.

Who looked very satisfied. Happy, even, as she held Autumn’s stare. “Great. Now – am I going to expect you to be more open and honest with me as time goes on?” The light and easy expression on her face sobered a little, fading into something very serious. “Yes. I am.”

Whew, there were the nerves again. But nothing Autumn didn’t anticipate.

“But I don’t want to push you.” The slightest edge of uncertainty worked into Maya’s voice, as she took a step closer to Autumn. “I need to know that your history and your life are on the table to talk about, and I do need to know that we’ll be able to have real, honest conversations about it. That you won’t shut me down or shut me out when those times come.”

Autumn nodded again, this time slowly and a little stiltedly. But – she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t shut Maya down again, because she… she couldn’t say the words, but she couldn’t lose Maya. And Maya wasn’t asking for anything unreasonable.

“You aren’t pushing me for this. But… that’s why I need to tell you. So, if we have a bad day, or when we become more… serious,” she was very proud of herself for managing that. “I just need to tell you, Maya.”

“Okay,” Maya readily agreed, the sweetest, most patient grin tugging at her lips. “Look, I don’t have it in me to turn you down from sharing more about yourself more than once. I want to know.”

“There’s that whole too patient thing I was talking about,” Autumn shot back.

“Well, where would we be if I wasn’t?” Maya returned, but in the perfect tone. No malice, no grudge. Teasing and light, in a way that made Autumn feel at-peace.

She intertwined her fingers in front of herself, tightly. She – she just had to begin. “My mom, uh, she used to tell me she loved me.”

Unfortunately, Autumn figured that was where she had to start. Both her mother and Seth were wounds inside of her, and they cut deeply in two different ways.

There was no more lightness, no more teasing etched over Maya’s expression. She went still, her eyes wide and luminous, and already looking at Autumn so… tenderly, she had to turn away from it. Because she wanted to share herself with Maya, but it was so difficult when she looked at Autumn like she was so precious to her.

She, instead, walked over to Maya’s bedroom window, peering out at the street below.

“I know that’s not revolutionary. And I know my mother was far from a great person, but… I think she did love me? I think she loved all of us, as best as she could, in the life she had.” The life she still had.

She inhaled sharply, digging her teeth into her cheek.

“That was why I was able to accept so much. Of her behavior. Of the things she did – her going along with everything my dad did – without questioning it, really. To rationalize it.” She scoffed, unclasping her hands to fold her arms tightly around her chest, instead. Containing herself. “And because of the whole… cult mindset sort of thing.”

It had been so crazy, when she’d started getting into therapy, to have to face that. That she’d been brought into a certain way of thinking since birth, and that so many aspects of her life was not normal. That she’d known in so many ways throughout her life that things didn’t feel right. She did have instincts, and she was a smart person, and –

“In so many ways, growing up that way, made me… doubt myself. In ways you can’t possibly understand,” she broke off, her voice so soft, as she shook her head. “And I would never want you to understand.”

She turned to look at Maya, imploring. Searching her eyes, hoping that even though Autumn couldn’t verbalize it all yet, that Maya could see what she meant. Could see her.

“Growing up there, growing up like that, you… you see things and experience things that you know,” she tightened her arms against her chest. “Aren’t right. But then, someone like your mom – who you believe actually loves you, because she really does? Somewhere inside of her – tells you that things like being put in the basement locker and writing your verses is acceptable.”

Autumn’s eyebrows crinkled tightly, feeling her chest ache. The way she’d known it would, if she opened this door. The way it did whenever she opened the door to these thoughts, which was why she never did.

“But when someone that you love and trust – the person you love and trust more than anyone – tells you these things are okay and normal, it,” a sharp exhale cut through, leaving her breathless for a moment. “It skews the way you trust yourself. The way you trust anyone else who… who says they love you.”

She blinked rapidly, pushing back the hot sting of tears. She wasn’t done, and she wasn’t going to devolve, here. She was going to push through.

“And then – then, she told my dad. About me. And she stood there, and let him tell me I was nothing.”

She held both of her hands out, stopping Maya before she could complete the single step she’d started to take closer.

“Please. I need to say this. And I don’t know if I can if you’re right here.”

Autumn could literally see that it pained Maya to not come closer to her, to not comfort her.

But she could also, obviously, see that Maya listened to her. She stayed a few feet away, even though she was primed and ready to leap forward and pull Autumn against her, to hold her.

And because it was Maya, and because they were where they now were, Autumn would let it happen. She knew she would melt into Maya. She’d potentially even break down against her. But she didn’t want to do that now.

Closing her eyes, she sighed, and gingerly reached into the pocket of her jeans. She drew out the engagement ring she’d brought with her from her apartment, letting it sit in the middle of her palm. The cool metal felt like it was burning her, as she and Maya both focused their attention on it.

“And then, there was Seth. Who… before you, before last night, was the only person who’d ever told me that in a romantic way.”

Maya’s eyebrows furrowed as she stared down at the ring, so many silent questions written into her face.

“Seth, um. Seth was a lot of things. He was my dad’s protégé, by the time he was sixteen. He was heavily involved at Circle of Mercy. He led bible studies for children’s groups. He was given very trusted jobs during worship. He’d started to ask to court me by the time I was thirteen.” She grimaced at the very memory.

She’d had less than no interest in Seth. In any boy, clearly, given her sexuality. But even beyond being a lesbian, she’d been young. She didn’t have any desire to court with anyone.

“How old was he?” Maya asked, her voice measured in a way that told Autumn she was doing her very best to stay calm and level.

“He was fourteen, so… it was all age-appropriate. Which – which, really, was very lucky. Because look at the twins. And, according to them, what’s been going on with…” She couldn’t bring herself to say it, to mention their other siblings.

Their other sisters. Cindy and Daisy and Florence, who were all married now, to men their dad had chosen out of pure convenience.

Autumn had been lucky, truly.

“Seth was my age, and he wasn’t unattractive, I suppose, and…” She trailed off again, because there wasn’t much else she could say that was positive about him. “And I was lucky, on that front. All things considered.”

This time, Maya did step forward. Approaching Autumn carefully, like one would a rabid animal. She slowly reached out to take Autumn’s free hand in hers, lightly stroking her thumb over Autumn’s knuckles.

“Just because your sisters were put in – horrible – worse situations than yours, doesn’t mean that you need to think of yourself as lucky,” there was a passion laced through Maya’s words, something unwavering, and it reached inside of Autumn, grabbing at her.

That… that was difficult for her to accept. Even though she knew it was true. She nodded slightly, though, because she was working on internalizing that.

“I – we started ‘dating’ when I was sixteen. That was when my dad would allow us to truly date. Because what Seth was, most of all, was around. All of the time.” That was what she thought of the most.

How he’d been at her house constantly. Showing up all of the time. How he’d managed to coincide his volunteer hours at the church and the program with Autumn’s.

“He was a year ahead of me in our school, but… it was a very insular school, in our community. So even then, he was around. And when we weren’t in school, starting when I was thirteen, he was always there.” A frown tugged deeply at her lips, her stomach twisting. “He so insistent, all of the time. Like. Us being together was a foregone conclusion.”

“From when you were thirteen?” Maya asked, quietly, her fingers tightening gently on Autumn’s.

She pursed her lips, slowly nodding. And with that, she retracted her hand.

Not because she didn’t want Maya’s touch, but because she did. And she wasn’t done, yet.

“And… he was right.” Something heavy and cold and dark slithered through her veins. “He was absolutely correct, because he’d expressed his intentions to my father. So. Seth was permitted to be around the house and the church and the program near-daily. With me. And when I turned sixteen, I was ‘granted’ the right to start dating him.”

God, she’d hated it. She’d wished – for the first time in her entire life – that her father would be more strict. She’d wished almost any other boy from their congregation expressed interest in her, because her father likely wouldn’t have allowed him to have near the access that he granted Seth.

“That was how I really knew how much my father thought of Seth. Benjamin – my brother – was allowed to start courting a girl without him being supervised, when he was fifteen. It was the girls’ parents’ prerogative to supervise. And my dad? He always kept a close eye. But when it came to Seth? I was ‘able’ to be with him without my parents around. It was like… he was Seth’s dad, more than mine, at that point. He had to choose which one of us he was going to fully stand behind. And it wasn’t me.”

Her stomach twisted again, and she was grateful she’d only had a few licks of her own ice cream before putting it back into the bag Haven had been carrying. She’d likely be getting sick, otherwise.

“At first…”

She blinked, staring over Maya’s shoulder.

“When we’d started dating, it moved slow for a while. Mostly because I never wanted to do anything with him. I didn’t have a choice, and I knew that. But I was heavily involved at Circle of Mercy, and in helping with the twins because that was when my mother was in her deep depression. So I was able to get away with quite a bit, not being available for him, because I was providing for the twins or our other siblings.”

She’d been allowed to brush Seth off when she was doing things to uphold their family, when she was fulfilling other familial duties. So, she’d thrown herself into that even more than she’d done before.

“But… eventually, Seth started figuring out ways to manage for us to go on actual dates. Alone.” Ever fiber of her very being felt like it was locked up tight when she went back to these moments. She’d gone back through this part of her life before, in therapy, but she still didn’t want to do it again. “And when I turned eighteen, we got engaged. I didn’t really have a say; it was just… what it was.”

Autumn’s lips twitched down at the corners, before she rolled them even tighter. Managing to hold back the feeling of wanting to be sick.

“The night we became engaged, we had… he… we had sex,” she stated, flatly, quickly. Pushing out the words as clinically as she could. “We’d done – a lot, before that. A lot more than I’d ever wanted, but just like everything else with Seth, it felt beyond my control. I was far from ready to have sex. And I was even farther from willing.” She paused, her breath catching in her throat as she looked down at her hands. Counting in her head, she continued her breathing, deep and even. “I don’t want to go into detail–”

“You don’t need to,” Maya rushed to say, and it was clear that she was vibrating with the need to leap closer to Autumn. Wanting to be closer to her.

“I just… every time it happened, that was how it was,” her voice was so strained, so tight, it hurt coming out of her throat.

It was what Seth wanted and when it wanted it, and Autumn – Autumn just went somewhere else, inside. Wasn’t that how it was supposed to be, after all? Based on everything she saw from her parents – not that she’d ever seen them have sex, but still – that was exactly what it would be like.

What her father wanted, her father got.

Even knowing that the complications from the twins being born could result in fatal issues in another pregnancy – even though Autumn knew her mother didn’t want to be pregnant again, didn’t want to go through it – sure enough, she’d still gotten pregnant with Isaiah within the following year.

“That’s just how it was. It’s how it is, there.” She lifted her gaze back to Maya’s, needing her to understand. “I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t get to have an opinion. Not about my body. Not about who I was going to be in a relationship with.”

And that wasn’t even taking her sexuality into consideration; she’d have been essentially betrothed to Seth no matter what, even if she’d wanted to be with a different man; it wasn’t her choice to make.

She flexed her hand around the ring, before opening it again. Looking down in disgust.

“I don’t keep this ring because it in any way makes me feel good things. Positive thoughts or associations.” Even saying that made everything inside of her revolt with how far from reality it was. “I kept it because it was one of the only things I had from my life. And… whether it was good or bad, sometimes – especially in the first year or two – when I didn’t feel connected to anything, I felt like I could just – just drift away.”

Her breath was coming a little choppier, a little faster, but she couldn’t make it stop. Couldn’t slow it down.

All she could do was agitatedly get the ring out of her hand, onto the dresser. Not wanting contact with it anymore.

“For years, I thought – I felt like I was this close to not even existing, anymore. So… I kept it. I kept whatever I had that could possibly give me a connection to my life, even though it wasn’t a life I had anything to do with, anymore. Even though it was a life I wouldn’t have chosen to go back to, even if I was able to.”

That had been a big moment for her, in the past. The day she’d realized that even if her parents invited her to come back, that she wouldn’t have to marry Seth and they just wanted her to return to the fold – she’d have turned it down.

“The ring is also a reminder of that. That… that it was right for me to leave. Even when it was the hardest thing in the world to feel that kind of alone. It was right.”

Because she couldn’t have survived living the way her mother did. Living the life her mother had led. She’d barely managed to get through a few years of engagement with Seth. A lifetime?

Autumn knew in her bones she literally wouldn’t have made it. One way or another, she’d have been out of there.

“I don’t know how to be loved,” she said, the voice hoarse and scraping against her throat as they left her mouth. “And certainly not the way you love me.”

With the twins, she understood. With the twins, it made sense.

She’d been, essentially, a parental figure to them, she’d been there to see them through all of their childhood milestones. She knew they loved her and she loved them, but… it felt parental to her, too.

There was a very different feeling, being loved by Maya. Being loved by someone who was so selfless. Being loved by someone who loved Autumn for exactly who she was and not only didn’t demand anything back, but didn’t expect anything, either.

It made her feel very off-kilter.

And overwhelmed.

And scared.

And… ecstatic. And all of these good feelings she had inside but was unfamiliar with.

“Can I hold you now? Because I’m, like, this close to jumping forward, but I really need you to tell me it’s okay,” Maya whispered, her hands tightly clasped together. Autumn could visibly see how she was containing herself.

She nodded, releasing a tremulous breath as she felt Maya sweep her into her arms. Holding her so tightly.

Almost too tightly, but… but Autumn liked it. Because she didn’t know if she’d ever felt so grounded. So present. Like Maya was physically holding her here. Her arms were firmly around Autumn’s waist, her hands pressed flat against Autumn’s spine, and Autumn felt like… like she’d never have to be concerned about drifting away again.

Not if she had this.

“You don’t have to do anything. Anything other than what you’re already doing,” Maya promised, her breath warm against Autumn’s ear. “All I need is for you to show up like this. I know how hard that is for you. Especially–”

Her words were choked off, and Autumn could feel how her breath hitched in her chest with how tightly it was pressed against her own.

She tightly closed her eyes, her arms wrapped around Maya’s shoulders just as firmly.

“Thank you for telling me,” Maya whispered, her voice heavy with emotion.

“I just… I need you to know,” she managed back, squeezing her eyes closed.

She needed Maya to know, because she couldn’t risk doing something that would push Maya away again. She needed Maya to know, because even if Autumn had bad days, she needed Maya to continue to love her, to be patient with her.

She needed Maya to know because Autumn loved her right back, in a way she couldn’t yet verbalize, but she feared she’d be unable to live without.

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