Caroline Parker: Paragon of Self-Control (Patreon)

Caroline and Hannah were the poll winners last month, so here we go -

Keep your eyes open for the poll tomorrow, as hot July will continue!

Caroline knew something had been on Hannah’s mind all afternoon, but she hadn’t known quite what it was.

It hadn’t been overt – then again, Hannah wasn’t typically an overt kind of person. She sat with her thoughts, she steeped in them, and was typically very mindful before coming to a decision. It was in her nature. At the very least, it was in her nature since their relationship had started. It was only every so often that something took root in Hannah that she couldn’t push down or ignore, and then it would come bursting out.

They’d returned from the picnic Caroline’s law firm held at the beginning of every summer only an hour ago, and had both gotten to work preparing for the big day tomorrow. The “big day” being that they were expecting about fifty people over to their house, as they were hosting a barbecue for Abbie’s soccer team and their families. This summer season was Abbie’s last session with her travel team, given that she would age into a new bracket when she turned thirteen, and she very much wanted to have the team come over to their place for a big party before it was all over.

Thus, they’d both pivoted to preparing for the party.

For Caroline, that meant mostly chopping whatever food Hannah put in front of her. She held up the cutting board to show off her handiwork. “Ta-da. They say I can’t cook, but no one can say I can’t follow instruction.”

As far as she could see, the carrots she’d julienned were perfection.

Hannah glanced up at her, then eyed her carrots. A small smile played on her lips. “I don’t think anyone would accuse you of that.”

With that, Hannah went back to preparing the pork she was going to undoubtedly slow-roast to perfection.

Caroline narrowed her eyes slightly, dragging them over Hannah’s face. It was there, in the slight tightness around her eyes, the firm set of her bottom lip that screamed at her something was still on Hannah’s mind. That whatever she’d been stewing on at the picnic hadn’t faded.

Normally, Caroline was a slow-and-steady kind of gal. As much as she could be, anyway. Especially regarding Hannah.

The reality of life was that things – and people – that were worth having, that meant the whole damn world, didn’t often happen easily. Hannah was who she was, the amazing woman Caroline had fallen for, because of everything she’d gone through in life.

Admittedly, Caroline was positive she’d fall for any iteration of Hannah. But that was neither here nor there, given she couldn’t prove that. 

Nothing at her job happened immediately. Building strong cases took time.

She viewed her relationship with Hannah somewhat similarly. Good – great – things could take time.

But… that wasn’t to say Caroline couldn’t at least try to speed that time up a bit and ask a few probing questions.

“Soooo,” she drawled, sliding herself and her cutting board closer to Hannah’s designated work station at the island. “Do you want to share what’s on your mind?”

She didn’t miss the way Hannah’s movements paused just for a second, before she shook her head and continued to tie some sort of string around the cut of meat in front of her, hands moving quickly and diligently. “No. I’m just cataloguing the food we have to prepare. I think getting the potato salad ready is the next step.”

“Mhmm,” she hummed back, arching Hannah’s profile a curious stare. “While I’m sure that is on your mind, do you want to tell me anything about… what else might be on your mind? Specifically, from earlier today?”

She could see the way Hannah’s jaw ticked, before she cleared her throat. “Ah – not particularly.”

Okay, Caroline was confident enough to push farther. It wasn’t a hard line in Hannah’s tone, not a this is a boundary right now, I don’t want to be pushed. “I mean, there is clearly something going on. We dropped Ab off at Jared’s, we went to the picnic – you were in a great mood.”

“I wasn’t saying there wasn’t anything that shifted for me. I just… don’t think there’s a need to share it,” Hannah murmured, her eyebrows furrowing, as she took to seasoning the pork.

Well, this conversation was already moving quicker than Caroline had anticipated, with the agreement that something was, indeed, off.

“If you feel super strongly about that, I will back off. But if you wouldn’t mind, I would love to be enlightened.”

Hannah paused, dropping her arms to brace slightly against the counter, before she heaved a sigh. “It’s, frankly, embarrassing at this point.”

Interested piqued, Caroline leaned in, reaching out and landing her hand on Hannah’s lower back, comfortingly. “There’s literally nothing you would ever need to be embarrassed about when it comes to me.”

She at least hoped Hannah felt that way; they’d been together for a few years now, so if she didn’t feel it by now, when would she?

“I know. It’s embarrassing because it’s the same – it’s Lane,” Hannah muttered the office admin’s name like a curse.

Caroline didn’t know why she was surprised. Mostly because this was far from the first time Hannah was driven crazy by Lane in the last year or so. But she was, mostly because, “I barely even saw her.”

“Well, she saw you,” Hannah’s tone was sharp and dark, in a way that was so unlike her normal voice – and in a way that never failed to send a little shudder down Caroline’s spine. “She couldn’t really keep her eyes off of you.”

With that, Hannah turned to look Caroline over, her gray eyes stormy.

“And who can blame her?” It seemed that Hannah was talking more to herself than Caroline.

“It’s not like my shorts showed my ass,” she contested, barely managing to hold back a snort of laughter.

She had worn shorts and a short-sleeved shirt – still one of her dressier tops, given that it was a work-event – but no one wore their office-wear to the picnic. Caroline had blended in perfectly.

“They don’t need to. Lane still looks at you like she’s ready to tear your clothing off, right there at the picnic.”

“I’m more than a piece of meat,” Caroline joked.

But Hannah didn’t smile back at her. “Yes, you are. You’re the entire package.”

Caroline tilted her head in thought. “I thought after the holiday party,” god, what a party that had been, when Hannah had planned ahead to fuck Caroline’s brains out in her office, “That you’d put Lane’s office crush out of your mind.”

“And I do, most days,” Hannah assured her. “It’s not as though I think about her daydreaming about you every day you go into the office.”

“Good.” Because Caroline didn’t think about Lane… at all. She spoke to her in the same demeanor that she spoke to anyone else at the office. A little more detached, even, given that she was aware of Lane’s crush.

Their professional contact was fairly limited, though, and beyond that there was nothing else she could do. Lane had never made an overture toward her or said anything inappropriate, that would need to facilitate anything changing regarding her employment. All Caroline could do was hope Hannah was well aware that she never had anything to be concerned about.

“But I know she was talking about you – about us – when I went over to grab us drinks,” Hannah continued, clearly agitated. “She didn’t use names, but she didn’t have to. She was talking about – ridiculous – about validity and seriousness of relationships prior to engagement. And while I am not,” she stated firmly, turning to hold Caroline’s gaze with intent. An intent Caroline deeply appreciated. “Insecure about you or us, I…”

She trailed off, turning back to look blankly down at the counter in front of her.

“I know that our relationship moves at the pace I’m ready for. Because you are… you. And I’m not intent on an engagement or marriage, but it does set me on-edge thinking about this woman who is in love with you–”

“She has a crush,” Caroline gently cut in, but she felt like it was a valid distinction to make.

Lane didn’t really know her; she couldn’t actually love her.

Hannah scoffed. “Anyone with a crush on you would just as soon fall in love with you, because everything they think you are – you are.”

Caroline almost melted every time Hannah said something like that to her. Like… right into a damn puddle. For all of Hannah’s very sweet assertions and beliefs that people in Caroline’s life would simply fall at her feet in love with her, it hadn’t been the case. But it meant everything to her that Hannah believed it so ardently.

Hannah paused, before huffing out a breath, looking back down at the counter. “Given our recent history at your work functions, I’d assumed my issue was fairly obvious.”

“Well, sweetheart, you didn’t pull me behind a tree and show me who I belong to,” Caroline only half-joked.

Because, well, that was Hannah’s thing when she got jealous.

And Caroline had really come around to it. The last thing she ever minded was Hannah’s jealousy – even though it wasn’t founded in the least – playing out in her being all over Caroline and making her come so hard she forgot the real world for several minutes.

Hannah narrowed her eyes. “Don’t laugh at me,” her voice was quiet and pleading, laden with embarrassment. Adorably, there was also a hint of petulance in a way that Hannah typically never had about her.

Something Caroline had always loved about Hannah – something that had helped to make her fall so damn hard – was her determination and her strength. That iron will she’d managed to forge in the most difficult time of her life.

Petulance didn’t really mix with that. So this side of her girlfriend wasn’t something she often experienced.

The great thing was that Caroline adored all sides of her.

She ducked slightly in order to lock onto Hannah’s gaze again. “Does it look like I’m laughing?”

Hannah’s eyebrows furrowed, her lips tightening into a thin line as she pointed out, “You had on that… smile.” She arched Caroline a look. “Don’t tell me that I don’t know this face. I know every expression. Therefore, I know you were close to laughing.”

“Okay,” Caroline relented. First, because Hannah was right. Second, because it was incredibly difficult for her to deny this woman anything. “I was… amused,” she agreed. “But even if I’d gotten to the laughing phase just now, it wouldn’t be me laughing at you.”

Hannah hummed softly, eyes narrowing slightly. “I don’t enjoy this feeling. I’ve never cared like this before. But… when it comes to you…” She trailed off, shaking her head.

And didn’t that just make Caroline’s stomach burst into ridiculous, toe-curling butterflies?

“It makes me feel insane, specifically because I do want everyone to see how wonderful you are. I want everyone to take note of you. I want you to have all of the recognition you could ever have.” The look on Hannah’s face was so intense. “And you’re so gorgeous; it’s only logical that sometimes, that recognition is going to include people appreciating your looks.”

With that, Hannah looked away, shaking her head back and looking up at the ceiling.

“But, like I said, it makes me feel like I’m going out of my mind. Not only about the Lane of it all, but feeling this needing, sharp, possession, and being alone in that feeling is like–”

Now, laughter did fall from Caroline’s lips. An incredulous one, and she didn’t intend to interrupt Hannah, but she couldn’t help it. “Sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just – do you think I don’t get jealous?”

The very idea was so ludicrous, she couldn’t help but be amused by it.

Hannah tossed her hands into the air with a heavy shrug. “It certainly seems that way.”

Even though she knew Hannah couldn’t touch her because of the food preparation situation, it didn’t mean Caroline couldn’t touch Hannah. With that, she reached out and landed her hands on Hannah’s hips, turning her so they were facing one another. And still, she didn’t let go, keeping her hands right there, feeling Hannah’s subtle curves under her palms. “Do you want to know the most jealous I have ever been in my life?”

Hannah’s gaze searched hers, and… wow. She really didn’t know.

“I guess it makes sense that we didn’t discuss this because we weren’t together. In fact, I didn’t even think there was a chance of us ever being together. But that first summer, when Jared asked you out, I have never been so eaten up with jealousy in my life.”

Hannah’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “What? Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously.” She squeezed Hannah’s waist as an extra affirmation.

“But… you never said anything. I mean. You did, but not about romantic-type-jealousy.”

A dry chuckle escaped Caroline as she rolled her eyes. “I thought you were straight. What was I going to say? No, you can’t go out with my brother – a good man who would have treated you well – because I, your lesbian friend, have feelings for you? And that it wasn’t about friendship or you spending time with him, it was about the fact that he would get to be with you in all of the ways I wanted to be with you?”

Yeah, no. And Hannah really couldn’t disagree, because they both knew that Hannah hadn’t wanted to know about Caroline’s feelings, then. Which, honestly, was likely why she had willfully not recognized Caroline’s jealousy for what it really was. Bare minimum, a contributing factor.

Hannah’s lips tugged down into a considering frown. “I can see how that would have been… uncomfortable to bring up at that time.”

Caroline nodded, before she tilted her head back, holding Hannah’s eyes with her own. “So, do you feel better? Knowing that I was jealous?”

Hannah’s lips pushed into a thoughtful pout. “I suppose. Slightly. It might have been better if you were driven to be as out of control as I seem to be.”

“Yeah? You think it would have been better if I’d walked up to you and kissed you because I was driven so insane by the thought of you with him?” Caroline slowly lifted her eyebrows, as she stated, “Because I think, respectfully, you would have run away screaming.”

Offended, Hannah reeled back. “I am confident I would have enjoyed kissing you, even then.”

With the way Hannah’s voice dipped and her eyes lingered on Caroline’s mouth, heat washed through her. She licked her lips in response, watching how Hannah watched her.

“Oh, I’m sure you would have,” she agreed, because she was sure it was true. “But when it was over and you had a moment to think? You’d have run for the hills.”

She kept her tone light and teasing, because she really didn’t think there was any negative about what she’d said. It was very likely the truth. Hell, a month after that, they’d nearly kissed, and Hannah had shut it down immediately. Not because she wouldn’t have enjoyed it, Caroline knew that now, but because of what it would all mean.

Hannah released a long, deep breath. “Okay. You’re right.” Still, she swayed slightly closer. “Chances are, I would have shown up on your doorstep sooner or later afterwards. You are, after all, an incredible kisser.”

With that, Hannah ducked her head and captured her lips. A kiss Caroline eagerly returned.

“Ahem,” Abbie pointedly cleared her throat from the doorway only a few seconds later.

Caroline didn’t immediately pull back, but she and Hannah both let out a breath, gentling their kiss. She blinked her eyes open, locking onto Hannah’s, as she shot back to Abbie, “Might I remind you, Ab, that you walked in on us. Weren’t you going to set up the second goal outside when you came home?”

Even though she was giving Abbie grief, she didn’t feel any ire inside. Being interrupted was simply a fact of life, living with a pre-teen. Especially one that did feel so comfortable making teasing little comments at them, and Caroline loved that Abbie did.

Abbie pulled out one of the stools at the island, settling onto it. “Might I remind you two that you are in a common space.” Her mouth tugged down in a slight frown. “You two really love making out in the kitchen, by the way. I’m not sure that’s normal.”

“We don’t love making out in the kitchen,” Hannah returned with a little scoff.

Caroline paused, thinking it over.

Abbie, however, rolled her eyes. Hard. “Ha. Right. Listen, as I always say when I find you here – you know, be sappy and clingy and whatever, that’s your right. But right now, there’s food everywhere. Isn’t that some sort of safety hazard?”

Caroline barked out a laugh, returning to her perch at the island, which was closer to Abbie than Hannah. In doing so, she deliberately bumped into her. “We weren’t even close to the food. And, for the record, we weren’t making out.”

The look Abbie gave her was one of complete and utter disbelief. “Yeah, right.”

Caroline arched her eyebrows, shaking her head with a small smile. “If you think so, then you really haven’t walked in on us all that much…”

“That’s gross,” Abbie intoned, even though she was laughing through the face she pulled. “Anyway. What can I help you with?”

Hannah tilted her head toward the bag of potatoes. “Chopping for potato salad.”

She held up her hands. “Woah. Woah. I thought I was doing that.”

Abbie hopped up on her stool and reached for the potatoes, dragging them towards herself. “Uhhh, I got it.”

Mock-offended, she held her hand to her chest. “I did a wonderful job on the carrots. Some would say exemplary.”

With that, she meaningfully aimed a stare at Hannah.

Who chuckled, conceding, “I didn’t use the word exemplary, but yes. They were beautifully done.”

“And yet you still have Abbie – at twelve years old – over here, assigned to the potatoes instead of me,” she huffed out. Even though she felt no actual irritation, she couldn’t help but add, “I really think the record should reflect that I did manage to fend for myself when it came to cooking before you two came along.”

She didn’t miss the look Hannah and Abbie exchanged.

“I’m not saying I was Gordon Ramsay or anything, jeez,” she grumbled.

And she couldn’t hold back her own smile when both Abbie and Hannah started laughing.

***

“Abbacado, have you seen your mom?” Caroline asked, nabbing Abbie’s attention as she ran by, clearly intent on getting back to the makeshift soccer game in the side yard.

Abbie slowed but didn’t stop, continuing to walk backwards even as she turned to face her. “Um – yeah. I think she was talking to Fiona’s mom? Over there, around the other side of the house where we set up the chairs in the shade.”

“Thank you. And thanks for enforcing the no running around the edge of the pool rule!” She called after her.

But, really. Caroline knew it wasn’t a “fun” rule, but Abbie abided by it, and had made a point of making sure everyone else did, too.

Abbie gave her a bright grin and a thumbs up before she spun back around and hurried back to the game.

And Caroline went on her mission to find Hannah. Much like cooking, Caroline could carry out the marching orders, but Hannah hadn’t given her the rundown on exactly when she should be checking in on whatever she had finishing up food-wise. But most of the appetizers they’d had out for the first hour of the barbecue were just about gone, so she assumed it would be nearly time for everything else to be done.

They’d separated when everyone had started to arrive, deciding to take on a divide-and-conquer mindset. Greeting different groups of people, maintaining different areas. Amidst the arrivals – which were more part of Caroline’s purview – they’d lost track of one another.  

The chairs they’d set up in the share on the other side of the house were Hannah’s suggestion. Unquestionably a better party/event planner than Caroline was, Hannah was prepared for guests to possibly want – or need – a few chairs set aside in the shade, away from the pool and the side of the house where the girls were playing soccer.

She rounded the corner, finding that Abbie’s assessment was right. Hannah, in her blue tank top and white short-shorts, was standing several feet away, her back mostly to Caroline. Hannah was adjusting the chairs, tugging the final one into a different position, as she was following the sun for maximum shade.

And – god, Hannah was a vision. Even without being able to see her head-on, Caroline felt that swift, heady pull of attraction. Her pale blonde hair was twisted up into a bun, leaving her neck and shoulders bare. Well, save for the tied string of a bikini around the back of her neck. The summer sun had given her a light tan already and brought out a small smattering of freckles on her shoulders.

Caroline released a soft sigh. She fucking loved that this sensation of being struck by Hannah’s beauty hadn’t faded at all since they’d gotten together. She couldn’t imagine it ever would.

True to Abbie’s word, Fiona’s mother Tara was standing next to Hannah, her back to Caroline as well.

“– all of that just to say: it’s such a shame that Abbie and Fiona won’t be able to play on the same team again next year,” Tara finished whatever else she’d been saying that Caroline hadn’t heard.

“Yeah, Abbie really loves this league,” Hannah responded in moderate agreement. And what she said was true, Abbie did love the league, though she and Fiona weren’t particularly close.

“I’m going to miss these little parties, with the team and the parents,” Tara reached out, laying her hand on Hannah’s forearm. Caroline’s eyebrows lifted so high on her forehead, she wondered if they were still on her face. “It’s been so wonderful getting to know you in the last year.”

Caroline knew she wasn’t imagining a damn thing when she heard the inflection in the word wonderful. Lower register, all flirty.

And what, exactly, was that supposed to mean?

Yes, there had been several practices that Hannah had stayed for the entirety of when Caroline had to work, but… everyone knew she and Hannah were together. They went to every game together. As a couple. Hell, everyone was at their house right now!

Hannah nodded slightly, her eyebrows furrowing as she glanced back up at the sky, lifting her hand to shield her eyes. In doing so, she displaced Tara’s touch.

“You know,” Tara continued, after hurriedly clearing her throat. “I heard a little rumor that you used to be verified PTA-genius.”

That was enough to give Hannah pause, as she fully shifted her attention to Tara. “I wouldn’t put it in nearly those terms. But, yes, I was at the head of organizing events for Abbie when she was in elementary school…?”

Tara’s smile widened. Caroline’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, that’s amazing. I thought some of the rumors had to be true. I’m in charge of managing logistics for the bake sale for Fiona’s school, and I was wondering if I could pick your brain?”

Hannah slowly nodded, her hands falling to her hips. “All right.”

Hannah looked expectantly at Tara, and even from a distance, Caroline could see that quiet intensity in them. She loved that intensity.

Tara seemed to be caught up in the same feeling. It took her a moment to respond, “Right! I actually don’t have questions now. But, I will. Soon. Do you mind if I text you?”

“That’s fine.” Hannah’s lips pursed, and she tilted her head, clearly working over something in her mind.

Not that Tara would know that, Caroline inwardly rolled her eyes. Which – this was… ridiculous. Caroline wasn’t Abbie; she didn’t make it a habit to be an eavesdropper. If any conversation Hannah had while they were at this barbecue had any merit, she’d tell Caroline about it later. Caroline was absolutely positive about that.

Just as she took a step closer, shaking her head at herself, Hannah decided to ask: “What other rumors are there?”

All right. That had Caroline coming to a stop as well.

Tara paused. “What?”

“You said you thought some of the rumors had to be true. What are the other rumors?” Hannah pressed, seeming to have no problem finding the words.

Caroline was also riveted to the spot, wanting to know the answer.

“Oh,” Tara dragged the sound out. She bit at her bottom lip, before she answered, her voice dipping low. Low enough that Caroline strained to hear – but, she did. “Just – some gossip, probably.”

Hannah frowned at her, obviously dissatisfied by that answer.

Tara’s eyes lit up as she leaned in closer, her tone absolutely salacious. “If you really would like to know – people have wondered if there’s anything behind you and Caroline not being married. Some of the other moms speculated that you two were maybe in an open thing, after that practice where you were joined by… Jess, was it?”

Hannah reeled back, her eyes wide at first, before they narrowed and her cheeks flushed. Her mouth opened, then closed. Then opened again, then closed again. Surprised and then flustered by that surprise was just the kind of combination that would send Hannah searching for the right words.

While Caroline was sure she’d find them, she was now burning from the inside.

What the literal fuck?

She wasn’t necessarily shocked by the gossip. Caroline hadn’t ever known more gossipy circles than the PTA-and-sport parents she’d met. Not just the moms, either; the dads she’d now encountered who were involved at school activities were sometimes even worse. And the parents in the travel soccer circuit – a handful from Abbie’s team, at least – were worse than the school-parents. There was a reason Caroline didn’t really care to socialize with them. When she was at Abbie’s travel games or practices, she mainly just focused on Abbie.

Hey, at the very least, it was nice to know her instincts were dead-on.

She clearly hadn’t been misreading anything about Tara’s tone. And Caroline… she wasn’t overly familiar with this kind of jealousy. What she’d told Hannah was true: before they’d gotten together, the kind of envy she’d felt about the idea of Hannah being with someone else had run bone-deep. More intense than any kind of jealousy she had ever felt before in her life.

Since they’d gotten together, though, there hadn’t been much jealousy on her end. Even when their relationship had hit the rougher patches in the first year or so due to their misalignment on marriage, she hadn’t felt insecure about Hannah or their romance.

And she didn’t feel insecure now. She could see the rising flush on Hannah’s cheeks, and even without that, she knew that Hannah had absolutely no interest in this woman. In anyone else.

But the fact that Tara – no matter what she’d heard – believed for any reason that the door would be even cracked open for her to flirt with Hannah… just, no.

No.

Pointedly, she cleared her throat, and watched like a hawk at their responses.

The tension in Hannah’s posture lessened even before she turned to lock eyes with Caroline.

It seemed Tara sapped up that same tension, her muscles going taut. Good.

She approached them slowly, feeling vaguely like a tiger stalking prey. “Hannah, love, I need you.” She deliberately cut herself off there, waiting a second before adding, “Your input for the food situation, that is.”

Hannah nodded, already turning toward Caroline to meet her in the middle. “Right, it’s about that time.”

She didn’t waste any time sliding her arm around Hannah’s waist. The color in Hannah’s cheeks stayed there, as she leaned slightly against her, and Caroline relished the feeling of Hannah’s body against hers.

“Tara?” Caroline started, glancing over her shoulder. “For the record, I’m not a fan of gossip. Especially anything that spreads baseless rumors about my very solid, very monogamous relationship.”

The same viscerally satisfying feeling Caroline had when she succeeded at work slid through her now, at the widening of Tara’s eyes and the way her mouth opened, but nothing immediately came out.

“Do you and Tara chat often?” Caroline asked, her voice light, as she walked toward the back door to the house. Her pace was casual, but the feelings churning inside of her were anything but.

People were gossiping about their relationship? Was that what happened when she and Hannah didn’t go out for drinks with the handful of parents after some of the games?

Hannah frowned, before shaking her head dismissively. “Not often. Here and there at Abbie’s practices.” She waved her hand, looking curiously at Caroline. “As you know, since you’re usually there at the same time.”

“I just find it interesting,” Caroline mused. “Because I actually don’t know. I’m not sure she and I have ever exchanged words beyond pleasantries.”

In fact, she was sure of it.

Which made the clawing jealousy inside of her grow even stronger. No, she wouldn’t necessarily even qualify it as jealousy. Possessiveness, really, was what she felt simmering in her veins.

She’d never been more serious about anyone in her life than she was about Hannah. Knowing that anyone talked about it, questioned it – and then thought they could possibly have a chance in bringing it up to Hannah made Caroline feel like she’d been dropped into some alternate dimension.

They closed the slider behind them, and Caroline slid her arm from Hannah’s waist, to grab her hand instead, leading them to the attached walk-in pantry right off of the back of the kitchen.

To her surprise, Hannah didn’t hesitate to go with her. She didn’t even seem to question Caroline’s intention.

“It stands to reason that Tara likes to take advantage of the days I’m not around to sit with you,” Caroline stated, sharply closing the pantry door behind them as well.

They were going to need some privacy. Just for a couple of minutes; she was mindful that they had dozens of people milling around at a party they were hosting.

“I–” Hannah cut herself off when a sharp intake of breath when Caroline swiftly turned and pushed her against the door.

She pressed herself up against Hannah immediately, feeling the soft curves of her body, and it made her heart start a steady thumping in her chest. With every solid beat, the blood thrummed through her veins and in her ears, and she breathed in Hannah’s scent – always sweet, and currently combined with warm sunshine on her skin. Caroline was intoxicated by it.

“I love your lawyer voice,” Hannah finished, sliding both of her hands up. One carding through Caroline’s hair, the other cupping her jaw, both angling to pull Caroline in for a kiss.

She was already going in, herself.

“It’s the only one I have,” she breathed back, before she felt Hannah’s lips against her own.

She took a few seconds to simply feel her. To revel in the softness of Hannah’s mouth, the sweet taste of her.

It never got old. Kissing Hannah, having her like this… Caroline felt the same heart-pounding rush now that she had a couple of years ago. The newness had gone, but not the way her body reacted.

Feeling Hannah’s lithe body against her own, the way her hips seemed to automatically rock into Caroline’s as soon as she took Hannah’s bottom lip between her own, sucking on it. She shuddered, feeling Hannah scratch her hand down her neck, then dig in.

Even with the way the heat fanned through her body, Caroline had to be cognizant of time. Of the situation.

They had dozens of people here, they were hosting a barbecue.

Sooner rather than later, people would come looking. Especially curious, gossipy people who might be looking for more fodder.

The thought made a growl rumble out from the back of her throat, and she slid her thigh in between Hannah’s, working them apart.

Not that Hannah had any resistance to her, as she started rocking down against Caroline.

She swallowed Hannah’s breathy moan, the sound reverberating through her own body, right to her own clit.

Nipping her teeth into Hannah’s lip, she broke their kiss. But didn’t pull back at all, instead she trailed her mouth over the sharp line of Hannah’s jaw.

When Hannah kissed her and when she felt Hannah’s lips on her body, it drove Caroline inside. But being the one doing the kissing made her feel the same needy desire. Feeling Hannah’s soft, fevered skin under her mouth was intoxicating.

“You think I’ve never been jealous?” Caroline rasped out as she trailed her lips to Hannah’s ear. “That I wouldn’t be jealous?”

She tugged her earlobe between her teeth, feeling Hannah’s hips jerk down into her. Caroline’s shorts ended at the perfect spot so she could feel how hot Hannah was through the thin linen of her own shorts.

She wanted to feel Hannah ruin these shorts, wanted to feel her wetness against her thigh.

“You don’t have to – oh my god – react like this to prove something to me,” Hannah shuddered against her, jerking her hips down harder.

Caroline could feel the press of her hard clit against her, and even though she’d known, exactly, what her intention had been when bringing Hannah into the pantry, there was no turning back now.

Every one of her nerve-endings felt alive with the single-minded desire to make Hannah come until she knew without a doubt that she was all Hannah would think about for the rest of the day.

“I’m doing this because there is a woman at our home who thinks it was appropriate to test the waters. And that makes me feel crazy. And a little possessive,” she could be honest about that, at least.

Caroline dragged her lips down Hannah’s neck, not lifting her head as she moved. She didn’t want to disconnect them, didn’t want to not feel Hannah against her. Couldn’t imagine not feeling her, actually.

“I–” Hannah’s breath hitched, and Caroline felt it. “I can un-understand that.”

“Yeah?” She whispered, before she ducked her head lower.

Caroline took one of Hannah’s hard nipples into her mouth through the thin material of her shirt. She groaned, knowing that all Hannah had on underneath was an equally thin piece of fabric of her bikini top. She felt Hannah’s hands claw into her hair, gripping tightly at her.

Caroline didn’t intend on going anywhere, but it made a sharp, hot needy feeling cut jaggedly through her entire body. Turning her into one aching pulse, just like how she knew Hannah felt based on the way she was fucking herself against her thigh.

She dragged her teeth a little harder over Hannah’s nipple than she normally would, with the shield of the shirt and her bathing suit.

Hannah’s ragged cry echoed through the pantry as she shuddered, grinding down into Caroline harder. Her movements were desperate, searching.

And Caroline was more than happy to give her the answer she was looking for.

She slid her hand down to the hem of Hannah’s tank top, before dragging her fingertips up over the soft skin of her stomach. Feeling Hannah shiver against her fingertips before she flattened her palm against her, and so slowly moved back down.

She paused when she dipped into the waist of Hannah’s shorts.

“Please,” Hannah gasped out, nodding quickly. “Caroline – touch me. I – please.”

She didn’t hesitate.

Sliding her hand down lower, she simultaneously used her foot to force Hannah’s legs farther apart. Hannah didn’t offer any resistance, only tightening her grip in Caroline’s hair, the other grappling for purchase on Caroline’s shoulder.

Caroline might have groaned even louder than Hannah when she worked her fingers over Hannah’s soaking wet pussy.

Hannah moaned, long and low in her throat, as Caroline pressed her fingers against the length of her slit, but didn’t press inside of her. Not just yet.

“Car – j-just–” Hannah dug her teeth into her bottom lip, cutting off the sound of her own begging.

Caroline blinked up at her, curling two of her fingers just enough to start to press inside of Hannah but not quite entering her. Not more than her fingertips slipping ever so slightly into her heat.

“You want me to fuck you?” She had no problem vocalizing it, what she wanted. What they both wanted.

Hannah nodded, quickly. “Yes. Yes, inside.”

Even if Caroline wanted to tease and draw this out longer – they didn’t really have the time. Later. But not now.

She slowly pressed her fingers deep inside of Hannah, working her thigh underneath them to press even firmer, even deeper.

Caroline closed her eyes at the bite of Hannah’s nails against her shoulder, the pain ramping up Caroline’s own arousal.

“The first time we ever had sex, you wanted me to be more… overt in what I wanted. In taking you. Do you remember?” She asked, sliding her fingers out, before slowly, firmly thrusting back in.

Hannah dropped her head back, and Caroline followed the long line of her throat as she thickly swallowed. “I, I remember,” Hannah breathed out, her eyes tightly closed, as she tried to rock her hips down into Caroline, tried to get more friction.

“And then yesterday,” she continued, keeping this pace she’d built. Slow, but hard, feeling Hannah’s walls clench around her every time Caroline buried herself inside. “You commented on my not feeling jealous the way you do. And we both know what your response is when you feel jealous.”

She leaned in, nipping her teeth against Hannah’s pulse as she grinded her palm down against her clit.

The hand Hannah had grabbing onto her shoulder tore away, slamming against the pantry door behind her.

“It’s okay. You like when I fuck you. When I just decide to take you,” her voice was hoarse, the arousal clouding every sane thought she could possibly have.

She fucked Hannah faster,

“I – I do,” Hannah agreed, the same desperation Caroline could feel in the movements of her hips echoing through her voice.

“I know. I love it, too.”

She knew they were being too loud. She knew that every time she thrust into Hannah then worked the base of her hand into her clit, they thumped against the door.

But she was drunk on it, and she couldn’t stop. Wouldn’t stop, not until she felt Hannah come all over her. She needed to feel Hannah’s orgasm pulse around her fingers.

“You’re the only one who ever gets to feel me this way. When you decide you have to have me, to take me. You are the only one,” she murmured, dragging the tip of her tongue down the column of Hannah’s throat.

“Yes, oh my god, yes. Good. Yes, I – fuck,” Hannah’s words were nearly incoherent, her hips were losing all semblance of a rhythm.

“And I am the only one to have you. I don’t care if we ever get married. I don’t care if other women see you and see how beautiful you are, if they realize you’re into women, and they want you, too. You’re mine, Hannah.” With that, she brought her mouth back to Hannah’s, as she fucked her even faster, tapping her palm against her clit in rapid succession.

When she felt Hannah’s hips stutter, she pressed her fingers as deep as she could, grinding her hand against her clit without pause. Working her over and feeling Hannah’s walls clench around her, felt her clit twitching against her.

She swallowed every gentle cry and moan that Hannah let out as she came, dragging out her orgasm as much as she could.

Until she felt the tension leave Hannah’s body, leaving her leaning heavily back against the door. Like she was being held up only by Caroline, like she needed her.

So, she stayed there, reveling in the closeness for several more moments. Breathing her in. Trying to get a hold over her own thrumming need, because – they really did not have the time right now.

Even this was pushing it, but… she hadn’t been able to really stop herself.

Very gently, she pressed a kiss to Hannah’s lips. Then found herself lingering longer than she’d expected, the softness of Hannah’s mouth pulling her in. Making her feel dizzy with the taste and the way she could still feel Hannah’s heart pounding.

Finally, she inhaled deeply through her nose and pulled back. Forced herself back, was more accurate. But she couldn’t hold that against herself; she was weak for Hannah. She always had been.

She gently slid her hand from where she’d had it pressed between Hannah’s legs still – not inside of her, just touching. Breaking all contact, so they could attempt to get themselves back together.

She could only imagine the vision they made. Well, she could of course see the vision that was Hannah, with her back leaned against the wall, her tank top pushed up over her stomach, her nipples still hard. Caroline couldn’t see herself, but she was sure her face was flushed and she felt like she’d run three miles with how hard her heart was pounding.

Just looking at Hannah made her heart skip a beat, and she reached out, gently pushing Hannah’s hair behind her ear with the hand she hadn’t just had buried between her legs. Smoothing down the silky soft strands that had become askew in the last few minutes, then simply lingering there for a beat. Enjoying the closeness in here, before they went back out.

“So… that’s you being jealous,” Hannah murmured after several seconds, still leaning back heavily against the door.

A small smile toyed on Caroline’s mouth, as she shrugged. “Well, that’s me acting on jealousy.” She searched Hannah’s eyes with her own, smile falling away slightly as she explained, “I think that the way we experience that is different.”

Some of Hannah’s soft afterglow faded as she took in Caroline’s comment, obviously coming back down to reality. “How do you mean?”

“I mean…” She let out a deep exhale, shrugging. “From the moment we met, I saw how attractive you were. I’ve been aware of my attraction to you since literally day one. But – you were married, so you were totally unattainable. And after that, when we became close, I was very much aware of my feelings for you and how deep they went long before you knew you were queer. At least, long before I was aware of it.”

She thought back on it, her stomach twisting in a combination of pity and sympathy for her past self.

“Hannah, the situation I was in? Being a lesbian in my thirties and falling for my ‘straight’ friend? Not being able to stop myself, even though I knew better? That is, truly, the definition of lesbian hell.”

A scoffing laugh pushed from Hannah’s lips.

Caroline couldn’t help but return it, even as she insisted, “I’m serious. Even though you didn’t do anything to make me feel like I was dying – other than being incredibly lovable – it was still something I had to figure out. I had to mentally get on board with the fact that you were going to date or fall in love one day. I still wanted to be your friend, and I definitely didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. So… I had to get on board with that. Jealousy is a part of that.”

She’d had to learn how to manage those feelings, even if she hadn’t loved it. Even if she hadn’t wanted to.

It didn’t mean she didn’t feel them, but… it was different, for her, than it was for Hannah.

“You know that what Tara said is absolutely ridiculous, though. Right?” Hannah asked, her voice so quiet, incredibly somber. There was an edge of concern etched into her features.

“That… because we aren’t married and because we have queer friends and because we don’t make a point of going out to drink and hang with the gossip-brigade, our relationship is open? I definitely know that’s ridiculous,” she agreed with a teasing smile.

But Hannah shook her head. Then paused, grimacing in distaste. “I mean, yes, that’s ridiculous. But – you know, specifically, that… marriage and my thoughts on that, it doesn’t mean…” She trailed off, looking affronted at the insinuation Tara had made.

“I do know,” she quietly affirmed.

And she did.

Caroline had long reached the place of understanding. That Hannah’s issues and hangups around marriage as a concept had nothing to do with her. And she was pretty sure that if she pushed to get married at this point, if there was some sort of ultimatum, that Hannah would do it for her.

But that only made Caroline know she never wanted to push for it. Knowing Hannah would choose her, despite her traumas around marriage, was enough.

She leaned in, kissing Hannah once more. Softly. Sweetly. Feeling Hannah melt into it, feeling the reciprocal emotion Hannah poured right back to her.

“I know that you want me, and only me,” she said quietly as she pulled back. “And that’s what I want, too.”

Hannah’s smile was so radiant, her relief evident. “Okay. Good.”

Caroline paused, looking around them. The pantry hadn’t necessarily been her desired spot, but it had been the closest private area she could think of.

A laugh worked out of her throat, as she turned back to look at Hannah. “You know, our girl is actually more right than even she knows.”

Hannah silently lifted an eyebrow in question.

“That we’re always making out in the kitchen,” she reminded her what Abbie had said last night. “Or… more.”

Even as she blushed, Hannah chuckled. “Right. Well. This time, it was because you couldn’t help yourself.”

Caroline scoffed. “I guess we’ll have to see where we end up next time, when you can’t help yourself.”

Hannah didn’t even try to deny that there would be a next time to this kind of situation. “I guess we will.”

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