I Knew You Were Trouble - 23 (Patreon)

Ohio... here we come...

Part Twenty-Three

Autumn gripped the cold, white porcelain sink so tightly, she was fairly certain it had become a part of her. Her palms were now one with the sink. Forever a part of this Best Western.

Which was the nicest hotel in the small town they were currently located in rural Ohio. Where they were, because it was the closest – and only – district court in the county she’d grown up in.

She’d never been so thankful that Maya enjoyed driving as she was when they’d gotten in the rental car at the airport twelve hours ago, because she wasn’t sure she’d have been able to make it through this drive. She hadn’t been back to Ohio in eight years, and she would never have returned if it wasn’t for something of this magnitude.

Literally just being here made her feel sick to her stomach. Shaky, anxious. The sensations that hadn’t ebbed at all since their plane landed yesterday afternoon.

When they’d checked into the hotel, she’d been unable to stop herself from constantly glancing around, riddled with nerves. What if they saw someone they knew? Rather, someone who knew them/their family?

What if she saw her family?

She’d only realized she’d been gipping the locket Maya had given her tightly enough that the metal edges had bitten into her palms when Maya had gently but deliberately taken her hand and led her up to the room.

The rest of the night had been somewhat of a blur.

She knew she’d unpacked everything – both her suitcase and Maya’s – and she’d checked on Honor and Haven in the adjoining room multiple times. But they’d both be picked up and brought to the courthouse separately from Autumn today, accompanied by Jillian and Rhea.

Even though she’d tried to sleep, it was a lost cause.

Now, it was almost five in the morning, and Autumn was staring at herself in the bathroom mirror.

The fluorescent lights were far too bright, and perhaps the least flattering she’d ever looked. They really enhanced the deep smudges under her eyes from the lack of quality sleep for the last week, and her cheeks had an exceptionally terrible pallor.

Well, she looked a little better than she had yesterday, because she’d taken a warm shower and had gotten some color into her cheeks. Before they left, she’d apply her makeup with fastidious precision.

There was no way she’d face her parents looking the way she looked right now. Like a wreck. No way in the hell her father loved to preach about. And even though this case wasn’t the kind that would have a jury, Autumn knew that the way she presented herself would be a large part of the battle. She had to look poised and composed and responsible.

Maya’s knuckles tapped against the bathroom door, which opened slightly with the touch given that Autumn hadn’t latched it. She hadn’t wanted to wake Maya, who’d only dozed off a couple of hours ago.

“You okay in here?” Maya asked, without pushing the door all the way open. Giving Autumn a little more privacy, if that was what she wanted. “It’s been… ummm, over twenty minutes since I heard the shower shut off.”

That gave Autumn enough of a start, reeling back as she peeled her hands from the sink. Over twenty minutes since she’d gotten out of the shower? It had felt like five, tops.

Rolling her shoulders back, she turned away from the mirror and reached out to pull the door open. “I’m okay.”

She could tell by the expression on Maya’s face that she didn’t believe her, and sometimes that might bother Autumn. But right now, it was a blatant and unbelievable lie, so she couldn’t blame Maya.

“The air in here is so different than what we’re used to, in the hotels we stay at when we travel with Charlotte,” she commented, walking back out into their hotel room.

Really, the words slipped out of their own volition.

Autumn rolled her eyes at herself, and the only reason she wasn’t utterly mortified by the utterance was because it was just to Maya. Maya was the only person currently sitting in here, the only person who could hear her thoughts, no matter how completely ridiculous they were.

Still, she rolled her eyes at herself. “That’s – I don’t even know why I’m thinking about that.”

But she had thought about it, repeatedly, since they’d arrived earlier today. How the air in this hotel felt… both dry and clammy? Such hotel air.

Maya’s smile was predictably sweet and non-judgmental. “Well, that’s because we’re used to traveling in style with Charlotte. That woman would never be caught dead staying in anything less than a five-star hotel, and she magnanimously brings us along as her sidekicks.”

Not for too much longer, Autumn thought but managed to catch the words before they could see the light of day.

When this was over, Maya would be leaving Charlotte’s employ.

No date had been set in stone, but the writing was on the wall in bold, bright permanent marker. Charlotte and Jillian were both acutely aware of what was going on with Autumn’s case, and they were also both aware that Maya and Autumn were… involved.

They’d done first-round interviews and would be moving into the small pool of second-round candidates when this was all over. The twins had settled, as much as they could settle with this hanging over them, a new routine had been established.

It seemed to be wordlessly understood by all parties that once the custody case was officially over, the next phase would begin.

Autumn really didn’t let herself fixate on that in the last couple of weeks. She literally couldn’t.

Not having Maya by her side, not seeing her constantly at work – and then stressing about the implications of what that might mean in their relationship, considering so much of their together-time was at work – was… distressing. And that was putting it lightly.

But Autumn couldn’t even go there.

There was a mental block for her, right here, right now. She couldn’t properly see around this.

How could she?

The twins had only come back into her life two and a half months ago, but… but she couldn’t imagine them leaving, again.

Actually, that was a lie.

She could imagine it.

She could, vividly, imagine what it would be like, because it had been her life for years. She’d have her flawlessly structured and organized routines back, and nothing else. She would have a silent apartment, and no late-night laughter or stories or cuddles.

This feeling in her heart that had gone dark for so long would probably die off forever, if she lost custody of Honor and Haven. If she had to go back to her daily life without them after it had taken everything she’d had years ago to wall that part of her away.

Autumn shook her head, muttering, “What does the hotel air have to do with anything,” mostly in admonishment to herself.

Maya gently scoffed. “It’s quite literally what we’re filling our lungs with; I’d argue that’s of relative importance.”

Autumn arched her a dubious, no-nonsense stare. Come on.

But Autumn was relatively certain she could say hey, did you know two plus two equals four? to Maya right now, and Maya would give her that same sweet smile and say something like wow, that’s awesome!

“I’m sorry. If I woke you up,” she offered, stiltedly. “You’d probably have been better off not staying in the same room.”

Autumn hadn’t been a particularly great companion. No, she hadn’t even been a particularly good companion. She’d offered minimal conversation, and her energy was listless at best.

“To be honest, you didn’t have to come at all. I…” she trailed off, wrapping her arms around herself. “We have a ton going on, work-wise. I don’t even know what kind of state I’m going to be in.”

Maya approached, wearing her cute little pajama shorts and the sweatshirt she’d clearly pulled on when she’d gotten out of bed. And the expression she wore was definitely the same one she’d wear when approaching a wild animal.

“I realize you’re saying these things because it makes you feel like you’re reenforcing some kind of internal wall,” Maya’s voice was quiet, steady. Level. “But you’re my girlfriend. And,” she searched Autumn’s gaze with hers, not letting it drop away. “I love you. And I feel pretty damn fond of your sisters. You couldn’t keep me away. All right?”

For reasons Autumn would never be able to understand, Maya really did seem to feel that way. No. Not seem to. Autumn knew Maya felt it.

Somehow, in the chaos and the turmoil and all of the changes happening, Autumn… had emerged from the last six months trusting Maya more than she’d ever trusted anyone in her entire life.

It was just that being here made every insecurity, every fear, that she’d learned to cope with and push down, surge back to life.

It was why they’d flown in the evening before the hearing; she couldn’t possibly spend more time here than she had to.

“All right,” she breathed out, finding the tiniest bit of comfort in Maya.

She couldn’t really feel soothed and calm right now, but if she could, she knew it would be because of Maya.

“Are you – do you want to try to go back to sleep?” She gestured behind them at the bed.

Where the sheets were a mess, because Autumn hadn’t stopped tossing and turning. She, actually, had the strongest urge to go over and fix the bed, smoothing out every wrinkle, now that she was looking at it.

Shaking her head, she looked back to Maya, and she could see the bags under her eyes, too. She could see the sleepless nights and the stress there, and she hated that it was all because of her. “You should,” she urged. “It’s going to be a really long day.”

The hearing was scheduled to start at eight-thirty, when Jillian and Peter Wicks – her parents’ lawyer – would present both sides of the case to the judge, followed by Rhea’s testimony detailing her experiences with the twins as she’d worked with them through child services. Honor and Haven would come in and give their statements.

Autumn would testify and then be cross-examined.

Her parents would testify.

Jillian had been straight-forward and honest with her, which she’d appreciated. Even if it hadn’t made her feel particularly confident.

The hearing would likely only take one day, because there wasn’t a mountain of evidence to be examined. In fact, there was very little – no – hard evidence.

And the only witness to support Honor and Haven was her. No one from Millsted had come forward as a willing witness against their father, which had been the least surprising thing she’d ever heard. A member of his congregation, testifying against him?

The majority of them worshipped him, like he was a direct line to God.

And the witness list Wicks had presented testifying on behalf of her parents was… significant.

The judge had already cut the list down to three witnesses, stating that he didn’t feel the need for so many repeat testimonies. Jillian had assured her that was a good thing. That she’d done her research on the judge, and that he was a no-nonsense, straight-shooter.

One of the witnesses would be Seth.

Autumn’s stomach twisted painfully, and she reached one hand up to press over it. She hadn’t had anything to eat in over twenty-four hours; she genuinely couldn’t stomach anything. If she had eaten anything, she was positive it would have come right back up.

Maya ran her eyes up and down Autumn, dubiously. “So… in this scenario… I would go back to sleep in that bed, right there,” she pointed at the aforementioned bed. “And you would… pace around in the dark? Go back in the bathroom?”

“I don’t know, Maya.” She didn’t necessarily snap the words out, but she didn’t not. Because Maya’s words sounded ridiculous and made her feel ridiculous, because… yes, she’d do both of those things most likely.

And immediately, she felt guilty, her posture breaking slightly.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, before she clenched her jaw so tightly, she heard her teeth grinding together.

But – what was wrong with her?

Sure, snapping at Maya – great idea.

But Maya looked at her with those big, dark eyes, entirely unaffected by her tone. “I’m not going to be able to sleep. I’d rather sit with you.”

“Because I’m offering such titillating conversation, heartwarming emotion, and looking very attractive.”

“Always,” Maya didn’t hesitate to say, a teasing little smile tugging at one side of her mouth. “But you can skulk around and not say a word, too. I don’t have any expectations of what you should be acting like, you know. Definitely not today.”

Autumn wanted to both collapse into Maya – truly sink into her, boneless, and… cry, probably. She imagined the tension would leave her in heaving sobs, clutching at Maya while she felt so – so fucking lost. Hating to be here. Sick to her stomach at the thought of seeing her parents. Raging at the idea that a random judge who knew nothing about them could make the twins go back to a life with their parents, which would surely be even worse than it was before – and she wanted, irrationally, to push her away – because Maya was too good for her, she was too good for this. Why was she being such a martyr? She was only twenty-seven, she had a whole big, beautiful, bright life ahead of her, and she wanted to tie herself to Autumn? Best case scenario, she was tying herself to a highly-guarded, religiously traumatized woman and two teenagers, who also had a lot of growth to do. Worst case, she was tying herself to a total basket-case, who’d likely retreat into herself.

Not that – not that they were legally bound or anything, but still.

She stared at Maya for several long seconds, not doing either of those things.

Instead, she walked over to the little table near the window, where the sky was still ominously dark before dawn. “If we’re both going to be awake, I’d like to practice again.”

She pulled out one of the chairs, and sat down, her posture drawn so tight, she swore she felt every muscle vibrating with tension through her spine.

She wondered, briefly, if Maya was associating her with Tort, again. Like a cat who had restless energy, who Maya was keeping track of, making sure no damage was being done. She sure seemed like it.

“Autumn… you’re prepared. You couldn’t be more prepared. You’ve prepped with Jillian, and then with me, every day.” Again, Maya’s voice was gentle and reassuring, but nothing was going to reassure Autumn right now. “Including last night.”

Maya was right; she was prepared.

But how could she do anything other than circle around the questions Jillian had given her and worked on with her? The questions Jillian would be asking her, as well as a list of possible questions Wicks might ask.

“I can’t fail them, Maya. I can’t…” Her throat was so tight, and she had to swallow through it to continue. “I need to be perfect. We don’t have any evidence of anything. There are no medical records, no text messages,” how could there have been, when their phones were constantly monitored and locked away? Even the teachers at their tiny, community high school were members of their father’s church. “I’m all they have.”

And she felt the weight of that on her shoulders, so heavy, it was pressing her into the ground.

Maya came to sit across from her, reaching for her notebook where she’d made note of all of the questions they both knew and expected her to be asked.

There was a little part of her, one that she might be able to reflect on later, that deeply enjoyed the way Maya presented herself when she sat opposite Autumn during their preparation sessions.

The way she rolled her shoulders back, the way her eyes sharpened. Those things about Maya had always been there, but Autumn had spent so long – most of the time they’d known one another – overlooking these aspects of her.

If she had to be honest with herself, it was all another self-protection mechanism. If she didn’t allow herself to look closer than the easy-going, open, affable, chatty surface-level characteristics Maya presented, then she’d never have to look at the woman who was all of those things, but was also incredibly self-possessed and assured and capable.

Maya cleared her throat, looking up at Autumn as she began. “Please state your name for the court.”

“Where do you currently live?” – “How long have you lived there?” – “What do you do for a living?” – “How long have you been employed there?” – “Do you have a stable residence?” – “How are you related to Honor and Haven Alton?” – “How old are they?” – “How long have you known them?” – “Describe your relationship with them.” – “Were you raised by the respondents?” – “When was the last time you were in contact with the respondents?” – “Have you had a relationship with your parents since then?” – “Have you maintained contact with your sisters?” – “Did you know your sisters were coming to D.C.?” – “When did you first learn they were coming?” – “How did you learn?” – “What happened when they arrived?” – “What did they tell you about why they had left Ohio?” – “How did your sisters appear when they arrived?” – “What did you observe about their behavior?” – “Did they appear frightened?” – “Did you observe anything about their physical conditions?”

Those were all of the easy ones. The ones she didn’t have to put any thought into answering, really, because they were facts.

Maya’s gaze flicked up to hers, as she paused a second longer than she did for the other questions. But Autumn was ready. As ready as she could be.

“You stated it’s been over eight years since you’ve had contact with your sisters or your parents before this. Why is that?”

“My parents – my father, specifically – told me I couldn’t return back to our family home or have contact with my siblings if I chose not to repent against my sexuality, and marry the man he’d arranged my engagement to.”

“So your experience with your parents aligns with what your sisters have reported, when it comes to romantic arrangements?”

Her throat ran a little dry, but she was prepared. “Yes.” Just the facts, she reminded herself. To not get emotional, to just get through it with her composure. “My father arranged for me to be in a relationship with Seth Pritchard, starting when I was sixteen. Engaged when I was eighteen.”

“And this relationship was not consensual?”

Her stomach squirmed at the notion, and Maya did an impeccable job of keeping her tone exactly the way Jillian had sounded when she asked. It wasn’t personal. Even though Autumn’s experiences were all deeply personal, even though she’d only ever told them to anyone outside of therapy once – to Maya, recently – divulging her experiences would be the best way to corroborate the culture of the church, and what was expected of them.

“No, it was not. I was… I was coerced into performing sexual acts for several years.”

The look in Maya’s eyes broke from that staunch professionalism she’d been channeling, before she closed them for several beats. “Specificity,” she said, quietly, when she opened her eyes a moment later.

They were so soft, like warm honey, as she stared across the small table at Autumn.

“As detailed in terms of the timeline as you can be.”

Right. “Starting when I was sixteen, until I broke all contact with Seth and my family when I was twenty-one.”

“And did your parents have knowledge of this?”

“They did,” she confirmed, and was proud of herself for keeping her voice steady, not allowing her breath to hitch the way she wanted it to.

She’d confided in her mother, and she knew her mother told her father everything. Even if he didn’t approve of premarital sex, he was more frustrated with Autumn for pursuing her degree before making everything official. In his mind, they were as good as married, because he adored Seth.

“They–” She cleared her throat. “They let me know that it was my duty to fulfil my commitments to Seth, in every way.”

“Autumn, you have got this,” Maya broke “character” and reached out, gently laying her hand over Autumn’s.

Making her aware that she was stroking her thumb over the locket, once more.

“You are so fucking strong and brave and Honor and Haven are so lucky to have you, and you better not doubt that for a second.”

Her next inhale was shaky. “I can’t… let’s keep going.”

She couldn’t allow herself to go there, to go into the softness Maya was offering her. Not right now.

Which Maya seemed to understand, as she stroked her fingertips over the back of her hand, and continued the questions.

***

They arrived outside of the courthouse early. Earlier than Jillian and the twins, earlier than… everyone, it seemed.

Even though they were outside, the air felt cloyingly heavy.

“I never want to be in this state again.” She hadn’t realized she’d spoken the words aloud until she heard them.

Maya reached down and took her hand. Starting slowly, like she wasn’t sure Autumn was going to accept it as they stood on the sidewalk. She brushed her knuckles against Autumn’s at first, and Autumn felt herself shiver.

Immediately, she turned her hand around to grasp Maya’s.

“I’ll never bring you to Ohio. I promise,” Maya swore.

And Autumn didn’t question the turn of phrase. She didn’t question that Maya would be there, by her side, for – for however long. Maya will never bring her back to Ohio. Not for the rest of their lives.

Their lives. Together.

The strength of that thought was dizzying.

Almost as dizzying as the realization that the man and woman walking from the other direction toward the court house were her parents.

Autumn breathed out a quiet gasp, her stomach sinking like a lead weight, dropping down to her feet.

Oh, god.

They were right there. Her parents, they were… they were right there.

She didn’t realize how tight her grip had become on Maya’s hand, until she felt Maya’s knuckles literally creak against her fingers and heard her sharp intake of breath, and even then, it was difficult to let go.

“Shit. Is that…” Maya trailed off, then pressed even closer to Autumn, like she was ready to physically hold her up, if necessary.

“Yes,” she rasped back, unable to look away.

Especially when it was clear they took notice of her.

Especially when they started walking in her direction, rather than immediately up the courthouse steps.

Her father looked the same. The thought bounced around in her head like a pinball. Tall – six-foot-five – and lean. His hair was a little thinner, graying at the temples. But he still carried himself with the posture of the most self-righteous man on earth, like he’d been divinely chosen to plant his feet on the soil.

And her first thought about her mother was –

How very small she looked.

When she’d been very young, she’d looked up to her mom. The dutiful wife, who gave her Godly husband plenty of healthy children, who prepared perfect meals, who organized functions for the church. She’d been exactly who Autumn imagined herself to be, when she grew up.

Until she’d really seen what that would look like, once she’d become a teenager.

When she’d seen her mom’s full-blown depression showing through the cracks. When she’d realized that the perfect image she upheld to the public – and to Autumn and her siblings, when she’d been able to – was a façade.

Maybe her mother had always looked this way, or maybe she’d been beaten down by life even more. Autumn couldn’t really say.

She was dressed as she typically always had been whenever she left the house. In a well-fitting, conservatively cut dress, with a cardigan over the top, and her purse over her shoulder. Her hair was down her back in a long braid, and she walked, dutifully, a step behind Autumn’s father, her hands tightly clasped in front of herself.

Autumn stared at her mom longer than she did at her dad.

Her father had always struck somewhere on the scale from intimidating to downright frightening, and Autumn had never been truly comfortable with him. She’d done her best to mind her manners and avoid punishment, and then to guide her siblings into following her example.

But her mother… seeing her mother struck a painful bolt through her, and she had to tear her eyes away, landing on her father.

“Autumn.” His voice was firm and always resonated with that booming baritone he used when giving a sermon, even if he was speaking one-on-one.

She drew herself up to her full height, taking deep, even breaths. Even though her stomach was tied in knots, she refused to react.

Even when he dropped his eyes to the hand she had interlocked with Maya’s.

She felt Maya start to loosen her grasp, clearly giving Autumn the ability to pull away if she wanted to. But she didn’t. Zero percent of her wanted to pull back. Instead, she squeezed Maya’s hand tighter.

She could see the anger, the disgust crawl over his face as he looked back at her, his lip curled. “You’ve decided to continue living in unrepentant sin, I see.”

“I’m Maya Lindsay,” Maya offered, her voice taking on a seemingly light quality, even though Autumn could hear the steel underneath.

A warm rush went through her, the most unexpected feeling when she was standing here, faced with her parents.

Her father scowled at Maya, before turning back to Autumn. “And this is the life you want to expose your sisters to?”

Anger burned through Autumn, stealing her words. Stealing everything from her, because how dare he?

“As opposed to the life you’d like them to be exposed to, getting informally engaged when they’re underage so you can marry them off the second they turn eighteen, to creepy older men?” Maya asked, angling herself slightly in front of Autumn.

She snapped her gaze to Maya, her mouth falling open slightly. That rush of warmth worked through her once more, sweeping everything along in its path. Sweeping away the anxiety, the anger, the – the everything, as she stared at Maya’s profile.

Because Maya evenly held her father’s gaze, not dropping it for a single second.

“A righteous life,” her father snarled in response. “A life they can be proud of when they stand in front of God, dedicated to a family led by a strong, devoted man.”

“Okay, but what about a life where they turn sixteen and get a driver’s license, first?” Maya’s voice was unwavering, as she went toe to toe with Autumn’s father.

Something she’d never seen before in her entire life. She’d never heard anyone speak that way to him, and if she hadn’t been entirely, one-hundred-percent sure about Maya – though, she already was – she would be, now.

What a woman.

Her woman.

Her father jerked his head to stare back at Autumn, obviously deciding that Maya would give him nothing but grief. And he was so right about that.

“You’d want to open them to this crude, depraved life, rather than allow them to come back home.”

“They came to me,” Autumn finally found her words, and she was shocked at how steady she felt. “I’m not keeping them from anything; they don’t want to be with you.”

She knew she had to mind her comments to her father; Jillian had gone over this with her. Her parents were prohibited from speaking to the twins prior to the hearing, but not to her. But it was best not to get into anything, especially regarding the case or the twins.

“So you can continue to lead them down this path, as young, impressionable girls. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

She squeezed Maya’s hand in hers, letting out a deep, shaky breath as she angled her head up to her father’s, the most defiant she’d ever looked at him in her life. “I am.”

“Mr. Alton,” Charlotte’s voice came from behind her, jarring her.

Charlotte?

Charlotte… who was definitely supposed to be in D.C. today. But, no. It was absolutely the sound of her heels clicking toward them, even before they all turned to look to confirm.

“I’m sure you’d like to head inside before you say something you regret. Unless… you’d rather go against what I’m sure your lawyer advised you? But I assure you, should anything get ugly, I make a very formidable witness.”

“That’s Pastor Alton to you,” her father shot back, his eyes glinting as they narrowed into little, glowering slits.

Autumn knew in her very bones how much her father must detest Charlotte. He, for his many, many faults, was a very educated man; he was well-aware of what was happening in politics and current events.

“And it’s Senator Thompson, when you refer to me,” Charlotte smoothly returned.

For another beat, no one said anything. Autumn’s father glanced between them all, and she knew that he wanted to spew a million angry, hateful, damning words. But she also knew that Charlotte was right, and she was pretty sure his lawyer wouldn’t be happy that he approached Autumn at all.

And most of all, she knew how much he hated, on a fundamental level, being strong-armed by a woman. He’d hated the way Maya had sassed back to him. He’d hated that Autumn hadn’t fallen to her knees in apology. And he most definitely hated that Charlotte was a woman who held more power than he did in the eyes of the world-at-large.

Without another word, he turned and stormed up the steps to the courthouse, her mother following him as she glanced over her shoulder at them.

Autumn watched them go, before whirling around and giving into the surprise that had shot through her. “Charlotte… what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in a floor session today, and tomorrow.”

They’d planned her schedule, perfected every detail given that Autumn and Maya wouldn’t be there. Sure, Charlotte had other staffers, but still.

Charlotte’s eyebrows furrowed, as she flicked her eyes to Maya, then back to Autumn. “I will chalk your surprise up to this being a highly stressful day.”

“I mean – it’s not like you can even do anything,” Autumn continued, because she couldn’t not.

But the truth was that Charlotte couldn’t do anything today. Today was solely about the twins going back to be with their parents or not. And if it went in their favor, then they’d have another, separate hearing tomorrow, in which it would be legally determined that the twins could live with Autumn.

Even with that hearing, though, all Charlotte had needed to do was prepare a confirmation of her employment status, which she’d already done.

“Autumn, I’m this close to being insulted,” Charlotte replied, her tone mild as she sipped at her coffee. “First, I think you underestimate that my presence, merely sitting in on your side, strengthens your testimony. Second…” She brought her free hand up, gently patting Autumn’s shoulder. “Today, yet again, we find ourselves in a position in which I’d say our friendship supersedes our professional roles.”

She turned to look at Maya, who was wearing the softest of looks directed at her, before she turned back to Charlotte, a lump in her throat. “Thank you.”

It was all she could say, all she could manage with the tightness in her throat, but she knew Charlotte could feel the weight of it.

Charlotte nodded at her, her lips tilting up. “Are you ready to head in?”

***

Autumn didn’t know if she’d ever be ready for this, but she was finally inside the courtroom. They’d gone through security, and the door to the room their hearing would be in had been opened, and…

And she found herself in the bathroom down the hall. She couldn’t pace publicly; it would show far too much weakness. She refused to show that to anyone here.

Her movements abruptly cut off when the door to the bathroom opened, and –

And her mother walked in.

Her mother, who didn’t seem surprised to spot her. “Hi. I – I noticed that you walked down this way a minute ago, so I…”

“Followed me,” she finished, her voice flat.

She felt anything but “flat” inside, but… but she wouldn’t give that to her.

“Autumn – please, I… I’d hoped we could – maybe we could just have a talk.” A tremulous smile took hold, her mom’s eyes searching hers. “Like we used to. When you were little. Just for a minute. I know we don’t have much time.”

Okay, she couldn’t keep that flatness anymore. “Are you kidding me?”

The vitriol that made its way out from her mouth was only a fraction of what she felt inside, burning through her veins.

“You want to – to talk?” She spluttered. “Talk about what?”

Her mother seemed at a loss, as she paused the way she was wringing her hands to gesture around them, vaguely. “How – how you are. I’ve worried about you, so much.”

Yes, that made everything inside of her ping into the highest of alerts, and the laugh that escaped Autumn was harsher than anything she’d ever felt before. “You worried about me? After everything, you were worried about me?”

It really hit her, in this moment, exactly how delusional her mother had to make herself become. How out of touch with reality she was, if any part of her had thought that Autumn would be fine with having a conversation with her.

Then again, maybe that made sense to her mom, because her mom didn’t know her.

She’d only known the subservient Autumn, the dutiful daughter, who had to squash any and all facets of a real personality, and be who her family needed her to be. Autumn who’d never talked back, not even as a teenager. Autumn who’d raised her mother’s children for her when she’d been a child herself.

But Autumn wasn’t that person, anymore. And she hadn’t been for a very long time.

This moment, face-to-face with her mother, filled her with – with something she hadn’t known she’d needed. A strength, a reality check, an understanding.

She wasn’t weak and powerless, the way she had been when her parents used to know her. She wasn’t afraid of upsetting them, afraid of their punishments.

They couldn’t even hurt her, now. Only the judge could.

“After what happened…” Her mother trailed off, swallowing visibly hard.

“When you told dad that I’m a lesbian, and I was kicked out,” Autumn supplied, and took a satisfaction in the way her mother cringed away from her, cringed away from the truth. Whether it was her betrayal of Autumn or Autumn’s queerness, she didn’t know. “Ultimately, you did me the biggest favor of my life. It’s not one I’ll be thanking you for, but it was actually the best thing you ever did for me.”

Her mother’s mouth opened slightly, confusion etching over her face.

“You’re miserable,” Autumn stated, plainly. “You married a man who couldn’t care less if you died in childbirth, as long as you were doing your ‘duty.’ And fine – that’s your choice. But you hate your life–”

“I, no, I don’t…” her mom’s words were so weak, so quiet and unconvincing.

“You do. And the worst thing isn’t even what you did to me.” She pressed her hand to her chest, her fingertips poking so hard against herself, she might have a bruise. “You stabbing me in the back and going to him with my biggest secret, when you knew how he’d react…” She broke off, swallowing thickly. “I had nothing. I had no one. Nowhere to go. And still, that’s not your worst failing as a parent. That is what you did to Cindy and Daisy and Florence, and what you tried to do to Haven and Honor.”

Her mom reeled back, both of her hands clasped over her chest. “Your father makes those arrangements, you know that. I don’t–”

“Exactly. You don’t,” Autumn hurled the word back at her, her heart pounding with the freedom in saying it. “You haven’t done a thing for them, to help them. You’re signing them up for lives just as horrible as yours. You might have been plagued by what you did to me, but don’t lose sleep over me. Because I’m the only one of your children who’s ever going to be happy.”

The word fell from her lips without a second thought, and it gave Autumn pause.

Because, for so much of her life, she hadn’t felt “happy.”

But happiness wasn’t necessarily a permanent state of emotion, was it?

She thought about the feeling she had – the calm, peaceful feeling – when Maya held her at night. She thought about Charlotte showing up for her today, when she wasn’t obligated to. She thought about everything she’d been able to do in her life, everything she’d accomplished, and what she could still do.

Her life wasn’t perfect, and she doubted very much that she’d ever be someone who was happy-go-lucky, chill, laid-back.

But she’d found something – no, she’d built something – good. Something that made her happy.

“I’m… I’m in love.” She had to blink back the sharp sting of tears at the backs of her eyes at the words, at what they tapped into inside of her.

They made her heart gallop and nerves explode through her, and they were so true.

“I love someone – a woman,” she stressed, because she had to. “Who treats me so well, you – you quite literally couldn’t even fathom it.”

No, her mother would never be able to imagine what it was like to be loved the way Maya loved her. Her mother wouldn’t be able to picture how it felt to be supported and adored. How it felt to be on the receiving end of soft, lingering touches. How it felt to be understood, to be seen, and accepted for exactly who she was.

She didn’t even think her mother knew who she was. If she’d had real thoughts and opinions of her own, they’d been snuffed out long ago.

“I used to want to be you,” the words scalded the back of her throat, because they were almost shameful to imagine. “You were my best friend. You meant everything to me. And I wanted to be you right up until I realized that you hate your life. And I was able to see that if I became you, I’d be signing myself up for the same misery you live in.”

Her mom’s eyes, the same blue as hers, stared at her, wide and teary. Her mouth opened, but no words came out.

“Dad treats you like you’re subhuman. I know you feel that way.” Because she’d been her mom’s only confidant, starting at far too young an age. “And you stepped aside and let him give that same life to all of your daughters.”

“What could I do?!” A desperation she’d never heard burst from her mother’s lips, before her eyes widened, and she clamped her mouth shut.

Autumn stared back at her and she felt…

Nothing.

She could have sobbed from the relief of this nothingness. The anger and the hurt and the anxiety and the – the everything that had plagued her for so long, giving away to nothing was a fucking gift.

“Kind of a moot point for you to think of now, isn’t it? It’s too late for everyone but Honor and Haven, and I will not let them turn out like you,” she swore, and she didn’t know if she’d ever felt so ardently in her entire life. “Much like I’ve done since the day they came home from the hospital, I’ll take care of them.”

“I’m – I… I love Honor and Haven. And I still, I love you. And I’m… I’m sorry.” Her mom’s eyes were wide and expectant, like she was waiting for Autumn to grant her forgiveness.

“Maybe you’ll find the salvation you’re clearly looking for some day, but you’ll never find it from me.”

For once in her life, Autumn was the one who turned away from her mother. Autumn was the one who reached for the door to the restroom, and threw it open, turning her back on her mother as she walked right out, letting it close firmly behind her.

She was going to take care of Honor and Haven. She would do this. She had to. Failure wasn’t an option.

Empowered by that, she strode back toward the courtroom, only to find Maya outside. Seemingly… waiting for her?

Maya’s eyes lit up when she saw her, and she hurried over to tell Autumn –

“So, the twins are here. They went down that hall – I think to have their private conversations with the judge – accompanied by Rhea. I didn’t get to talk to them, but I caught their eye, and gave them a thumbs-up, and they… I mean, they’re rattled, but they look good. Courage runs in the genes. And if it doesn’t all go well, then – we’ll get the hell out of dodge.”

Autumn scoffed, shaking her head.

But Maya’s eyebrows furrowed low on her forehead, and the look in her eyes was deadly serious. “Look, it’s not a real, thought-out plan, and I get that. But if things don’t go our way, then… we do what we have to do. Honor and Haven can’t live like that. They’re still kids. They can’t get fucking engaged to anyone, let alone fully-grown adult men. And if your parents can drum up enough support and dupe the judge into making a shitty decision, then – we pack a bag, and we can figure it out.”

“That’s absurd. What, we’d be on the run? With my two teenage sisters?” She stared at Maya, still thrumming from the conversation she’d had with her mother, feeling so unexpected empowered by it all.

Maya didn’t back down, though, and the passion was written all over her face as she angled her jaw up at Autumn. “They’re almost sixteen; it’s not like they’re six. And we have Charlotte Thompson on our side.”

It only hit her in this moment that Maya was truly serious.

“You’re really not kidding.”

“No, I’m really not. I don’t think there’s another option,” Maya stated, earnestly.

Again, it was absurd. Maya was looking her in the eye, telling her that if the court made the wrong decision, she was ready and willing to throw her lot in with Autumn’s and become a fucking fugitive as they kidnapped her sisters.

They couldn’t do that; it would ruin Maya’s life. Autumn’s too, but… they were her sisters. She would make that sacrifice, if need be.

They were right inside the courthouse. Her parents were milling around, and so were… anyone else from her past life. Seth was testifying today, so were a handful of other congregants. Autumn didn’t know if any of her other siblings were going to be here.

But she couldn’t bring herself to care.

She reached out, carding her hand through Maya’s soft, dark hair and tilted her head backwards as she descended, capturing Maya’s mouth with her own.

She felt Maya’s hands come up, one gripping at her waist, the other clutching at her shoulder, as she met Autumn’s lips beat for beat.

“You’re kind of insane. Do you realize that?” She asked, breathing the question out against Maya’s mouth.

“I think I’m being totally reasonable, actually,” Maya responded, and her lips brushed against Autumn’s with every syllable, making her shiver.

And Autumn kissed her again, because she needed to, before she pulled back.

She felt her breath shudder out and her chest felt so odd, the palpitations causing her hands to shake, and, “I love you, Maya.”

Whatever Maya had been clearly going to say next died on her lips, her eyes widening with obvious shock. “You love me? Because I’m willing to run away with you and your sisters?”

“Yes,” she answered, before she swallowed tightly. “And for – for so many other reasons. Ones I can’t start to name, now.”

“Inopportune time,” Maya lightly teased, sounding slightly breathless, as she gestured at the open doors to the courtroom next to her.

“Right,” she breathed back, feeling as though she’d run a marathon.

Emotionally, she had. And it wasn’t even nine in the morning.

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