journal: about the first mix for Underneath the Lights (Patreon)

I received the first mix for Underneath the Lights from Doug a few days ago. The mix is a really great first mix and the song itself is perhaps the 'thesis' of this album, besides Akathisia.

I wrote it about feeling exhausted and wary from everything I've survived while trying to build a music career, and wishing I could un-know and un-experience some things. The closest I can get to talking about it with my audience is singing about not being able to talk about it, which is what I did.

"I've got circles under my eyes
From secrets that I keep
I would tell you how I got here,
But I should get some sleep.
Let me in."

The guitar solo (played by Doug) is one of my favorite things about the song. He somehow bared my soul through his own playing and portrayed my frustration, ever-present hope, and quiet but fierce determination.

After listening to the mix, I experienced vivid mortality salience. I thought about how much of my life I'd lived, and how much was still ahead. I thought about the years I won't get back from events and feelings I couldn't control. And then I cracked my knuckles, made a cup of coffee, and started writing this post, because I have work to do. As discouraged and depressed as I can feel, I spring back to life just as quickly. I never question the second wind, as a personal rule. I just roll with it.

After a series of insane events that unfolded over the summer, I decided I needed to do something real and positive for myself and my life. This culminated in visiting my childhood piano teacher today who had played a huge role in my life when I was younger. We traded life developments. She's even cooler than I remember, somehow. We scheduled a lesson for the end of the month. I feel excited about it. She is the epitome of wisdom, grace, and skill, and she's like family to me.

Preparing to start releasing music has made me stand face-to-face with the fact that I need to surrender as part of the process. I can't control what people will be receptive to. I can't control the ever-changing landscapes of social media. The only thing I can control is how well I plan, how hard I work, and how much fun I allow myself to have.

I can also control when I go to sleep and wake up, which is what I'm starting with. I may naturally get sleepy at 3am but my body never feels better for it the next day. I'm going to try for 11:30 tonight (It's 10:41 now).